I have thought about writing this for the past several months, but have never been able to work up the courage required to do it. I don’t know what the block was because if any group in the world would understand my predicament, it’s this one. I have actually seen other singles post here and have been surprised about how supportive you have been of things like masturbation. I am sorry if this a TMI post, but I feel like this is the only place that I can be honest about the full extent of my problems. Please be gentle as this is the most sensitive issue in my life right now.
I am a single mid-20s man who lost his mother at the age of 13 and began to start watching porn as some sort of coping mechanism. I have been helplessly addicted ever since and it has in some ways put me off track in life. I have had several periods where I was porn free and that felt good, but every time the streak gets broken because I start to get anxiety about the future.
For various reasons I am about to get into I am very afraid that I am never going to be able to find my future bride and am afraid that I will never be able to build the sex life that I desire. Reading marriage heat I am amazed at the quality of the sex that most of you have, but I am afraid that even if I do get married, I will be like the majority of couples who end up disappointed in their sex lives.
Adding to my concern is the fact I am now 24 years old and have only ever been on a date to homecoming in high school. There has never been any sort of girl in my life up to this point. I am starting to get nervous that if something doesn’t start to happen. I am finally starting to think about formally dating, but it’s so hard nowadays.
The reasons this has gone so far are several. Porn for many years actually disrupted my drive to do things for myself and improve myself. When you are addicted to porn all you want to do is watch porn and do the quick and dirty masturbation over and over again. The other problem is I am very high functioning autistic Aspergers; like so high you wouldn’t know, but the social difficulties exist.
It doesn’t help that porn has warped my image of women to the point where I prefer the shape of fake boobs to the real thing in most cases. I also strongly prefer that women maintain a high level of fitness and have completely removed their body hair. I know it is gross, but I no longer find myself attracted to the majority of women and I hope quitting porn moves my preferences in a more reasonable direction.
The second part of my fear is that if I meet my future bride, my past and sexuality will drive her off or if we do get married, I will be stuck with a mediocre sex life. For some reason, I lack faith that God will bless me with a wife who will share my sexual desires, drive, and proclivities.
Porn has shaped my sexual desires, but thankfully all the desires I have can be experienced in the biblical confines of Christian marriage. To be honest, my desires include basically anything that can be done intimately and orgasmically; anal, deepthroating, squirting, pegging, etc. I struggle to believe I will ever find a wife who is what Marriage Heat would describe as a Hotwife; Sexual, adventurous, and playful.
I know it sounds like I am just a pervert, but I do have an honest desire to build a highly intimate and sexual marriage where my wife and I can explore all the pleasure God gave our bodies the capacity to experience.
In preparation to be the best lover possible, I have been practicing constructive masturbation practice. I have been practicing stamina and no ejaculatory multiple orgasms since I was 14 and I have actually gotten pretty good at both. I have also gained an encyclopedic knowledge of the anatomy of both sexes and sexual skills. I have been working on other things off like kegals, prostate stimulation, anal play, reducing refractory period, having larger ejaculations, etc. But I have had little success with these endeavors because the devil ends up playing on my insecurities and then I end up doing my quick and dirty porn. Despite the progress, I have made porn has made me insecure about my sexual performance in the future, but I hope quitting porn will help with that. What I would really like to do is kick my porn habit and focus on productive masturbation to be the best lover possible for my wife when the time comes.
I really have two questions.
How can I have faith and rest secure in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and my wife? And trust that when the time comes she and I will be able to develop an intense sex life? I guess I just need some support in this area of my life I cannot get anywhere else.
Are there young single women out there who are also concerned about finding a spouse who will be sexual enough?
I know the opinion of most of the MH members on single masturbation. But do you believe that when a single person masturbates without porn in preparation for their future spouse it is honoring to God?
Men who are now married, did you have any insecurities about your sexual performance before marriage and how did you deal with them?
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