Help Me Understand Women

Hi, MH ladies! I have a few questions I hope you will help me answer.

I love my wife. She is a very sexual woman and is willing to satisfy any of my needs. She has even awakened me to some I didn’t know I had! It seems she is willing to walk the extra mile for me.

But it makes me realize that I don’t really know how women think in this area. Is this all for me, because she loves me so, or is sex really as important to her as it is to me? So I thought I’d ask you ladies. Please help me understand women better.

Here are the thoughts that stump me:

Do women also get sexually attracted to men like men do to women?
How often do women long for sex? Does this change in either direction once married?
Is sex part of their daily thoughts?
Do they fantasize about sex?
Do they feel like masturbating as often as men?

I am asking these questions because I was conditioned from a young age. I thought that men must “beg” women to get their attention and that they thought sex itself was dirty. My wife, it seems, didn’t get that memo! But what about you all? Maybe if you share your perspectives you can help us men understand women a little better!

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13 replies
  1. Slinger says:

    Unfortunately, many of us grew up being told “men want sex constantly” and “women only do it to please their men”. The truth, while obviously varying from person to person, is that what we were told is utter bull crap. Women enjoy sex too! We think about sex with our husbands quite often. And honestly, there is nothing worse than that feeling of rejection women are “taught” to feel if their husbands aren’t in the mood when they are. It took hubby and I many conversations to overcome the stereotypes and realize that it’s absolutely normal for either partner to want sex often or to not be in the mood. And once the feeling of rejection is out of the equation, sex happens more often bc nobody is hurt.

  2. Hotnorthern says:

    It’s really unfortunate that you have been taught this about women!
    I’m a woman and still single. But yes absolutely there are men I have met that I have found wildly attractive. My friend and I joke with each other that the men always judge what women wear to the beach and then the guys always go without shirts. Ooohlala. I’m like if they don’t want us looking they should keep their shirts on!

    Second question: for me every day, but I know this is personal and varies from person to person.

    I’m not inside your head so I don’t know how often you fantasize about sex. But I often do. If I’m extremely busy, which I often make myself so I don’t have time to wander in my mind, I won’t spend time fantasizing about sex. But otherwise it does pop up in my mind every day for sure. I try not to masturbate too often as I find it gets harder for me in my singleness but I do it often enough to keep from going crazy and I feel better afterwards.

    It’s hard on me, because I’ve begun to feel like relationships are a stupid game where you have to act like you don’t care in order to get someone to care about you. And if you care and act like you care you ruin their idea of a chase and the man isn’t interested anymore. Personally, if I don’t like someone, I’m not interested and you likely won’t convince me, but if I am interested and like somone I have to work hard to restrain myself.

    Apparently though, only people who know me well can tell if I like someone so I guess I manage not to be to obvious.

    I’m really sad that men are taught that about women and women are taught that they have to be proper otherwise they are sluts. Have to act not too interested, can’t say anything sexual or with any such connotations otherwise you’re looked down on. And then when you don’t do those things, people ask if you’re a prude or even interested in men. But if you do you’re a slut and a man chaser. It’s one of those situations of dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

    • JAM777 says:

      YES!!! Well said Northern!
      I'm a single too and I hate this game style of dating that seems to have come up!

      I had a female friend and we just seem to connect so well and, well, I ended up developing pretty strong feelings for her. So I prayed, fasted, and sought counsel. I felt led to pursue so I did.
      I simply asked if we could talk on the phone (she lives in a different state than I do, which is why it wasn't face to face) and she said yes.
      I was up-front and told her that I have developed feelings for her and asked how she felt… and if she would be interested in pursuing something beyond friendship….
      She said she wasn't sure and asked if she could think and pray on it. I respected her wishes and continued to pray.
      Her mom and brother wanted to talk to me, which I also respected and accepted.

      Then she and I spoke once more, she explained her personal conflict with it and that she didn't really have those kinds of feelings for me. (During this time, she contacted a mutual friend to ask what they thought of me and if I was an abusive or aggressive person.)
      I said I understand and accept her answer, I asked if we could still be friends which she said yes to.

      I left things as is until our mutual friend contacted me, furious. (The mutual friend is like a big sister to me and can be quite protective of me sometimes.)
      My "sister" informs me that the girl had called her angry that I had just accepted that she said no and that I should have pushed harder and "chased" her more….
      This and some other red flags caused me to understand this door had been closed.
      Finding all this out was the first time in years that a girl has actually hurt me…
      I can't understand it…

      Anyway, sorry for rambling, I understand your frustration with people just seeming to play games. I don't like being manipulated in this way.

      Pursuing someone for marriage isn't a game. Not that it shouldn't be fun! Just not a game.

    • ConstantLover says:

      @Hotnorthern you should write a post about what you fantasize! It will be something everyone who reads it will enjoy!

    • Hotnorthern says:

      @JAM777
      I’m sorry that happened for you. That would have been heartbreaking.

