What Should I Expect In a Future Marriage?
Greetings!
I’m a young single man, never married. What should I reasonably and confidently expect in a sexual relationship with my future wife? What should my “sexpectations” be, so to speak?
I have no idea what women want in the bedroom. Should I expect my future wife to be open to trying new things in bed? What should I expect on my wedding night? I know every woman is different. But in general, what do women want from their husbands, sexually?
I have a problem with fantasizing about what I want in my future marriage. I don’t know if my expectations are totally unrealistic or would be uncomfortable for a woman to participate in. I want to be respectful of my future wife and prepared to oblige any of her sexual desires and preferences. That’s true even if they seem to disappoint my own.
Ultimately, I don’t want to get my hopes up for a sexual relationship that’s unrealistic. So what should I reasonably hope for?
Thanks everyone!
Sex is like a box of chocolates.
The short answer to this is everyone is different, and the only way you will know any of this is through a frank discussion with her about her and your sexual expectations and fantasies. A good premarital counselor would go through these issues with you both. Of course, too many people wait too long to have these discussions. Definitely any time after one is married is too late (but if you are married and have never had this discussion, then it still needs to be had, the sooner the better.) I would even suggest this needs to be done before one is engaged. The reason for this is that once an engagement has taken place, you are already committed to marriage. While sex won’t necessarily be the deciding factor on whether you marry or not, you need to go into marriage with both eyes wide open.
And that is the hitch. It would take a big deal to unengage one another and as it regards sex, you could be made to feel, either from her or yourself, that you are being selfish if you really are bothered about something sexually related. You need to decide what are your own lines you will draw. Like, if she says that she believes that sex should only be done when you intend to have children, is that a problem for you, enough that it would make marriage out of the question for you? Better to decide those things ahead of time. You’ll be in love, and most people don’t think too rationally when they are infatuated with someone else.
The difficulty may be in having an honest and frank discussion. Because of infatuation, she very well could agree to things that once she is in the bedroom on the wedding night, she doesn’t feel comfortable going through with. Of course, anyone can change, as my own wife’s example has shown. Maybe not the way I would have liked it to go, but she did change for the better in regard to having sex over the years. But only after much anguish on my part, feeling initially that I was led to believe one thing, only to have the “bait and switch” done on me once we were married. And, keep in mind, it may not be intentional. She, in the midst of an infatuation mindset, might believe she wouldn’t mind it, only to be hit with guilt and anguish once it comes to it.
Despite that, having that discussion is the only way to discover what her and your expectations are. While we are still on the topic, there are other discussions that are important to have before committing yourself to marriage. What are your expectations of how money will be handled? What are your expectations about how discipline of the children will be handled? In my own case, the money hasn’t been that big an issue. But the children have. I essentially gave up trying to be that involved in my kids' upbringing, because it only resulted in me being the bad guy, and she would undermine my decisions with them. So, I stopped deciding and didn’t get involved much. That was an area that we desperately needed to discuss, and we may have to some degree. But that all went out the window once the rubber met the road. I felt, through a big part of our marriage, that I wasn’t respected, by my kids or my wife. Not a good place to be in. That has all changed in the last eight years of our marriage now that the kids are grown. We just celebrated our 37th anniversary. Anyway, I only bring that up to highlight the dangers of not discussing one’s expectations frankly and honestly. It may take going to see a marital counselor to facilitate that discussion, especially if you have any trouble in getting good solid answers as you discuss this at some point.
So, when should you bring it up? I’d say whenever you get the sense that a relationship is moving toward marriage. You don’t want to bring this up too soon, or you may cause her to run away. Many women (and men) tend to be gun shy about a guy who starts talking marriage on the first few dates. You and/or she may get the sense that if everything goes right, he or she is someone you could spend the rest of your life with, but everything has its time and place. Only when you are thinking, “I’d like to propose to this girl” would I first have that conversation.
But, I would certainly have that conversation at some point. But first, you need to decide what exactly your expectations are, what they should be, and the degree of flexibility about any of it you are willing to have for the right woman. What are your lines that you are unwilling to cross? Both in regards to what you will and won’t do, but also in what you want in a partner for life? What are their expectations that you will not accept? Which ones might you be more flexible on?
