Concerned about size – Any advice?
Hi everyone,
I’m celibate, but like most guys, I’ve wondered how I compare to the average man regarding penis size. Until now though, I’d just never actually ventured to find out.
After looking at some statistics, I was shocked to learn I’m significantly larger than average. Both in terms of girth and length.
(I’m unsure if it would be appropriate to share the exact measurements. If that information is important, please let me know in the comments.)
I have read a bit about preferred sizes for most women, and sizes that tend to cause pain. I’m really worried about sex in the future with my eventual wife. From what I gather, certain sexual acts will probably be off the table altogether. And it seems unavoidable that sex might be uncomfortable and maybe painful for her.
I plan to marry a girl who has also kept herself celibate before marriage. I’m really worried that our first time together will be extremely painful. And that it could totally put her off enjoying and desiring intimacy together.
I get that some level of discomfort is normal for a first time. But my situation makes me wonder if I should do anything to navigate this issue in the future.
A few of my questions are:
- Has anyone here had a similar experience with their spouse? How did it affect what you can both do as a couple?
- Is there anything I or my wife could do that would improve her comfort? I’ve heard about a few things like vaginal dilation – is that ever a good idea?
- Should I even mention this before getting married? How would I approach that?
For obvious reasons, I’m a little embarrassed to ask a family member or friend about this. But it’s something I’m pretty concerned about. I’d really appreciate any advice that you all may have – thank you in advance!
I love how this is a community that tries to help each other. Unless you have some monster cock that is 12” long and like a coke bottle you should be fine. My wife and I have been married for 19 years. I am 6.5” long and not pencil thin either. My wife is 5’ tall and thin. We have plenty of great sex. There are certain positions that hurt her. From behind is off the table. She doesn’t do oral (but I do). Neither of us would ever consider anal so we don’t worry about that one either. Remember a baby come out of her vagina if she gets pregnant. Your dick is not that big. Don’t over think it man. We didn’t use a dilator before we were married. Our first time was really hard at first so we had her on top then I slid right in. We used some lube.
Good advice, brother. We have no desire for anal, either.
I love the questions from fellow singles. I've put plenty on here myself! But this is a question I can't answer definitely because I too am celibate and waiting for marriage. However, on my journey to enjoying penetration and exploring what feels good, I'm figuring out that if a woman is wet and aroused enough, she can fit more in her vagina than she thought. I have extreme hypertension and tight muscles, so it usually takes a good amount of time to warm myself up and relax and get things to open up. Only after a lot of full-vulva stimulation (I enjoy grinding on a towel) and then fingering can I use my vibe (which I use as a dildo). Sometimes I'm so wet and loosened up that I think to myself, "I could definitely fit a good-sized penis in here!". Positions play into it too.
As to discussing it before you're married, I certainly believe that all sexual concerns need to be addressed with a fiance/fiancee. It should probably be later down the road, after a lot of counseling, but I myself have issues that I would feel compelled to bring up early on, so I'd want my fiance to do the same. It has to be discussed and a path chosen before you enter marriage. Otherwise there are misunderstandings and unspoken fears that never get brought up. Still, it probably shouldn't be discussed during your first week of friendship with a girl!
1. Yes I have had a similar story. I was assuming that I was smaller than normal. My first wife seemed to have implied this. I was shocked to discover a few years ago that I was actually two standard deviations above average in penis size (length, girth and volume). I actually felt foolish for wasting time worrying about it for 20+ years of my great marriage to Melody.
Many men worry about penis size but I truly believe that “It’s not the size of the ship but how you rock the boat!”
God designed the vagina to be able to stretch like 10+ cm for childbirth. So your bride will get used to your large-sized erection.
When we married my wife was apprehensive about my erection. She had been sexually abused as a child but never had vaginal penetration.
On our wedding night we failed at having full PIV sexual intercourse. She was too nervous and just plain tired from a long wedding day. Plus she had a probably very thick hymen.
Melody woke me up at 5:30 a.m. the next morning. It was my favorite sight in my life. She was on her side nude and looking voluptuous. “Let’s DO this!” she said.
She was more relaxed and very aroused. And she was fully rested. (She’s a morning person.) After some brief but very pleasant kissing and me orally loving in her beautiful boobs we tried sexual intercourse again. I decided that I needed to be more forceful to get through her hymen.
“Owee! Owee!” she cried out, followed by “Don’t stop!”
I was not fully in. I thrust again and felt her hymen tear. She repeated, “Owee! Owee! Don’t stop!”
