How Much Fantasy Dare We Share with our Partner?
How honest, open, and free do you feel like you can be with your partner about what arouses you the most?
Together, my wife and I strive for greater truthfulness like this. We trust the words of Jesus when He said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free,” and believe they apply not only to our spiritual passions, but even to our carnal passions.
The simple truth we recognize is that we as humans don’t so much choose what arouses us. It is more like what arouses us chooses us as people, through curious and defining moments along the way of our life narrative.
We are aware of how personal experiences in our growing-up years shape our erotic appetite and desire as adults. For example, if you were a babysitter discovering a cache of smutty magazines, you might grow into a woman who enjoys exposing and even touching breasts. If you were a teen lad who had a widowed teacher suggestively flirt with you, you might prefer mature women. You might become curious about bodies of wholesome and respectable mature women, and how they touch themselves in private, the moans and whimpers of their arousal, and what makes them orgasm.
Our different pathways in life leave different imprints on our desire and arousal. That is not a matter of shame. Rather, it is something best ventilated by candid sharing and exploring, as well as experimenting in ways that allow us to share erotic new discoveries and affirmation.
My wife was the babysitter whose eyes were opened by dirty pictures hidden in a drawer, and who adored seeing and masturbating to them after the children she cared for were asleep. I find this cute and endearing on her part.
I was the middle school student whose widowed Spanish teacher kept me after school to “help her move and organize some things”. She climbed a ladder that she asked me to hold; she wanted me to see her womanly parts in a garter belt with no panties, teasing me in her subtle, clever way. Afterward she looked defiantly deep into my eyes seeking telltale traces of how much she had aroused me. The answer was . . . very much.
We all have such stories which, when shared with each other, explain who we are. They can also explain the peculiarities of our fantasies in our lives as sexual beings. Our fantasies do not appear from nowhere. They have an origin.
Aside from the sexual imprinting of our individual selves, we have also been shaped as a species across millennia in ways hard to identify; ways we are only dimly aware of. Psychologist Carl Jung describes our “collective unconscious” as a species. It powerfully drives our substratum of instincts and impulses—he calls them archetypes—originating deep within us across generations.
Vacations often stimulate new wrinkles in our sexuality, and a recent one opened our eyes.
My wife and I were in Southern Spain’s last Moorish strongholds of Andalucia when we veered into something completely different. We visited Cueva de la Pileta outside of Ronda, way up a mountainside, away from the maddening crowds. If you’ve heard of the French caves with captivating wall paintings, this was very much like those descriptions.
Lively sketch paintings of wild animals—bulls and goats, fish and turtles—enliven the walls. The paintings in black go back 20,000 years, those in red 25,000 years, and finally those in yellow from cave occupants 40,000 years ago. The nature of their lives in deep antiquity fascinated us. Their line drawings illustrating the walls stimulated our curiosity about their personal and intimate lives as prehistoric inhabitants.
After visiting the cave, we researched these ancient cave dwellers. Humankind as a species has existed for roughly 250,000 years. But it has been only 10,000 years that humans have owned and cultivated land, settled into nuclear families, and gathered into towns and states. Before that, all humankind existed as hunters and gatherers subsisting off the land. Picture the Native American on the plains, or the tribes of Africa surviving together on the savannahs.
We can’t imagine how radically different their lives were as hunters and gatherers from our owning property, accumulating and protecting possessions—including one’s wife—and gathering in settlements. Imagine holding all things in common as a small wandering troop. It wasn’t so much that they were more altruistic or sharing by nature. Holding all things in common—food, shelter, clothing, children, and clean water—was the only way they survived. And that complete sharing of all resources and personnel was an ethic stringently enforced, not some kumbaya form of sentimentality.
The sharing of everything was so extensive, some anthropological writers insist that even the wives were shared. What!? When hunter-and-gatherer women were ovulating, they were available to all men of their pack. Is this why women are much louder during sex than men, to alert men of their availability? Is this how competition among men to service the women and even competition among them for male seed resulted in the strongest boy and girl children? Is this why alpha women are capable of multiple orgasms in ways we men are incapable of? Is this why a disproportionately large number of men identify as cuckolds who prefer seeing larger and more dominant men enjoying their wives and giving their wives what they cannot?
Recognizing how ancient ancestors lived and loved can help us understand our own nature today. My point is that deep underlying forces in our desires as men and women—both individually and as a species—have shaped the erotic fantasies we secretly harbor in ways we have not begun to grasp. Rather than retreating from that in shame, what if we could be that honest with each other?
Such honesty can help create variety and spice in the marriage covenant, allowing us to keep each other interested over a lifetime and nurture mutual faithfulness. All that takes is deep love and powerful trust, granting permission to be who we truly are without judgment, and respecting our different paths.
