Young Single in Need of Advice and Encouragement

I have thought about writing this for the past several months, but have never been able to work up the courage required to do it. I don’t know what the block was because if any group in the world would understand my predicament, it’s this one. I have actually seen other singles post here and have been surprised about how supportive you have been of things like masturbation. I am sorry if this a TMI post, but I feel like this is the only place that I can be honest about the full extent of my problems. Please be gentle as this is the most sensitive issue in my life right now.

I am a single mid-20s man who lost his mother at the age of 13 and began to start watching porn as some sort of coping mechanism. I have been helplessly addicted ever since and it has in some ways put me off track in life. I have had several periods where I was porn free and that felt good, but every time the streak gets broken because I start to get anxiety about the future.

For various reasons I am about to get into I am very afraid that I am never going to be able to find my future bride and am afraid that I will never be able to build the sex life that I desire. Reading marriage heat I am amazed at the quality of the sex that most of you have, but I am afraid that even if I do get married, I will be like the majority of couples who end up disappointed in their sex lives.

Adding to my concern is the fact I am now 24 years old and have only ever been on a date to homecoming in high school. There has never been any sort of girl in my life up to this point. I am starting to get nervous that if something doesn’t start to happen. I am finally starting to think about formally dating, but it’s so hard nowadays.

The reasons this has gone so far are several. Porn for many years actually disrupted my drive to do things for myself and improve myself. When you are addicted to porn all you want to do is watch porn and do the quick and dirty masturbation over and over again. The other problem is I am very high functioning autistic Aspergers; like so high you wouldn’t know, but the social difficulties exist.

It doesn’t help that porn has warped my image of women to the point where I prefer the shape of fake boobs to the real thing in most cases. I also strongly prefer that women maintain a high level of fitness and have completely removed their body hair. I know it is gross, but I no longer find myself attracted to the majority of women and I hope quitting porn moves my preferences in a more reasonable direction.

The second part of my fear is that if I meet my future bride, my past and sexuality will drive her off or if we do get married, I will be stuck with a mediocre sex life. For some reason, I lack faith that God will bless me with a wife who will share my sexual desires, drive, and proclivities.

Porn has shaped my sexual desires, but thankfully all the desires I have can be experienced in the biblical confines of Christian marriage. To be honest, my desires include basically anything that can be done intimately and orgasmically; anal, deepthroating, squirting, pegging, etc. I struggle to believe I will ever find a wife who is what Marriage Heat would describe as a Hotwife; Sexual, adventurous, and playful.

I know it sounds like I am just a pervert, but I do have an honest desire to build a highly intimate and sexual marriage where my wife and I can explore all the pleasure God gave our bodies the capacity to experience.

In preparation to be the best lover possible, I have been practicing constructive masturbation practice. I have been practicing stamina and no ejaculatory multiple orgasms since I was 14 and I have actually gotten pretty good at both. I have also gained an encyclopedic knowledge of the anatomy of both sexes and sexual skills. I have been working on other things off like kegals, prostate stimulation, anal play, reducing refractory period, having larger ejaculations, etc. But I have had little success with these endeavors because the devil ends up playing on my insecurities and then I end up doing my quick and dirty porn. Despite the progress, I have made porn has made me insecure about my sexual performance in the future, but I hope quitting porn will help with that. What I would really like to do is kick my porn habit and focus on productive masturbation to be the best lover possible for my wife when the time comes.

I really have two questions.

How can I have faith and rest secure in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and my wife? And trust that when the time comes she and I will be able to develop an intense sex life? I guess I just need some support in this area of my life I cannot get anywhere else.

Are there young single women out there who are also concerned about finding a spouse who will be sexual enough?

I know the opinion of most of the MH members on single masturbation. But do you believe that when a single person masturbates without porn in preparation for their future spouse it is honoring to God?

Men who are now married, did you have any insecurities about your sexual performance before marriage and how did you deal with them?

Thank you.

 

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11 replies
  1. Waiting Hardly says:

    Okay I will be brave and make the first comment. This is mostly because I have a 36 year old single son with Asperger Syndrome.
    First things first. Masturbation is never mentioned in the Bible in spite of those who will strive to find a way to imply it. It is such a universal practice that is it conspicuous by its absence. So go ahead and enjoy the body God designed for you to enjoy.
    Next, change the motivation. This is going to sound radical and controversial, but follow me on this.
    1. Schedule designated time for self-induced orgasms. Schedule it rather than having it be impulsive. If the urges come at other times, remember that you can wait because it’s scheduled for later.
    2. Instead of being self focused, have some praise music playing and be giving thanks to God for giving us the gift of sex and reproductive functions. More on this to follow
    3. Rather than always searching for new content and the higher high, have a set of specific material to aid in stimulation of the brain for performing this scheduled act. Or at least set boundaries you will not cross vis a vis type of content (aka no hardcore).
    4. Pray for the Lord to provide you the bride He desires for you by combining the praise and thanksgiving of #3 above with an offering of living seed.