My next thrust united us fully as her hymen tore and let me pass. I paused and checked on her then I began to slowly thrust deeper and eventually harder and faster.
Melody had an angelic and aroused look on her face as her vagina fully accepted my rather large erection. She came hard! In fact we both did. It was her first orgasm of her life.
We have learned that for her she has to be fully aroused and that extends her vaginal length for her to be able to accommodate my full erection. Sometimes she asks me to not thrust fully in because I am hitting her cervix. Other times she really likes my full length in an absolute pounding fuck. (It is still making love when it is a pounding fuck.)
We have learned that certain sex positions work better for a couple when the husband has a large erection.
A month into our marriage we first gave each other oral sexual pleasure. At first my wife laughed at not being able to fit her husband’s big hard penis into her mouth. But she flexed her jaw and soon took me into her rather small mouth. Over the years she has developed her oral lovemaking skills to the point of a year or two ago being able to fully deep-throat my full length. That was a big and pleasant surprise!
2. I knew that some virgin brides saw a physician who used dilators to stretch their vagina n hymen. I didn’t want Melody to do that and she was fine with that. I really was looking forward to getting to “pop her cherry.” In the end that was the right decision for us. We both enjoyed my erection being her first biological dilator.
3. Discussing your future sexual intimacy with your fiancé befire marriage is a very GOOD idea. We read the book “The act of Marriage” together and discussed things.
By the way, I would advise you to remember that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is very real. If you are dating someone and they let you know that they are not a virgin – and yet the emotional bond between you is very very good – I would advise you to not condemn them for their past. If you can’t emotionally handle it that’s one thing. But if you pronounce them unworthy then you are denying the Atonement and cleansing power of Jesus Christ.
In conclusion I would say that whatever a groom’s size the odds are that the bride will be happy with it. You may want to research best sex positions for a man with a large penis. But perhaps your bride will have a longer than average vagina. And if you get her fully aroused in foreplay she’ll be able to accommodate your full size. If not then learn how to thrust into her without banging into her cervix. Sometimes I need to do that – even when my Melody is fully aroused. Sometimes she likes the full pounding (especially doggy style!) The key is to communicate before after and certainly DURING sex.
I hope this was helpful and good luck finding that woman who you can make happy and she can also make you happy. I should add that my wife certainly enjoys my penis size. She has said as much. But we loved each other and liked each other way before we saw each other naked. She would love me whatever my penis size. In fact, she has rather large breasts and I adore them. But I would have lived her breasts at any size because they are part of her n I love all of her.
My best advice is to quit worry about sex before you even have a woman. Thoughts of sex should be cast out as they interfere with the emotional bonding process and may pervert it to the point that you end up making a horrible choice.
Sex is an extension of bonding with a woman. Without bonding, there can be no gratifying sexual union. It is a natural end to a marriage that takes time to develop. Rushing to it could create heartache between the parties. A Godly woman can be just as horny as any other, but her patience in reserving herself for the right man sets her apart.
A slightly larger penis should cause no problems so long as she feels loved, enjoys foreplay, and gets extremely wet. Once sex becomes something to worry over, the best advice is very similar. Quit thinking of the final act. Getting her all hot and bothered is the best course of action. My experience is that a woman will have no issue telling you and directing you in the ways she likes to be touched when it is really feeling good to her. The two of you will find ways to pleasure her.
A man has a Godly responsibility to protect and bond with his woman. Concentrate on that and the rest will occur quite naturally.
Unless you are unnaturally large I wouldn't worry much about it. The vagina will stretch to accommodate an array of sizes.
I'm a bit shorter than average length but above average in girth according to the statistics I've seen. I think it's a credit to your sensitivity that you are concerned about hurting your future bride, and rightfully so, if reading Sheila Gregoire's THE GREAT SEX RESCUE has taught me anything. There are plenty of stories in that book of virgin brides who were treated rather roughly on their wedding nights and it breaks my heart, because I want to be sensitive and attentive to my future wife when my day comes.
For a long time I've had the idea that she should be on top of me to control depth and speed of penetration to what she's comfortable with. And I intend to use lube to help facilitate, and some alcohol for muscle relaxing properties if she doesn't object. Whatever will make her first time as comfortable and painless as possible! And I do pray for a woman who masturbates frequently and knows her body well–I certainly don't object to dilators and hope she actually owns a vibrator or two. And I also don't see the big deal with the whole wedding night either, we'll have the rest of our lives to get things running smoothly, so why not take it after marriage the way (unmarried) couples do these days anyway, where there's a natural progression from masturbation to oral sex before getting to intercourse? I think I'd be too tired on the wedding night anyway to do more than collapse in bed.