When Jesus was crucified upon the cross, it was the most deeply shameful manner of death possible. More than humiliating, it rendered its victims into the depths of non-being. Jesus willingly submitted Himself to such shame to absorb our shame, freeing us from that darkness. In many ways, true sexual intimacy for Christian couples is walking together away from the darkness of guilty shame toward this light of honesty and openness. Yes, we can know and share the truth, and those hidden truths can make us free (John 8:32).
Beautiful writing! Keep it up.
Admins: I would have “favorited” it, but I don’t see the favorite button any more?
[From MH: Sorry about that! We have been running into some new technical issues since yesterday, and the "Favorite" feature unfortunately had to be temporarily disabled.]
"Together, my wife and I strive for greater truthfulness like this. We trust the words of Jesus when He said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free,” and believe they apply not only to our spiritual passions, but even to our carnal passions." I would whole heartedly agree with confessing of pasts & fantasies portion of your post. I wish that all marriages had the maturity to do so, this would be a great practice for the church in love, forgiveness, & not judging. Today is the day of salvation, not judging.
"we recognize is that we as humans don’t so much choose what arouses us. It is more like what arouses us chooses us as people" I get the sentiment, that our feelings are so overwhelming that they seem to have a mind of their own. But, I caution against this acceptance, because it is very worldly sounding. Like love is love, or I have no control over who I love. This is not of God who says "choose you this day," "Love the Lord your God," & hate your family. Arousal can be tricky, mystifying, & curious. But, it really is not in control, though we may want it to be.
"Aside from the sexual imprinting of our individual selves, we have also been shaped as a species across millennia in ways hard to identify; ways we are only dimly aware of. Psychologist Carl Jung describes our “collective unconscious” as a species. It powerfully drives our substratum of instincts and impulses—he calls them archetypes—originating deep within us across generations."
Just a cursory dive into Jung brings up 2 things. 1. He is a mix bag of Christianity (I would say as the bag) mixed with much more occultism, spiritism, channeling, & psychological philosophy. 2. He is not widely accepted in Christian circles. I would understand if you were saying sexual fantasy has been influenced by past generations. But, again, what you seem to be saying is that a large part of our sexual thoughts are innate & we have little control over them. I honestly don't think you are suggesting we are to be out of control. But, it does not seem you are drawing boundaries of self control very well. This may come from Jung, too. Idk. But, he taught that evil was equal to God. He taught God was not always good. But, that evil was a force equal to God in power but in the opposite manner. This sounds like a christian filling in the blanks, where they have not read, or understood, their bible. Evil bows to God, & God expects us to be like Him. In control of our evil, through Jesus. Jung sees evil as a 4th player in the trinity, a quadrinity(?). This lends to christian weakness being allowed. Rather than struggling against sin, we play with it. Truth does set us free, but it is God's word that defines. Evil means to replace God. What does Christ have to do with Belial (Satan)? Paul asks in 2Cor 6. Nothing. Is God's answer.
2 Timothy 3:16-17 (ESV) "16 All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work."
(Sorry, I don't mean to sound angry if I did. I mean no harm, but only to participate in the context of MH. I meant nothing judgmental. Just bringing my opinion to the table. Thank you for your well thought out post.)
This was kind of refreshing to read your article with its many scientific references. My wife n I are retired scientists so this was an interesting read.
The idea of some of our fantasies possibly coming from our far past species background was intriguing. Acknowledging our fantasies seems appropriate but acting on them by breaking our marriage covenant is not conquering the flesh.
However, I don’t think that role playing fantasies with our spouse is inappropriate. We have done Elf Loving role plays. Massage therapist role plays, sexologists and client role play, photographer n model role play, etc.
Readers of MH will know that my Melody gave me a vibrating male stroker then surprised me by talking for “Julia.” So as I stroke my cock my Melody orally n manually stimulates my nipples and Melody does sexy talk for Julia. I guess that’s kind of a threesome role play that we both enjoy.
Melody had a fantasy of a certain actor so I got a fedora, whip, n leather coat. In fact I got her a fedora too.
After waking up I usually tell Melody about my sexy dreams and that sometimes has led to some extreme sex sessions!
I find my wife beautiful in plaid flannel shirts so recently I bought her a new one and we did a sexy photoshoot with her open or partly open flannel shirt being the lingerie. I wrote that experience up for MH n it’s in the “to be published” cue. In fact, I’ve written up many of our fantasy role plays for MH.
So we do share our sexual or romantic fantasies – but I cum up with way more than my Melody. I explain my fantasy as I set up a role play n Melody plays along. Often these fantasy roleplays set her off into her “vixen mode!” It’s cool how MY fantasy can set her off!
I have some fantasies I have yet to share with her. Your post has helped me decide to share them with her. So thanks!
One negative note: A teacher being inappropriate in any way with a student is way out of line.
