Promiscuous Past

Hello, everyone. I have a question.

A male friend of mine, who is in his late-20s/early-30s, recently got his first girlfriend. They have been dating for a couple of years now, and he was considering marriage. The thing is that he confided in our guys’ group that she has had a promiscuous past. He found out at a party they attended with a group of her friends.

As you can well imagine, he was devastated. He thought that this was the girl he was going to marry. He did ask her about it, and she did not deny it. He doesn’t know what to do. The problem isn’t that she had many sexual partners. He has a fear of not being able to satisfy her or that she will get bored and have an affair. Do you have any advice?

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19 replies
  1. Fearless Lunk says:

    This issue seems to be about the guy. He needs to be told now that offering forgiveness and full acceptance is the most satisfying thing she is looking for. HE is already comparing his future self to her past lovers… and that is a recipe for disaster (I’m guessing she has offered no indication that SHE would be comparing… or looking for a “better lover” than her past). This guy needs to get past his idealism before he loses someone that might be his future wife. [P.S. Even the most monogamous devout Christians among us will likely have more than one partner in their lives. Sometimes as a choice, an accident, or a 2nd or 3rd marriage. At some point most of us will need to move on (as this gf has done) and just be in love with the person they are with now.”

  2. LovingMan says:

    This is a good question. Here is the answer: Do you (or does he) believe in the cleansing power of the atonement of Christ? Because He died for all our sins.

    Some of us Christians have committed bigger sins like the sexual ones. But all the rest of us are guilty of various other sins. Jesus suffered and died for all of us. We ALL need Him.

    Repentance is cleansing. Remember in Isaiah it says that though your sins be scarlet they shall be white as snow. So it also comes down to BELIEVING Jesus and His message of change. Christianity is a gospel of being able to change. We SAY we believe in Christ and yet sometimes we fail to BELIEVE Him!

    Yes, staying as free from sin is best, but it seems to me that sadly some people have to experience sinning to realize that they don’t want to live that way. They have to go through remorse etc. as they repent but they can ask the Lord to apply His atonement to them and they can be free of sin.

    If we are true Christians we will not hold someone’s past against them if they have truly repented and changed.

    Being pragmatic I will say that if the person has not changed then it may be best to help them along the path of faith. But they have to want to change and be ready to change. If they are not ready to change then marriage probably won’t make them change.

  3. Gemlin says:

    So I would advise your friend to do a few different things:

    1. He needs to discuss those concerns with her. Not doing so will only allow those thoughts and feelings to fester, which will create more issues.

    2. He needs to decide if he is willing to trust her or not. Without trust, no relationship can thrive. Also, if bad sex is the reason she would want to leave the relationship then she probably wasn’t the right one to begin with. He needs to decide if he is willing to trust and accept where she is now, and where she is going moving forward. Trust begins with words and is established by actions.

    3. He needs to decide if he can live with the fact that she has been sexually active in her past. I know guys who have a hard time getting past that, and some that it doesn’t bother at all. He needs to sort through his own feelings on it.

    4. Tell him to pray. God is the ultimate counselor, especially on things like this. Have him take these things, lay them at God’s feet, and be as honest with Him as he can.

    My wife was promiscuous before we met, while I was a virgin. The way I always looked at it was that she was with me, and not those guys. She chose me, not them. And lemme tell you…I was NOT good at sex when we met, lol. But she showed me I could trust her, and I made the choice to trust her, and I took the leap.

    I hope this helps your friend in some way!

  4. RenewedCouple says:

    The most important question in our minds is this. Does she love the Lord? Does he love her? The fact that she was transparent about her past is healthy. He might be the one who will be the great guy she was always looking for?

    What is God calling him to do? If he hold her past against her, that will harm her and him. Will he gently be the man of her dreams?

    Galatians 6:1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

  5. King Arthur says:

    Good Discussion. He needs to ask "Why am I getting married?" and she need to ask herself "Why" too? Is it because the Lord has brought them together? Is it for sex? Other?

    Read a lot. There are a lot of books and blogs you can read that will help in the decision. Pray.

  6. Sarge says:

    If she has repented and forsaken her past it shouldn’t matter.
    Matthew 8: 21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
    22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

    She has not sinned against your friend it’s she’s put her past behind her, and your friend MUST forgive and forget her past if they enter into marriage.

  7. lion hearted says:

    I was that guy before my wife & I were married. After dating for 2 weeks my then girlfriend knew how much it meant to me to marry a virgin. Its was the hardest thing for her to have to share with me. I was devastated, after confiding in my brother, he said she didn't cheat on you, it was before y'all met. He asked me do you love her, I said yes. We have been married for 35 yrs. Aren't we all broken in one way or another? In Christ we are made new/whole, without Him we are condemned forever. We all have made mistakes, wrong choices, and bad things happen to us. His love washes away All those sins, and as one of His children, I can climb into His lap and feel His loving arms wrapped around me and feel His breath on my neck. In this world there is so much emphasis placed on being perfect there is no way we could ever measure up to the standard. If we used the standard of being without spot/spots how could anyone of us ever hope to be whole. Living in the tree of life brings peace, contentment and Freedom in Him.

