Low Libido Hubby
Sigh.
I’m writing this as a wife who feels I’ve been robbed of intimacy with my husband. I love this man, but we are 12, nearly 13 years apart in age. I am in my late twenties, he is turning 40 in a few days. We MAYBE have sex 1-2 times a week. Some weeks, not at all.
My husband has had every blood test done and his testosterone is within the normal range. He says he enjoys sex but doesn’t think about it like most men do. I am beautiful (not to toot my own horn). I have beautiful auburn hair, a nice perky butt, and small, but super perky boobies. My husband tells me I’m beautiful, but I want him to lust after me the way I do him.
I have taken all the initiative and I want him to just grab me and passionately do me. I dream of being taken by him in an aggressive, but intimate way. I just needed to vent I guess. We have been married for 2 years and it has been this way since the beginning. I’m feeling really lonely and he has not been super understanding, but very defensive when I bring this up.
Thanks for listening, and in advance for any thoughts you may have.
Sorry you're in this situation, but good job seeking help rather than just letting a problem fester like many people do!
Your situation sounds quite similar to another young wife's question that was posted recently on June 5 (https://marriageheat.com/2024/06/05/looking-for-guidance/). Take a read through the responses over there, as some of them might apply to your situation too!
I'd also say it sounds like you two could use a little training in marital communication skills, because you'll need them to navigate issues like this. One place to start that might be helpful is a book called "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman. It's been a while since I read it in prep for my own future marriage, but I do remember it has a lot of very helpful information on behavior like the defensive reaction from your husband. It could help you understand why he's reacting that way, and give you ideas for how to take a different approach that will be more productive. There's lots of other great stuff in there too!
I hope that helps, and I pray for God's work in you, in your husband and in your marriage to help your relationship thrive!
Thanks, Gingersnap, for being comfortable to vent. That’s a big reason why MH is so important for sex positive Christians,
Is your hubby romantic? Show loving attention and compliment you? Is he naturally reserved with his emotions? Does he have performance issues? Do you know if he masturbates? Do you masturbate? Are you open about masturbation with each other? How does he respond when you initiate?
Just some questions to better understand for you and us – could generate ideas and encouragement.
What line of work is your husband in? Are there any other stresses in your lives? Speaking from personal experience, stress can affect the libido.
I agree with PatientPassion with regards to communication. It is an absolute in resolving issues like this.
I pray you get this worked out.
As long as there's nothing wrong with your husband physically and mentally he doesn't have hangups, it might be that you are just the spouse with the higher libido, which anyone will tell you is not that fun! I've never been married so I'm hardly an expert on relationships. I do wonder if something like devotional sex might be a counter for wide disparities in libido, but only if both parties are willing to try it out.
Thank you for sharing your situation with us. I pray we can all contribute some encouragement and maybe helpful advice. One of the frequent writers on here, LovingMan, says he and his wife also had libido differences and that a sex schedule helped them. Maybe that is something you need. My advice is always: get counseling. Either you alone or both of you. There are so many people who are trained wholly in this area and their knowledge is invaluable. Being single, I can't give you much else. I'm thinking I'm a lot like you. I dream of being chased and lusted after and ravished by my future husband; I want him to be the dominant, masculine, sexy lover. So I get that. I'll pray for you and for answers to this predicament.
My wife n I had desire discrepancy problems n arguments for two decades. The thing that helped us was sex/marriage therapy. I realized that I was not appreciative of how often we did have sex. Also, I had seen times when my wife was over the top horny. So I wanted that every time. But our therapist pointed out that we all have various sexual moods etc He suggested that I realize this and be more thankful for what we did have.
Therapy helped us make a sex schedule that pretty much ended the arguments. We negotiated n compromised on the frequency schedule and over the last ten years we have modified it due to health. It used to be every other day but now it’s twice a week or every 3-4 days. Illness leads to necessary flexibility.
People can have sexual issues. For instance, my wife n I were both sexually abused in childhood. Thankfully we both had sought out good Christian therapists before we ever met, and we had been seeing other therapists when we met. The therapy helped us be prepared for a successful sex-filled marriage!
I’m sorry that you’re in this situation, but I agree that marriage/sex counseling is a good idea. I also agree that a sex calendar could benefit you both. Even if it’s not full intercourse every time, I think it would help.
I am sorry to hear this. I have no special advice except that it must be doubly frustrating to be the reverse of the typical discrepancy problem; the man wanting it more than the woman. I hope you are able to find ways both to improve things but also accept some as well.
I'm sorry for this trial in your marriage. Many of us have gone through similar so know you aren't alone.
In my own marriage my wife has had a much much much higher libido than me for the majority of our marriage, and it caused real issues because she felt undesired and sexually frustrated while I felt belittled, pressured to preform and less of a man when I couldn't.
It really came down to open communication and understanding. While my wife is nearly always ready and raring to go, I need to feel an emotional connection, and a little seduction really helps.
While I dont have erectile disfunction, I started using a ED medication (via doctor recommendation) to boost my libido, and it has been a total game changer for us. We went from having sex a few times a month (maybe 1-2 times a week if lucky) to having sex 5-10(+) times a week.
I also find it really helpful when my wife takes the time to seduce me. I think there is a weird stigma in society that men always need to be the seducer, and I think that stigma needs to be flushed down the toilet. Very few things get me as turned on as when my wife just casually walks around in lingerie and acts all innocent or I come home/into the bedroom to find her spread out on the bed in something sexy waiting for me.