    If you can practice these steps long enough, you can eventually have an experience where the physical high and spiritual high happen simultaneously. That is a powerful experience!

    I’m sure many will find this repulsive or too radical, but this addiction needs radical steps that don’t include fighting against the stimulus reactions God designed into your body!
    Turning a selfish time of lust around into a time of prayer and offerings to God should also infuriate the devil, so it’s a win-win!

    Bracing for blowback….

  2. Fearless Lunk says:

    Wow there’s a lot here. Yes, I think masturbating as a single can be a very God-honoring activity. Unfortunately my feedback might be a bitter pill. You are an addict, and you need professional help to break the addiction. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, or porn… I wouldn’t want my daughter dating a guy who is an addict. Please DON’T think that having a gf/wife will “fix” your current situation. You stated that you are trying to become a good future husband… but you are only self-managing your porn addiction (and failing). Your future wife will like care 0.1% about the size of your ejaculation… and 99.9% about if you are self-sabotaging your life mentally, physically, and emotionally. Most women will be very understanding and very proud to know you are a “former porn addict.” Keyword “former.” If you really want to become good husband material, get into an addiction recovery group and get “sober.”

  3. still in love says:

    God has a plan for you and a future wife. It may not be clear to you, but it's there. Have faith and pray. You will meet her, it's not a matter of "if" but "when". We have been married for over 40 years. I know nothing of her sexual past, and the only thing she knows about mine is that I had a short, bad previous marriage. It doesn't matter to either of us. We are one body.

  4. carmelsk says:

    You can rest in the knowledge that God has a plan for you. I’m not so sure you can rest in the knowledge that his plan includes a wife.

    24, one date, and not married does not make you odd. It does not make you unique.

    Aspergers: An Asperger friend does have a few social challenges, nothing inappropriate, just outside “normal” range. Combined with black hair, a full and black beard, and a black hoodie – well, it’s no wonder a mother stepped between him (about 35) and her teenage daughter to stop the conversation. A group of his male friends witnessed this intervention, knowing full well there was nothing inappropriate going on. We explained it later to the mother. Our friend still has trouble understanding why the mother “got all up in his face” over the incident. Social cues, body language, outward appearance means nothing to him. (At least he ditched the hoodie and wears brighter clothing.)

    Find yourself some friends – men – probably older, at least several who are 50+, who will affirm and guide you. If this circle of friends includes several wives, that’s a bonus.

    “In preparation to be the best lover possible,” Do not bring up the material in the remainder of that paragraph with this group of friends, at least for six months. Way TMI, dude. As you develop a relationship with these men, you may discover there’s a bit more to life (and marriage) than these things.

  5. LovingMan says:

    Ok…in my opinion you need to get off the pornography. And this may surprise many of you but I attended SA meetings. That was between marriages.

    SA = “Sexaholics Anonymous.”

    SA adapted the 12 step program of AA and I’m telling you that it works for me. The 12 step program helps people turn to God… and… for ME it did. I gained a new respect for people who overcame ANY kind of addiction or addictive behavior.

    SA & a very good therapist, helped me get more mentally put together and be able to have a successful second marriage. Mental illness runs in my family so I had some strikes against me too. So I believe that you can do it too!

  6. LovingMan says:

    I thought of something else that might help you: When you talked about
    “…winding up like the majority of couples and being disappointed in your sex life when you get married….” I cringed! Satan and the media portray married sex as boring and unfulfilling. If you’ve been reading MH then you know married sex can be absolutely amazing!

    It is true that spouses can have different likes and libido but finding the balance is part of your shared marriage adventure …and married sex it is VERY fulfilling for a lot of us!

    I’ll admit that there are some sexual things I wish my wife would do more often… but…. As I’ve said before – Sex in marriage is like going to your favorite buffet restaurant where the dishes change or rotate in and off the buffet from time to time. So one of your favorite dishes might be missing from on one of your visits. Do you get mad & storm out of the buffet or do you find a new delicious dish for you and your spouse to share? Or do you share a different favorite dish together?

    In marriage you learn to compromise but that doesn’t mean disappointment. It means learning and growing together. It means making sex a matter of prayer too. Often I or we pray before one of our lovemaking sessions and ask that we’ll both have a nice time & be satisfied and happy about the sex! And it works!