I believe you can strive for truthfulness like this in your marriage, about fantasies current and past. I don’t think it is bad to share your fantasies with your spouse. I know it could cause trouble if it involves another person outside your marriage. I don’t think that is acceptable as a believer. I know there have been stories on MH where the couple pretended a dildo was another man. I think that may be ok if each spouse agrees and knows it is just a fantasy, there is not a specific man or woman they are desiring. It can be a hard thing to navigate. I do think we as Christians do have a choice as She Calls Me Mister stated and we are not to be transformed to the worldly standards.
OK, the part about women being louder during sex – that one made me smile because my husband and I are both introverts who don't talk much, but I'm definitely a moaner during the act. 🙂
That said, I think he and I are outliers because we don't prefer variety like everyone else writes about and what all my LLM AI algorithms say people like. We experimented early in our relationship over 20 years ago, but we eventually decided we strongly prefer the woman on top and missionary positions. We don't do any others anymore and never had interest in toys etc. These positions are so reliable for us and give us the most pleasure that we always come back to them. I do know that extroverts are novelty seekers while introverts prefer mastering just a few things so that might explain it. And if my Reformed Neuroscience friends are correct, 80% of people are extroverts, so naturally their novelty preferences are going to dominate stories and algorithms.
Learning about the dysfunction of my parents' marriage has taught me SO MUCH about transparency and communication. I believe that husband and wife should have, and can have, no secrets from each other (not counting keeping something like a birthday surprise or a gift a secret temporarily). Doing so will always cause hurt, either to them or to generations down the line. If the two are one flesh, how can any walls still be up? Especially in the realm of sexual past, desires, fantasies, struggles, or sin. Eventually, things come out. And even if they don't, they cause damage from being locked away or influencing the mind of either spouse. I've already made the decision to be 100% open about my beliefs, thoughts, needs, preferences, and practices regarding sexuality with any man I have a serious relationship with. If a couple isn't on the same page there, how can they be in other things? I think it is second only to faith in the importance of what two people look for as they plan to enter marriage.
Thanks for your thoughtful post. I understand the intent of the question and it's a good one. However, I think the real problem in Christian marriages today is not the danger of sharing too much, but keeping these secrets hidden.
I would rather the Church have a "problem" with wild and loving married couples going "too far" than what we actually today which is marriages build on secrets and lies.
I will generalize and I realize this is not every case: We often have Christian women who were raised in "purity" culture to the point that they can't turn on their sexual freedom within marriage. Women who worship at the alter of being "mommy" and it takes over the marriage. When they aren't busy with that, it's being church volunteer of the year dominating their energies and free time. They stop pursuing their husband, and the husband resents that his wife only seems to look hot and dressed up on Sunday morning or for work. Then you have men making work their only priority and lying to themselves and their wives about what turns them on; masturbating to porn as release and going online to connect with cam models who will do whatever they like because of course a Christian man can't want erotic fantasy with his wife, and be a follower of Christ. Finally, Pastor only talks about lust and sexual desire as being evil, goes down a laundry list of sexual "never do's" Apparently even reading an erotic novel is sin (I guess we won't talk about Song of Solomon) and he will opine that Penthouse magazine is the culprit for destroying all marriages. It's a deadly combination of ignorance and the victim is a healthy marriage with true intimacy and connection.
After years of misplaced priorities my wife and I fortunately still had a very strong foundation and we eventually figured it out. We now role play and a recurring theme is sex therapist and patient. I tell her through discussion and in writing exactly what arouses me. I write erotic stories for her. And I tell her what I masturbated to (it's pretty much scenes of messy and passionate sex and masturbating women) and she smiles and nods her head and asks if those are things I want to do with my wife. The lovemaking is quite intense afterwards!
One other thing we do which may be a bit controversial is our "morning after" therapy. The next day, and after a lovely breakfast somewhere near our hotel, we go back to the room and I take out some carefully chosen pics of women I used to masturbate to alone or that I find attractive. I don't have the urge to masturbate to that alone anymore. I can honestly say that and we discuss how I'm doing on that front (which is very well!)
We agreed I would crop out the nudity but that sexy and exotic is fine. I also have naked images of my wife from our role play boudoir session and my "therapist" guides me to ejaculating all over the pictures. I ensure that my wife's pics get the mother load, so to speak. As I do, I look into my wife's eyes. She is smiling, playful and encouraging. I confess I was a very naughty boy when I jacked off alone. I admit I now want a nice erotic show of my wife masturbating with a dildo while I stare at her and stroke my cock. I breath deeply into my wife's neck, moaning loudly while my cum spurts all over. I have of course offered the same type of visual masturbation for my wife but she isn't wired for visual like I am.
Is that acceptable for every married Christian couple? No. How about anal (we don't) or role play in general? The point is that I have room in my faith and beliefs for those who do and I'm glad to see free expression being the focus because we have a problem of too much silence in the Church.