Is There Something Wrong With Me?
I wouldn’t otherwise ask random strangers on the internet for advice, but with this subject, it’s hard to ask friends that I know without revealing too much about my own wife.
We’ve been married for 12 years, and unfortunately, sex has never really been a part of the equation in our marriage. My wife isn’t into it and unwilling to try new things. It has gotten to the point where we very rarely have sex (6-8 times a year), and when we do, she can’t even open her eyes to look at me. I should preface this by saying that there is no past history of abuse or pornography use in our relationship or prior, nor has there been any infidelity or medical issues.
My wife is beautiful. She’s an amazing mom, and I love her. I just want to be with her in an intimate way. For about 10 years, I grew resentful of the fact that we were missing out on a great gift from God, even getting us into couple’s counseling. We tried scheduling, doctors, fitness, etc., but after a couple weeks, things just go back to being the same.
I’m 40 years old, and I’d love to try oral sex, but it grosses her out (which I take to mean I gross her out). Her love language is acts of service, and I’ll do everything I can to clean the house, cook dinner, and I think she genuinely appreciates that, but unfortunately, my love language is touch. She’ll give me a hug before she leaves for the day and a quick kiss goodnight, but if I try to initiate sex, she’ll say something like, “can we do it tomorrow?” Then the cycle repeats.
I feel like we’re pretty successful by the world’s standards, so money isn’t a daily burden for us. We pray together and with our children, and I feel like we’re in a good place spiritually as a couple and as a family. I try to initiate intimacy, holding her hand, rubbing her back, but it always leads to the question: “You’re just wanting sex, aren’t you?” Sometimes I am, and sometimes I’m not, but I’m honestly just trying to be close to her, no matter what that looks like. Unfortunately, I’ll take what I can get at this point.
Here’s my question: is it unreasonable for me to expect sex? The Bible seems clear on this for married couples, but what do I do? I can’t force her to if she ultimately feels uncomfortable or doesn’t want sex. I’ve told her that to get to sleep at night, I go into the bathroom and masturbate, thinking about situations that I’d like to have with her. I sometimes lay awake until 3 or 4 in the morning trying to resist masturbating to thoughts of my wife, but ultimately I just want to go to sleep.
When I travel, I’ve asked her if she could send me a provocative picture. She never does. So one time, I sent her one of me, and she told me, “That does nothing for me, and it’s gross.” Message received loud and clear.
My other question is: is it a sin to lust after my wife? Should I go to counseling, since much of my day is consumed thinking about my wife sexually and the frustration of not having it?
I would never consider divorce as an option, but I see my wife in these hot yoga pants or changing into lace underwear, and it just kills me that I rarely get to experience any of that. I torture myself reading stories on this website, longing for 1% of this to actually happen to our marriage.
I know God can do anything, but I’m to the point where I’m praying for God just to take away my sexual desires so that I can live my life and be happy.
Thank you in advance for your thoughtful advice.
You practically described my marriage. The major difference is that I’ve been married 6 years longer. I can tell you that my sex life has improved significantly from years 12 to 18… and it wasn’t magic — it was work. There’s so much I could say, but I’ll try to just say the 3 most important things: (a) Sex isn’t an “optional” part of marriage… If God is the ‘Glue’, sex is the ‘glue’. However making sex a demand (or command) isn’t helpful to someone who is a-sexual. But use any means necessary (books, seminars, counseling, difficult conversations) to get your wife to at least accept that sex is essential (even if not desired). (b) Get super comfortable with mutual masturbation. My wife still finds more discomfort than pleasure with PIV intercourse. Our willingness to include vibrators and allow masturbating together to be the “main course” was a game changer. (c) One key for us was to break the cycle of your 4th paragraph. The way we did that is thru scheduling sex, and keeping that appointment. You haven’t really tried it if you only made it 2 weeks. It has to be agreed in advance that it will be taken more seriously than a hair appointment. Sure occasional IOUs need to be granted due to illness or a really late poker night, so flexibility is good… but not to the point where the sexy appointment is always ‘optional’. Our days have changed, and we adjust to life changes, but we manage our 2x a week sex schedule like a couple needs to manage their budget. It still feels like a chore for my wife… but she knows it’s essential for me/us.