It also helps me get in the mood if she sends me sexy self-posed nudes or a short video of her fingering herself or playing with her boobs, talking about how much she wants my dick. I prefer her not to send them too early in the day; otherwise, the desire can wane throughout the day, or if she sends them too early, I sometimes get so aroused at work that I have to take care of business before I get home because I can't be walking around at work with a raging boner. And that can make getting an errection later more difficult because by the time I get home, there might not be much left in the tank.
I found those things were way more effective then her trying to jump my bones right when I walk in the door after a long day.
Either way, approaching the subject lovingly and openly is huge because no man wants to feel like he can't please his wife. It can bring a lot of shame and embarrassment.
I know that's long, but I hope it helps. Sending prayers your way.
Sometimes the way to get what we want instead of showing it to who we want it from, is to give them enough room for their curiosities and interests to grow.
From a male perspective, maybe try dressing up for him, be someone different do some dirty like doing anal sex or go to church with no knickers on.
Gingersnap: So very sorry this is an issue for you and your husband! I know it is difficult to share on a public forum, but as others have said….Best to seek counsel than to sit and become more and more frustrated, for sure! There are a few things you havent mentioned in detail, and I'm not trying to pry for private information, but some things to think about…
His sexual behavior hasn't changed, its always been low …point here is that its not a sudden change from something to do with work, etc. I guess I would ask how his enthusiasm was for your relationship and marriage when you met and courted (?)…ie did he seem excited over dating /courting/marrying a younger woman? was he single before you two met?
Its an age gap (not extremely excessive) but is it maybe a problem bec of diff in ages of your mutual friends? Or do. you each have separate friends due to the age gap?
also wonder if he is feeling a bit awkward bec of our society's tendency to label relationships with age gaps as 'unacceptable' to some degree….ie depending on comments of his peers/friends is he feeling 'guilty' over the fact that he is with/married to a 'much younger woman'? maybe he is okay with it but outside influences are weighing on him. Male Libido can be a fragile thing. Has he had any inkling of ED or subpar performance (real or imagined in his mind)…that can weigh on a man's psyche, for sure. I am widowed now, but in our 40 plus years of marriage I know that the occasional bout with ED or even just subpar performance was a problem for me, and even just one poor event can have somewhat lasting psyche affects….on both spouses, but the man as well…some people erroneously think men can just put a poor performance aside when the next opportunity occurs, but I'm telling you that is not always the case.
Next comment is not to be overstepping my bounds, and not to be too graphic but just thoughts to help alleviate the issues. I would explore/think about whether you (or both you) would be satisfied with the 1-2 x per week of ( I assume) PIV (penis in vagina) sexual relations if he was willing to keep your libido satisfied with other forms of sexual pleasure..IE him using toys on you, or simply his hands or other methods to please you and keep you satisfied while (hopefully) you two can figure something out on along term solution.
You didnt mention it but I would think at some point, if the severely mismatched libidos keep being a problem, you will seek some sort of sexual/marriage counseling. I did a quick search for 'devotional sex' because of the earlier reply and suggest you read some of that material…maybe even read as a couple ?
I do hope all the responses you have received have at least given you some places to start in an attempt to resolve these issues!
My wife and I have a similar age gap to what you have. I met her in my early 40s while she was in her twenties. When we fuck, we really fuck but there are times when kids and life get in the way.
My one thought is that it might not be his hormones but his diet. Is he eating foods that help him refuel? This past weekend, my wife and I fucked three days in a row. On Friday we had blistering hot sex. I did such naughty things to her that after she came, I came so hard that I surely depleted my reserves.
On Saturday, I didn't take care of my nutritional needs. I drank little water and ate poorly. I had nothing in the tank to ejaculate. She was still wanting to have sex. So we did and she came, but she wanted me to come. I couldn't. There was nothing. I became concerned that maybe I was getting old and wouldn't be able to ever come again. The I remembered that I didn't eat well. My wife was angry because she took it as I wasn't as attracted to her as I should be. It should have been a happy ending and was not.
The next morning I ate things that would create what my body needed. I was able to do it the very next day.
Not sure if that's his problem. Make him eat more spinach and Brazil nuts.
You said he has had his testosterone levels checked. Most practitioners look at the numbers and if they are within the normal range or close consider it good. If you haven’t seen an endocrinologist, I would strongly suggest you do so.do some research on line about what to expect for testosterone. If that is not an issue,I would definitely suggest counseling.
Hey,
We've been there as a couple. We've both had times when one of us is hot and 1 is not. Some things that have helped:
At times, I've struggled with feeling inadequate. That's a real erection killer. She has continually called me Sexy and I've begun to believe it.
We keep coconut oil handy always. Sometimes when one of us is wondering where the other is at, we'll ask if the other needs any coconut oil.
Feed him Vitamin E. Look for the stronger IU's. It's a natural way to boost the natural juices for either party.
Once, when I was overworked and run down, my wife had a kitchen chair at the foot of the bed. I was to sit there, nude, and not touch her. She splayed her legs on the bed and brought herself to an intense orgasm. She got a very passionate response from me.
Since then, she pleasuring herself has almost always turned me into the sex drive that she needs. Even if I'm allowed to touch or help.
Have him use fingers. Pick a hole or both at the same time. That turns me on too.
One thing that doesn't much happen here but I enjoy is a good suck. Sometimes she asks for my tongue on her pussy and that in turn helps me too.
Hope you can help him help you!