Reconciliation
Hello. First of all, a few preliminaries. I’ve been reading stories on MarriageHeat for quite some time, but never bothered to register. This morning, I decided to finally register and post my first story.
*****
She read my letter—one of repentance for an offense I had caused her. Finally, after seven long years, we are lying in bed together. I passionately kiss her. Our tongues meet. We have always loved French kissing. As her warm tongue touches mine, my cock instantly becomes rock-hard. Oh, it has been so long! Why did I wait so long to repent? Masturbation became easier than resolving a conflict. What a fool I’ve been.
As my cock springs into action, I slowly kiss her, passionately, moving to her now-hard nipples. Oh, how I love sucking on them! Her hand reaches down and touches my erection, the tip of the head glistening with pre-cum. How hard I am! She slowly strokes it until I plead with her to stop. Not yet. She never wants me to cum outside of her. I’m good with that. Cumming inside of her wet vagina is a feeling that cannot be described. Masturbation simply cannot compete. There is something about ejaculating inside that is over the top. How can I describe it? It is not just a physical release, but also emotional. Cumming inside says, “We are one. I love you so much that filling you with my seed is the only way I can fully communicate it to you. You and you alone are worthy of my seed. I love you so desperately.”
I get on top of her. We love missionary: staring into each other’s eyes, passionately kissing with our wet tongues on one another. This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for so impatiently. I want it to last. Slowly, I guide my missile to the target. Very, very slowly, a little at a time, I enter her. The feeling!!! Over the top!!! As I penetrate her, suddenly I can no longer wait. I thrust fully into her. Balls deep. My wife cries out in pleasure.
We never use vulgar language, so instead she cries, “Make love to me! I want you to cum inside of me! Fill me with your seed!”
I can wait no longer. It’s been too long. I begin to pound her like I’ve never pounded her before. Fast and hard. Oh, the feeling! As I feel myself about to the point of no return, I use a technique I taught myself. Just before I am ready to explode, I pull out. I tense my cock and I hold it tense. I feel it pulsating as I orgasm but do not ejaculate. This takes much practice. As the pulsating stops, I re-enter her. I can now go forever. I thrust in and out so hard and so fast I’m out of breath.
I take a pause. “If you don’t want to cum, it is okay,” she says. I look at her incredulously. “Are you kidding me? I’ve waited so long for this!”
Finally, I can feel it. The point of no return. I explode inside of her. Exhausted, I lie on top of her, my quickly-softening cock still inside her. I lay my head on her chest. We pray. I thank God for my loving wife and our reconciliation. We cry softly together. It has been so long.
*****
“Wonderful story!” you may declare. But sadly, it isn’t true. Yes, the part about the offense and the letter are 100% true. But I haven’t completed the letter. I’m terrified of rejection. What if she doesn’t accept my repentance? Oh, the heartache. I’m nearly crying as I write this. It’s a fantasy that I want so desperately to come true. I need wisdom for the right words to finish the letter. Please pray for me, fellow readers. I love her so much.
I’m going to go now. To masturbate. Oh, the emptiness. Yes, I love to cum. But it’s not the same. I need to feel that intimacy. I need to know I am satisfying her. Oh, I am so lonely. Please pray for me.
Steady89,
I'm assuming your offense involved having some level of contact with a woman other than your wife. I'm speaking to you from the other side of this. My wife had an affair many years ago. She kept it from me for a very long time. But when the time came when she could no longer live with herself with the secret she'd kept from me, she did sit me down and confess to me about what she'd done. Of course I was hurt, and shocked to say the least. But something had intervened and my reactions were calm and anger free. That intervention came out of the fact that my wife told me a few day after she confessed when she was telling me how amazed she was at my controlled reactions' to her open honest sharing of her secret. She told me that she knew not telling me was the same as lying to me. And that she couldn't justifiably ask God to forgive her (which she had numerous times prior) until she confessed to me, than God would not hear her confession to Him and forgive her. So, my advice is to pray and ask God to give you the strength and courage to come clean with your wife, and for him to be present with the two of when you do confess your sins' to her. I would also advice that you have a face to face conversation with her and not hide behind writing her a letter.The letter approach really does take God's intervention out of it. Be strong in the Lord brother.