PacMan-
Thanks for your reply and for your insight/encouragement.
We've tried scheduling sex several times through counseling and something always disrupts the schedule, the IOU's come and go. I've tried introducing some sex toys, mutual masturbation, etc. Much of her belief in sex is derived from growing up in Southern Baptist churches. She was always taught that sex is wrong, sex is bad. It has carried with her into marriage unfortunately and a mentality that is very hard to break.
Sorry to bust your balls, but dude this doesn’t cut the mustard. Your counselor(s) and I am advising you guys to schedule sex, but because you guys can’t keep that “appointment” then you chalk it up to “we tried that”? Man, if you aren’t willing to work on keeping a reliable sex schedule (and it DOES take work and prioritization), I don’t know if things will turn around. If you had a weekly meeting scheduled with your PASTOR, would you or your wife consistently miss that or let other things take priority? Probably not. But if you did, what would happen next? You wouldn’t just say, “I tried meeting with my pastor, it’s not working out.” No, you’d have conversations about WHY you’re having trouble keeping that appointment… and maybe exploring a less crowded time on the calendar. The MAKING the sex appointment is the easy part. For your wife, the KEEPING the sex appoint is way more difficult. Sounds like you guys have only worked in the easy part. I could be wrong. But I speak as someone who has walked this same path. This is not an attack… just straight-talk.
Pac man- It takes two to keep the appointment. I can’t force her to.
It’s not unreasonable to expect sex. The Bible clearly states that we are to fill each other’s sexual needs. This is of course a lot easier said than done for a lot of us. My wife and I listen to a podcast called “Sexy Marriage Radio.” It’s a married Christian couple. They talk about sex from the perspective of one of them being high desire and one being low desire. It’s a great listen and I would recommend maybe listening to a couple episodes with your wife.
As far as “lusting” after your wife goes, I don’t believe such a thing exists. At least not in the negative term you’re thinking of it. Once you’ve made that marriage covenant with your wife and God, you are absolutely allowed to have all those sexual feelings and energy directed towards your wife. Lust involves desiring something that doesn’t belong to you. God wants you to have all those feelings and desires for her. That’s how he designed sex.
"Lust involves desiring something that doesn’t belong to you."
I totally disagree and in my opinion the Bible disagrees as Lust is often a positive description.
I certainly hope every husband has lust for his wife. Lust is simply desire. Mid-century clergy trying to make everything sexual bad put a negative spin on lust.
I apologize. I don’t think I explained my point very well. I meant to say that lust doesn’t exist in the negative way that Lonely Guy was asking in his post. I may have strayed from my initial point a bit in my explanation.
Thanks for your perspective on this. I have felt guilty for 10+ years masturbating thinking of my wife. I didn't tell her for the longest time out of fear of her thinking less of me. I told her only a year or so ago, because I was tired of hiding it and in hopes that she might help me out a little. Someone suggested to me on here a while back to order a fleshlight (or something along those lines) and tell her that I'm going to have sex with this in the bathroom. I haven't had the nerve yet to do that.
The biggest thing for me is not the release of having sex or the frequency. I don't want her to just lay there 2X a week. I want her to want me, however often that may be. I want to feel the intimacy and closeness. For me, I want to devour every inch of her and I'd love for her to want to do the same. I think the church has failed miserably in teaching people about the importance of sex. Why would anyone want to get married based on what they hear in church. All they talk about now is that porn is bad, lust is bad. They never talk about the beauty of sex within a marriage. It's like the worst marketing campaign ever for marriage.
Because of issues in my life I have sought support often over the years. Sat with many people discussing these issues in church groups. When I first started reading MH, I thought what is wrong with me. Let me tell you that your situation, like my first marriage, is far more typical. Horny wives that want sex three times a day, crave to suck their husbands cock, take it in their ass and have multiple explosive orgasms every time they are touched exist only in erotic literature. Sadly the majority of marriages suffer from unequal sex drives. Yours is more drastic than many. Solving your issues needs to start with knowing her side of the issues. Her reaction to counseling. Was she ever different? Even if you waited until marriage, did she enjoy hugs and being close then?
