The Longing
This isn’t a story, just some musing on my part and an invitation to discuss. I’ve said before that the Lord has given me complete contentment and fulfillment in the single life. If I remain single all my life, it’s fine. But sometimes I do get this intense longing to be cherished by a strong, good man. It’s more than sexual need. It’s a strangely tender emotion, a yearning to be in the arms and under the protection of someone who will guard and adore me. And I long to love, comfort, and walk alongside him. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him that no matter what, I will be at his side.
This feeling is almost sad to me; it’s as if I’m missing something. Yet most of the time, I’m content being alone, being unmarried. Maybe I’m a paradox. Only the Lord knows. I trust Him to guide me to the end He has prepared for me.
Do or did any of you experience this kind of dichotomy, content with whatever the Lord wills yet longing at times for a marital relationship that you accept may never come? How do/did you deal with that occasional internal conflict?
Hi LLL. Interesting post, and if I may, I would like to both congratulate you on your contentment and give you some advice. Although, I’m finding the advice hard to articulate. I think you know this, but choosing the right spouse, God’s person for you, is the singular most important decision you will make in your life outside of choosing Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. It would be better to live alone than to choose the wrong person. But if/when you choose that person, know that anything you put in front of God is an idol, and anything you put in front of that person will be a stumbling block. Marriage takes work, and if one or the other stops working, only misery and loneliness await. Choose wisely LLL. I’m not trying to scare you away, only encourage you to strongly seek God’s will. I follow a lot of preachers and the only message I seem to be seeing lately is, “Wait on the Lord, and be of good courage .” When it isn’t God’s will, there’s nothing you can do to force it, and when it is God’s will, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I don’t know if this helps, maybe it’s just my own musings…
Sorry LLL…maybe that was too heavy. I don’t really have the right to give you any unsolicited advice.
No, please don't apologize! I am grateful for the counsel. And I fully agree with it. I am already a very cautious person, and (with no disrespect towards good Godly men) am wary about men in general, only because of the stories I do hear about apparently Christian men who end up cheating or otherwise hurting their wives. I intend to be very careful and only proceed if God gives me clear direction. Thank you for all your posts and input. I learn so much from everyone on this site.
LLL, as we say in Spanish, “¡Que bueno!” – That’s good! From my perspective you are doing life right! You are keeping your faith. You’re striving to be content and making good things happen in your life. I appreciate your historical romances that you write.
That longing for marriage is God-given. When single it is appropriate for us to feel that longing. I was a struggling single dad at 29. My ex wife had decided that she couldn’t handle marriage or motherhood. So she left us. It was a real challenge and I longed for a wife to love me & the kids.
My wise sister told me to hang onto that longing. Life was a challenge and I made mistakes and as all of us I had to repent plenty of times.
I dated but things kept not working out.
I continued with my career and life with my kids. I never lost my faith & I prayed a LOT.
When I eventually was led to Melody & eventually realized what a treasure she was, that longing for a truly kind partner and lover was fulfilled- in our marriage. Our courtship and marriage have had their rough patches, but Melody & I are both committed to the Lord, to each other, to our kids, & now to our grandchildren.
Before we met, Melody had been praying for God to send her – at the very least – a male friend. We fell in love, but we became good friends first. So her prayers were answered and then some. We waited for sex between us, and as you know, our love-life has been amazing for 30 years now.
Melody adopted my children & they became OUR children. We would have liked to make a baby or two together, but that was not meant to be. (It was certainly not for a lack of trying.) But we have felt blessed and grateful for each other and for our kids & now grandkids.
Melody was in her early 40’s when we met & eventually married. I was in my early 30’s. We are so happy that we did not let our age difference nor me having kids preclude our relationship.
Like you are doing, before marrying, Melody was living her life to the fullest. She was a successful professional and faithful to the Lord. She had a good relationship with her extended family. She was a popular aunt. But like you, she felt that lingering longing for a spouse. She was willing to give her love & passion to me even though I had kids. She said that the kids weren’t a burden, they were a bonus!
Melody would have preferred to have married much younger. I would have preferred to not be a divorced single father. But when the Lord put us together, Melody and I found happiness and peace. I pray for you to find that in marriage- but really, you’ve found a large measure of happiness and peace now. So as I said before, “¡Que bueno!”
I love hearing you recap your story! It's so uplifting to read about God bringing together two people who maybe didn't expect to find true love. And I really like age-gap romances. Thank you for the encouragement. With the Lord's help, I will keep waiting and serving Him with my single years as your Melody was doing!
