My Awakening (L)

Hello to all here at MarriageHeat. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head and my heart. My sexual journey has been filled with questions, shame, and fear. I am thankful to have found MH. I never knew married sex could be so good. I have heard from family that sex is not like Hollywood portrays it, hot and heavy. Nope, more like, “get the job done.” Sex is for procreation, and if you don’t want kids, don’t have sex—period.

One family member said that she had been married for almost 40 years and maybe had sex 40-50 times in all. For a long time, her husband was into porn and basically ignored her and her needs. When he finally repented and started paying attention to her, Type 2 diabetes stole his ability to have an erection, so that was that. I had mentioned there was help for that problem, and her response was, “I don’t want to shame him by talking to him about it. And God has taken away my desires for sex. I love him (her husband) anyway.” That’s good, but my heart broke for this woman. She felt like sex was not worth the trouble anymore and just threw in the towel.

This post is very long and complicated.

I have a very high sex drive which has caused me so much pain emotionally, mentally, and physically, to the point that I want my future husband so badly it feels like my insides are being ripped out of me. I am single and, at 37 years old, feel so unwanted, so alone. Desire overwhelms me; I have literally sobbed, crying out to God in shame and fear and frustration. I believed so many lies from the enemy that if I truly loved Jesus, then I wouldn’t want sex, wouldn’t want my husband so badly. Good Christian women don’t want sex, especially good single Christian women. I hated myself, my body, my desires, my womanhood… even thought of hurting myself so that I would not indulge.

Then there are the well-meaning comments from believers and authors: If you touch yourself, that’s from Satan—sex with demons, bondage, a stronghold. You need to be free from that. You need to stay pure. Your body belongs to Jesus, not you. Jesus has set me free; he will set you free. Jesus is enough. He is my bridegroom and will provide for all my needs. Sex is not a need; it’s the lust of the flesh that needs to be starved to death. Its beautiful and good in marriage, but you are not to have desires before then. Don’t think about it; don’t want it; don’t talk about it.

I have been masturbating since I was five years old. As a little girl, I just knew it felt good. My mom caught me and spanked me for it. She told me not to do that and prayed with me to ask for forgiveness. I believed it was an issue of disobeying her. So every time I would touch myself, I would feel bad and try to hide that I did it. I would sneak to the bathroom and wash my hands to get rid of the smell. Sometimes mom caught me and disciplined me after questioning why I was washing my hands just out of the blue.

When I was a teenager, my dad told me that he had gone in my room when I was younger and had smelled… that smell, and it broke his heart that I had to do that. I would feel so guilty after I did it that sometimes I would tell on myself so that I could be spanked and then feel better—until the next time. I grew up feeling like God was mad at me, distant. Like, did I break his heart and hurt Him every time I did it? He died to set me free. I say I love Him, but I didn’t want to stop touching myself. I was emotionally abandoned as a teenager because I was maturing, and getting a hug from my dad was not proper anymore, and God must not love me because I cant stop making myself feel good.

I have struggled for years. I am in therapy now and am breaking free of my past, but I still have a hard time believing that wanting to… well, for lack of a better word, fuck my husband all night long is from God. Enjoying my body is good? Really? Wanting to suck my husband’s dick so good and make him cum is a good thing? Having him lick me down there, feeling the heat of his tongue on my clit… well, you get the idea.

So now for the big question.

I live with my mom and dad, so I have to get very creative about having solo fun. I so badly want to get a fluttering arouser toy that mimics oral sex. I have heard it is awesome and that the orgasms are great. I take medication that makes it hard to orgasm, and I think this would be money well spent for my sexual health. It’s, like, 30 dollars for the toy at the store. I will have to secretly go to the store myself and then hide it when I get home—I don’t dare order anything like that online. I also would love to get a thrusting dildo, but I don’t know about that; it might be like committing adultery against my future husband. I have so many questions, and the enemy is right there: “There are people starving. How many people would that $30.00 feed? Are you going to spend that on yourself? On sexual pleasure? You hypocrite! Sex toys are perverted…” And it goes on and on.

