I Feel Like a Failure As a Christian Wife
As a Christian wife, reading and learning from MH has been a blessing. Before I officially joined, I would read the stories by other Christian couples and think, “Wow, that’s amazing!” I grew up in church and was homeschooled, so I’m still learning. I never realized there was so much more to sex. It’s like a hidden world beneath. Different positions, lovemaking, outdoor, indoor, hotel, oral sex, toys, etc. I never knew there was more to come for my husband and me. However, I can’t help but feel like a failure as a Christian wife. My husband and I are still learning. We’re young.
I got married at 18. We’re open to trying new things. I just can’t help but feel like a failure because no matter what we do, I’ve never orgasm. I did not know what one was until after we got married and I found MH. Orgasms sound so exciting, and I never thought sex could feel any better, but just reading about them makes me want to discover them. My husband tries so hard to get me to an orgasm, but I’ve never had one. I do love it when he cums in me, but he feels sad he can’t make me cum. I feel like I’m a failure because clearly, God created orgasms for us to enjoy, but maybe it’s not meant for me to have one. I also feel pressure from my husband to have one. Even when he finishes, he keeps going to try to make me cum, but I just can’t.
He also feels like something is wrong with him because he can’t make me orgasm. So sex is becoming more and more pressure about getting me to orgasm. I always say sex feels good with or without one, but deep down inside, I feel like I’m a failure for not having one. We’ve been married three and a half years already, and I don’t know if I’ll ever have one. I’m wondering how long it will take or if I should just accept I’ll never orgasm.
Dear honeymooners, you are not a failure as a wife! I am glad you have found Marriageheat and it's family of contributors. They are a wealth of helpful information. As for you not having an orgasm, you are not alone. My wife taught the female half of our young married Sunday School class, and wives just like you admitted they never had an orgasm even after 2-3 years of marriage. In the security of a women-only class, she instructed them to pleasure themselves and not wait or expect to have a vaginal orgasm during intercourse. It seems those are rare. Clitoral orgasms, on the other hand, are not rare. In Song of Solomon 2:6, the writer describes a sexual embrace that she, my wife, strongly encouraged the women to adopt. Here, Solomon and his bride are both naked and are lying next to each other with his arm under her neck and head and his hand caressing her clitoris. In this position, she could be brought to arousal and climax by clitoral stimulation. If manual stimulation fails to bring you to a climax, I am sure a vibrator will. My wife loves her Hitachi Magic Wand. We call it the Queen of all vibrators. I am sure many of the sexually sophisticated ladies here at Marriageheat will add their advice as well. You may also consider speaking of this to your female doctor who will have excellent advice and resources to refer you to. I hope this helps. God wired you to have and enjoy as much sexual pleasure (explosions) as your husband. Don't stop working on this until you do. Lord bless.
Thank you so much!
First of all, you're not a failure. The fact that you've made a post asking for advice shows that you want to improve. It's sad but it's actually quite common for women to have never experienced an orgasm 🙁
There's an interesting documentary on Netflix which goes into detail about the history of the female orgasm which is a lot more "complex" than the male one, hence why we have to work so much harder to figure out what gets us off.
Now, I'm not married (or anything close to it, for that matter) but my advice would be to masturbate to understand what helps you orgasm. Touch yourself, find out what feels nice without the pressure from your husband to orgasm. (But I'm sure if you tell him you need some alone time to make your together time better, he'll approve 😉 )
I started masturbating when I was 18 and it took me a while to figure out what worked on my own. There was a lot of trial and error, but eventually, I figured it out and it feels awesome.
However, from what I'm understanding from your post, I have to ask if you are getting enough clitoral stimulation? That's pretty key for 85% of women to have an orgasm. Penetration often isn't enough. If your hands aren't giving you enough pressure maybe invest in a small bullet vibrator. That might be what you need to push you over the edge. If you're not comfortable with sex toys, if you have access to a detachable shower-head use the different pressure settings to stimulate your clit. The build-up may feel weird at first but keep pushing through it and it'll be worth it. Every woman is wired differently so these tips may or may not work for you but hopefully it's a useful starting point.
Thank you. I think touching myself is something I'm scared to do because I haven't done it before. I also wouldn't know what to do or if I'm doing it right.
"I think touching myself is something I'm scared to do because I haven't done it before."
That might be part of the issue too. You're scared to touch yourself but it's not something that should be scary. If sex isn't scary to you, there is no reason why touching yourself should be. With that logic, sex also would have been scary for same reasons when you did it the first time "because you'd never done it before" but it's turned out great and you're clearly enjoying it. So don't let fear block you from what should be a pleasurable thing to do.
"I also wouldn't know what to do or if I'm doing it right."
