Post-pregnancy, Getting Horny Many Times a Day
I am a male, almost forty, married, and a father of one. This is more of a holler for help than a story. If I am not following the norm, I sincerely apologize.
Since we got pregnant and after our lovely daughter was born, our sexual life has almost vanished. Between the two of us, I have always had the higher libido. But now, my wife has virtually no sex drive since the baby arrived. To give an idea of our situation, before our pregnancy we used to have sex maybe once a month. In the two and a half years since then, we’ve had sex only four times.
During the last few months when I am home and my wife is around, I’ve had this odd problem of getting an erection many times. It’s not like a random erection without sexual thought. It’s like I am always ready to have sex with her.
With the baby, both of us go through tremendous stress and work pressure. Despite that, I still get hard many times a day. She seems surprised and a bit irritated that I get such thoughts in those situations. I am so embarrassed and do not exactly know what to do.
Do any of you empathize with me? Have you or your husband experienced anything like this? How did you get out of it? Is it abnormal? Should I/we seek medical help?
Appreciate your thoughts and your sharing your experience.
Dude. Your "problem" is not odd at all. Your body makes semen, which is stored in an organ called the vas deferens. When that gets full, your brain tells your penis to get hard to make it easy for you to have an orgasm and relieve yourself. When your vas deferens is full, something as mild as seeing the outline of your wife's breasts or butt under her clothes, or the figure of any halfway attractive woman for that matter, will trigger an erection.
Like the frog in the pan of water on the stove, you have become used to the status quo and don't realize it, but [it sounds like] your marriage is in crisis. Sex is the ONLY thing that makes a marriage a marriage. Anything else married couples do — sharing a household, raising children, etc. could be done with anyone.
It's been in crisis the whole time you have been married. Sex once a month is not normal. In a typical marriage, the husband wants it more often than the wife, but the wife makes herself available to her husband even when she doesn't need sex. Sex several times a week is not unusual. The wife 'puts out' not only because it is the proper, Biblical thing to do, but because she realizes that a sexually-satisfied husband will be easier to live with, more successful at work, and unlikely to stray. Yes, life is busy. But you must make the marriage a priority and have sex even if the children or your jobs suffer a bit.
We need some more information to be better able to advise you. So some questions:
*How is her overall attitude about sex? What was she taught about sex growing up?
*When she was 'putting out' once per month, was she desirous of sex? Did her vulva lubricate? Did she orgasm?
*Is there any possibility that she is having an affair?
You ask should you seek medical help? By all means! It could be a simple matter of low testosterone which is easily fixed. But would she actually GO to a doctor? I am guessing not. As is usually the case in situations like yours, hormones are only a part of the problem. I think before this is all over, you will need not only medical attention but marital and spiritual counseling.
You are rather ignorant of the functioning of your bodies and the place of sex in a Christian marriage. I don't say this to be mean or make you feel bad. Our whole society is surprisingly ignorant in sexual matters. Where would you have learned these things? So start by doing some reading. The book Sheet Music is a decent Married-sex-101 book. It covers the basis of how our bodies work, basic sexual technique, and most importantly, the importance of sex in marriage.
Don't settle for the status quo. You don't want to raise your daughter in a sexless marriage. You need to set a good example so that she will have a good marriage. There will probably be a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth before it is resolved. But you have a moral obligation to God to do everything you can to not only save your marriage but have a loving, vibrant marriage. You don't want to raise your daughter in a sexless marriage. If you can get your wife on board with this goal, you will succeed, and she will thank you for what you did.
ILoveMarriage- I find a lot of your comments to this post offensive but especially this statement, "The wife 'puts out' not only because it is the proper, Biblical thing to do, but because she realizes that a sexually-satisfied husband will be easier to live with, more successful at work, and unlikely to stray." Talk about a way to really turn-off your beloved.
Having been married 34 years, I know to be successful in a marriage, you need to communicate, be respectful, loving, compromise, and be understanding. Demanding your right to sex does NOT fall into any of it.
siciliandragon2005 – my suggestion is communicate in a loving way your concerns, ask her concerns, tell her you love her and want to know how she feels. As you and your bride travel your journey together, things change and communication is key. Once you and her get some of these things answered, work to determine a compromise. My husband and I talked and worked together to determine a compromise that works for both of us. In my relationship, I am the partner with the higher sex drive.
I agree with the suggestions below from hornyGG, Southernheat, and CHL.
We doubt that ILoveMarriage would communicate the same way to his spouse as to another guy. It may be that these *are* his wife's reasons or what he asssumes they are. They are not every woman's reasons.