I hope someone has better and more helpful advice. But if she has been like this from day one, it is very unlikely she will change. Masturbating to your fantasies maybe your only relief.
Marge, while I don't want to imply that we are the majority, there are some women who do crave all those things you listed. This young man just didn't marry one of us. But that doesn't mean he can't have a great sex life with his wife.
This may be one of the drawbacks of a reluctance among Christians to talk about sex. People need to have their expectations clear *before* marriage. Yes, life gets in the way, hormones change, and we all struggle with ups and downs emotionally and relationally. But sex is a basic expectation of marriage. And knowing that one of you expects it twice a week and the other thinks it should only happen when you want a baby… well, that should be ironed out before the "I do"s.
But that's in the past. The question is, now, how do the two of you work together to help her desire sex.
Is she a giving person? Can she be helped to see that giving you her desire is a way to show you love?
For me, the key was learning that *I* was desired, not *sex* was desired and I was the "legal option." That and finding our he needed to *feel* desired by me. But surely these things came out in your counselling?
When you are touching her and she asks if you are just wanting sex, respond that you are just wanting physical connection *with her*. Do it more, and tell her the things about her that turn you on. "You have such a sexy smile. I can't help wanting to kiss these lips." "Your skin is so soft. I love how it feels under my fingertips." "This curve right here is my favorite place on your body." "I love how we fit together so perfectly," (as you hug her tight and mold her body against yours.) See if hearing how sexy -specifically- you find her makes her feel more sexy. Without the implication that she owes you sex or that you "need sex" rather than need *her*, it may open her up to the good feelings that come from being desired.
And maybe she will start to tell you some of the things she appreciates about you!
When you do have sex, be sure to cuddle after. Talk about how close to her you feel, how loved you feel. Look in her eyes tell her how much you love her. Hug her tight like you will never let her go and murmur, "My wife."
I know, it sounds like a mushy romance novel. There is a reason we read those, you guys!
The fact that you are committed to your marriage, no matter what, is encouraging. She might want to know that you are committed to *her* and to figuring out what will bring the two of you even more close, create greater unity. Sex is a part of that puzzle, and you both need it, even if she hasn't realized that she does or what she needs from it.
CrazyHappyLoved I don’t deny that some women enjoy doing those things. Just that they are more likely to write about their sex life. And erotica, like most entertainment, has exaggeration. No, he isn’t married to anyone here, but he may assume all women are like those that write stories here. I bet millions of husbands wish they were.
Thanks for making the point about covering sex topics before marriage. It’s a topic I hesitate to cover because some of my opinions are not welcome here. Not talking about sex may have been good enough for our parents marriage but we shouldn’t assume it will work for us.
But even if they had agreed before they had sex, they likely won’t 10 years later.
Marriage is about giving of yourself and compromise to make sure your spouse is happy. When it doesn’t happen, marriages either fail or one partner lives an unhappy life. That sadly represents the majority of marriages.
I apologize if you thought I questioned anything you have written. It wasn’t my intent.
CHL, I'm so glad someone said what I was thinking! "People need to have their expectations clear *before* marriage… that should be ironed out before the 'I do's." This is so true! Yes, you cannot prepare for every possible circumstance and situation, and you can't foresee many things that might affect your lives together. But when it comes to some of the most common and avoidable problems in marriage, they should be thoroughly discussed to reveal potential red flags. This is a LIFE-LONG COMMITMENT you're making, and you need to treat it with that kind of seriousness and be as sure as possible that you're making the right choice!
Now that they're married, the only option is to press forward. I'm by no means saying the marriage was a mistake, just that better preparation could have been done, better expectations could have been set, and solutions could have been searched for and implemented earlier. As a young unmarried person, this kind of preparation especially resonates with me! I pray others in my age group take note!
Crazy Happy Loved-
"Should have been ironed out before the I-do's," is somewhat of an insulting statement as if I/we did something wrong.
We did talk about sex before marriage. A lot. We talked about it together and in our pre-marital counseling. But two people who haven't had sex-there's no way to know if you like sex prior to having it. We would ask each other questions: "how do you feel about oral sex?" We couldn't answer those because we hadn't tried them before. Impossible to know prior to marriage.