The diagrams mentioned by others about the female anatomy would help. But as long as you know where your clit is, I suggest starting there. There are plenty of articles on masturbation techniques/solo play etc. When I was learning how to masturbate, no one taught me. I've been single my whole life, so this was just me trying to figure out what works in the comfort of my bedroom. I knew that touching my clit felt good but I struggled for a while to get over the edge. So I treated it like revising for an exam. I went on the internet and researched about techniques. Just like if I was stuck on something in maths or science, I'd look it up on the internet so that I could get better. You have to be willing to put in the effort to find out what works. Try and try again. You may feel absolutely nothing the first few times but it should feel nice. Just keep at it and don't give up. Orgasms don't come as easy to women as they do for men because the stimulation we need is different.
Try getting a clitoral orgasm first. These are much easier to attain. Then move onto vaginal ones. However, when having sex with your husband, try positions where clitoral stimulation is easy. Maybe spooning since your your husband is free to explore your body. If you've achieved clitoral orgasm, show your husband how so that he can replicate it during sex.
Good Luck
Oh dear. So sorry to hear you have yet to experience orgasm. As I write this I see no other replies are posted up yet, but I'm sure many will reply. So what I write here will likely have already been said or will be repeated.
First off, you are NOT a failure. Don't even go there. Nobody is an expert at anything until they are taught the ways and processes, and then are able to practice. There is a saying "practice makes perfect", however, if you're not taught the right way in the first place, no amount of imperfect practice will produce something perfect. So until you and your husband learn some things about how to induce orgasm in you, don't sweat it. Sometimes it is harder to learn and achieve for some people, but it is not impossible.
Second, stop pressuring yourself to orgasm. The more a woman is under pressure to orgasm, the more likely she is to NOT orgasm. Orgasm usually occurs when you relax and give in to the sensations you are experiencing.
Third is a question…are you attempting to orgasm ONLY from penis in vagina sex??? Most women need the clitoris to be stimulated for orgasm to happen, and that is located on the outside. Some women say they have never experienced orgasm from vaginal penetration or stimulation, yet they are able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
Sex is a process that often can start in the morning with just some flirting between you and your hubby throughout the day with special hugs and touches or text messages that are designed to build anticipation of sex later on. Try wearing sexy lingerie all day to help yourself feel sexy, or wear no panties or bra at all; it has a similar effect. Before sex, have a hot bath or shower to clean up and relax. Again, wear something sexy afterward, maybe some perfume, low lighting/candles, soft music, whatever sets the 'mood'. Then maybe have hubby give you a nice massage that relaxes you even further. That massage can slowly turn erotic, getting your juices flowing. When he finally gets to your clit, have him go slow and gentle and don't change the speed or pressure unless you tell him otherwise. Take deep breaths. Kiss. Have him fondle or kiss your nipples. Most women will say their nipples are hard-wired to their clit. Above all, just relax. Let all other thoughts in your head go away and just focus on the eroticism of the moment. His orgasm can wait. Let both of you focus on you.
My fourth suggestion is when you are by yourself, learn how to bring yourself to orgasm by masturbation. Touch your body in various ways in different places. Note what feels good to you. Bring yourself to orgasm. You said you have had good sexual feelings, but an orgasm is more intense and flows over your body. You should know when it happens. Once you are able to consistently get your self to orgasm time and time again, teach or even show your husband how you do it. DO NOT be shy about this!! You will be doing yourselves a favor by showing your hubby unabashedly how you can get yourself off. He will also find it a huge turn on, I'm sure, to watch you.
Lastly, have him get the book by Ian Kerner titled "She comes First". This book is a manual for men to teach them how to give PROPER oral sex to a woman. Again, do not be shy in letting your hubby go down on you. Stimulating a clit with mouth and tongue is usually a sure-fire way to induce orgasm unless of course it is done wrong or either of you has hang-ups about doing it. Self-consciousness is a killer of orgasms.
So like I said before, relax and let go; just let it happen. Have fun. When you try too hard, it won't happen. And sometimes, it's ok if you don't orgasm, it doesn't have to happen every time. Also, you may want to consult with a gynecologist, just to check out to see if your physically fine or not.
Not all women orgasm from PIV sex, but I believe ALL women are capable of experiencing orgasm with the right kind of stimulation, especially external. Good luck and don't beat yourself up any more.
Thank you so much. Very informative. I didn't know there were different orgasms. I thought there was only one. I feel bad I never had one and my husband wants me to have one.
Good Question. You ARE meant to orgasm. Try some of the advice given. My wife uses the magic wand every time we have sex. Masturbation is important too. Learn what feels good to you and use that also. But, most importantly, relax and have fun. It will really feel good. You'll love it!!!!
Thank you. I never masturbated before or considered toys but I think I'm open to it. I just want my husband to give me one.
I second the recommendation of “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner.
