🔊 Sex Can be Funny Sometimes!

(Author’s note: This is not a fictional story. However, I had to ‘cut and paste,’ so to speak, from two or three different sexual encounters and mash them up into one flowing story. Enjoy!)

It was a normal Saturday. Joe and Lisa were both home and puttering about the yard and house, doing weekend chores. They had been busy most of the morning outside. They had been mowing the grass, weeding the flower beds, and sweeping the drive. Their ten-year-old daughter, Justine, was away at a sleepover. She was not due back till late afternoon.

It was a warm and sunny day. Joe was wearing shorts and no shirt, as he was trying to darken his tan. Lisa wore a pair of loose-fitting jogging shorts and a tight sports tank top with no bra. The top hugged her curves perfectly. Joe couldn’t help but steal glances towards his wife all morning. They hadn’t had sex for a few days, and both of them were feeling a little pent up.

The temperature was starting to rise, so they both decided to go inside to cool off and fix some lunch. Joe used the restroom while Lisa got started with making some salads in the kitchen. The kitchen and dining area flowed together in their house as a large room. Freckles, their yellow Lab dog was snoozing under the table.

Joe came out of the washroom just in time to see his lovely wife at the refrigerator. The door was open, and she was bent over, picking some produce out of one of the lower compartments. She was in just the right position to show off her long legs and amazing ass. Joe’s cock had been sporting a partial erection all morning from taking in the sight of his wife. Now seeing her like this served to spring it right up to full mast.

Lisa closed the fridge door and took the veggies over to the counter, turning her back to Joe. As she was busy preparing food, he slid up behind her. He reached his arms around her in a strong embrace. She stopped her food prep to enjoy the close presence of her hubby. She could feel the hardness of his cock press up behind her through the thin fabric of their clothes.

Joe began kissing her neck, sending shivers throughout her body. His hands cupped her ample bosom, and he started teasing her nipples. His touch sent new shock waves right down to her pussy. Joe was touching and kissing all the right spots, which served to rev up Lisa’s libido. Lunch could wait.

Lisa turned around, and they locked lips. Hands were flying over each other’s bodies. The heat between them increased exponentially. Joe couldn’t wait any longer. Grabbing Lisa’s shorts, he sent them to her ankles with a yank. Then he reached up and grabbed the waistband of her panties–but these he didn’t tug down. Instead, in one swift and powerful motion, his right hand pulled straight to the right, and his left hand to the left. He tore the panties clean off of her! Joe threw the wasted garment across the kitchen floor. Then he quickly lowered his own shorts and underwear, allowing his cock to spring free. Freckles woke up from his nap and began to observe his owners.

If Lisa’s pussy wasn’t wet before, it sure was now. The surprise action of Joe forcibly removing her panties was like turning on a tap inside of her. As Joe pressed the tip of his cock up against her entrance, moisture trickled down. It coated him as he slid up inside of her.

Lisa moaned as he filled her up. Both of them are quite tall people, Joe at 6’2” and Lisa at 5′ 11”. That made it easy for Joe to lift Lisa slightly and place her ass on the countertop. She parted her legs to allow Joe to pound into her. And pound her he did. Joe rammed his cock into Lisa at a frenetic pace. Lisa groaned at the feeling of it. Joe was working so hard he broke a sweat and was breathing heavy.

That’s when it happened! No silly, not an orgasm. Joe and Lisa stopped dead in their tracks because they heard a noise. First, came a knock. Then they heard a voice call out.

“Hello? Anyone up there?”

Oh no! It was Joe’s mother! You see, Joe’s parents lived in the basement of the house. There was a single staircase with a door at the bottom that separated the two levels. Joe’s parents had their own entrance to the suite, but the door leading up the stairs was never locked. Joe and Lisa knew they had roughly ten seconds, give or take, before Joe’s mom ascended the stairs. She would turn a corner to walk down the hallway, turn another corner to enter the kitchen–and presumably catch them in the act!

There was no escape route for them; they were trapped in the room. They both had to act and think fast if they didn’t want to get caught. Joe quickly popped out of Lisa and bent down to tug up his shorts. He tried desperately not to tangle his underwear in the process. Lisa slid off the counter and bent over to do the same. Thankfully, neither of them had removed Lisa’s top. All she had to worry about was snatching up her own panties and shorts.