I think it's not at all a bad idea to tell her how big you are. And depending on length, don't expect it all to fit in, from what I've read poking the cervix can be extremely painful for a lot of women! And go slow! Use lube. Make sure she's actually ready and that there's no pressure if she isn't!
I also found a lot of helpful advice in Clifford & Joyce Penner's books THE MARRIED GUY'S GUIDE TO GREAT SEX and GETTING YOUR SEX LIFE OFF TO A GREAT START.
I am 6" in girth and 7.5" in length. Both of us were virgins when we married. My wife's vagina was so small that she could not insert a tampon. She had a minor surgery several months before we were married to allow penetration to be less painful. However, when I did mount her I lubed up a lot and went slowly in the missionary position. I read that that, and her on top, were the best positions for well endowed men. I also love that position so we can see each other and she can play with my nipples and chest/butt hair. It was still painful for her but she told me to keep going until I blew my load. The more we did it, the less painful it became. Our kids were c sections so she is still really tight and have to do her manually or orally to allow her to expand in addition to lubing up a ton. Never had a blow job. A mouth can only open up so wide. I measured my wife's shaving cream can and I am the same girth. Tried putting it in my mouth and I couldn't fit it without stretching my mouth a ton. Men's mouths are designed to open wider than ladies, from what I have read, so I can understand how difficult it would be for her.
Welcome to MH, singlezoomer! Fellow single man here, which means I can't speak from experience, but I can share what I've read in preparation for my own future marriage!
First of all, I think you can relax a little. Your concerns are understandable, but you're already well on your way to solving any potential problems, simply because you clearly care about your future wife's wellbeing and pleasure. That is commendable, and a wonderful trait for a prospective husband to have! With an attitude like yours, I'm pretty confident you'll have the ability to make the first time a wonderful experience for your future wife.
Sharing your specific measurements wouldn't be inappropriate, if you're comfortable sharing them. They're also probably not necessary, though. Most of the advice will probably be the same whether you're slightly bigger than average or way bigger than average. The recommendations will just need to be implemented with greater priority and greater care the bigger you are.
I wouldn't worry about "preferred sizes" or "problematic sizes" too much. You have to remember that no survey of women's preferences will be of much value, because the woman who you marry will be just one data point out of many that were assembled to make that survey. What that means is that such information is of little use. You'll have to figure out your future wife for who she is individually: her individual mindsets, beliefs, preferences, anatomy, etc.
The statement made by other commenters that "the vagina can stretch, so don't worry about it" is a little simplistic. It is overall true, but needs some caveats. The vagina CAN stretch to accommodate an unusually large penis, but some extra care and preparation will go a long way to help.
Now to more specifically answer your questions, here are some suggestions that come to mind to avoid hurting her when you have sex for the first time.
Dilators: You mentioned these, and I think it could be worth looking into, if it's something your future wife is willing to consider. If she doesn't want to do that before the wedding, you could try after the wedding and participate in the stretching with her. Or you could use a less structured, less clinical approach and use a series of penetrative sex toys of increasing sizes, or even your own fingers, starting with one and working up two and three.
Give her control: When you and your future wife attempt vaginal penetration for the first time, pick a position that will let her have control over the depth and angle of penetration. That way she can use her own sensations of pain and pleasure to quickly adjust what she's doing, and do what's best for her body.
Go slow: Be prepared to be very gentle, have extra lubrication available to use if necessary, and make progress slowly. It's possible that penetration will have to wait for a day or two (or longer) after the wedding, if her body needs a lot of time to adapt. If that's the case, don't worry! There's plenty of fun exploration to be done short of full intercourse! It's totally okay for other things (like manual and oral stimulation) to be the "main event" for a while as you work together with your wife to achieve vaginal penetration. With patience, progress will come! If a couple of weeks go by and you're not getting any noticeable or measurable progress, see a few medical professionals with expertise in sexual matters.
Partial insertion: Don't get too focused on getting it all the way in! There's absolutely no reason that's necessary. Of course, it would be amazing for you to fill her completely, and for her to take all of you, but you can have amazing intimacy and mutual pleasure without complete penetration. Full penetration is an unnecessary standard to aim for, especially early on in the marriage. You're not at all failing if full penetration is something you have to work up to. Don't get stuck thinking of sex in that limited way when there's a whole world of marital intimacy to explore!