This is wise counsel. I too am praying for you.
No, it is not physical contact with another woman. I've never had sexual relations with any woman other than my wife. Ever.
Sadly, it WAS pornography. By the grace of God, I am now free from that. Forever. And she knows it. Thing is, I turned to it to hide my pain when she treated me terribly. She has used me, criticized me, and I've never been able to do anything right for her. I have forgiven her. I forgive her every day. I think she feels she has done no wrong.
This may sound strange, but now that I am free from sin, not having sex with her is even more frustrating because I have no outlet. I know, I know. Sin (pornography) is never fulfilling. That's why I forsook it. That and my eternal salvation being at risk. But now I'm left with masturbation while visualizing sex with my wife. That leaves me angry and frustrated. Not guilty, just empty. It is a sin for her to use sex as a weapon against me.
God says if we can't forgive each other, He can't forgive us. She has no right to "punish" me. My past sin does not justify her present sin. She is trying to take the place of God. It is only Him who has the right to chasten us. And he has. I am a new man. I only ask that she forgive me as I forgive her every day.
I just want to fuck my wife. To cum inside her pussy and be one with her. One flesh. A personification of God's love by having loving each other as one. As I said, very much an emotional release. Is that too much to ask?
@sheisthebest60:
You are right about the letter. I've already approached her and knelt on my knees in front of her begging forgiveness. She says she forgives me but doesn't "trust" me. Her actions say otherwise. Oh, and a woman telling her husband she doesn't trust him??? She may as well shoot me. As you know, a man's fulfillment comes not only from knowing he is pleasing his wife sexually, but in every aspect of life.
My prayers for you both.When it comes to sin we all have feet of clay.God works in the hearts of people he can make a way where there is no way.
Thank you so much. God has changed my hardened heart in so many ways. I cling to my faith every day that if he can change me, so too can he change her. I appreciate your prayers.
Praying here too 🙂
@Comingsoon, thank you and God bless you.
Absolutely praying for you, Steady89. I try to pray for everyone on MH, but especially those who have shared the stories of their broken marriages. May I suggest that you two pray together even before you start the conversation? Invite Jesus to be present and to give you humble repentance and her forgiveness and love. I will pray the same.
LLL, Thank you so much for your kindness and prayers.
I also pray that you will find your husband. He will be one very blessed man, from reading your posts.
When I read stories on MH from other loving couples who are enjoying passionate sex together, I feel so cheated. So angry. Other than the past forsaken pornography mentioned above, I have tried so desperately to please her. Everything I do, even the way I cut my hair, I think about her before I make my decision. Will it please her?
What else can I do but pray and continue to strive to be unselfish? Emotional agony. There is no other way to describe it. I feel as if I am going to lose my mind. I hate being controlled. I want God and only God to control me. Not any other person. And especially not my wife who promised to stand beside me.
Your statement on never making her happy prompted me to reply. There is a woman who has started a series on YouTube where she says a husband will never “make” his wife happy because that happiness has to come from inside her. No one can ever make someone happy. The husband will drive himself crazy doing so (I know I was driving myself crazy). The women in the video is pretty pointed with her comments on how women treat men in their pursuit of happiness. My wife started listening to her and initially she hated everything in the video but it was hitting home with her and she has been slowly realizing a lot of things about herself. She even said at one point, “I didn’t realize I’ve been fighting you our entire marriage!”. The series is called “The Happy Wife School”. It’s been making a huge difference in our lives. I just wanted to pass that along.
WeBeTrying, that's so coincidental because that very lady popped up on my feed too! She is pointed, but honest and correct. I pray that her content will be a big help on your marriage.
Just an outside observation I think she has issues beyond your stumble into porn.Are you still together?Children? Is Christian counseling an option?I have often thought when sitting in church if every man who has looked at porn had to stand up what would that look like?
We are still together. But only in name. Our house is set up as a "mother-in-law" suite, so we are literally living separately in the same house. Children, yes. And that is more painful than the no sex. She refuses to allow me to interact with them. It makes me so angry. I know they crave my love and attention. They need and want a father. She has no right to do that to me. Sometimes, I have an emotional meltdown thinking about it. The other night I was literally screaming and slamming my fist into my body pillow out of frustration and anger. I really need God's grace.