I’m exhausted and worn out. Can I enjoy my sexuality being single? Can I still love Jesus? I’ve read the posts on masturbation on here and they were helpful.

My mom knows I masturbate, and she is not happy about it. She is praying that I would be set free and be pure. She even told me that men like to see women masturbate, and she said, “No, thanks. I’ll wait for my man to touch me.” As for me, I fantasize about my future husband masturbating. I want him to enjoy sex and his body. My big fear is that I will be in a sexless, prim-and-proper, “Godly” marriage when I do finally get married.

Well I could go on and on, but this post is long enough, I think.

Actually, I could sum it up in One word: HELP!

I am so thankful to be here and to have an outlet for my sexuality. I look forward to writing some hot stories in the future. Unfortunately, I could never write them on paper; I’m too afraid of my folks finding them, and they told me “those kinds” of books/stories were bad, which is a whole other post.

I look forward to hearing from the community. Take care, and God bless!

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28 replies
  1. Second Chance says:

    Hi there Heated Lover 🙏🏻

    So glad you posted. I have felt similar feelings that you have felt throughout my life. Respect to you for sharing your heart.

    I’m 33, & single again. I was married in 2012 for a few years but my wife cheated on me, left me in 2015 & divorced me in 2017. I’ve been celibate ever since then. It’s been super difficult. Because I, like you have an extremely high sex drive & desire for sex & intimacy. Especially after engaging in it in marriage & then it stopping pretty much overnight 😞

    As I read your post I felt for you, truly. I saw the struggle, the shame, the guilt, the pain & how it’s been hard.

    But these are the facts. You are a grown woman & have been for a long time. You do not have to live under what your parents or anyone else’s expectations are or what they communicate or believe. With Jesus, you are in control of your life. It is not disobedience or dishonour to anyone how you live your life. That’s the truth.

    Another fact is your sexual desire for sex & intimacy is a gift, that’s the truth it’s 100% right & from God. Intended for pleasure, expression & connection with your spouse.

    You wanting to touch, feel, lick, suck, ride your future husbands cock is not wrong. It’s a glorious, beautiful thing in covenant. Release yourself from guilt & shame from desiring those things & feeling that stir in your heart to experience those things, it’s okay.

    I know it can be so hard, the waiting for a spouse, the crazy horniness, the tension to want to honour Jesus with your whole life, spirit, mind & body yet understanding that we are flawed, broken humans & the culture, the devil & our flesh wants to be in opposition to God & as a result we sin & fall short. It’s hard. So thankful for GRACE 🔥🔥🙌🏻

    I’ve struggled a lot, I wake up most mornings wanting sex so bad I can’t think of anything else. I want my dick stroked & licked, sucked. I want to be so deep inside a woman & be seen & accepted by her in that moment, it’s wild. I miss it, hahaha.

    I’ve made many mistakes since my wife left. I felt so broken, betrayed, rejected, cheated & angry at those times I didn’t care what I did. I wanted to have sex so much in those times, yet I couldn’t & as a result, I fell into porn & masturbation pretty heavy, on & off, which disgusted me because I know it’s a distortion of sex & intimacy. Yet in the moment, it felt like an escape from the pain. It’s no different to any addiction.

    I had conversations with women I shouldn’t have, I sexted, sometimes staying up all night because of the time difference being in different countries, etc. It was horrible. Momentary release to get off & connection that faded almost as quick as the conversations began in reality. The whole time, feeling the weight of my sin, yet I know Jesus is the most important person to me. I hated the guilt, I repented a lot each time I got back up & God pulled me close each time.

    It’s still tricky for me honestly if I don’t submit to God. As a man, I’m called to self-control, self-restraint in those moments of passion I feel outside of marriage.

