Preserving The Intimacy
I think almost everyone here would agree that sex is ordained by God and that it has an irreplaceable role in a marriage. Sadly though, sex falls by the wayside for too many couples. A few have kinda sorta commented on this subject along the way, but I thought I’d consolidate the topic and put it in the form of a discussion.
1. How do you prioritize intimacy?
2. How do you reconnect if it’s been a while?
3. What problems arise if your intimacy has waned?
4. (A little bit of a harder question for the guys) To what lengths would you go to maintain intimacy if you became unable to achieve or maintain an erection? Example—would you be willing to please your wife regularly with a dildo or strap-on?
5. For the ladies—same question. If your libido waned or you lost your ability to produce natural lube, would you be willing to please your husband with a fleshlight or use synthetic lubricants?
As always, I welcome comments from singles.
1) I think the first thing to emphasise is that intimacy is a state of mind, rather than just about the physicality of sex. So I prioritize intimacy through the little acts of kindness, the conversations we have about family, hobbies, etc and through being aware of my wife's health, emotional wellbeing. Intimacy only comes through an ever deepening relationship.
2) I'm guessing you mean reconnect sexually. Its a very real questions as there are ongoing health issues relating to peri-menopause just now, meaning that the physical intimacy of PIV sex isn't often possible at present. However, we keep the flame alive in other ways that are possible and through sexual communication on those occasions where we are apart physically. We've found some apps that help this, and aid sexual communication without having to worry about who might pick up the phone.
3) This hasn't been an issue for us so far, but I can see the potential as we get older given the medical constraints we currently face. However, the non-physical intimacy is essential in keeping the channels of communication open.
4) Given my aim any sexual encounter with my wife is to bring her pleasure – ahead of my own – I've always been willing to do/use/try anything I can to achieve that. So, should I face that issue – which has happened occasionally anyway – I'd keep doing the same.
Thanks story_smith! I love your response. I appreciate that you take so much care in considering your wife’s pleasure.
A lot of guys might not be so willing to do whatever it might take, but I’m glad to see that you are.
1. We eventually prioritized sex by scheduling it. For years it was every other day. Now it’s every 3-4 days… but more often every 3 days.
2. Health issues can get in the way – like surgery recovery. But we have full sex as soon as we can. In the meantime if it’s my wife who can’t have intercourse- she helps me to an orgasm.
3. We made the schedule because of our desire discrepancy. My wife “fixing my problem” on off days was part of the schedule.
4. I’d do anything to please my wife sexually. I’m grateful that full intercourse is still possible in our marriage. My Melody uses a vibrator(s) during our sex sessions so of course that would continue if I could not keep hard. Just yesterday I gucked her with a G spot vibrator as part of foreplay. But eventually she insisted that she wanted the “real thing” AKA my cock inside her n fucking her pussy. For the last year n a half she has needed me to be orally stimulating her nipples as she uses the vibrator. It is the only way she can climax. She’ll cum before or after intercourse and it’s either one or two orgasms per session for her. One or two orgasms in a sex session is normal for me. Before my heart failure it was more common for me to have 2-5 orgasms in a lovemaking session. Once in a while now we push our luck n I have 3.
5. Melody bought me a Hello Cake vibrating stroker when she knew intercourse was going to be impossible for her due to upcoming back surgery. We use it several times a week on off days and often in sex sessions. So we HAVE dealt with that n she even talks for “Julia” – the name she gave the stroker.
By the way, sometimes we DO have off-schedule spontaneous lovemaking sessions. & sometimes we go in a tear with sex daily n sometimes 2x daily.
At first glance, scheduling sex might seem unsexy, but I think it speaks strongly towards the commitment you have to honoring each other in your marriage.
It’s each of you saying, “You’re a priority,” and in today’s busy world, that’s important.
1. How do you prioritize intimacy?
A. Personally, I be myself. My wife is not a romantic, but I am. She likes sex but can really too easily go with the flow. Meaning, tired, aches, pains, lazy, phone, or tv can wave hi to her & she cozies right up with them, & shuts sex away in the closet. This can be very frustrating, but I have learned that confrontation only creates anger that has no time for sex, either. So, I be myself. Regardless of how she feels, when I am feeling randy I will go naked, which is a daily morning routine, kids home or not. I will flash her. I will peek down her shirt (just did that the other day with our grown daughter right there seeing it). I will text her dirty jokes. I will flirt with her. I pat & squeeze her butt at church, the grocery store, or wherever. I will touch her skin on skin, skin on clothes, wherever, public or private in her most private parts causing a jump scare, a laugh, or some sexual banter. I will be my sexual self anyway while letting her have her space. But, when I've had enough of being jerked around I let her know sex needs to happen, then she knows if we cannot find a time without kids home, we are going to go do it whether she cums or not, & she complies. This tactic is not rejected by my wife. Sometimes as I wag my hard dick in front of her while she is peeing she will give it a quick suck, or she will respond (not all the time) in some other way to show some positive participation. This behavior never lets sex die, she always knows it is a priority that I am wanting, or missing. She never gets to feel sex is dead, even in a drought. I have gotten much more sex out of her this way, than getting mad & huffing & puffing, or pouting, all over the place.