Steady89, is it possible that she has other issues? Maybe from her past? Without revealing too much, I want to mention my parents' situation. They've been living in a sexless marriage for years, and from appearances, it seemed like my dad was the problem. Mom would tell me things, but he really never did, so I only had her side. Finally, he and Mom got some counseling, and the counselor revealed to me that my mom has trauma in her past. Then I talked to my dad, and found that he's been struggling with constant rebuffs and little to no sex since early in their marriage. He has had no idea why, though he tried to help her find the reason. He knew nothing about the trauma. It explains why she wants no sex. Now that I have a bigger picture, I see things way more clearly. Thanks to God, my parents are seeing a therapist and my prayer is that my mom can get the physical and mental help she needs. Things are still the same, but knowing there's a deeper issue than just my mom not wanting sex and being disgusted by pretty much everything about my dad is hopeful. I pray you'll have wisdom to investigate this.
I pray for you with groaning that can not be uttered.I have grandchildren in a divorce situation and it is such a heartache.The kids pull the short straw so to speak.
She doesn’t let you interact with your own children?! She’s always criticizing you? You never do anything right according to her. I was in an abusive marriage where some of the things you described were happening to me. I think you MUST both get individual counseling and marriage counseling. If what you say is going on you are in an abusive relationship. And you are the victim not the abuser. She is exercising power over you in what sure looks like unrighteous ways. Please get some professional help.
I can totally get that you are in a whole world of pain.
Have you tried reading the love languages book?
It's so easy for all of us to try and please our spouse in the way we like to be pleased.
But we can get it all wrong.
You could spend all weekend building a bookshelf for her when all she wants is to go for a walk and a chat with you. You could buy her flowers every Friday when all she wants is for you to put the bin out or hang out the washing. "Choreplay" For some women the sexiest thing we might do is the ironing.
We can say sorry a 1000 times but forget to thank for for dinner, or say she looks gorgeous when she has done her hair. If she is hurt about porn, she is probably insecure about how she looks (most ladies are). Start complimenting her.
Do it all the time. Tell others you love her. Never ever be critical of her in public, (if she is there or not) Each time she hears you love the way she looks, it might give her a tiny boost.
I've been listening to a podcast series called the naked marriage recently. It's good, check it out.
Do you date? Do it weekly.
You crave sex, she might just want a little tenderness or closeness.
Men turn on like a lightbulb. Women warm up like an iron. And remember, when your light has switched off, her iron is still hot. It stays hot way longer than us! Hold her afterwards, she needs to know you still love her after your light has gone out.
Try to find out where she likes to be (whatever that means for HER), and meet her there. There is always a way with God.
I’m sorry about your situation.
If I may say from a kind heart, it’s not healthy or sustainable to place yourself in a position of begging for forgiveness or anything else. This gives her a position of power that it sounds like she’s using against you.
Also, she has absolutely no right to keep you from your children.
The best case scenario is for the two of you to seek counseling. If you’re both cooperative, at some point in the future you could resume a healthy marriage.
The other options are not good. I’m sorry. I truly am.
Like others, I will pray for you
So sorry dude. That is real pain, and it sucks. Lots of good wisdom from others. Please do seek help, others have been through this, God can heal all. But it might not happen overnight or just how you expect. When I was stumbling with this and wife found out, she was furious, walls went up, slept apart for a while. While we argued about whether p*rn constitutes actual infidelity per Jesus words about lust in the heart, I can understand the distrust resulting from finding out something was happening behind ones back – and it's a common tendency to assume or question if even worse things could be happening. (Nothing worse ever was or ever will). We settled on physically signing an agreement we came up with that I would not seek that stuff out again, the consequence being to bring in others in our church/fellow believers to confront me on it, as so forth, following the model in James. And I encourage her to ask me how I'm doing in that area anytime. The other side of this is she always tries to "fit in" intimacy even when she doesn't want it. A pastor I once heard referred to our "sexual ministry" as spouses – not just a recreational activity but a responsibility we bear to each other. Anyhow, I pray you will push through, do the hard/inconvenient thing and seek help rather than letting entropy keep you apart. Your kids are worth it.