It is good you are thinking about these things. Read good books together once you know you are both headed towards marriage. Books about sex, books about finances (David Ramsey's is one I would recommend), books about raising children. They can be good discussion starters. And may God lead you to the right woman for you!
You can expect that your future marriage will likely have some elements of your current dreams, and some elements that are nothing like your expectations. Marriages take a lot of work, sacrifice, and investment… and so does a marriage bed. Don’t worry yourself about getting your future fantasies “right” — or feeling perfectly prepared. Just be ready to be the best man of God YOU can be. Follow Phil 2:2 and always be ready to put the interests of your wife above yourself, and things will line up nicely. Sometimes, like a vacation, you enjoy it more if you don’t have specific expectations. And that applies *especially* to the Wedding night and Honeymoon. If you just focus on having fun together, it’s way better than trying to put on a sexual fireworks show. Take a deep breath. It’s a marathon… don’t get freaked out about the first quarter mile.
That's a big question? It's impossible to answer for your future wife as we have no idea what she will be like or what life she comes from. And I'm not a woman. But I've been married over 30 years and my advice to you is we men can come into it with high expectations from years of masterbation and fantasy that are very unrealistic …at least in the short term anyway.
1. Be emotionaly healthy yourself then marry an emotionally healthy woman. ( No one's perfect but you know)
2. This is a big one…..Start slow and gentle. Learn together. You don't need to know or expect every technical skill or kink. That can set you up for failure and hurt as you may expect and pressure too much. ( Very important)
3. Let her determine the wedding night. Some don't even have sex the 1st night due to exhaustion stress etc. Or it's very basic lasting minutes…lol. hold her. It's not all about your penis.
4. After many years what makes a big difference in my life is always be kind, provide, communicate, did I say communicate, help her in the house always and forever.
5. Pray for your sex life now and always.
6. Communicate
7. Then again maybe she'll be the really "horny" one chasing you around…lol……….
Try not to over do it on the " research" now ….it can just keep you endlessly horny and create unrealistic expectations. Learn the basics obviously but have a life beyond your sex drive.
So much good stuff already said that I don’t think I have much to add.
I’ll just say this.
Keep your word. Earn her trust. Be up front about what you want and ALWAYS communicate that what you want is HER more than just a vehicle for your fantasies. Tap into your sacred masculine energy to open up her feminine energy. Draw her out. Seduce her. Be the stability in her ebb and flow. Have a goal and a plan for your life and the well-being of your family. Don’t obey her. Take charge. Be kind but assertive. Put her and your children first. Make her laugh. Be the calm in the eye of the storm.
You do this well and you can anticipate just about any kind of red hot sex you can imagine.
There’s a highly charged erotic energy running through every woman but sometimes it’s buried deep. But when you’re the kind of man she feels secure enough with to be her full, truest self with…damn. It doesn’t get any better than that.
I agree with all of the above. We've been married 40 years and I really don't remember. As I heard not too long ago from a wise friend – Just Hang in there!!
I agree with SecondMarge's statement " sex is like a box of chocolates " You just never know what you're gonna get!
My advice is simply just roll with it. Love your future wife with all your mind, heart and body. Be grateful for the love she gives you and cherish each moment for life is fleeting.
Sex with your future wife will be a learn as you go experience, so just relax and roll with it my brother. God Bless you!
Hi David, I'm so glad you decided to ask these questions! That shows you're being intentional about building the right mindset and expectations about your future marriage. Being a member of this community has helped me do those exact things over the last few years.
Before I give any advice, I want you to know that I am not married either, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I have learned a lot over the last few years, but I do not speak from experience.
Because I love giving detailed and well-thought-out advice, my response to your questions is pretty long. I've summarized your questions and my answers here:
Q: What should I reasonably expect sexually from my future wife?
A: Build your expectations by reading MarriageHeat stories, seeking advice from those who are married, and talking about expectations (both yours and hers) with your future wife before getting married. MaxLoving's advice on this in his comment above is very valuable.