2. How do you reconnect if it’s been a while?
A. I tell her it's been a while. I can count on maybe 2 hands how many times my wife has initiated sex, in 30+ years. Sometimes she will agree & we will set a a date to do it, soon. Other times, if I get the usual excuses, I gently insist. But, at other non sex, times, & get sex time I prime the pump with interruptions that I know will bring a smile. It is always some kind of touching. She can be on her phone & I'll act like a big kid & sit down practically on her & tell her it's my turn (to play the game she is playing). I'll get in her way & try to take the phone or push on her screen saying it's my turn I'm player number two. Sometimes, I'll tickle her. Other times I'll lay on her, my head on her lap, or my whole body on her whole body. Just stupid stuff that reminds us both of funner days before kids. I can make her practically pee her pants with laughter. It brings down defenses & walls. The touching during all this is very needed for intimacy. And, it changes the air from constricted to breathing free & easy. It really helps to reconnect & open us up to sex then, or later. And, it helps to know we still love one another, when a drought sets in.
3. What problems arise if your intimacy has waned?
A. I get less sleep cause I am always complaining to God about it. Sex becomes my thought whenever I am alone. My sexual thought life becomes worse & worse pornographically the longer things wane. I can get more critical of her & others. I don't want to do hardly anything but what I have to. And, I can browse some wife loving porn. But, I don't feel I can blame her for the porn or thought life, but then again I want to seeing how the male body will work against itself to get us to think anything sex to ejaculate a full amount of seminal fluid. Our bodies don't like blue balls.
4. (A little bit of a harder question for the guys) To what lengths would you go to maintain intimacy if you became unable to achieve or maintain an erection? Example—would you be willing to please your wife regularly with a dildo or strap-on?
A. On this side, not having experiences it, I can say a resounding yes. Short of sharing her, giving her a hall pass, or having her date I would do anything to please her sexually if my body were incapable of getting it up. I could still eat her out, & finger her without toys. But, easily I would toy her, too. I would try & adjust to the new dynamic to create just a new season of life for us. Like Alfred serves Batman no problem. I would please her until I absolutely could do nothing at all.
Great questions KM. Here lately, God willing, I am learning to lead from where I am. Whether at work, with the kids, my wife, sex, whatever I can't demand just because I am a man that they follow my lead. People don't respond to that & It's not reasonable. It's not Jesus. People put us where they want us in their life. We rarely ever get the prominent place we desire. Like Jesus said, take the lowest seat you can find. This ends any fighting from demanding my way. I seek to lead from where I am put, in their life. This way I am accountable to lead as God has called, but without fighting for position. I stay where I am & find I can lead from there. That's Jesus style. I'm less frustrated & my wife respond more in favor & support. I used to take my ball & go home, now I stay & play where they allow to be in their life. I used to feel like In was drowning. Now I swim with them & lead from where I am at. And, I don't mean giving in to their selfishness. I am able to lead as God wants me to, accountable to Him. This has been beneficial in the sex dept. as well.
I live your very thoughtful and detailed response SCMM.
It’s honestly great that your wife is open to your approach. So many women, I think, probably would not. It looks like your doing whatever it takes to keep the sex alive, and I commend you brother!
I get you. My late wife and I went through this, but no two couples are the same.
Our key was communication, and that includes loving constructive criticism. My wife pointed out to me that I was too distant, even when we were near each other. I was a Cop in the Air Force, and I developed severe PTSD from the things I saw, the death I watched, and man’s inhumanity to man. So when I got home on a particularly difficult day, I shut everyone out.
She lovingly reminded me that she was as my wife, the shoulder I could lean on, or often cry on.
So we became much more open about our day to day activities, and this led to a more intimate connection between us. I would still come home after watching a plane crash, be the first responder to a military aircraft crash, or even a friends suicide on base. But Heidi was always there to take my mind off of it. Or at least for a while.
We became more open and playful with each other, and opened up, after 20 years of marriage, that we both masturbated when we were apart. This opened up a vital part of intimacy, because she came down with lichen sclerosis in her labia. It looks and feels like herpes, but it never went away.
What I’m trying to rattle on about is the importance of communication, introduce something new into your relationship, and sex life.
God bless you on this journey. Remind each other, that death can take you whenever it wants, it doesn’t ask your permission. My wife died in her sleep, and 5 years later my 35 year old son was killed. Love each other like there will never be another day. ❤️❤️
I rejoice with you over the life you had with your dear wife, and I weep with you over the tragedy.
I’m not at all equipped to help you deal with the sadness, but my heart goes out to you.
You and all others who serve in the military or as police or first responders are heroes to me. Thank you for enduring sad and horrific things to keep this nation safer. I pray you are continually healed by the Lord's power. And I am so happy you have sweet memories of your wife and the marriage you shared with her.
Great topic — thanks for opening this up.
We try to prioritize intimacy by staying emotionally close first — little check-ins, cuddles, laughter. That often leads to physical connection more naturally.
If it’s been a while, we reconnect slowly — touch, talk, fantasy-sharing. No pressure, just creating space again.
When it fades, we both feel it — more tension, more distance. It really impacts the whole relationship if we don’t name it.
If my husband had ED, I’d be 100% open to toys or other ways to stay intimate. It’s about connection, not just function.
And same if my body changed — we already use lube sometimes. No shame. I’d absolutely be open to supporting him in other ways.
Sex evolves, but intimacy can grow even stronger with creativity and trust.
I love your response lexiwife77. I think this is exactly the right attitude towards staying connected. So many are not as open, but you definitely have it figured out