Keep That to Yourself! – Discussion on Publicly Complimenting your Spouse
There is an online article titled, Stop Calling Your Wife Hot.
It’s in the title. It opens…
“’If I hear one more Christian guy call his wife hot (every time he talks about her), I’m going to throw a plate at the wall.’ I suggested that he actually throw the plate at the guy calling his wife hot, or “smokin’ hot” for that matter (tongue in cheek, of course). Maybe it would knock some sense and normalcy into them.”
This is the basic attitude throughout. It asserts calling your wife hot to other people is awkward—that agreeing with the person would be really weird—basically, that such public statements make people uneasy. They feel they can’t disagree, and ignoring is rude. They’re put in the position of having to figure out, “Do you really want us trying to determine if your wife is, in fact, hot?”
They author asserts that calling attention to her hotness doesn’t honor her. Rather, it creates an opportunity for others to judge. It makes her a standard of beauty for others—something we really shouldn’t want to do, because others may agree, or disagree, possibly in public.
It also says it objectifies her, by talking this way, possibly causing others to do so too.
The article tells us it is good for people to know you are attracted to her and want only her, but corrects a person to keep the hotness talk inside the walls of your home. They say it is only between you and her, and that this kind of public talk is no good for anyone.
Is this correct? Should such talk be kept to ourselves? If so, why? If not, why not? What do you think? Does anything specific come to mind? What is your reaction? Agree? Disagree? Or, maybe this brings up another point you wish to make.
Women, wives, men, husbands, would you write an article like this, or would you say something else? What is your reply to this writer?
I will share my thoughts with any other replies, once this posts. Thanks for reading & responding.
Christ is all & in all.
A good comment to make about one’s wife is, “She is a blessing.”
My first thought was “Puhleeeze!” I am referring specifically to the article you read. The author of that article is a prude in at least some ways . Too many Christians still seem to have a negative view of marital sex. They treat married sex like it’s dirty instead of sex in marriage being glorious and God-given & even God-commanded.
When one of my married kids talk about or describe their spouse in a sexy manner I am very pleased they feel that way. And I have heard my daughter refer to her husband as hot. He was there in the room and didn’t seem offended at all. In fact he was pleased.
I would hope that both wife n husband would be pleased to be called or referred to, by their spouse, as “hot!”
Sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the husband probably doesn’t expect an automatic evaluation of his wife’s hotness from the listener. So I disagree with the article and I really think Christians would benefit from complimentary sexy statements to & from their spouse.
I think this is something that is between a husband and wife. No one ever puts me in a position to have to publicly agree or disagree with them. We can always refrain to weigh in when we don't want to. If the couple enjoys that kind of thing and it leads to lots and lots of biblically based horny sex between them, then so be it. If one doesn't like it, then they can discuss and find other ways to fuel their passion for each other.
In my life, I choose only to publicly comment on her overall beauty and sweetness.
Just one other thought is that I don't think it is objectifying at all to be turned on by one's wife. She should be the inspiration of her husband's boners. People who want to make everything out to be a power play are falling prey to the devil. A wife should be proud of the fact that she gets his loins boiling as he should be of inspiring hers.
ISH I gotta agree with you 100%! We are SUPPOSED to be turned on by our spouse! That includes their personality, intelligence, and yes our physical sexual attraction to them!
I get it, it's become cliche in the church, but Cal better introduce me as hot. like everytime lol. I want people to know he's still attracted to me. The author is missing the point. Be attracted to your own wife and let the world know
Amen!
I agree. I know that when I say things like that about Julia she lights up.
Couldn’t disagree more with the author of the article.
The former Governor of a Midwestern state, publicly referred to his wife as ‘smokin’ hot, and there was not a single bit of criticism. He and his wife, are members of a prominent and well known evangelical mega church.
My wife, I’m her 70s, is smokin’ hot and is a compliment to her and I’m not (fill in the blank) to say so . . . in church!
A woman is so much more than the implication of referring to a wife as hot. When a man refers to his wife as hot, he implies he is only interested in the part rather than the whole.
I disagree Frankie. I know that is what the media says. Yet, I can't separate the part from the whole. I don't see body parts as objects only. My wife is God's daughter. A whole wife to me that has some places on her that sing louder at times than others. Solos in the choir.
I looked up the article so I could read it in its entirety. It sounds like a cranky old man talking to a bunch of young bucks, honestly, and I wouldn't take it too seriously. If you exchanged the word "hot" for "gorgeous," "beautiful," or "stunning," would he be complaining so vehemently? It's fine to tell others that you think your spouse is hot, it's communicating how much you're in love with them, and a form of thanks to God for giving you such a fitting gift to you!
I didn’t read the article, but it sounds like one guy trying to impose his own sense of propriety onto others.
Personally, I think every guy should compliment his wife in front of others, be that hot, smokin hot, sexy, beautiful, or whatever other adjective comes to mind.