Thank you
Hi Honeymooners! My wife and I share a story similar to yours (homeschooled, married for 2 years now, etc.). I will say, it takes more work than we thought it would to be good at pleasing each other. The last two years have been a pretty steep learning curve for us as far as sex goes, but it gets better if you work at it! A couple things that we have found to be very helpful are recognizing that we have different sex drives, what turns each other on (fantasies, foreplay, positions, etc.), and masturbating in order to get more in touch with our individual sexual response. Starting with that last point… I would recommend investing in a quality vibrator–play with that every chance you get. Try manually stimulating your clitoris–take the time and figure out what works for you. Once you start to get a better understanding of the type of stimulation you need in order to cum, you can begin to teach your husband. I would encourage him to be patient–it can be tough to not want to give up and just get in doggy style and thrust away, but it's worth it ;). Learning how to please my wife has been an awesome journey–frustrating at times for sure–but I know that it will be worth it in the long run. Talk about sex with each other and figure out what fantasies each of you have. What do you like? What do you not like? Lastly, one resource that has helped my wife is a site called OMGYes. If you are not opposed to some nudity, it is very informative and was clearly not made to be erotically stimulating. The site features many women describing and showing how they masturbate. I understand that this could be a stumbling block to some, so please use caution and your own judgement, but that said we have found it helpful. Overall, don't compare yourself to others, pray about your sex life, pray for each other–that God would allow you to understand your bodies better. Have fun!
[From MH – Another caveat with the site mentioned: it isn't targeted to Christians. Most of the ladies interviewed and demonstrating are unmarried but sexually active, and they talk about their sex lives some. Some are not monogamous and a few are not heterosexual. Just something to be aware of.]
Thank you. So cool to meet w fellow homeschooler too. We're still learning. I can't believe there's so much more to sex. Thanks for the link and the warning MH.
A website called Married Christian Sex Here has quite a few articles about orgasms. Try the search term "All About Female Orgasms (Safe Diagrams)" There may even be more under their orgasm tag. I haven't read all of these, but hopefully some will be helpful.
[From MH: Per our guidelines, we don't normally allow links to outside sources in the comments, but we found this one particularly well done and informative.
https://marriedchristiansex.com/blog/physical-techniques/female-orgasms-safe-diagrams/ ]
Thank you
Also try the sites called Intimacy in Marriage and Hot Holy Humorous. You may have to search for the term orgasm and keep paging when you do.
Thank you.
My wife and I had a similar problem, but we had an open line of communication where she felt comfortable telling me what was working and what was not. Here are a few points.
She was able to orgasm while on top of me (Cowgirl). We also used a position I called the “Jockey.” She’d be on top with her feet flat on the bed, and while we held hands she’d grind her pelvis and clit against my pelvic bone too. This resulted in an amazingly strong orgasm for both of us.
We learned how to have her orgasm through cunnilingus (eating her out), which we did a lot, and I only failed once to bring her through to orgasm.
MASTURBATION, MASTURBATION, MASTURBATION!!! If she couldn’t cum, we’d stop and I’d fondle her breasts, suck on her nipples, or caress her while she brought herself to orgasm. Plus later on in our marriage, she had a condition that stopped us from having sexual intercourse, so masturbation was our only option until she passed away.
So communicate and experiment as often as possible.
Thank you. I'm also very sorry for your loss. I also didn't know you can orgasm if your husband goes down on you. We try different positions but nothing works.
Thank you, my wife was, and is now a true angel.
Regarding your surprise that orgasm can be reached by your husband going down on you. It requires that you remain relaxed and not tense about concerns of foul odor or other hygiene issues.
Advice for your husband. Take time getting to the vagina by kissing down from your lips, to the neck, breasts, stomach, and the surrounding area of your the vagina. He shouldn't be overly aggressive, nor passive while you’re both discovering the best ways of stimulating the clit.
For the wife, it’s important to know that you can orgasm, and self-exploration is key. Have your husband lay beside you, and while you pleasure yourself, he can be kissing your neck, breasts, and nipples, or just softly touching you so you do not get distracted.
Also while he is going down on you, he and you can both be active in breast and nipple play. My wife also would ask me to masturbate while eating her. One hand for a breast, one for my cock, and my mouth and tongue on her pussy.
As for sex positions. Try the “Jockey” position I mentioned. The firm contact of both of your pelvises, the visual excitement for you and your husband to have eye to eye contact, and the hand holding are a feast of sensuality.
First of all, you're not a failure, you're just in a learning curve right now. Sex gets better with practice and with knowledge. The most important thing is your love and intimacy and enjoying learning together. Try to keep it fun; don’t stress about the orgasm too much or you definitely won’t be able to. Relax, enjoy the moment, and tell him what feels good what doesn’t. You do need to masturbate and learn how to bring yourself to orgasm. That way you know what it feels like and know when he’s getting to the right spots, etc.