Though I agree with some of what you said however the comments were stated in a very abrasive way. You don’t demand your wife to put out and expect anything to come of your marriage. You don’t marry just for sex! Sex is a wonderful part of the entire package. You marry for a companion who loves you unconditionally. With that love, respect and trust builds an intimacy and sexual fulfillment increases as our love grows. It all comes to the Biblical teaching the golden rule treat others as you would want to be treated. Love your spouse with everything you got! Communicating Nina key
Thanks for reading my comment and for your comments. I apologize for my crude language. Please substitute "be a generous spouse" or "make love primarily to fulfill your spouses need" for "put out."
But please don't put words in my mouth. I never suggested that Dragon demand anything. I totally agree with talking, unconditional love, building trust, etc. If Dragon hasn't already tried that, I hope he does and that it works for him.
Hi ILoveMarriage,
Thanks for taking the time out to respond and for giving your view of the matter. Though, like few others, I do not completely agree to some of the thoughts you have shared.
First, let me try to answer your questions:
*How is her overall attitude about sex? What was she taught about sex growing up?: She is not a person who would openly talk about sex and sexuality in general. She probably thinks about it rarely, and I do not blame her for this at all. Every person is different and has all the rights to enjoying their sexuality to the extent pleases him/her. I know there might be low T issues and can probably be easily fixed. But I will never force it on her. If she needs help, I think I can be her best friend who can help her, and of course, I am not denying the effectiveness of professional counselling.
*When she was 'putting out' once per month, was she desirous of sex? Did her vulva lubricate? Did she orgasm?: Like I said she usually has very low libido. She is usually pretty dry as well. Having said that she does enjoy and desires sex, only in low frequency. She usually does get orgasm.
*Is there any possibility that she is having an affair?: No, and I trust her more than 100% on this.
Just to confirm, are you referring to this book?
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman.
After I posted this to MH, we openly started discussing this and we are seeing some improvements.
Thanks again for your response.
Siciliandragon2005,
Sounds to me like you are just one very horny man. Seems your wife has always had a very low sex drive that diminished even more after the baby was born. I am so sorry and sympathize for the situation you are in. Do you try talking to her about it? I have heard of couples whose sex drive greatly diminished after child birth and communication seems to be the key.
Do you masturbate? I know that it isn't the same as making love to your wife, but jacking off should help with the constant erections.
Be honest with your wife about how you feel and your desire to be intimate with her. Maybe suggest going to a marriage counselor. I don't know how your wife may feel about that, but it may be worth a try.
You obviously love your wife very much and that is a wonderful thing. Tell her you love her often and show her plenty of affection. Not necessarily in a sexual way, but a occasional hug or a sweet kiss. Compliment her often on her appearance. Little things like that may help make her a little more receptive to having sex with you. I am no therapist, but I am sure she loves you very much as well. I will be praying for you and hope God will intervene and bless your marriage bed with the love and Heat you so desire. God bless you brother!
?? GG
Hi hornyGG,
Thanks for your reply.
We have talked about this and are having regular conversations about this so that we can help each other. We are also trying to schedule sex if it doesn't happen spontaneously, like once a week to start with. Kept the option of going to a counselor open, in case our efforts do not yield any improvement. I do jack off when the abstinence takes too much of a toll of me.
Thanks for the suggestion, I have already started working on those and hope it will make it better.
Have you tried getting a babysitter and going away for a weekend? Maybe your wife is tired and having a hard time turning off mommy mode and switching to loving wife mode. I know one evening out wasn’t enough sometimes to get my mind relaxed and thinking of sex enough to just let go and enjoy. Does your wife feel attractive or is she unhappy with her appearance after having a baby? If she doesn’t feel sexy it’s hard to be sexy. It’s all a mindset; it’s not about weight or appearance but how she feels about herself? Is she dealing with any depression? Has she had her hormones checked? That plays a big role in her libido. Hormone levels and thyroid levels affect your interest in sex. Is your relationship good? Do you help her around the house and encourage her?
You are normal to want to have sex with your wife; you should be having sex often. She should want to please you and make you feel wanted and special. You both need not only the physical release but the intimacy and closeness the bond that is created when you have that intimate time together. Have you set aside some time to open up and have a discussion about what you need and how rejected you feel? Have you asked why she doesn’t desire that closeness? If there isn’t a physical reason, then is it emotional or how she was brought up to think about sex? Communication is a big key to this. Is God the center of your marriage? Pray for each other pray for your marriage, seek counseling. Sex is a gift from God and is part of why you marry; it’s part of the package. We’ve each had our times where sex was more difficult because of stress in life but we understood the importance of it for the other partner and always tried to accommodate each other. I will be praying for your marriage! Blessings to you.
Well said Southernheat!
Hello Southernheat,
Thanks for your reply.
That's a very good idea and I have thought about it as well. I am making some plans to take her away from the daily chores.
About your point of her not feeling sexy, she does sound worried about not being in shape and also started working out to get back to how she was before. Though I am constantly keeping her assured that her love and care is all I notice, and that's enough for me to get attracted to her.