I have a view different to what most others here are expressing. I am not judging or putting my personal standard on others but sharing simply what my husband does. He rarely physical touches me aside from an arm around my shoulder, small of back, or for assistance. Hugging and kissing are such private actions, so hugging can be done in front of others but kissing. This is an anonymous (to extent) forum so I am comfortable sharing as is he here, but using language to describe the allure of spouse is not something either of us would do. I think "hot" is very different as it is much more sexual than "elegant" or "handsome" in the general usage of these words. Desirous objectification versus admiration, is how we view.
I am not for pushing my standard on others but culturally in our family this is how I have seen it, and that is normal and comfortable for us!
Respect. Well made point.
Guess I'm an old prude, or whatever, as i'd never refer to my wife as "hot " to anyone, except maybe t her. I may comment on my love for her, what a great person she is, kind, helpful, a good friend, a strong Christian, but calling her hot would not be a way I'd describe her to any others. Attractive, beautiful, seem more respectful to my ears.
The Bible tends to make no bones about whether a woman was pretty or a man was handsome.
As an example:
Genesis 29:17 (ESV)
Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance.
There are a handful of passages that describe a man or a woman as an attractive person. This does shine light on the motive of a person, good, or bad. Whether a king took a man's "sister," or it is a husband's notice of his potential wife. God just does not shy away from it.
This article is a symptom of weakness. People, in general, possibly more christians, scare when it comes to attraction, or who is attractive.
This writer assumes the high moral ground. So, he judges public display of affection as wrong. I believe he is in the wrong for his harsh judgement. If we christians are to honor the marriage bed does that mean to only speak of it in very rare clinical terms or to say nothing at all? I wouldn't think so. Aren't we christians supposed to honor God with praise, let our mouth share what is in our heart about God. I would think it proper to honor the marriage bed the same way, or at least a little bit more, with our speech, than we do.
I mean, seriously, how many shows, movies, books, or songs do we discuss about the vulgarities of sin with close friends, or even family. Yet, calling out your wife or husband as a hot commodity that does it for you is wrong?
No. It's not. Who is wrong are the weak minded people that think sex is a secret.
This past Thanksgiving I asked my mother-in-law if it was ok to say my wife was hot. Right there loud enough for all in the room to hear. My wife smiled as if to take a compliment, quietly. My MIL, being in her 70's, stumbled over it, but did not tell me no.
Another time, my wife & were celebrating an anniversary at a very nice expensive restaurant. The waiter asked if we were celebrating anything & I told him. He asked me what the secret to a long marriage was. I said, with my wife sitting across from me, God, marrying my best friend, & sex. He stammered over the last one. But, he recovered & understood. He appreciated what I said. And, my wife did, too. She smiles with a shy turn of her head, whenever I may do this. But, in 30+ years of marriage she has never complained, told me to stop, nor took it as vulgar.
Today, I feel we the stronger must bear with the weaker. We just can't go out & be ourselves sexually. And, I am not talking in sinful ways. I believe if God does it we should, too. Today, christians are training to turn & run from sex. That is training for weakness.
Strength stands firm & grows as the God created person they are. But, today that can get you cancelled, labeled, or worse. It is a shame because we are teaching the next generation to run & hide from God sex, while sinsex steps up to the mic & camera without a tinge of blushing.
This writer should be as strong as those who publicly honor their marriage bed. And, keep his weakness to himself.
If I get married, it would be music to my ears and my heart to have my husband describe me as hot, beautiful, sweet, kind, sexy, selfless, gentle, gorgeous…any and every loving term. The world needs to see Christian couples acting like they actually possess a gift in being married, not as if they're ashamed and keeping their sexuality secret. No wonder everyone jokes that "married people don't have good sex" or "once you get married, the fun's over". Lord willing, I will undo that image to the best of my ability! I understand it if people don't choose to do it publicly, but at least make sure you're doing it in private. And don't be afraid to give hints to people to let them know that you find your spouse to be your dream come true and the object of your desire.
I agree and my wife agrees (I just read her this one)
Aw, c'mon folks.
This post wasn't written in a vacuum, it's in response to something very real in our culture. And I think some are working pretty hard to be angry at something that's either not targeting them, or making them feel uncomfortable.
Yes, the Bible does speak plainly about people's attractiveness. The most relevant example I can think of to the original post is that of king Xerxes in the book of Esther. He praised his Queen Vashti, and told everyone how hot she was! And anyone who thinks the way he did that was wholesome not objectifying should read the story again.
This is why the phrase "trophy wife" exists! It's why the trope of having affairs with secretaries exists. Choosing to focus on a woman's physical attractiveness as their *primary* attribute feeds that story – that a woman is only as valuable as her attractiveness to men. Surely, surely, this is what is being spoken of in the original post. I think a reader would have to work hard to read this another way.
*Of course* it's possible to describe your spouse as attractive to you in a humanizing, affirming, honoring way.
I'm no prude: I tell my wife how attractive she is to me in many ways!
But here's the thing; her physical beauty is just one of many reasons I am drawn to her. She is a noble woman, of strong and Godly character. She is a true "ezer", a necessary ally without whom the battle is lost. When I praise her in public, I want to praise the totality of who she is, and not reduce her to a list of physical traits. Because that is, in my opinion, objectifying.