I am so sorry! I only meant that this is a widespread problem because we as the Church don't make sex the normal topic of teaching and encourage discussions of the rights and wrongs. Instead, as you say, we make marriage (and Christianity!) seem very unappealing to those with a healthy sexual appetite. I didn't mean to insult you but I see now how that came across. Please accept my apology.
I see the problem with discussing these issues with no experience. The only input you could have had at that point would be either that of the culture or that of your Church. Of course, if her Southern Baptist upbringing led her to believe all sex was bad, I wonder if in these pre-marriage discussions that didn't come up. But as I said, that doesn't really matter in the here and now.
I have been in a place where I thought anything but plain vanilla sex was wrong. (This was after leaving a swinging lifestyle and turning back to the Lord.) And it took me longer to get into it than it did for him to finish, so of course, it felt like it was all for him, which made it seem like a chore, an expectation, a burden. (I am ashamed to admit lying there thinking, "Just come already.") It was my husband expressing his sincere need to feel desired in order to feel loved that made me try to be more responsive, even initiate sex. With us discussing what the Bible actually says about sex between a husband and wife (and what it doesn't say but others have inferred), along with time and patience, I was able to branch out without feeling guilty. But baby steps were needed.
The simple answer to your question is, "No, there is nothing wrong with you." I hope my other suggestions might be helpful in some way to help her equate love with desire. I'm sorry for the offense.
LG, I hope you weren't also insulted by my enthusiastic support of CHL! Of course, I believe you're absolutely right that you can't expect to learn everything about each other. I think that's all the more reason for people to learn what they can, to minimize the areas where an unknown, destructive attitude or belief could pop up.
My view is that before marriage, potential spouses should focus on discussing attitudes and principles more than specifics (though there's certainly a place for specifics). You can never cover every detail, but by understanding their attitudes better, you can know generally how they might handle certain things.
For that reason, I would contend that questions about sex actually can be answered before trying it, though obviously not in full. You're exactly right that, for those of us who are abstinent before marriage, we can't say for sure if we'll actually like sex, because we haven't done it. However, through reading, learning and self-exploration, we can get a fairly good idea whether we like sexuality as a whole, and even learn some specific things that turn us on or off. There may end up being things we thought we'd like that just don't do it for us, but we should be able to get a general idea.
With all that said, it sounds like you were diligent about doing what you could in pre-marital discussion. Some attitudes or beliefs are buried deep enough that they aren't revealed until you know the person a lot better, so it's not necessarily your fault. (It may not even be hers, if those beliefs were/are mainly subconscious.) But keep up hope! Know that somehow, God makes even this work for your affirmative good, and if you persist in faith, you'll reap a harvest in due time.
I feel your pain and the sense of loss you must be carrying. I have been there myself.
Every problem requires at least a somewhat unique solution, and I can’t offer advice without first issuing that disclaimer. All women are unique, but I believe a marathon mindset (as opposed to a sprint) is required, and a commitment to being truthful with her about your pain, the truth of the beauty, the majesty, of God’s gift of sexual pleasure, whether single or married, and of glorious sexual union in marriage.
There’s nothing wrong with you, you don’t need to carry any guilt over this, and taking the headship role, the protectors role in your marriage includes being up front with her regarding how damaging a sexless existence in a marriage can be.
You can’t make her respond the way you want, but the truth, the reality, gives you your best chance.
I relate very much to this as well. And it is unlikely that I can offer any suggestions that you haven't already tried. It is good to hear that you have at least attempted to work together on this. There is likely something very deep in her past that has affected her view of sex, and even if you can identify it, it is unlikely to change easily.
The one thing that isn't clear from your post is how your wife feels about your frustration. Does she ever validate it? Does she say that she wishes she could be more sexual to make you happier? Or does she make it entirely your problem? My situation is not the same but it is close enough, and the one thing that keeps me going is when my wife says she wishes she could meet my needs more. I hope that you receive at least some affirmation that way.
AdamW-
Her response to my frustration is that I should just get over it. Her love language is acts of service and she has told me that I need to be more like her, which I find to be ridiculous and defeating.
I understand. I get that reaction most of the time as well ("you're the one with the problem; maybe you should get some help"), along with the "this is my love language; deal with it" – almost word for word. But occasionally she does say things that validate my feelings; I am sorry that's not the case for you.