      I think it is great when men are straightforward about their feelings once they are ready. It’s unfortunate, but I’m going to say that girl was flakey and probably didn’t know what she wanted.

      There was a guy who sort of stalked me for a long time without ever telling me what he was thinking but stalking me online and in person. It creeped me out so bad that other people saw how uncomfortable it was making me and stepped in to get him away from me. It annoyed me that he never said anything but just followed me around and tried to sit close to me and touch me. I didn’t like him already but after so long of that I was completely turned off. ? At this point in time in my life I would likely confront him and demand an explaination but then it creeped me out and I just ran away. ?

    • JAM777 says:

      Northern,
      That was my assessment as well about her not knowing what she wants. I found out later about the friction with her mom. The mom is very "controlling" and didn't think I was good for her for several reasons. My financial situation and that I am black while her daughter is white….

      But the daughter also seemed to want to manipulate me some. I have come to grips with it and forgive her. I can't but find myself still liking her on some level. I just really like talking to her… it's hard to explain but the thought of talking to her just makes me joyful, despite our past. (The above all happened about 2 years ago.)

      And to your situation, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that!! I'm glad you are safe and that that guy didn't attempt anything physical with you!!
      And I respect that. Just please be careful around guys like that!!

  3. Southernheat says:

    Women notice hot guys, yes. I check out a guy with a cute butt or nice chest at the gym, but it’s just admiring not really a turn on. Guys are much more visual I think.
    I think all women are different. m
    Many women aren’t that into sex but many of us are.
    I think about sex all the time and ways to make it more interesting and I enjoy coming up with ideas to please my man. I would have sex everyday if he was on board with that, but usually only 2 or 3 times a week for intercourse. However he has learned through all these years that I want and need more, so he will offer to finger or lick me pretty much anytime I want. I also masturbate everyday. I didn’t used to masturbate but since we’ve talked about it, he’s happy I do. That takes pressure off him to perform and keeps me in a much happier mood. I’ve always had a much higher sex drive and it created problems in the beginning but things are great now! I felt I was abnormal because I wanted it all the time. I though he should want it all the time too. Don’t get me wrong, he loves it but just doesn’t need it as often as me.

  4. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    @Hotnorthern and Jam777
    As a father to seven girls, and in watching other little girls with their dads, I have concluded that something has been hardwired into every female, and that is the desire of being "chased" or pursued and caught! From baby stage right up to pre-adolescence, these just love to be chased by me. They squeal in delight at being chased, and squeal even louder at being "caught" and tickled or bear hugged. And right when they think I have given up the chase, they will "open" themselves (make themselves vulnerable) a bit in order to entice me to chase them again. Yes, it's a game, a game they love to play over and over. So dad's with young girls, I believe the way you play this game with your daughters will condition them for when they are older and looking for attention from boys and young men. Be careful to treat them with love and respect and gentleness, and they will likely look for a boy/man who will treat them in the same way you do. Even a simple game of "chase" prepares them for their future mate. They may make a move to show a young man their interest, but they will instinctively wait for the chase to see if he is worthy of them.

    • JAM777 says:

      Intriguing point… I have not considered this before. The girl I mentioned who wanted me to "chase her harder," might have something similar… her dad just left one day and never came back… 🙁
      She is a playful person and I just attributed it to a matter of maturity… that she hasn't had a situation where she could learn when to and not be playful…? (She is very isolated. They live in the Ozarks far from most towns or other people.)

      But thank you for sharing this, I'll keep this in my mind going forward!

      Ladies who read this, do you have this desire of wanting to be chased too?

    • Hotnorthern says:

      I think ladies generally want the man to make the first move. It’s a way we can gage how interested he is. I’ve never asked a man out though I’ve had guy friends tell me they are perfectly fine with a girl asking them out (and one guy told me he would never ask someone out because he didn’t feel worthy.) He got married recently and his wife was the one to initiate the relationship. I don’t think I could take it that far though.

      It’s an issue of respect for me, I guess. Not necessarily that I think it’s disrespectful but that I feel I wouldn't respect him as much if I had to do everything to pursue the relationship. If I care about someone, I’ll drop hints but it’s up to them to make the first move. Unfortunately, the one man who I really truly adored and loved never has made a move. At this point, I’ve kind of accepted that it’s for the best. But it still deeply hurts and it’s more that three years later. Maybe it's because he is still a good friend and I have to look into the eyes of the best man-friend I ever have had and know that he may never feel that way about me. C ‘est la Vie. ?

  5. ClimaXX says:

    Ouch Hotnorthern. It is hurtful to love and desire someone and the love does not come back. I think the ideal is when your best friend becomes your spouse and LOVER – – – But the worst is when your Spouse and LOVER becomes your friend ONLY.

  6. SecondMarge says:

    People vary wildly. But women on average are less into sex than men. That doesn’t mean any one woman isn’t horny all the time and one man that couldn’t care less. Makes those conversations before marriage important.

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