I mean no judgement, in what I'm about to say. I truly respect your take. However, I think 1. "Objectifying" is a term that is used more negatively as some kind of negative or anti statement. As in, you shouldn't do that, or it is wrong, or even that it's criminal. Any anti man movement uses that genre of words to evoke some evil being done to women. I know this is nothing like what you are saying, I mean no disrespect to your opinion. In fact, I thank you for sharing. You are correct, objectifying only focuses on 1 or reduces to a few aspects. But, isn't that what we do when we praise someone for a certain accomplishment in any other aspect of life? She's a good mom, can reduce a woman down to how she is with her children. Congrats on the promotion, can reduce her to just the workplace. Almost anything is a reduction from something. But, then we use words like, objectifying, only in the realm of appearance, attraction, sex, & nudity. I honestly think it comes more from a worldly anti stance that really is more about an agenda than actually doing good. Not saying a criminal act should not be arrested, nor judiciously examined. Just that objectifying calls a natural thing we all do, in some way, a bad thing connotatively.
But, 2. what if the woman wants the attractive value noticed? Isn't that why we people get dressed to some degree? Don't we want to appeal? No, not all of us get dressed to invite others to have sex with us, but to some degree, we all dress to impress. We take care in how we look publicly. Beauty & form are an aspect of us all. And, it's not just tits & ass. With my wife around, I will compliment another lady on a hair style, fingernail polish, or her color &/style of clothes. And, it has never made anyone mad that I did. They smile & say thank you. I don't dwell on anything. It is all contextual to the setting. I like making people smile, because life is such a downer. My wife worked with a woman, a christian, who expressed she liked men to ogle. And, that is another word, worse than objectifying. She didn't mean it in a sinful way. My wife did not take offense, either.
People, today, seem more scared to embrace attractiveness. It's like using a gun, or the english language. You either use for good, or bad. We shouldn't let sin stop us from spreading the gospel, nor should we let a social agenda stop us from being affectionate to our wives, or husbands. Even in a shocking way that may seem inappropriate to some.
It's, actually, a skill we should all have, to use it correctly, for good.
We are not God, but if David can praise God in an undignified way, in a round about way we can praise God by bringing a warm smile to our spouse by publicly fawning over them. I don't do it for sex. I do it for her. It is one of many ways I can show she is valuable.
I mean no harm in my opinion. I do not judge any for taking a different approach. I commend you for sharing. Though the original article I spoke of seems to mean harm, that something is wrong with it, & we should not do it. That I do not care for.
When my wife comes up as part of a discussion, it usually has to do with circumstance rather than appearance. “She really worked hard for her promotion, she’s got a generous heart, she’s had it with the Bears offensive line or she ruined a perfectly good roast,” something like that. It is often the way we talk about one another or the playful nature we express to one another. Most of the people I talk to regularly know her or at least have met her. They can judge for themselves, if that’s something they do.
Now, to be clear, my wife is absolutely gorgeous, and I think that is apparent to anyone with eyes to see. She has impeccable taste and looks stunning in whatever she wears. In fact, I spend most nights out with her looking forward to getting her out of what she’s wearing. I do compliment her appearance in front of other people which might be similar.
Her appearance is only one aspect of why she fascinates me, why I’m drawn to her and desire her, why our intimacy and sex are so fulfilling even after 40 years. I think those feelings come out in how we behave as a couple in front of other people. We’re physically close, we touch each other a lot in a way that describes our intimate connection. People see that. Do they see her as a 10, a 7.5, an 8? Who knows and who cares. She’s beyond all that to me.
I guess we show rather than tell, though I think it’s great if someone describes their wife that way. I have a feeling a lot of our friends see how lucky I am.
As some here who know me might realize, My hubby and I are madly in love and are, to some degree, exhibitionists. Flaunting our God given assets are a big turnon for us (Jim's fav is watching guys (and sometimes other women) eyes expand and necks twist as I strut along the beach with my tits swaying with the breeze, just barely covered in the sun. When we return to our blanket, his huge cock fully erected, he asks me if I noticed men or women perking up while checking me out. And we get back to our old beach van, he points out "how hot" I still look as he slides apart my wet bikini bottom and begins lapping-up my cream.
I will never tire of such compliments as well as the "motivation" we both feel as we fuck each other silly – and exclusively!
What fun! We aren’t exhibitionists but we do bare it all at the nude resorts we frequent. There certainly is that element of interest in seeing others and being seen. It is more the freedom of being nude but I admit, seeing her naked in the sun, interacting with other people and getting those looks is a huge turn-on. It always leads to some intense fucking later on.
Full honesty, I’m a guy who quite often refers to my wife as hot. It’s never done out of any desire for validation and I definitely don’t try to make others uncomfortable. My wife is the second best thing to ever happen to me (#1 being my salvation) and I will gladly shout this to the rooftops. And just like the fact that I am unashamed of the Gospel, I am proud of the beautiful lady that God blessed me with. So I’m going to happily let others know how kind and generous and yes hot that she is to me.