Advice needed
I am not sure if this is ok to post here, but I sure could use some advice.
But first, a little bit of a backstory. I have been married for 13 years. We have been together for almost 16. When I was a month shy of 16, we first met. We have 2 beautiful girls together and a third on the way.
I have lied and cheated. I cheated on him when we were teens and lied about it and he eventually found out. And I lied about some of the stuff I had done with other people as a stupid teenager. Some of those lies I kept until very recently and I also cheated on him in my mind. There was some time when we were having sex and I couldn’t get there and I would think of other people, and random people and things and that is how I would orgasm. I haven’t done that in years and years, but it is cheating. I have kept lies in my heart from my husband for a very long time. They are now all out and he knows everything.
He is very hurt, but the absolute best man in the whole entire world. I feel like I don’t know how to be the Christian wife I want and need to be. The wife he deserves. I need help and advice and please no judgement. I have been judged enough by myself, I promise you that. My husband is the most forgiving, loving man that I could have ever asked for and I want to move on from this and I guess in a way, start a new life with him. One free of lies and secrets. I’m not sure how to go about being the wife that I am supposed to be. Can any of the ladies on here please help me?
I am not a female and still would like to give a suggestion. From what you described I think your best course of action would be to attend a Christian Marriage Counseling service in your area. I hope you and your husband can work thru these issues together and have a long lasting relationship.
Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear about this! But I commend you for being open and repentant. That is such a good sign; it shows you are humble and truly seeking to make things right. The Lord will honor that.
I'm single and have never done or had done to me any of the things you mentioned, so I have no experience, but I'll say what's on my heart. First, know that if you've repented, you are forgiven. The Lord has given His word on that. He puts your sin as far away from Him as the east is from the west, and chooses not to remember it. Second, you can start fresh and make your life from here on out as different as you want it. It will probably be really hard, but that's where God's grace comes in. He alone can give you the desire to do what you've never done. I definitely recommend counseling and therapy; you said you'd had trouble orgasming and I inferred that you might have some sexual hang-ups (though I'm just guessing). Talking with your husband about everything that you're thinking or afraid of or struggling with is a must. Marriages fail because couples don't talk. I can attest to that because I see it happen. My own parents have issues. If you and your husband both are not vulnerable and honest, secrets pile up and the hurt happens again. Talk freely, even if you feel embarrassed or want to cry. I have had to have conversations (of a different nature) where I felt that way, and it was always freeing afterwards.
I'll be praying for your marriage, sister, and healing for both of you. I'm so glad you're on this site. The folks on here are so loving and uplifting. I'm always blest by them. The Lord will guide you!
I’m not a woman, so I don’t know how to tell you to be a wife, but if I may say, I think the first thing you need to do is forgive yourself. You will never be the Godly woman or the Godly wife that He intends as long as you carry around this guilt.
Just a little update. Since I submitted this, I came to the realization that I did not truly know God. With the help of my incredible husband, I confessed my sins and asked God into my heart. I also did not make it clear in the post how incredible my husband truly is. He has always been kind, compassionate, loving, caring, and has always gone above and beyond to please me sexually. He is not the problem nor has he ever been. It has always been me. I need advice on how to build my husband up and how to be a godly wife. He has forgiven me fully and always has. I truly do not deserve him.
As a man, here is my advice. The greatest fulfillment a man can receive is to know his wife his receiving pleasure from his love making. You mentioned that he goes above and beyond to please you sexually. Let him know! Cry out his name during intercourse. Tell him how much he is pleasuring you. Let him feel and hear your ecstasy. Trust me, this will build him up more than you can ever know. And finally, do not make him feel small. I don't mean his penis. I mean his self worth and self esteem outside the bedroom. The best way to destroy a man is to belittle him. Believe me. I speak from experience.
I hope this helps you. It sounds like you truly have a fantastic husband. You are blessed beyond words. God bless you.