Q: Should I expect her to be open to trying new things?
A: Expect she will not live up to your desires, at least initially. But be willing to be patient, loving, and encouraging to help her grow sexually. If you have this attitude from the start and set expectations well, she may pleasantly surprise you.
Q: What do women want in the bedroom?
A: Women generally want closeness and bonding in the bedroom rather than specific acts or displays of prowess. Love her first and foremost, then learn to please her more, in part by asking her what she desires and enjoys.
Q: What should I expect for my wedding night?
A: Expect it to be slow and simple, but by no means boring. Make sure you're both comfortable, and allow her time to become aroused and to loosen up so that she experiences minimal pain with first-time sex.
Now I'll give my more detailed opinions, starting with general expectations. As you know, everyone is different, and sometimes their attitudes and desires differ dramatically. When you first get married, she may start out very reserved, or eager to explore. Expect that it will take time for her to embrace your desires. That way you are least likely to be disappointed, and you may be pleasantly surprised. I've learned from experienced couples that, wherever it begins, your sex life will gradually grow or die depending on how much love and effort you and your wife put into that area together. When you're courting and engaged, make sure you talk about these possibilities to your girlfriend/fiancee. If you properly set expectations together ahead of time, you can prevent your sex life from being pushed to the margins, and instead help it grow into something amazing.
MaxLoving's comment focused on the idea of open and honest conversation about important things, including sex, and he had some wise things to say about it. I'm going to talk about it a lot as well, because this kind of communication is vitally important, both before and during marriage. It's smart to have deep discussions about sex with anyone you're considering marrying. The beautiful thing is that through conversation, you can shape both of your expectations together. Discuss the aspects of life and sex that are important to you, but make sure you wait for the right time. Even if it's deeply important to you, sex is probably not discussion material for the first date, or even the tenth (especially for discussing things in more detail).
On a similar topic, should you expect her to be open to trying new things? That's something else you'd find out through open and honest conversations with her during courtship. Overall, I think it should be reasonable to expect her to gradually open up and try new things, even if she may not want to do them regularly. However, keep in mind that she is a flawed human being and will not always live up to that ideal. Copious amounts of gentle encouragement and patience should help this growth process. Also, you should be willing to change and grow in ways she would like! If we want someone else to grow and try new things, we need to be willing to do the same ourselves, even if it's in a different area. Mutual sacrificial love is a beautiful thing, and we need more of it in marriages!
Now, if she isn't willing to grow and try new things, you should still be able to treat her lovingly. But unwillingness or inability to work through thoughts and feelings in certain areas and make changes may be indicative of a dangerous underlying attitude. It may be caused by personal trauma or a medically-based issue rather than simply pride, but it would need to be addressed either way. I personally think this is a big red flag and a very important problem to watch out for in any potential spouse. This goes for both men and women equally: If they're ultimately unwilling to change in a wide variety of areas, they're very likely an unwise choice of a spouse. This is why it's such a great thing that you're already thinking of how you can best prepare yourself to "oblige any of her sexual desires and preferences." It shows you ARE willing to adapt to her desires. That is a beautiful attitude to have! Just make sure she doesn't think you only want to serve her sexually. Apply that attitude to serving her in other ways too!
Next, what do women want? This is probably the most complex problem on the list, but there are some general guidelines. Here are the basics, of course with the caveat that every woman is different: they generally prefer slow, sensual and extended sex. This may be for several reasons, including their longer time requirement to become fully aroused and reach orgasm, and their sexual attitude that is focused more on bonding, with pleasure being secondary, whereas the bonding aspect can be a little less important to men (though not always). Of course, sometimes women do want it rougher, some more often than others.
Beyond that, their sexual tastes vary drastically from person to person, just like men. Some may just want missionary position with the lights off and no oral foreplay, while others may be more playful, expressive and eager to try different positions and techniques. Some members of the MarriageHeat community used to be the uninterested, once-a-month wives and grew to be much more eager and passionate about sex! Search for stories about sexual awakening here on MarriageHeat and see for yourself. And of course, the best way to figure out what your future wife might like is to ask her! You have to be careful not to cross boundaries (like asking something too specific too early on), but you may be able to find out some valuable information about her specific interests. And if you can't, don't worry! Once you're married, you'll have the rest of your lives together to explore and learn to please each other!