    But this is the truth: all that stuff—the sexting, the angles, the seeking momentary gratification through porn or masturbation, the compromises—none of that mess is as powerful as the Holy Spirit, your relationship with Jesus & the Bible. My encouragement to you is to continue on in the fight, Sis, pray often & be raw, pray through your fears, frustrations & circumstances; let Him have it all. Tell God how you feel, pursue holiness, righteousness, purity, and seek to know what they are & how to live it out. Please don’t get in a relationship or married just because you want to have sex. All it’ll be is unfulfilling because marriage requires so much more. That’s just my opinion, but take it or leave it.

    You’re a woman, your body is a temple, a glorious meeting place of heaven & earth where the Holy Spirit dwells. Ask the Lord to reveal to you what your purpose is, move towards it, lean into those places, find out what scripture says about living as a Godly woman, develop a life of prayer & submission to Christ over everything.

    Real men need women who are devoted, empowered, faithful & true to Jesus above all; that is the most attractive thing to a man. For real, be a woman of substance, who knows truth, pursues it & is compelled to live in a way that represents that in the world 🙏🏻. That is what truly matters, more than anything, more than anything you could be or do in bed.

    I've got deep respect for you posting this & I pray that God would cover you & enter into these hard spaces of your life & lead you through it. I pray that wisdom & revelation would become so real to you that they can’t be denied 🙏🏻

    I pray the Holy Spirit would lead you into all truth 🙌🏻

    Bless you ✊🏻


    • Second Chance says:

      It was hard but I moved through it 🙌🏻 I hope I can meet another woman soon.

      No worries at all, glad I could encourage you 🙏🏻 As Mama GG always says “Stay Horny”.

  2. Ron33 says:

    Oh my gosh, if I were you, I would try to get away from parents and have my own place. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your sexuality. As long as you don't spend so much time doing it there isn't time left to do other things, it is a good thing! You sound like a nice person and a guy would be glad to have you as a mate. Children should never be spanked or scolded for masturbating, but just taught to do it in private. I am sorry all this has happened to you.

  3. hornyGG says:

    Prayers sent for you sweetheart 🙏 Thanks for sharing! God loves you no matter what and wants us to be happy, emotionally, spiritually and yes sexually. I believe masturbation is a good thing and that God understands your needs. I have a high sex drive as well and masturbate often, even though I am married to a wonderful man who has an equally high sex drive. God bless you and stay horny darlin!

    • Heated Lover says:

      Thank you! I have to admit I have struggled with the idea that being horny is a good thing. The years have taken its toll. May I say GG that I love your stories!

  4. DefiantArtist says:

    My heart goes out to you, and I hope you do find all you desire in a husband. I was curious though…why do you still live with your parents? I don't mean to be nosy, but it seems like having your own place would help you gain the emotional confidence and security to enjoy the gifts God has already given you.

    Also, don't feel bad for spending a little money on yourself; the Bible says that it is good for a man to enjoy the fruits of his labor, and I would say the same goes for a woman too. It's your money, enjoy it!

    • Heated Lover says:

      Hi defiant artist. Finances do not allow me to move out on my own. I babysit my 3 year old niece with my mom full time and work part-time. I am also fighting a battle with mental illness, depression and anxiety. It's a good life for the most part……is hard though because I want to be more independent. Thank you for your response.

  5. King Arthur says:

    Good discussion. I masturbate regularly even though I have been married 42 years. I used to have shame and guilt like you. Finally, after reading on here and SOTB, I embraced masturbation. It has been a great relief. My wife has a very low sex drive and mine is very high.

    Talk about this with your future husband, when the time comes for you. It is important.

  6. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    You’re a grown woman and you deserve better than toxic influences in your life. Your parents are obviously toxic to your wellbeing and I hope you will get some space between you and them. Sexual desire for someone of the opposite sex isn’t something to feel ashamed of—it’s normal and it makes you human. Just reading your story I got so upset because you deserve much better. Be free. Set yourself free from them and their oppressive shame-mongering.