I read your other comments to other posts including how the church only talks negatively about sex. I agree and I think that is a huge issue for my wife as it is for yours. My own experience growing up in the church was a little different though. I certainly heard lots about the bad things about sex. But I also remember a very clear message that it was all good…in marriage.
So that really shaped me to see sex as all about self-discipline that would be rewarded; I just had to restrain myself until marriage and then my bride and I would be rewarded with great regular sex – it was so simple and God's plan. That expectation drove me and disciplined both of us all the way to our wedding night.
But as you said to CrazyHappyLoved, it's all theory until then – in fact, young Christians are way less equipped to discuss sexual expectations before marriage BECAUSE we don't have any experience to draw from. It was a crushing disappointment to realize over the course of our initial years that no matter what the theory and what we had said to each other in pre-marital counseling, the reality was that we had very different thoughts, reactions and needs to actual sex. And we still do despite many years of counseling and effort.
I could go on and on but I will just close by saying that I think there are many many Christian marriages like this but it is almost impossible to talk about. Just know that you aren't alone.
AdamW, I had a thought about your point that "young Christians are way less equipped to discuss sexual expectations before marriage BECAUSE we don't have any experience to draw from." I think this is exactly on point, and I think it's also why sites like MarriageHeat are so VITALLY important!
As a currently unmarried Christian young man, going into my future marriage, I feel SO, SO, SO much more confident in my understanding of sex and of my own expectations because of the shining examples I've seen put forth here on MH! Experienced community members have been wise enough to make sure I know not all marriages are the same, and what's written about in stories is often the best of the best, so I can make a certain downward adjustment in my expectations for what sex will normally be like. But at least I have a starting point! As you said, many young Christians have either no starting point at all, or a corrupt one from stumbling across porn. That would have been me if I'd continued in that and not found MH, which is the best replacement I can imagine, because it didn't just help me do away with the corrupting influence of porn, but gave me a godly, loving and positive influence!
So many Christians are quick to lump erotica in with porn, but when it's of the kind MH presents, I think it's not just acceptable, but necessary! We young Christians NEED the graphic detail of what sex is really like. We NEED experienced Christians to teach us about many things, sex included! I think there's an implication of this in Titus 3:3-4 where it says "(3) Older women likewise… are to teach what is good, (4) and so train the young women to love their husbands well…" (ESV). This obviously applies for men loving their wives well too, and sex is part of that! God made it and called it "very good," so we have no excuse to bottle it up, keep it hidden and make everyone figure it out for themselves. And we need to teach them BEFORE they decide to pursue marriage! You don't pursue a career and sign a life-long contract to work as a heavy machinery operator before you even learn the first thing about it; you'd either hurt someone or not get any work done! You should get the training BEFORE you're expected to start performing. So why are we so shy about teaching and training when it comes to sex?
I hope this isn't too long and off-topic. Maybe it would be better as a separate post. Thanks for inspiring me AdamW! 🙂
PatientPassion, thanks for saying so, and thanks for your enthusiastic posts on this. I applaud your positive outlook.
But, as is often said, sex is 90% emotional (at least, good, meaningful, sex.). Learning the mechanics and the graphic detail doesn't really equip you for the emotional part. There's really no way to fully know what you're getting into…until you're there. And that's what this guy is talking about.
I definitely recognize that the emotional component is much more complicated, and more important, than the physical component, and I thank you for that reminder! Still, I think descriptions of a sexual relationship from healthy couples can also help us singles understand what a good emotional connection looks like, which can help us prepare ourselves for that too.
Of course, there is no way to fully know, as you said, which is why it's so important for both potential spouses to have a strong and thriving relationship with Christ, so that we are willing and able to show generous amounts of grace, love and service as we learn how to build a new, married life together.