If you're interested in learning about women's desires more specifically, here's a method I've learned: when I read stories here on MarriageHeat, I take note of the desires and behaviors of the women and the things that they enjoy. I make a mental database of these things and see what's common between lots of women (maybe gentle touches, loving compliments and encouragements, or pleasurable areas of female anatomy). This way I see what applies to most or all women, so that even without knowing my future wife, I know many ways to please her. Once we are courting, I can speak with her about these things and fine-tune that knowledge. Once we are married, I can put that knowledge into practice and fine-tune it even more. I think this approach may be one of the best ways to learn these kinds of things ahead of time, but I would still be careful about it. Hold your conclusions loosely and be willing to change them, just in case your wife is different. Also seek advice from experienced couples to refine your knowledge. MarriageHeat is a great place to do all of those things, from analyzing stories to seeking advice from those with experience!
Finally, what can you expect for your wedding night? Of course, that depends on lots of different factors, but there are some things you and your wife can learn ahead of time that will help you. Make sure you understand the basics of sex, like both male and female sexual response cycles, basic techniques and positions, and additional advice from those with experience (again, ask the MarriageHeat community and read wedding night and honeymoon stories with advice written into them). Encourage your wife to seek the same basic knowledge. This will help you during your wedding night and beyond, but there is a lot of good advice specific to the wedding night. The biggest thing I've learned is to go slow and take some time to focus on making sure she's aroused, loosened up and ready for intercourse. If she's a virgin, I would highly suggest an extended time of foreplay and gentle vaginal stretching (maybe by gently pleasuring her with your fingers) to help minimize the pain that is commonly experienced by women having sex for the first time. Also, read all of the wedding night and honeymoon stories you can on Marriage Heat! I've gathered so much knowledge and advice from stories here, and I am absolutely certain it has given me a huge jump-start toward being a better lover from the first night with my future wife!
To summarize, there is a great deal of learning you can do and advice you can find. But for some of the things that are more specific to your future wife, you'll have to learn those from her as you grow in your relationship. The good news is that you can set a general, conservative framework of expectations, then update that with specifics once you are at the right stage in developing the relationship.
If the woman you begin courting is truly interested in loving you well and being open, honest and transparent, she should do her best to supply you with this kind of knowledge about herself. Hopefully she will also ask to learn more about you so she can be better at serving and loving you too! My humble advice is to look for someone who loves Christ and strives to love you in this transparent way. For me at least, that kind of love is far more important than even sex itself.
I know this was long, but I hope it helps! I like to help people learn as much as possible because I couldn't imagine trying to go into marriage without knowledge like this! If you have further questions or more specific ones, I'm sure the community would be happy to help you! 🙂
Reminds me when I was in grad school and friends of mine were going to get married. They had to attend counseling with the celibate, never married, virgin priest about their sex life. They had lived together for 3 years. They were serious Catholics and attended mass regularly. Just did not agree with the no sex before marriage rule.
I’m sure the priest must have taken some classes about sex. I just find it difficult taking advice seriously from someone that has no experience no matter how well meaning.
When I think how different I am now from the wedding night of my first marriage, no one can anticipate if the inside of the chocolate is gooey or has nuts. Then aren’t we all a little gooey sometimes and a little nuts others?
Hi David:
There are two things that are especially important in choosing a wife. That she be generous, and that she have a good libido.
Every couple is so different that it will be impossible to determine beforehand what the specifics of your marriage sex story will be like. It is a story that you will be writing for the rest of your lives. What specific sexual activities she will be willing to participate in is not as important as her general overall willingness to please you. For example, she may refuse to try anal sex, but if she delights in experimenting in other areas and fulfilling most every other desire you have, you are blessed beyond measure.
That said, I do believe that there are things in addition to penis-vagina intercourse that are so basic that you should, in your pre-engagement discussions, agree to at least try.