LLL, I think the advice from KingdomMan is spot-on; and I'd echo much of that. Reading your post, I was reminded of my own state in my 20s. I felt the longing you speak of, and (on reflection), I think that the longing clouded my judgement in a number of areas, including marriage. Often times, we also watch movies, look at friends, read stories on MH and have a very one-sided picture of how wonderful we think marriage can be. Certainly, it can be those things, but it can also be an incredible struggle and the biggest test of our faith in this life. But none of that fully resonates when you are single; at least, it didn't for me. I'd shrug and think 'easy for him/her to say. They are married!" So, the balance comes somewhere in the middle. Live your own life, be happy. Live it to the fullest and enjoy your friendships, your career, your spiritual life. If you feel that longing, remember that God helps those who help themselves! So if you are searching, tell friends, socialise, make it known in church that you wish to marry, and date if you like someone. In all this, though, remember that you are a precious, unique and beautiful soul who should never, even inadvertantly, sell herself short; know yourself and your relationship to the Divine, and that will surely guide you. Go forward with an open, hopeful heart. But do carry the awareness that KingdomMan wrote about, i.e., selecting a marriage partner is perhaps the single most significant choice you will make, so choose wisely as (whether good or bad) the consequences are life-long! I hope none of this sounds like a cliche and is of some use.
Thank you for your advice. It is so helpful! I will definitely be cautious in any relationship I may enter, and will, in the meantime, serve and grow where I am.
Good advice here, hard to follow sometimes. It's ironic that I submitted a discussion topic that touches on this the night before yours was published, dunno if it will be approved or not. I find that I have the opposite problem: when I was younger, I found it pretty easy (relatively) to stay single, focus on my own life and try to be an "adult" (whatever that means). And the longer that goes on, the more I wonder if I haven't subconsciously used that as an excuse to avoid being more proactive towards finding a mate. And I also wonder how much I've resented God for not "giving" me a spouse or at least girlfriend when I was really just living far too passively? Probably a lot of things in here I need to work through; in fact, I've decided that counseling or therapy of some kind might be in order. So maybe this is a way of being proactive, but really I find an increasing discontentment and unwillingness to remain single. And having the opposing attitudes of "Tis better to have loved and lost" and "It's better to be wise by the misfortunes of others," I'm just wondering where the middle ground is here.
Interesting viewpoint. I too am sort of in that "caught between two emotions". Sometimes I want marriage, other times (most of the time, I should say) I am fully happy not to go that route. Thanks for your input. I appreciate hearing a guy's perspective on this topic. I agree that counseling or therapy would be beneficial. I go to my pastor sometimes with random issues, and might ask him to give me "pre-premarital" counseling, so I can talk in person with someone about my hopes, desires, and fears concerning marriage.
I always wanted to be married and never believed I would be wanted for anything but a plaything. This led me to make some bad choices as a young girl/woman; I feel certain you aren't in any danger of that. Here is what I would advise based on my 32 years of marriage:
1. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage partner because there is no such thing as a perfect person. And we are not static beings; we learn and we grow, and often that comes through making mistakes. What is so much more important is that you are both committed to working through every one of those missteps together and not quitting on each other when the going gets tough. You will only have each other's word for that—and faith in each other. So get to know each other well and deeply.
2. Again, people change. That doesn't mean you can't trust them, only that your husband won't be "the man I married" his whole life—and you really wouldn't want him to be! But this is where your commitment comes in; it's not to the person and his current qualities but to the relationship and to the Lord. There may (will?) be times when that commitment is challenged. The best you can do is lean on the Lord and trust him to guide your partner and you back into each other's arms through, and not despite, those challenges.
3. Often, when we are waiting for the Lord to open a door for us and it seems to be taking forever, we don't notice the growth in our person that he is effecting in the meantime. It may be that both you and the one who will be your husband still have some learning to do, some things to go through or achieve before you will be ready to be the spouse the other will need. Trust His goodness and perfect timing.
4. Make some true friends along the way. In this technology-driven age, it's the interpersonal skills that suffer the most. And a strong marital relationship needs—no, it demands—strong interpersonal skills. It has been said that the deepest desire of the human heart is to know and be known, to love and be loved. If you can maintain deep, vibrant, transparent friendships, you are well on your way to a lasting marriage once you find the person with whom you'd like to add sex to the mix. I'm not saying your husband has to be your best friend, but he should certainly be one of them.
I'm praying for you, LLL. (And you too, FM.) This is a hard time to be searching for a life-long companion, and I hope only the best for you.