    • Heated Lover says:

      Hi! Thank you for your comment. I believe I may have focused too much on the negative aspect of my relationship with my parents. While we dont see eye to eye on matters of sexual expression, I am blessed to have them for my mom and dad. They have been extremely supporting, loving and caring as I have struggled with my mental illness diagnosis and hospitalizations. They gave me a firm Foundation and introduced me to Jesus– the greatest gift ever! They love Jesus. My relationship with my dad is improving and my mom is my best friend. I am learning to establish time and space for me and healthy boundaries for myself as I navigate through the adult child/parent relationship. I am truly blessed. Thank you for your concern. It has not been an easy road, but I do not walk it alone.

  7. SingleDreamer says:

    Hey! I am so glad that you have found MarriageHeat! I have experienced a similar situation before. I would cry, wait for “redemption” at church, feel embarrassment, feel like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it, was shamed for it, the list goes on. Then I did a ton of research for years, found this site, studied more of the Song of Solomon, and now I’m at the point of freedom! It was right there in front of me but it’s like the enemy had covered my eyes. I am so sorry that your mother sees it that way and treated you that way. That just breaks my heart. I’m so happy you are in therapy and healing and finally experiencing that sexual awakening! It’s a learning experience! A wonderful journey. God gave us all beautiful bodies. He gave us our clitoris for pleasure. It serves no other purpose. That speaks volumes to me. He cares about us, our well-being and wants us to discover the joys of our sexuality. He created it, and everything He created is good. Your desires are good! Last year I bought my first toy and love it! I highly recommend experimenting with toys! I want the thrusting dildo too! There’s a lot to choose from🙌🏻 Also, you should join the Song of Believers so we can chat!

  8. armouroflight2323 says:

    yes you could go to a sex toy shop and buy one that way or you could have a trusted friend order it for you and have it sent to their house if you have one that you can trust with these things and is open to such things or you could set up a p.o. box and have it sent there. Allow God to bring the glorious Divine Liberty to your sexuality and the reason God doesn't take these urges away is that I believe God wants us to learn to steward them. Ask God to heal the shame issues, I actually believe shame is a root to most sexual dysfunctions. When the shame is healed the sexuality thrives, and I believe that the Lord will provide a spouse for you as well. Start seeking Heavenly Father's Heart because it is every father's good wish for their daughter to have a good husband! You can also connect with God during your sessions and ask the Spirit to preside over them.

  9. Fearless Lunk says:

    I’ll address one thing you said… NO FORM of masturbation, including a thrusting dildo, is “committing adultery against your future husband.” If I was dating again, I would be 100% delighted to find a woman who was in touch with her own sexuality and felt unreserved in her alone time! Enjoy your body! And toys! [Also never feel ashamed investing money in your mental and/or sexual health!]

  10. kdm1984 says:

    We are the same age, and I'm also a woman with a high drive. I'm so sorry to hear of all the disapproval from your family. My own family thankfully never shamed for having a high sex drive…they didn't really teach me much at all about sexual matters, honestly, but as I've grown older and have seen trauma from people raised in authoritarian households, I'm thankful at least that I never had to endure that.

    I also hope you're able to find a husband. I'm happily married, although husband isn't a believer. My parents were fine with that because they believed he'd be saved eventually, but occasionally other believers in the church have expressed concern over that, with discussions on how passages like 2 Cor. 6:14, 1 Cor. 7, and 1 Peter 3 should be interpreted.

    Anyway, I do hope you're able to find someone who won't shame you over things that are completely acceptable and actually desirable in the marriage context. I'm sad it's taken so long, but there's still time 🙂

  11. Bona says:

    I can totally relate with you HL, as I am single man myself. Thank God for preparing an outlet(MH) for those of us who are still looking. Even though we are single we can still partake in heating married sex while looking forward to our future spouses. Thanks so much for sharing, looking forward to your self-fucking stories (for lack of better word, lol). God bless MH.

    • Loving Guy says:

      As another single guy myself, I agree with you're thoughts! I have some time on my hands so I going to occupy it reading and looking at some MH stories and photos. I follow that with great self-fucking (lol)!

  12. Peterpan says:

    First of all, thanks for sharing this story. I wish I could have had conversations with you as a male. It all sounds so familiar, even though as male! I hope you are okay with your situation now? Prayers are with you!