1. Manual stimulation. Manual clitoral stimulation is the only way that many women can orgasm.
2. Cunnilingus. You have not loved a woman until you experience her in this way. A lot of women are embarrassed by their vulva –they don't like the way it looks or thinks it is unsanitary. Of course nothing could be further from the truth. So regardless of how she feels about receiving oral sex, she should agree to let you do it. It will probably feel great for her once she becomes comfortable with it.
In my experience, oral sex on me (I am a guy) is not as big a deal and something I would be more flexible about. Semen is an acquired taste at best. But the preejaculate is not objectionable, and IMO it is a form of foreplay that any wife should be willing to do. If she is willing to have you come in her mouth, that would be great. It is not as fulfilling as coming in her vagina IMO, but is still fantastic form of variety, and I appreciate my wife's willingness to occasionally do something for me that she may not particularly enjoy. Otoh, some women enjoy it. If that turns out to be the case with your wife, it is your sacred duty to accommodate her :-).
3. Breast play and nipple sucking. On both of you.
4. G-spot stimulation.
You may find some of these things do nothing for either of you, which is fine. But keep them in your repertoire occasionally. Some things may not be pleasurable at first, but you will come to enjoy it as you mature. I am a big titty man, and before marriage we agreed that she allow me to suck her nipples. She did not enjoy it until after getting pregnant and nursing. However, she loved it after nursing, and actually needs it to come now.
G-spot stimulation will almost certainly be uncomfortable for her at first — a need-to-pee sensation that will probably go away after a few sessions.
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Do not underestimate the importance of the wife's libido. If, when having pre-engagement discussions, my wife said "Look, I understand that sex is important to most people. I have no hangups, and happily will do anything you want as often as you want it. But I have no sexual desires of my own." I would not have married her. Men need to be needed by their wife. There is nothing that makes me feel more loved than my wife saying "I need you to take me to bed NOW." My wife's libido has seen us thru many rocky patches in marriage.
Determining her libido before marriage could be difficult. If she were sexually active in the past, that is no guarantee that she has a good libido.
My wife loves affection and engaged in premarital open-mouth kissing with passion and without reservation. Her body was responding and obviously getting turned on by it. She was comfortable talking about sex and how she was looking forward to it. Discuss masturbation. If she does that regularly, she is probably OK. But a girl who does not masturbate does not necessarily have a low libido, especially if she is young.
Also be aware that a horny woman will probably respond differently than a horny man. With us, I might have five orgasms to my wife's one. But when she has one, it is invariably a major production :-).
Bottom line, agree that if either of you have physical sexual problems at any point in your marriage, you will see a hormone doctor. Both male and female problems are fixable nowdays thanks to bioidentical hormone replacement.
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One caution on a post made my another reader. PatientPassion wrote:
If you're interested in learning about women's desires more specifically, here's a method I've learned: when I read stories here on MarriageHeat,
I agree with PatientPassion that MarriageHeat and other Christian sex forums are indeed an excellent resource. You can learn way more from couples who actually have sex and share the details than you can all the books ever written. But be aware that the couples who post here are NOT typical. People who are comfortable sharing their sexual experiences with others are not typical. They invest extra effort into their sex lives, and probably tend to have higher libidos and more sexual abilities than average. And most of them have been married many years. That doesn't mean that everyone else can't have a great sex also. But it may not ever be like some people here, and certainly won't be at first.
In particular, from reading here, you may conclude that most women routinely orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex. But sex researchers tell us that the majority of women do not regularly orgasm from PIV. It is something that can be learned in many cases, but just don't get frustrated if she doesn't orgasm from PIV and never learns to. That is normal.
Yes, women do have some things in common. One thing is that the clitoris is the center of female pleasure. It is an amazing organ. But knowing that and translating it into orgasms for your wife is a whole different matter, and will be a unique and perhaps long chapter in your marriage bed story.
Sex is something you should discuss with your partner before you marry, just as you should discuss if/how many children you want or don't want and how they will be disciplined, will there be a stay at home parent, whose career path may take precedence when job offers may require relocation, etc.
Even so,
"Expect the unexpected."
"You make plans and then, life happens."