I agree wholeheartedly. The best way to be a supportive wife is to let your husband know you trust him and follow his lead. Keeping this within the scope of this site, that can mean doing exactly as Steady suggested in the bedroom. But if your husband would like you to initiate or be in control sometimes, finding ways to pleasure him that are "outside the box," so to speak, that is still following his lead and wishes. You may find that a little novelty is all you need to get you over the edge, as well! Enlist his help in discovering new ways to pleasure each other. And fantasy is not bad if consensually shared (and not of real "others", I'd suggest) but no more secrets between you is definately the way to go.
I’m SO happy that you found Jesus! Amen! Praise the Lord!!!
Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away, in order that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord; Acts 3:19
You have taken an enormous first step by confessing your sins to God and asking him into your heart.
Learning how to be a godly wife involves loving, respecting, and submitting to your husband (not to be confused with being subservient). It involves supporting and empowering your husband in his role as the head of the family. It also involves nurturing your marriage through acts of love, effective conflict resolution, and prayer. Being a good wife is not about being perfect (none of us are), but about striving for excellence and walking the biblical path.
Striving to be a good wife requires practical, everyday actions. Communication is essential. Engage in open, honest, and respectful communication with your husband, clearly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs.
Always seek to understand him. Each person is unique, with different backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives. Strive to understand his views, emotions, and reactions, even when they differ from your own.
Your relationship with your husband should be a reflection of your relationship with God. A wife who spends time in prayer and God’s word will be better equipped to love, respect, and submit to her husband. Regular Bible study will help you understand God’s design for marriage and your role in it. Praying for your husband daily will not only benefit him but also help you maintain a loving and respectful attitude towards him. Show respect to your husband in your words and actions. Affirm his worth and value to him and others. Choose to love your husband, even when he may disappoint you. Unconditional love reflects God’s love for us.
God and peace be with you in your journey.
I'm sorry for this tough stuff you're going through, but GOOD FOR YOU for confronting it and overcoming it! So many people let fear stop them from overcoming their past sin, but not you! I'm so glad to hear the positivity in your update comment. Praise God for working in your life and drawing you in to truly know him! And praise God for your amazing husband who is so wonderful to you and helps point you to God! We need more men and husbands like him in the world!
I think the hardest part is already past: the secrets are out, and you've made the choice to reorient your life toward God. There will still be tough things ahead, though. You have to decide again and again, every day, to live your life for God.
Whenever you've done something wrong, big or small, you should follow the steps laid out in the Bible, which are pretty simple. Not easy, but simple:
1) Confess
2) Repent
3) Ask for forgiveness
4) Live the right way (more on that later)
It sounds like you've done a lot of this already, but I'll go into a little detail just in case it helps.
1: Confess: It sounds like your husband knows everything already, but make sure you tell him everything. Acknowledge verbally that you've done something wrong, and apologize for doing it and for hurting him.
2: Repent: Decide to stop the thing that you have recognized is wrong, turn around (that's what "repent" means), and go the other way.
3: Ask for Forgiveness …from both God and your husband, and express your desire to live the right way and rebuild a thriving relationship—again, with both God and your husband.
You actually need forgiveness from 3 people in this situation: God, your husband, and yourself. It sounds like your husband has forgiven you thoroughly, and praise God for that! Based on your update comment, it sounds like you've asked God for forgiveness as well, and he is gracious and faithful to do so when we repent and ask in faith! (See 1 John 1:9.) So 2 of the 3 are taken care of. But you still need to forgive yourself! I'm not sure where you're at in that process. I can't tell if you're simply experiencing proper sadness and remorse for your past sins, or if you still haven't forgiven yourself. If you ARE having trouble forgiving yourself, remember that God himself has forgiven you and set you free. If God has forgiven you, who are you to hold a grudge against yourself? Embrace the new freedom you have because of God's abundant grace!
Now, as for how to live better and be a good wife for your husband, there are many things that play into that—way too many to go into detail, but there are a few foundational specifics to start with.
First, read the Bible regularly, even if you can only manage a few chapters per week. The best way to know God is to read the book he wrote for that very purpose! If you can find the time, read some other good Christian books too! I'm sure it's easy to find lists of highly-recommended classics online. Start with the Bible itself as a top priority though!