OH NO! Her panties! Where did Joe throw them? She couldn’t let Joe’s mom see her torn panties laying in a heap on the floor! Lisa scanned the room and found them in the far corner. She quickly hiked up her shorts and ran over to where the panties lay. Joe’s mom was almost there; they could hear her footsteps getting ever so close. Lisa grabbed the panties and, in a desperate attempt to hide them, opened up a breadbox that sat on the counter. She threw them inside and closed the lid.

While Lisa dealt with her panties, Joe fumbled once or twice to pull up his shorts. He was now in flight or fight mode, but mostly flight. All he wanted to do was get out of the room. He got his shorts up in just the nick of time before his mom rounded the corner. However, he was still sporting a massive boner that he was sure his mom would see tenting out the front of his shorts. He quickly dodged to the right as his mom entered the room from the left. He pretended to be looking for something and then said, “I think it’s in the bedroom. I’ll look for it there.”

Joe awkwardly turned to leave the room, nearly colliding with his mom. He sidestepped her and headed straight for the bedroom. His mom took one look at him and said, “Why, Joe, you’re beet red and sweating and breathing hard! Whatever were you doing?”

Without stopping, Joe replied over his shoulder, “Uhhhhh, I… I was… I was vacuuming!”

Lisa couldn’t believe her ears. She didn’t mind Joe telling his mom a fib, but vacuuming?!? Why on earth did he say that??? There was no way his mom would buy that. First of all, his mom would have heard the noise of the vacuum through the floor. But secondly and even worse, there was NO vacuum in the room!! And thirdly, there was now no Joe in the room. This left Lisa to defend herself against Joe’s absentminded lie. How could his brain be so dysfunctional at a time like this?

Joe’s mom stood there, dumbfounded, looking in the direction her son had gone. Lisa needed to distract her from asking the inevitable questions. She quickly stepped forward and cheerfully quipped, “Hi mom! How can I help? Are you needing something?”. Lisa hoped to high heaven that Joe’s mom wasn’t looking for some bread.

Joe’s mom replied, “Uh, yes, I came looking for my jacket. Dad and I are headed out for the rest of the day, and I need my jacket. I think I left it on the seat of one of the chairs at the table when we visited here last night.”

Lisa looked over at the table chairs and saw the edge of the jacket peeking out from one of them. “Yes, I see it. Here it is.” She picked it up and handed it to her mother-in-law. Then she turned back to her formerly abandoned salad making and made herself busy. Joe’s mom said thanks and made her retreat. Lisa heard her walk back downstairs and watched out the window as her in-laws got in their car and left. A few minutes later, Joe came back into the room.

Joe and Lisa’s eyes met, and they burst out laughing. “VACUUMING???!!! That was the best you could come up with? I can’t believe you said that.” Lisa reached out and smacked her husband on the arm.

“Ow! I couldn’t help myself. I was so afraid of getting caught that I wasn’t ready for her question. It caught me off guard. Do you think she figured it out?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. It was probably a good thing they were headed out right away; otherwise, she may have stuck around to talk.”

Joe and Lisa held onto each other once more. Lisa looked up into Joe’s eyes and said, “Well, we don’t have to worry about getting caught by your parents again. They just drove off.” She reached down and felt her husband’s flaccid penis. “And if Mr. Happy can recover from his shock, I want him back in me. NOW! You can’t work a girl up like that and just leave. I’m all hot and bothered, I need you to finish me off.” Lisa could feel her husband’s member respond to her touch.

“I’ll be happy to oblige both you and Mr. Happy!”

And with that, Joe kissed Lisa passionately, their hands once again exploring each other’s body. It didn’t take long for Joe’s cock to return to readiness. This time Joe removed his wife’s top, allowing her breasts to hang free. He grabbed her at the waist and spun Lisa around to bend her over the table. They both dropped their shorts, then Joe entered her from behind and resumed his bombardment of her pussy.

With each thrust of his hips, he buried his cock to the hilt, causing Lisa’s tits to jiggle with the movement. Freckles the dog once again took notice of their actions. Lisa reached down and fondled her own clit. It didn’t take long for her passion to over-cum her and a powerful orgasm to wash over her. Joe felt his wife’s release, which in turn triggered his own massive orgasm. His body tensed, and his cock deposited a big load of cum deep inside of her.