Thank you, I do appreciate it, and just the entire culture that's grown here. And you have added significantly to the solid advice already here. I remember reading on another post something similar to point #3 (might have even been written by you) and that attitude is where I need to be.
Loved your points! Number 2 really hit me where you said that a person needs to be committed to the relationship and the Lord, not the current version of their spouse. I will keep that in my mind. I admit that I fear being very let down or hurt by a man, though of course I know he will make mistakes. I guess the stories of men who seem so Godly and pure and yet who are seriously sinning (often in some sexual way) have scared me. Your 4th point hit home too. Yes, true, deep friends are so important, and many people are not investing in rich friendships. I want to do better at that.
From a man's perspective – this man – I can tell you what it felt like as a 'never married', which I was until almost the age of 36. For a long time, I doubted that I would ever get married, or that it could happen. Some of it was self-esteem issues, some of it self-care, some of it a lack of basic information about how things, and relationships, work. To top it off, I was not raised in a believing household. (That's the understatement of the year, and I have witnesses!)
Despite this, my parents were married for over 70 years. That's not a typo. So perhaps throw in impossible expectations. The list goes on. I didn't begin to get over "it can't happen to me" until I was 28 years old.
I said all that to say, if it can happen to me….well, I'll let you and anyone reading this finish that sentence. Also, your future husband (I'm speaking something as certain that only God has the final say over) will not be perfect. I know you know this, but living it up close is entirely different.
It will take time, patience, and a great deal of really listening to each other to understand what each of you is saying behind the words and the tone you both use. But it can happen. And so, all that said, I truly pray that you find the man of your dreams, and pray that that man finds you as well. All the best.
Thank you for that encouraging comment! I certainly agree that it can happen, even though it can take a long time. My brother-in-law is an example of someone who thought love would never arrive. Then he met my sister when he was 41. They are happily married and have a baby! He's super-encouraging to me and relates how he felt over those years of waiting. So I know…yes, there is always hope.
Thank you for your post. It gives me hope, hope I need so badly. For years I have prayed for exactly the kind of woman you describe.
Know this, the men you are seeking do exist. I pray that, if it is God's Will, you will find one.
I'm grateful for your prayers. I also pray for you and every single on here who is waiting on God's timing for a spouse. I'm glad if I can give you some hope. There are women out there who think and live as I do, i.e., according to God's Word. May He lead you to the woman who will complete you. And thank you for reminding me that there are good men out there. Sometimes I feel like they all died out on the 1950s and I'm stuck in the wrong era!
Man, this is good stuff! Such beautiful lives, here, beautiful stories! Sage advice given with such openness! Such honesty and transparency! Such faith! Wow.
You folks make me happy into the depths of my soul to be a human being—to read here of people, obviously re-sired of God (born again), who are discovering the mysteries of Jehovah in His re-creation of Us to be what He always wanted Us to be—good human beings, good at being human!
And that means relationship!
Ya’ll feel like a foretaste of The Kingdom of God.
Be pleased, if you will, then— LovelyLonelyLady, mi Lady—to choose your own best advice from this telling of my story.
Man, I was lonely.
Before I met MMG, I had set my heart to keep my conscience clean throughout my ugly, 15-month long divorce-cum-custody battle (one month spent for every year we were married) against a modern-medieval Christian woman who—convinced that I was of Satan—sought to destroy me.
I won custody of my children—by their choice.
But man, I was lonely. And headed fast toward two squared decades of living.
E-harmony was just getting off the ground, then.
And so, to them, I went.
One thing gradually led to another as electrons encrypted our words describing our thoughts, dreams, hopes and desires, and delivered them, privately, into the hearts of many like us—until we found each other and fell in love.
But it was work. Yeah. Man, it was work. Hard work.
Just as it should be, just as Adam and Eve worked the garden besides each other, nude, before they would go for a swim and play. Good, human work.
I was keeping my conscience shiny, as I had been doing throughout The Ordeal, and it was about to pay off big!
It was a powerful presentation put on by my God, Himself—through an unexpected song and a water-front sunset coincidence that only He could have arranged—a presentation that convinced me that I had received both my Father’s, and her’s, permission to marry her. Just as Paul said people like us should do.
But, with a vow. A yet unspoken vow to be virgin to each other till our wedding night. A vow we swore to our God before we ever met.
Therefore, it came to be that, having never met her, having never seen anything of her but a blurry, too-close and out-of-focus, grainy image of her head—with my contribution to her being a bungled nascent-technology generated image of an inhabited Tye-dye T-Shirt, and a mullet—she guessed that I was going to propose marriage when she flew in for us to meet each other face to face for the first time, after two months of sharing our hearts, intimately, righteously.