  13. Peterpan says:

    I can relate to lots of things you are saying. It's a shame that guilt and wrong feelings about sexuality are still ruling your way of thinking. I posted a story called “What a Relief”. Maybe you should read that. I felt so relieved telling my story here; I hope you can find some consolation here.

  14. joe2022 says:

    There was a smart man who once said there is a time and place for most things. Masturbating certainly is one of those things. I have two young children, and I pray I will never catch them masturbating. Your parents should not have spanked you for masturbating. But then, it was a different time and a different way. Sex is a powerful thing for people of any age. I would encourage parents to preoccupy their young ones' time with activities and academic pursuits, and minimize their down time.

  15. firefly says:

    After having three daughters and a son, I understand parents wanting to keep you safe, protected, and fearing God. On the other hand, I always thought that sexual knowledge needed to come from my wife and I, not the world. When my kids would ask a sexual question, I answered the question without elaboration, unless they asked for more. I did not want them to be over exposed at a young age, yet not be ignorant of life. We encourage our young people to study the scriptures, memorize it, take it to heart, but as Christian parents, avoid questions like: What did Amnon do to Tamar? Why did Samson have to have "that" girl? What did David kill Uriah for? What does it mean when the bible says not laying with animal kind as with woman kind? Events in the bible can be a sexual explicit thought process. When we leave sex education up to their friends, worldly authors, teachers, etc… I think we do them harm. We had animals, my kids learned a lot from those animals. My son one day commented while seeing dogs mate, is that what humans do also? I swallowed hard and said, "Yes, they just got married." He smiled and went on his merry way.
    We were strict with my kids. My girls weren't allowed to expose themselves to my son, or visa versa. But when asked, I explained. This is the way God made us. Sex was natural and part of nature, we taught in that way.
    Then as my girls got older and began masturbating with the shower head, they told me (and were scared to do so, don't know why), but I told them it was quite normal to have those feelings and enjoy themselves, just keep it private. They all grew up knowing masturbating was not sinful and if they needed too, go for it.

    My heart went out to you as I read your thoughts. God gives freedom and liberty and we have to practice self control. Freedom to masturbate, but like I told my kids, not to be excessive.
    I was also going to suggest moving out and getting your own place, but you explained that. You should have some privacy, we all need that, even when married.

    • SecondMarge says:

      What age did you believe was too young?

      You did not really say the dogs just got married did you?

  16. RockyGapMan says:

    Good discussion here. I’ll add my “two cents.”

    First of all, I applaud you for your courage & vulnerability in sharing this all too common struggle. Individuals, men AND women, (especially in Christiandom) harboring guilt and shame over enjoying something beautiful God meant for them to cherish and enjoy as a gift from Him.

    That being said, I also believe in this area (masturbation) as in all areas of life it’s important to strike a balance. And that balance can best be achieved by seeking the same Giver of that gift (God via His Holy Spirit) for direction.

    By seeking His Lordship & guidance in this area of your life you’ll be doing two things.

    #1) You’ll be inviting Him right into the experience with you. No place for guilt/shame as you’re not “hiding” it from Him. (You can’t really “hide” anything from Him anyway 🤣). And you can actually praise Him for being there with you and giving you such a wonderful experience. Continue this mindset once you’re married! God’s right there with you – right in the middle of your orgasm with your spouse!

    #2) TOO MUCH of ANYTHING can be problematic. Food is good! But even too much food can lead to health problems. Balance & good food choices are key. Ask God for the right “balance.”

    The key here in seeking the right balance is ridding ourselves of any guilt/shame over our bodies and the practice of masturbation while simultaneously seeking what God wants for this area of our life. And that can (probably does) and will look different for each of us.

    It’s important to ask ourselves important questions though when we feel driven toward seeking comfort in any particular thing (besides God). Why do we feel driven/pulled towards it? What need is it fulfilling? Is it something we’re able to control and thank God for? Or does it have control of us?