This is so hard, I'm sad just hearing about it. Masturbation is God's gift, use it often, well, and without guilt of shame as you dream of your wife. If it were sin, God would have mentioned it in the Bible, but he did not – anywhere. Don't condemn what God does not, but ask Him to sanctify it as an act of worship so you will not lust in the wrong way. No matter what the issues are, and you seem to have discounted all the obvious ones, a wife has an obligation from God to be sexual with her husband, as does the husband with his wife. There is no leeway, no asterisk, nothing. 1Cor 7 is clear. For any of us, but especially for men, this is rejection as the deepest level. It sounds like you've already felt that when you said about oral sex that you disgust her. Whatever her problems are, they can be solved if she is willing. I hope you can find a way into her heart. She is shutting you out, and that is not right. The lack of sex is a symptom, not the root issue. If she is not, you will have to pray and look for help in deciding if she has already broken the marriage covenant. I had to decide with my first wife. After 33 years of marriage it was clear she had emotionally divorced me years ago. She admitted this later, and it made our dead sexual life and emotional non-life understandable. It is this serious, and maybe you need to settle in your heart that this is an option and bring this to her to show his serious it is, and what may come of it. I am not suggesting you divorce her, but that you be open to God in this. A great book for help on this is "Remarriage and God's Renewing Grace, A Positive Biblical Ethic For Divorced Christians," by Dwight Hervey Small. He talks about what the marital covenant is and how it is broken, and what our choices are then. I hope you can find peace and hope.
Lonely Guy,
No, there is nothing wrong with you. I too, for a period of the first 8-10 years of our marriage had some of the same issues. I figured I grossed her out and didn't want to have sex with me. She could never give me a good reason as to why. She knew that the Bible says it shouldn't be denied me, and that I expressed on multiple occasions how desperate and how much it made me feel needed and loved, all to no avail. I detailed some of this in a story here, and how God gave me hope in the midst of it. https://marriageheat.com/2019/04/02/gods-miracle-of-hope/
Of course, that is my story, and will not be the same as yours. I pray you can find your own "solution" that honors both your spouse, God, and yourself. As well as praying that she will, in some form or fashion, experience the truth that sex isn't dirty, It is the perversion of sex, that is dirty. And marital sex isn't a perversion or dirty, but holy and clean. As a matter of fact, I think one of the breakthrough moments in our marriage on this topic, is when she realized and believed that sex is the sacrament of marriage. Yes, to be reserved for marriage, where such an intimate bond is created, but also to be deemed as that holy by God. I hope your wife will have the same breakthrough, to really believe that and all that entails.
Darlin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Marriage is and always will be "a work in progress " even for those of use who have been married for a long period of time. ? Stay Horny always my friend!
A beautiful and very bright woman from India gave me words of wisdom from her heritage. She said if the first time you have sex with your husband you put a bead into a large vase, then continue every time for the first year of your marriage. Then starting the second year take one bead out for every sexual encounter you will never have an empty vase. Maybe not completely accurate. Maybe more accurate in the past. But certainly some truth to it. Sex once or twice a month becomes plenty for many women. Especially after having kids.
My heart and my prayers go out to you and your wife.
I do have many thoughts on this ("Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." Luke 6:45), some of which I think I mentioned in a comment on one of your previous posts. But my main suggestion would be this: see a trained, licensed counselor or psychologist, even if you have to go alone. They should be able to give you more specific advice on how to deal with a seemingly gridlocked situation like this. Your marriage is absolutely worth whatever extra time, money and effort it will take.
You mentioned you've been to counseling before, but it sounds like it's still a good idea to do. I'm no expert, but if she can't even open her eyes during sex, that sounds to me like an actual psychological block. Maybe a psychologist with a Christian and sex-positive perspective would be a good fit, though that may be a tall order to find. Maybe you'll have to find those qualifications separately in 2-3 different professionals between a psychologist, counselor and pastor. Even if it's expensive, it's worth it for your marriage. She needs to know that this kind of behavior is not normal or healthy, for you OR for her! But the professionals and/or ministers should be the people to tell her that, not you.
Even if there's no underlying medical issue or past trauma, she clearly has some toxic ideas or beliefs about sex. But I believe humans can learn just about anything, including how to train themselves to have vastly different reactions to things by recognizing and controlling their thought patterns, instead of allowing their thought patterns to control them. A psychologist especially should be able to help with this. She does have to be willing to at least go to the appointments though. Keep unconditionally giving your best and growing to be better for her. At some point something will tacitly prompt her to reciprocate and put effort into growing for you.