And she was, of course, correct.
I got the ring.
And she accepted!
And we were beautiful to each other—in every way. Every way possible. Especially after I got rid of the mullet.
And on the very day we met for the first time, I got professionally taken pictures of us, together.
And she didn’t think it was weird.
One of those pictures is of us holding hands across a table with our heads turned into the camera—an image of two of the most in-love, smiliest, joy-filled people you can ever meet, an image that now hangs across from our marriage bed, watching us grow up and grow old together.
And our limerence began. An in-love feeling that lasted 34 months. I know, I counted. And she confirmed. And now, we both just love, and like, each other, a lot.
And we got married ASAP, having kissed our first kiss, having spoken and honored the unspoken vow very soon after confessing our love.
But we were in no rush. With tenderness and respect for the wrenching trauma inflicted on our children’s souls through my decision to divorce their mother after her three kidnappings and my two attempts at reconciliation, we accommodated them until they were ready to try out MMG as their mother.
That other woman, their mother—with whom I was cast in my starring role as the other man in a modern-medieval Christian adultery drama—was not my Soul mate.
MMG is my Soul mate.
And I still believe this about us after eighteen years of marriage.
After allowing the sin of pornography into our marriage bed, Adam and Eve style.
After repenting of it and going through a seemingly necessary six-year long dry spell. After we picked back up our dusty bows and arrows and trained, once again, to hit the mark after both of our aims fell sadly short, after both of our aims regrettably missed the mark.
After a lot of work, hard, human work; after a lot of grace given, spurred on by the Spirit of Jesus, The Spirit of Our Father, inside of us; the very same Spirit that had re-sired us into children of the Kingdom of God before we ever met (John 3:1-21; I John 3:9); the very same Father Who cleansed us from all unrighteousness, once more, Who restored our souls, Who now makes mine and her cup to spill over, all over, each other, Song of Solomon style.
After eighteen years of raising three kids together—kids who grew well into their traumas, some with God’s invited help, but all with our prayers—kids who have become responsible adults that either married well or can maintain conjugal relationships wisely and thoughtfully—kids that make her and I proud to be their very human parents—we are truly One.
God, I love having adults for children!
God, I love MMG!
God, I love sex with MMG!
God… I love!!
And God, I love being good at being a good human being; a human being who, now, never tires of working to keep his conscience clean and shiny, as does MMG.
Thank you, my God and my King! For all you’ve done. I love You.
All Hail The Kingdom of God!
And to think, the best is yet to come.
Hm, yes. That dichotomy is tough. It is hard. I have times of contentment and wholeness, only for the burning fire to sneak up on me and pull the rug out under my feet. Of course under the rug is the foundation, which is Jesus, so when I fall, my face smacks into Jesus, haha.
But you asked how I deal with that dilemma, and it just depends on how strong the fire is burning. I prefer a soft coal burn, where the heat radiates through every corner of you… by which I mean that when I am at a place of wholeness, I know I still have the desire for a spouse, but I'm content to leave it be. But what happens when you sit by a fire-pit? All of a sudden the heat slams into you, your skin is like "woah!" and you move over. These times can be tough and feel lonely but thankfully they are shorter. Sometimes I'll try dating apps or sometimes I'll just read a bunch of fantasy to escape till it passes. I know I'll have a spouse one day, and I'll actively look on occasion, but after the fire cools down, I'm content to stop searching.
The transition to not feeling whole when desiring a spouse can be confusing. Cuz it's like, 'Wait, what? Wasn't I just at peace with God? Weren't we in seamless union?' The desire almost feels wrong at first, until I remember God made me with that desire & it is a very good gift from him. It still is a time of vulnerably trusting God and maybe some tears. Thankfully God never gives us more than we can bear.
Really interesting post LLL. I think for me personally the way I try and balance the desire for a husband and contentment for single life is honestly to live my single life to the fullest. Seeking out community which is something that we as women are more naturally better at has helped me immensely.
As someone who's never experienced romance—and at this point in my life, I don't see how it will add to my life in terms of being more fufilled—I take comfort in reading scriptures such as
2 Samuel 1:26: How I weep for you, my brother Jonathan! Oh, how much I loved you! And your love for me was deep, deeper than the love of women! AND
John 15:13 : Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
Marriage is a wonderful thing for those who experience it but there does seem to be an idolisation 9f romantic love as the greatest form of love when agape and friendship love is talked about a lot in the Bible. Friendships can be deep to the point where the only thing you don't do is have sex with that person as it's reserved for a husband and wife, and honestly I think that's more of what you need, deep friendships, people that you can rely on and would die for you. A spouse is not the only person that can make you feel safe and protect you. Friends can do that too. If we encouraged friendships more, we would probably deal with a lot of the issues of loneliness that is occurring in the Church today.