With both of them spent and satisfied, Joe pulled out of Lisa’s pussy and went to the refrigerator for a cold drink. All this ‘hard’ work had gotten him thirsty. Lisa picked up her clothes and made her way to the bathroom to clean up. After finishing his drink, Joe followed after Lisa. What neither Joe or Lisa knew was that a big glop of Joe’s cum had fallen out of Lisa’s pussy and landed on the floor. As Joe tried to leave the kitchen, he stepped right onto the glop and slipped, twisting his ankle. Joe yelped out in pain.

Lisa came running out of the bathroom, still naked. “What’s the matter, what happened?”

“It looks like you lost something on the way to the bathroom. I slipped on my own cum and twisted my ankle. It hurts like hell.”

Lisa laughed out loud. “Whoops! Sorry. That happens sometimes. You never know when that stuff will slip out. Here, let me help you to the bathtub so we can run some cold water on your foot. I’ll get an ice compress, and you can lay down for a while. Hopefully, it won’t swell too bad.” Lisa gave her husband support as he hobbled to the bathroom.

Even though he was in pain, Joe couldn’t help but laugh at himself as well. “Thanks. I never thought sex could be so dangerous. Don’t forget to clean up that cum off the floor when you go to get the ice. Don’t want Justine to come home and see it and wonder what it is.”

“Right. No problem,” said Lisa. She moistened a facecloth at the bathroom sink and went out to clean up the mess. But when she got back into the kitchen, all she saw were blotchy wet paths where the streak of cum should have been. That’s when she noticed Freckles sitting a few feet away, licking his chops. The dog had cleaned up the spill with his tongue!

Lisa called out to Joe, “Um, you don’t have to worry about your cum. Freckles beat me to it.”

“What? Are you serious? The dog ate my cum?” Joe asked, incredulous.

After soaking and getting some ice on his foot, Joe laid down and had a nap. Lisa retrieved a fresh pair of panties from the dresser and got dressed, then went back to the yard to work in the shade.

Later that afternoon, their daughter returned from her sleepover. She was hungry and wanted a snack, so she decided to make some toast. Lisa heard her daughter call out the back door,

“Mom! Why is there a pair of ripped up panties in the breadbox???”

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7 replies
  1. Cuddles says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAAA What a riot!

    I was cracking up already in belly-laughter with the panties in the bread-box … and then the VACUUMING … but Freckles' lunch of GOLD!?!!!
    Talk about keeping it in the family LOL
    …and please let us in on how Lisa squirmed out of daughter's inquiry? Not with the SECOND family porky for the day surely!

    What fun!
    Such a good read!
    Well done HeSaid-SheSaid!

  2. texasman76 says:

    This was so funny! I remember one time we were doing it missionary in the afternoon when the land line phone rang and my wife answered. It was my sister-in-law, I looked at my wife like "Really? you HAD to answer the phone instead of letting it go to the machine?" I continued to pound away while they had a conversation. It amazed me that she could control herself while on the phone like that. Another time we were having sex when one of our daughters abruptly came in our room. Fortunately, we were still under the covers at that point with me on top and I slowly slid off. My wife went to get out of the bed to tend to her (she was pre school at that time). Suddenly, she asked "Mommy, where are your panties?" We looked at each other and I can't remember what excuse my wife made as to what had happened to them. We made sure and double checked the door was locked after that close call.

    • SecondMarge says:

      Trying to talk on the phone as my husband continued moving his cock inside me was a challenge we both had many laughs over.

  3. Fiftyfitfidelity says:

    That was a real plot (ankle) twist at the end and I didn't see it cummming :D. We've been lucky in our 24 years not to have gotten walked in on. I do enjoy the lunch turns to sex in the kitchen time. Sexy, well described and funny at the end, though twisting of ankles generally isn't something to laugh at…

  4. SecondMarge says:

    Being walked in on by children, relatives or pets can lead to funny if not embarrassing situations.

    My husband’s sister was getting married and several of us crashed at their parents home. More than they had bedrooms. The den we tried to sleep in was right up against his parents bedroom. A little kissing led to some touching but fear of being heard stopped us just when we heard the unmistakable rhythmic squeaking of their bed frame. I laughed, my husband was embarrassed.

    Sex can be funny.

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