There are a few resources you might want to look into. First is a podcast episode that came out yesterday, perhaps providentially, from Sex Chat For Christian Wives on the topic of sexless marriages. The podcast is directly mainly at wives, but they have many husbands listening too. It would be good for her to hear from other Christian wives that sexlessness isn't normal, and may help her to understand her own lack of desire, but you have to be careful how you present it to her. Again, a professional's guidance may be good to prevent her from perceiving it as an attack.
Two more resources touch on the area of behavioral and thought retraining. The book "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Daniel Amen has some neat information on this topic, especially about "ANTs" or "Automatic Negative Thoughts." Clinical psychologist and professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson has described something called "cognitive behavioral therapy" that's used to desensitize people from phobias, but I think it could apply to your wife too. (Look up "Behavior Therapy Step by Step – Prof. Jordan Peterson" on YouTube.)
You mentioned her Southern Baptist upbringing probably influenced her to believe sex is generally bad. Does she at least recognize that that belief is unbiblical? Even if it's very deeply ingrained, progress can be made over time if she's willing to recognize that it's wrong. It makes sense to me that this problem isn't being solved by addressing symptoms. If the root is a wrong belief, treating the symptoms will have surface-level and temporary results at best, which sounds like what you're describing. Beliefs like that sound like they could certainly cause the behavior in her that you're describing. Something like this needs to be addressed at the root. How to go about that, I'm not sure, since it sounds like you've tried many things. But I think there's much more hope if she's able to recognize a false belief. Biblically, it's pretty easy to demonstrate that both the belief and behavior are wrong, but for her to admit that, she needs to feel utterly safe with you, and trust that you won't push her to change faster than she's able. It's a very humbling and vulnerable thing to admit to a wrong belief she's held for decades, so she needs to know you will come alongside her, support her, and not hold it against her.
People want to do what they believe is right. Likely, she avoids admitting any need for change in herself because that would necessarily that mean she has been wrong–according to HER OWN new standards–for decades. This is why it's so critical that she feels emotionally safe with you, because otherwise her instinctive, subconscious, reflexive and involuntary psychological self-defense mechanism will kick in and not allow her to lower her defenses enough to make any change. She probably doesn't recognize this consciously, and I think very few people do. Does this seem like a reasonable explanation of what's been going on?
Again with the guidance of professionals, maybe try to get her to understand it's not her fault that she's wrong; that she was wrongly set up with false beliefs, but now it's her responsibility to make them right and in line with God's word. Even when her beliefs change for the better, there will probably still be lingering effects of seeing sex as "gross." She needs to know that even as she reshapes her beliefs and behavior, you won't pressure her to do things she's still not comfortable with just yet. She needs to know you'll support her as she gradually grows, and not push her faster than she's ready for. These false beliefs have left her with very real wounds, and she will need time for them to heal even after they've been treated with biblical truth. It all comes back to her feeling safe enough to change, then having the right catalyst. (I wouldn't do this all yourself. As I said, get professionals involved, even if you go alone to gain some interaction tools and better understand how to work with her. If she protests, tell her you're simply trying to learn how to be a better husband, which is true.)
Finally, a word of encouragement. Galatians 6:9 says "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." Don't give up, brother! We're praying for you!
Wow, I could have written this post. I am in the same situation, but I am the female. We have been married 27 years this month. And after years of being lonely. a friend shared this site and this was the first advice post I read. Wanting to be with my husband. Desiring sex twice a day. I too hear, “you just want sex” when I try to cuddle. It is a frustrating place to live.
I don’t have advice for the original poster. As I am here for answers as well. Just know you have prayer cover.
Crazy Cat-
Thank you for your reply. It’s extremely helpful to know that I’m not alone. Praying for you and your family as well.
For those of you experiencing this tragedy, I weep for you and also for your spouse. To miss out on the very basis of what God wants for each of us leaves us short of the Glory of God's love and complete understanding of what "becoming one" truly means to our Creator and Savior. You are unknown to me, but NOT to God. It is not God's will that you have separate physical and/or spiritual lives. The Holy Spirit can guide ALL of our prayers so that God can see himself in you as ONE!