Checking her hormones is advice I get constantly. We haven't done that yet. We have talked about it.
We have started having conversations about it and making conscious efforts to make it work. We have planned to do scheduled sex, at least once a week if that doesn't happen spontaneously. We are trying to help each other in this. Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.
Regards.
Biblically speaking, I agree that sex is an integral part of marriage. Depending on the translation, it is called a "duty," an "obligation," a "right," or a "need" of BOTH partners. If your wife doesn't want sex at all, that's not at all good. Even if one were unable to have sexual relations, there are things both can do to still provide for our spouse's needs – emotional and physical. Maybe the first step should be to investigate the myriad possible reasons behind why she doesn't want to.
I know that, for us, during a time when I was wholly uninterested in sex, my husband felt bad about even trying. It felt worse for him to receive "duty sex" that it did to just take care of himself. But what that said to me was that he didn't really desire me or care why I was feeling the way I was. Because I had a hard time climaxing, I felt performance anxiety, which made me not want to try. So in my mind, sex became all about getting him off as quickly as I could. It wasn't until he *talked* to me (without anger, but showing his honest hurt) about needing to feel desired, needing me to want that closeness and intimacy with him, and how my resignation about sex made him feel, that things began to change.
I was able to express to him that sex felt like one more thing on my to-do list, one more demand. And we came up with ways for me to feel his love for me outside of sexual contact. When I got words of affirmation and value for the non-sexual things I did — mommy-ing, housewife-ing, finances, etc. — and compliments on my appearance, and physical affection without the expectation that I would "put out", these built the foundation for the emotional trust I needed to feel "in the mood". Eventually, I learned to enjoy the pleasure even if I didn't orgasm and focus on the love and emotion of the act. He learned not to feel disappointed or guilty if I didn't cum, since it wasn't really the point for me (at the time…) That took the pressure off for me and I eventually got better at it.
But vitamins and the hormones they effect were definitely playing a part, too. I don't think a doctor would have seen a "deficiency," but my mood changed a lot with Vitamin D and B-12 supplements.
All that to say, SD'05, that you are perfectly normal and your wife may need some emotional or nutritional or other help. But it has to start with an honest conversation along with an unselfish desire to help her feel her best and for you both to enjoy the best marriage you can.
I pray that she will meet you halfway with the same attitude. She may have been raised to think good girls don't want sex; they only do it for their husbands and to make babies. Clearly, that isn't what the Bible teaches, at least as I understand it. I think Les and Lesley Parrot and Dani Johnson are godly resources and there are other's, too. Maybe starting with the most reserved sources is a good idea?
I agree with CHL taking the performance issue out of the equation made a big difference. During menopause I couldn’t orgasm and husband stopped wanting to even try to have sex didn’t want to hurt me didn’t want to work at it so hard. I felt pressured to orgasm when I just wanted to enjoy the closeness. Once Convinced him to stop worrying so much about making me happy just enjoy playing together things really started to improve of course addressing the physical reasons as well to fix the issue.
Hi CrazyHappyLoved,
Appreciate the detail you have put in your thought and suggestions.
We are indeed trying to meet halfway and making conscious efforts to do that and will keep your advice in mind.
Thank You! Regards.
Dude. Yes. I’ve been there. Not quite as extreme as your situation, but my wife’s sex drive pretty much vanished after having each child (and usually after a high libido pregnancy). The first couple of kids we had, the downturn in sex were some of the most difficult months/years of our whole marriage. The last couple of children, I completely changed my attitude and was a better communicator— and it helped tremendously. I told my wife openly that I planned on masturbating… a lot — and it was mostly so that she wouldn’t have to feel the burden of my high sex drive on top of newborn care. She was VERY happy with our plan. It really was a burden that made her keep her distance (unintentionally). Now we are done having kids, and life is leveling out. Her sex drive is slowly returning… and guess what… we’ve become completely open and comfortable about masturbation and love doing it together. I believe… There is a light at the end of the tunnel!!
Hi Pacman,
Appreciate your words of advice. We have started communicating about the situation and trying to help each other to get it back to normal. Masturbating is indeed an option we talked as well, as long as it stays healthy.
Regards.
No comment. We've been married too long and our oldest is 34.
After our child was born, I experienced PPD and with it a drastic change in libido. I was always the higher drive partner and when I was going through this, it was very stressful for me and hubby. After a couple of doctor visits and the right medicine, plus some very difficult conversations, we got back on track
Hi Slinger,
Keeping good hope that things will be better for us in the coming days.
Stay blessed. Regards.
Hello Everyone,
I was not able to get into Marriage Heat for quite some time and now I see a lot of you replied a long time ago. Let me read them all in detail and answer your questions.
Thank you a lot for taking your time and for your suggestions.
Regards