To answer your third question, personally, I would say yes, it would be good to discuss this before marriage. For such intimate personal details like penis size though, I'd wait until the engagement phase to bring that up. There's no right or wrong there in terms of timing, but it should wait until a point in the maturity of your relationship that discussing intimate sexual matters feels appropriate to both of you. For example, if there's a time where you two decide to talk about wedding night plans and expectations (which would be wise), that would be a good time to bring this up, since it will be relevant for making good mental and logistical preparations.
Hope that helps! And I hope that when you find the right woman, you'll both enjoy the unique anatomy and other sexual gifts God has given you!
Agreed with others that with your considerate pro-active approach-you’ll be a great combination of husband and lover!
What has helped me understand my wife’s perspective of receiving my enlarged cock is when she began providing prostate massages as part of our foreplay, utilizing a “Aneros” tool! While she uses this tool most of the time we also utilize her (large) dildo for my prostrate/anal massages and both provide some excellent sensations (with lots of lube-coconut oil!) This element of our intimate times together gives me an idea of what it feels like to receive an object (up my ass!) and to be able to understand the importance of the communication piece of lovemaking (related to the pace of what works for me etc). Now -after experiencing this massage method ~ I am much more sensitive to entering her and enjoy finding out how best to maneuver and pace my “cock movement” ~for her best “outcum”!!
I agree with others ~when it’s time for you both to “cum~together” (on your wedding night) ~ take your time and let her have COMPLETE control! From stripping your clothes off ~ to exploring your cock ~ massaging it to irruption or to the point of her straddling you and letting her figure out how she wants of that massive “magic wand” God blessed you (& her with) to enter, at what speed, how deep, and how much she wants in “there”! She & you will have a blast I’m sure!! Until then~explore and embrace this body God created!!
Being an Aneros practitioner I've found that I (hopefully) have gained a bit of empathy for what women feel as well! Glad to see there are more of us on here. Your times together must be incredibly intense, and I've love to read a story or two from you!
Glad “sunglezoomer” presented this great question and glad to throw our intimate perspective into the mix of these helpful responses! Will ponder a most intimate story to share ~ as we truly gain much from what all before us in this community have shared!
Guys, stop worrying about the size of your dick! Size doesn't really matter in a truly loving monogamous marriage. Society has filled everyone's brain with " bigger is better" which is a load of crap. I don't care if you have a big dick, an average dick or a smaller that average dick. Be proud of what you got.
I feel like GG's comment could be misunderstood as dismissing the original poster's concerns, but I don't think that's at all what she meant, and she brings up a closely related and valid point!
As I stated in my earlier comment, I think the original poster (singlezoomer) is totally right to prepare in order to minimize his future wife's pain and maximize her pleasure. But GG rightly points out that way too many men have the wrong mindset and are anxious about penis size, regardless of where they fall on the size spectrum. I've been one of them at times! Some cultures, like ours, say that bigger penises are better. Others have said that smaller penises are superior! Both are equally silly and pointless assertions. Instead of worrying about whether our size might be "not enough" or "too much," I think it's much more useful to adopt the mindset that all different sizes can be awesome, and that they simply require different approaches to make the most out of sex. For example, a man with a large penis may be able to give his wife a pleasurable stretch, but they may find difficulty in having rough, passionate intercourse, lest he hurt her by hitting her cervix or causing some other issue. At the same time, a man with a smaller penis may not give his wife the same stretch, but they can pound each other vigorously to their heart's content with far less chance of hurting her. Although I'd imagine she could still be pleasantly sore after a pounding like that. 😉
So different sizes all have different sets of pros and cons, but none is objectively better, and all can result in an intimate and mutually-satisfying sex life! Yes, big penises have their upsides. But so do small ones! Yes, small penises have their downsides. But so do big ones! Each husband simply needs to learn how his and his wife's individual anatomy work together best, mitigate the cons, and lean into the pros! Besides, there is such a vast variety of sexual activities available, and such vast freedom in the marriage bed, that any couple can adapt to whatever kind of anatomy they have!
I am not sure if exact measurements are considered okay either but I am an interesting case. Based on all the studies I’ve read, my length is above average, my girth is below average, and my volume is very near average. I’ve hit Vanessa’s cervix, and I’ve also felt like there’s not much friction on the sides during PIV. It’s definitely not tight, but I can go deep. I feel like my design isn’t the best for great PIV, but when two people love each other, they enjoy it and make it work. Vanessa enjoys the visual of watching me masturbate; something about the thinness combined with the length produces an impressive visual effect, same as how seeing someone who is both very tall and thin can be impressive.