    I think that when we concentrate on becoming our best selves that then is when members of the opposite sex may find us attractive!

  7. starlight says:

    So; I would agree with allot of what’s been said above; but I wanted to draw out another aspect you wrote about, being a highly functioning individual with Asperger’s; though not in that category myself, I do have a sensory impairment; and I think sometimes, it can be really hard for us to form equal relationships. People can either be slightly afraid of you or slightly in awe of you, but both are problematic when it comes to honesty and equality! I completely understand your craving a healthy, vibrant and sexual intimate life; there is nothing wrong with that! But rather than focusing on the sex, focus on the interaction; I strongly believe that a good sexual life is born from deep love, good communication and synchronisation. Even if you read some of the stories on MH, the ones that stand out the most are those of couples who have built up to sex, who have years of shared history born out of their love and commitment to one another. Sure, sex is part of that, but it grew as they learned about each other. This might seem obvious, but if good sex is at the forefront of your expectations, even subconsciously, it will cloud your ability to work out who is really right for you when you date. Focus on what you really want from a wife (away from the sex), and if the rest feels right, the intimacy will surely follow! Of course, there is nothing wrong with discussing this stuff before marriage is mentioned; if anything, I’d say it’s essential! But it’s for something much further down the line. As CarmelSK suggested, finding other/older married friends through church or similar can be a great resource for seeing well-functioning marriages in action. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I do hope it gets easier.

  8. Peterpan says:

    I think it is good to speak out on websites like MH, whether you are single or in a relationship. As I am an older male, I had quite some guilt about masturbation and sexuality. You are still young, and I only wanna give you a short bit of advice. Never feel guilty about what you did (watching porn) or having strong sexual desires. For a long time, I felt lots of guilt around sexuality and masturbation. Never ever go that way; keep in mind that a strong sexual desire is not wrong at all. That is my 50 cents worth.

    Let me add this: You started to speak out about this. Maybe 'Songs of the Believers' would be a website a good forum for you. It is a website that is focused on positive sexuality for men and women in a married relationship. As a single male, you are welcome as well. Maybe you would find some encouragement among the Christian people there.

  9. Sassenach47 says:

    I created an account just to answer this and give you reassurance. I'm in my late 20s and a single female. In the Bible, Paul talks about marriage in that there is the gift of celibacy. It's from the Lord and He designed certain people to not even be interested in sex or dating or anything. Some people that label themselves as asexual don't know that God made them that way so that they were able to accomplish the work He would have them do. Seeing as how you are not one of those people, He has a good plan for your life, and it does include a spouse. But He will be working on you and refining you to be in a healthy place where you are ready to take on and nurture a healthy, God-centered relationship.

    Also, as far as the asperger's-autism thing goes, the woman that God has for you, she won't mind. Don't allow the enemy to speak lies to you about having that or about having social difficulties. Whenever I'm doing something difficult for me, I tell myself "I'm just doing this one thing in this one moment; people dumber than me have done it before". I imagine, given your autism, that you are a fair bit more intelligent. So try to downplay the social interactions. Get into a Bible study, focus on taking care of your mentality and body, and practice smiling and making eye contact so that when you finally are attracted to girls, you have the guts to smile and make eye contact and hopefully approach one that you like.

    Lastly, when I masturbate, I don't really think about anything, I just focus on the feeling. I really try to tune in with my body and have it be a spiritual experience as well as a physical one. I often feel the presence of the Lord and this peace. It's nice that I can be so vulnerable with Him.

  10. J. G. says:

    Sorry that I’m late to the game. A lot of good things are included above. I see some major issues here, and you are at a good age to confront them. The one thing that shines through is that you are a very good person. It is easy to forget what a good person lies within for some who struggle with porn use. There is far too little information here for me to feel comfortable providing specific advice. Porn addiction is real but less common than porn as a compulsive behavior, which is what you describe. You also are having troubles forming relationships or even wanting to develop friendships with women, as best I can tell. I have my doubts that these two problems are a result of a porn addiction.

    My advice is simple. Go to your pastor. Speak honestly with her/him. Get the name of a competent psychologist. Do not go to an addiction counselor, but to a good general psychologist, one who can diagnose your issues—which is paramount—and one who is willing to treat pornography as a compulsive disorder. A whole industry has sprung up among the Christian world, dealing with pornography as an addiction, which happens. However, judging from your letter, getting hooked into one of their anti-addiction programs may cause you more harm than good. Don’t let your pastor move you in that direction. Get a solid, Christ-centered psychologist to diagnose accurately what is going on and begin getting you help. I think getting highly qualified professional help will be life-changing. My prayers are with you.

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