LLL, I have a different take on singleness vs marriage than most Christians.
Christianity has historically viewed singleness as a virtue, and God's preferred state for us. This is evidenced by the fact that the Catholic church does not allow clergy to marry. This attitude has carried over into Protestantism. Clergy is allowed to marry, but singleness is still placed on a pedestal. However, I believe that this is counter to scripture when taken as a whole, and that in the vast majority of cases, God does not want mature single adults to be content with their singleness.
Most of Christian theology on marriage and sex comes from a misunderstanding of 1 Cor 7. Verse 1, in most translations, says "Concerning what you wrote me, it is good for a man to not touch a woman." Well, there you have it! But not really. David Stern in his Jewish New Testament "Now to deal with the questions you wrote about: "Is it good for a man to keep away from women?" The New Living Translation, while putting Paul on record as agreeing with the Corinthians, does acknowledge that Paul was responding to a question: "Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations."
Did Paul agree with the Corinthians, or not? Yes and no.
Paul goes on to explain that, due to the current distress (7:26) it is preferable to remain single if you are not married. Theologian David Instone-Brewer says that there was a famine at that time (p. 72.) Getting married meant having and raising children, which is not easy in times of famine. But Paul goes on to say that those already married must stay married and fulfill their marriage vows, including sexual vows. Those who are single but are burning with passion may get married.
However, there is no reason to apply Paul’s preference for singleness in times of famine as general counsel for all people at all times. This counsel flies in the face of the rest of scripture. In Genesis 2:18, 24-25 God says, “It is not good for man (mankind) to be alone. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” No ifs, ands, or buts about it. But, you may say, that is Old Testament. True. But Jesus quoted that very passage. Paul was a pharisee, and would not have categorically contradicted the writings of Moses.
So, it's OK to long for marriage. It is a God-given desire that you really have no choice over. God doesn't want you to be content in your singleness.
Most single Christians are way too passive in finding a mate, as evidenced by the first responder to your post who said "When it isn’t God’s will, there’s nothing you can do to force it, and when it is God’s will, there’s nothing you can do to stop it." While I suspect KingdomMan is using some editorial license, and is true that God does involve Himself in our major life decisions, we do have a great deal of freedom in our lives. God guides us in our career choice, but we have to do the hard work of preparing ourselves for it. God does indeed help those who help themselves!
We work very hard on our education and careers but put way less effort into the even more important decision, selection of a spouse. I read that 90% of the members of Christian Mingle are nonpaying members. I suppose there are a few individuals who cannot afford the $30 per month or whatever, but in most cases, that is evidence of misplaced priorities.
For sure, it is better to remain single than end up with the wrong person. There are no guarantees, of course. But that shouldn't dissuade anyone from pursuing marriage. ( I recommend the book The Good News About Marriage by Shaunti Feldhahn. The failures and misery in marriage is blown way out of proportion. Certain classes of people, such as churchgoing Christians, have a very low divorce rate, and in no case does it approach the 50% that everyone quotes. And contrary to popular opinion, most marriages are happy.)
So put yourself out there. Use modern tools to let Christian guys know you exist. At the same time, know that you are quite a catch and that you can afford to be selective. Cast a wide net in the right pond. Don't be afraid of long-distance relationships. (It's simple geometry—there are exponentially more candidates within a 200-mile radius than a 100-mile radius. I'm not suggesting a 200-mile limit, just an example. I met my wife in college, but she was an international student, and most of our engagement was over about 10,000 miles, without the internet.)
While you shouldn't be content with your singlehood, you can and should be happy. I think if you market yourself wisely, you will find someone. There are no guarantees, though. If you do remain single the rest of your life, you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried.
There is another benefit to dating. I got a great wife out of the deal, but I also made several good, lifelong friends along the way, whom I did not marry for one reason or another but did remain friends. And while dating is no substitute for marriage—I do not miss dating at all—it was an enjoyable experience for the most part. If you are single, dating is preferable to not dating, in any case.
But I do hope you find someone. A dedicated Christian, a virgin, yet who knows how her body and mind work and is not ignorant of how men work? It would be a shame for some good man to not be getting any of that 👍.