    Learning the answers to these questions with God’s guidance in prayer will help us “get a grip” 😉 on these issues and help us better navigate them.

  17. LovelyLonelyLady says:

    Thank you for posting this! I'm a young lady who is also single and has a similar story (which will be posted soon). I live at home and am uncertain about confiding in my parents concerning masturbation and things like that (since I'm really shy and nervous bringing up such topics), but I am praying for the Lord's wisdom. As far as I know, they are not aware that I do it, since we are all very private about things of that nature. By His grace, I have no more guilt about masturbating. I am convinced that it's an outlet God gives us unmarried folks for our sexual desire while we wait. I have dealt with depression and anxiety, so I can empathize with your struggle. Keep praying, dear sister, and follow the Lord's plan for you hour by hour. I will pray you meet the man He has handpicked for you, just as I pray that for myself. And most of all, I pray that we will love Him more than anyone or anything in this world.

  18. naturalman says:

    After your post on high desire, I found this one and felt compelled to respond to it. Your parents and mine seem very similar. Great foundation – but definite legalistic "blocks" in their thinking about sexuality.

    I feel the same pain. Every day – I’ve had relationships where I’ve tried to open up about that side of me, and felt very put down or misunderstood about it. I think often, Christian women want to be “good” and misinterpret or aren’t properly taught about the beauty of their bodies and sexuality. And men who may have a strong drive aren’t always taught to handle it maturely, or how to be a gentleman about it. Leaving both parties frustrated and creating a lot of challenges in marriage. Unequally yoked in a sense.

    I also struggle with anxiety and depression at times, and it’s held me back a lot in life. I’ve never felt that my parents or partners really understood the context of my life or desires, how I process the world. Always felt burdensome to people I dated, while at the same time, a lot of empathy when they struggled with things.

    I first touched myself around the same time you did. Simply because it felt good. I was always fascinated by the human body, reproduction, how it all worked together. I was shocked to age and realize that my natural curiosity and intrigue with how God made us was “dirty” or “lustful.”

    All that to say your body, your desires, even your “scent” – are NOT dirty or bad. In fact, it was all God’s idea. I read once that evil cannot create anything, only distort it. Our sexuality is a part of divine design. It is no more selfish to want a toy to assist you with your pleasure than it is to enjoy a good meal, or an item for a hobby or sport. Self care is positive and healthy. Any real compassionate man would be proud of you for taking those steps for yourself in faith. Even just as a poster here, I am proud of you for having the courage to express all of these feelings.

    Seeking community in Christianity about difficult personal things, especially matters of faith and sexuality can be difficult. I applaud that you've written here. If you felt the courage to, perhaps consider a resource like Song of the Believers, where you can see that you are far from alone.

    Whatever you do, know that some of us out here are cheering for you and really appreciate your honesty.

  19. sarah k says:

    I feel your pain.

    Song of Solomon, Chapter 5.
    Vs 2.
    I slept, but my heart was awake.
    Listen! my beloved is knocking.

    Vs 5.
    I arose to open to my beloved,
    and my hands dripped with myrrh,
    my fingers with liquid myrrh,
    upon the handles of the bolt.

    (It is about him in between those verses.)

    Something else you need to know about this girl in chapter 5.

    Who is she?
    Chap 1:8 “fairest among women,”
    Chap 4:7 ‘You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you.’
    Chap 5:2 “flawless”
    Chap 5:9 “O fairest among women”

    Chapter 6:11 identifies her as a Shulammite. The meaning of the name is “From the verb שלם (shalem), to be or make whole or complete” – getting out of bed with her hand dripping with 'myrrh' – she was masturbating herself.
    It means sexual purity includes being about to masturbate oneself.

    Your desire to masturbate yourself and wanting your future husband to be a man who masturbates himself does not conflict with the bible or with sexual purity. Enjoy those thoughts and dreams.

    I think what you need is a woman as a mentor and confidant. Some women here could do that.

    I love walking into my daughter's rooms and smelling that they have been horny and masturbating.- good Christian girls.

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