The book someone mentioned She Comes First is great info for your husband learning some techniques and better understanding how the female orgasm works.
Also, there is teaching by Jason Julius called the Blueprint of Orgasm. It’s not porn; it's geared for men learning how to please their partner. I have not watched the videos but I get his emails and I’ve watched some YouTube stuff from him. He gives specifics on gspot stimulation and oral sex techniques and what to do and what not to do to get your woman to orgasm. It’s some great info.
Keep having fun, enjoy the journey, educate yourselves as much as you can, communicate openly and honestly what you need, what’s working and what’s not. Don’t let ego get in the way. Fon’t either of you get hurt feelings when you share that something isn’t working or is uncomfortable.
Most of all, keep God first in your marriage and ask Him for direction and wisdom and to bless the intimacy part of your marriage! After all, God does want to give us the desire of our heart. Be Blessed and practice, practice, practice??
Congratulations on your marriage and more so on your desire to expand your sexual repertoire. Orgasms are amazing and you deserve them forever. Your comments lend me to believe you want your first orgasm to come from your husband and his efforts. I can relate. I gave my beautiful wife her first orgasm and the shock and amazement she expressed were priceless. Sounds like you and the hubby have some learning to do which is an amazing thing about being married. Exploration and learning about each other. You’ve been given a lot of advice. All good advice and in the beginning I thought the self exploration was the key but then your comments led me here. Relaxing is probably the biggest hurdle, don’t let the expectation override the orgasm. You know now that clitoral stimulation is probably a requirement and he can do that in sooooo many ways: my favorite is oral, but there are fingers, oral, toes, toys, etc. While his hand is doing what you need below, his mouth is free to explore above. Oh this all sounds so fun and brings back such amazing memories. Enjoy.
Yes. I want my husband to give me one. It's special. Thank you.
Hi Honeymooners–
I am a little late to the party — hope you see this.
Your basic knowledge about sex is very limited, and that is making sexual adjustment in marriage difficult for you. Don't feel bad — ignorance in this area abounds. Unfortunately, it just isn't talked about in polite society very often. My wife had to explain to a college-educated friend who was in her 50's and married for 30 years what the G-spot is.
There is a lot of good information on the internet, and the internet has brought about a societal change where we can openly discuss sex. However, I HIGHLY recommend getting a few books on basic human sexuality. Your library will have something. The standby for Christians is Kevin Leman's book Sheet Music. Read it together. It will get you up to speed on the basics of sex quickly, saving hours and hours of searching the web.
I want to reiterate what everyone else is saying about having an orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex. From my reading, about 80% of women cannot reliably if ever orgasm from intercourse. That has certainly been the case with us. In 35+ years of marriage, my wife has had a total of one first orgasm from thrusting my penis in her. (She became multiorgasmic later in life, and now sometimes has a second orgasm from intercourse.) Your clit is it, when it comes to orgasming. What works for us and a lot of other couples is me rubbing my wife's clitoris while sucking her nipples. Be patient — it can take an hour or more. Enjoy the journey! After she orgasms, then I enter her and have my orgasm.
Before we even start trying to give her an orgasm, there is a lot of foreplay — everything from back rubs to oral sex. Vulvas taste and smell fantastic BTW, not to mention looking very beautiful! (Well, I've only ever tasted my wife, but I am assuming :lol:)
It is important for your husband to understand that he cannot really give you an orgasm. It is all up to you. He is a tool, there to serve you. You need to discover what feels good for you through self-exploration, then direct him.
Folks have recommended vibrators. My wife prefers a device that isn't an actual vibrator, but repeatedly sucks on her clitoris with air pulses. Popular brands are the Womanizer and the Satisfyer Pro. We have the Satisfyer. It works fine and is cheaper than the womanizer.
Finally, if after a year or so you cannot orgasm, you might have low testosterone. I SERIOUSLY doubt this is the case. Given your age and lack of knowledge, I fully expect that over the next few weeks and months, as you learn about your body, it will happen. But if not, seek medical help. Your ordinary OB/Gyn is not going to be much help. Seek out a doctor trained in bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Go to the American Academy for Anti-aging Medicine and search for a doctor in your area. File this info away in your memory. You probably don't need it now, but if the Lord tarries and you grow old, you or your husband will likely need some help eventually 🙂
Look up OMGYES it is resource for women it talks about ways to interact with your body and talk about pleasure with your husband. I think you will like it as it makes you feel less alone sadly most women and man are under educated when it comes to sex. There are sexologist therapist that specialise in such matter if you feel it creating a negative effected.
Honeymooners – Since your last post was well over a year ago, I really hope some of the good advice you've been given by others on MH helped. Could you post a reply to let us know how things are going?
Honeymooners,
It has now been five years.
How has your sex life changed?
What advice would give to yourself before you married that you would give to other preparing for marriage?
Sarah K