  8. SecondMarge says:

    Either he loves her or he doesn’t. Her past only has relevance if she has a child or a disease. It’s foolish to restrict future spouse to virgins. If she loves him, they will learn to satisfy each other. If he is a virgin he is lucky to find a woman that can teach him.

  9. carmelsk says:

    “As you can well imagine, he was devastated. He thought that this was the girl he was going to marry. He did ask her about it, and she did not deny it.” The people of Israel had multiple affairs. Did God abandon them? Same could be said about the church – the bride of Christ. Has He turned his back on his bride? What is the real issue? That she won’t be satisfied with him? Or that he is (already) wondering whether he’s satisfied with her. “He found out at a party they attended with a group of her friends.” What was the motivation of the informant(s)? Their love for him and concern for his well-being? Hopefully. “he confided in our guys’ group.” What was your reaction to the information? The group’s reaction? How well do you or the other guys know this woman? In the end, both parties bring their history to the table. It’s not so much the content of the past as it is the other’s reaction. Is your friend asking, “How do I move on?” Or, is he willing to sit down at the table, and say, “Ok, how do we move on from here?”

  10. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    Please define promiscuous? Did she just have multiple boyfriends she slept with, or did she sleep around with guys she didn't know well? I definitely think your friend finding out at a party from others is awful–she should have told him, especially if waiting is something they wanted to do. That alone raises red flags, but it could also mean she was feeling shame and hid it from him. That said, my wife, Lauren, and I were hardly virgins. She'd had 5 sex partners and I had…well, a lot. We fell in love and commited ourselves to each other and have never looked back. So, I wouldn't jump to conclusions about your friend's fiancee's past and assume she won't be satisified and will stray, especially if she loves him and is committed to him.

  11. WeldersWife says:

    If they love each other and the Lord, then yes. He should forgive her past. However, his concern is understandable and I think he should talk to her. Tell her what he is afraid of and when she responds, truly listen. Because chances are, as afraid as he is that he won’t satisfy her, she is afraid of never being good enough for him. It won’t be an easy conversation but it is necessary

    • SecondMarge says:

      Nothing to forgive. If there was it wouldn’t be him doing the forgiving unless she slept with someone after they were committed to each other. Only God can forgive anything else if he felt it was wrong.

  12. SecondMarge says:

    I too wonder what everyone’s definition of promiscuous looks like? Is just having slept with one boyfriend? I suspect some here would think so? Is it two or more sexual partners? Is it sex with most men she dated for any length of time? Or is it ending up in bed every weekend with guys and/or girls she meets in bars? I consider the first three normal, and typical. I think far more women would suspect a man they meet who is a virgin maybe gay.

  13. cashmoney says:

    Great question. Research has shown that women with promiscuous pasts are less able to "pair-bond" with their current sexual partners, and thus, more likely to cheat in a long-term relationship. A woman's promiscuity inhibits her ability to form a meaningful emotional connection with her current partner, which puts her at a risk for infidelity. I think the question to ask is whether or not she's aware of this. On one level, yes, if she loves the Lord then she is FORGIVEN for her promiscuous past, but on the other hand, is she aware that her ability to pair-bond with her husband has been "impaired" (no pun intended). If she's not aware of this, then I wouldn't marry her. If she is, then I'd urge her to pray for the Lord to restore that ability in her.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      I think it's important also not to confuse research results, which consolidate data and present it mathematically as a measure of increased probability, and an individual's choices. If it's true that there is a higher probability for females with past sexual partners to not "pair-bond" with their spouses (and I'd really love a source to be credited rather than just "research has shown") doesn't mean any individual woman will make that choice or that her ability to remain faithful is impaired. It may simply be that many women who thought they were "in love" when they became sexually active then suffered abandonment have simply lost faith in love and commitment themselves, a sad place to be. But salvation can open our eyes to all sorts of new possibilities, not the least of which is being loved unconditionally and forever.

    • SecondMarge says:

      I don’t buy that “research says “ at all. First we need to see how they built the statistics. How they defined promiscuous. If it’s just having a sexual partner before their husband than it is most certainly baloney. Organizations have been known to set up surveys to attempt to align with their beliefs. This “research” sounds like it might be that type.
      What is ability to pair bond? Extremely religious conservatives are far more likely to stay in unhappy and even sexless marriages thinking until death do us part prevents them from considering divorce. So staying together does not indicate good “pair bonding”. Those deeply religious also maybe more reluctant to admit an unsatisfactory sex life or even know how much better it could be if they married as virgins. If you have only eaten at McDonalds do you really know how good a hamburger can taste?
      If you marry right after high school as was once common, not being “promiscuous” is likely a good decision. If you wait until after college, maybe grad school and establishing a career then still being a virgin is a totally different situation and not only unlikely but not wise.

  14. SecondMarge says:

    Just checked a couple stats to share.

    Aug 28, 2019 — According to the CDC, the average age at which American women first have penis-in-vagina sex is 17.3 years; for men, it's 17.0 years.
    Only three per cent of 14-year-olds have lost their virginity or had oral sex, a study has claimed. In comparison, studies have suggested 30 per cent of those born in the 1980s and 1990s had sex before the age of 16.Jun 20, 2019

    While we don’t have a survey I would wager that at the time of the writing of the Bible over 90% of 14 year olds probably were no longer virgins. Life is very different now in both directions.

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