Get involved in a good church if you're not already. Find one by reading their purpose statements, values statements, "About Us" page or something similar on their websites. Look for a church that values and prioritizes the "5 Solas" of the Reformation: Scripture, Christ, Faith, Grace, and the Glory of God. True salvation, joy and fulfillment come only through the first four, for the purpose of the last one. A church may not list them all out like that, but you should see all 5 elements present in a good church!
Reading the Bible and being involved in a solid church community will help you continue to learn and grow in understanding of what it means to live a Christian life, and from that will come the ability to be an awesome wife!
And here are a couple of other miscellaneous things I think would be helpful as you set yourself on a new path.
First, keep the golden rule at the forefront of your mind: do unto others as you would have them do to you (Luke 6:31). In other words: be intentional, think proactively about what your husband wants, what would make him happy, what would be truly good for him, and show love to him by doing those things for him. You don't have to read his mind to figure those things out, either. Just pay attention to what makes him happy, and ask him what would make him happy, and try to do those things! But don't put too much pressure on yourself. Don't expect yourself to be able to fulfill his every desire every moment of every day, especially while you're caring for young kids! If he's as wonderful as he sounds, he won't expect you to be perfect, so don't expect perfection of yourself either!
That relates to another fundamental principle that will help you: Recognize that you, just like me, and just like the rest of us sinners redeemed by God's grace, are flawed, imperfect and limited in our abilities. We're not commanded to do the impossible, we're called to "steward" or manage what we're given to the best of our abilities. In the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus doesn't expect the servant with 2 talents to make 5 more! Jesus praises him for just making 2 more! If you've just recently fully embraced your relationship with God, you shouldn't expect yourself to be a 5-talent Christian, any more than you would expect a young child to manage a hedge fund! I mean no offense or judgment at all by that! There is no shame in the reality that everyone needs practice, experience and maturity in something in order to be good at it. Your excellence as a Christian and as a wife will come gradually over time as you walk with God. He doesn't expect perfection right away! For now, all he wants of you is a humble heart of faith, and a willingness to grow in obedience and love. And I see both of those things already! If you can forgive yourself, not expect perfection of yourself, and allow yourself space to breathe, you will feel so much more free to seek God and follow him.
Thanks for reaching out to the MH community! I hope what everyone has to say will be supportive and helpful to you, and I pray God would richly bless your efforts to live for him and love your family! 🙂
Praise the Lord that this experience has brought you to a relationship with Him! He uses everything, even our failings, for our growth and redemption. Praying for you to blossom in this newfound joy and grace!
BlessedWife123, I want you to read the book of Hosea and read about it.
He was told to marry a prostitute, an adulterer.
It was to be a symbol of Israels idolatry.
She returns, Hosea and God still love her.
What you must do is hard, you must accept your husbands mercy and forgiveness. We can never repay God for his love to us, for he is infinite. Your husband too, is a great man, accept his love.
Love him, be as Solomon's Bride:
https://marriageheat.com/2013/06/28/solomons-bride/
Also, as a mother teach and be an example of purity for your girls:
https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/02/masturbation-as-sexual-purity/
And for help in teaching about sex, I find Kathleen Hema on youtube very good, she teaches parents how to talk to their children about sex.
You did the best thing and got saved, Just be honest with your husband, my wife use to not want to tell me her thoughts and fantasies, it took her time to open up to be we have been married 31 yrs now and it just keeps getting better. She never has cheated but didnt want to share her thoughts at first because she didnt want me to think bad of her.
I think that thinking about real people in your life while having sex with your spouse does cross the line. But my late wife would think up imaginary people to fantasize about, and I was fine with it because it helped her orgasm. It was also a good source of fantasy material for her while I was deployed. Be honest, be loyal even in your mind. You’ll be okay.
I understand the experience of having an encounter with God that is so intense and real that before that happened I question whether or not I really was Saved! Because I had something like that just a couple months ago. And without wishing to make a judgement call one way or the other all I can say is that in a real relationship with Jesus, maybe you'll have several of those occurrences over your lifetime where each one will make you wonder about everything that came before. But look forward! And as others have said, being able to accept Forgiveness is an important step, and perhaps even harder (but just as necessary) is to be able to forgive yourself!