Sexual Care Poll – MarriageHeat.com
Loading ...I have recently joined this site on the advice of a friend and am finding it very helpful so far but I have a particular interest in anything members might have to say on the subject of sex in widowhood. I am 66 and have been a widow for 9 years. My husband and I had an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life. We were virgins when we married and discovered sex together, always faithful, always consensual, nothing unbiblical. When he passed I was naturally distraught and for the first six months or so, sex just disappeared from my radar. After that my libido slowly returned and I became aware that my arousal was increasing while watching TV programmes with sex scenes and reading books. I had discovered masturbation as a teenage girl, and although often felt guilt and shame I did it regularly until I married. I never told my husband and never did it while I was married. I started again a few years ago when the urges returned and have been regularly masturbating since. My friend who told me about this site has been a wonderful help and encouragement about taking away the stigma I felt and released me from guilt by explaining the biblical basis it. However, as a widow, I have experienced the pleasures of sex with a man and masturbation, while very pleasurable and enjoyable for a variety of reasons is not quite the same. I would really love to hear from other Christian widows, and widowers, as to their feelings on this and how they cope with the loss of a sexual partner.
This response is related to the poll question about MarriageHeat.com. In addition to the answers listed MH is a definite go to when my spouse and I are separated and I am full of desire. MH inspires my creative desires around our next encounter but also is when I am most inspired to write a story about a recent time of passion.
Hi Christianwidow and welcome to a wonderfully supportive Christian community.
My situation is different, but I can comment from the perspective of living in an all but sexless marriage for many, many years.
While nothing is the same as sex with a loving spouse, masturbation can be a close second.
I think with the right mindset, getting into the proper mood, and being willing to explore all the pleasure our bodies have to offer, solo sex can be very fulfilling.
The right mindset is knowing that God gave us our bodies and our sexuality to enjoy. Knowing this and accepting this can free us of the guilt that Christians often bear for seeking out pleasure for the sole purpose of our gratification.
Getting into the proper mood means really taking the slow road to arousal and fully engaging our mind. Setting a sexy scene, reading a sexy novel or story, and letting go of certain inhibitions that might hinder us from enjoying some solo play.
Being willing to explore all our bodies have to offer is exploring all the erogenous zones, making use of toys, and even using props, (such as a mirror), to fully participate in the moment.
Many of us bring certain stigmas and hangups to the table. It can take time, but learning to accept what is Godly when it comes to sex can be very freeing.
I would also recommend that you read the journey of LovelyLonelyLady and others who have written about their solo experiences.
I really commend your for reaching out and being willing to explore your sexuality.
I will also pray for you and your journey.
All my best – KM
Thank you for recommending my posts. That was very kind. I am blest to know that I have encouraged people on this site.
Totally agree with you KM. I have been in a sexless marriage for nearly 8 years and in the same situation. Our sexuality is a gift from God and we can glorify him with it whether solo or with our spouse.
Hi, Christianwidow ;
When you say “ it’s not the same “, do you prefer masturbation to an encounter with a partner?
Being a widower, I “ share your journey “ around this!! ❤️ Dale3
Hello Dale and thank you for your reply.
What I mean is, the sensations and pleasure of masturbation, while stil very enjoyable, is not quite the same as actual sexual intercourse. Plus of course there is the lack of emotional bonding.
Welcome to MH! So glad you have joined this community of sex-positive folks! As a single virgin, I don't know how real sex with a man feels, but I can say I've enjoyed learning to pleasure myself as I wait for marriage. I hope you can find great enjoyment and release in that as well. If it isn't an inappropriate question, do you ever think about remarrying?
Dear LLL,
Firstly, thank you for your kind welcome and honest introduction. I sincerely pray you find a soulmate to share the joys of sex very soon but I am delighted your rejoice in the pleasure of masturbation while waiting. As for remarriage, well I don't rule it out but I don't see it as likely, at least in the short term. Also, I would be very careful as I would not want my lack of sex to be a driver in that direction. Many more important things would come first as I am sure you understand x
MarriageHeat is helping me get over sexual shame. I have triggers in this area.
Bless you Ashley. Let the love of God will heal your shame and be free.
Welcome! I have had some hangups in the past but have prided myself on having a pretty healthy mindset with regards to masturbation as a single Christian. I am sorry that you lost your husband at so young an age and I can't imagine how that feels. What I do know is that God loves you and accepts you as a sexual being, whether that is with your departed husband or by your own. You will find many posts here by singles such as myself and LLL (who has already been recommended above–let me second that). This site has been a great resource for me to learn more from other Christians, they have a great recommended reading section, and reading the examples of others has helped me deepen my own sexuality with masturbation, but also to bring me closer to Jesus! Once I learned to lay my shame at the foot of the Cross, I have found more intimacy with God in this area than I ever thought that I would.
I will chime in here even most in this room might know Jim and I and realize that we are huge MH fans a d have shared many stories about our very active sex lives. We masturbate frequently and about 50% of the time with each other. Jim prefers watching me cum solo before he takes me and brings me over the tops once or twice more.
Me, I still prefer sucking his very large and thick cock (yes, I’m fortunate) and when I feel his balls are ready to explode, I deepthroat him and swallow every drop of his cum. I guess it’s a control/power thing with me, as well as listening to him almost screaming as he floods my throat.
The Bible gives some very specific instructions on who we can't have sex with. But it never mentions masturbation. I'm not so naive to think people in Bible times didn't masturbate, often. We have no restrictions here. Yes, I agree, sex with a partner is best, but considering how amazingly God made us, second-best is still wonderful.
Christianwidow,
Thank you for your story. It prompted some interesting discussions in my family. My children promised then will get me a dildo should the Lord take my husband from me before me. They said it is important that I be fucking myself. I believe them to be right, I will take their offer.
I thought about getting a dildo modelled on his penis. I found a website and want to quote a review (spelling mistakes included):
"happy military wife", 5 stars out of 5, Verified Buyer
"i highly suggest this product for every couple to try. after reading reveiws i was worried about buying it. my husband is on a 12 month tour to iraq,and learning from him doin a 15 month tour last year i wanted to try and make this kit, he was recently home for R&R and we had not 1 problem with the kit,He an i are very satisfide on how wel it turned out.Whoever idea it was to sell this kit is my hero for the next 8 months :D,"
People reading MH for some time know how enthusiastic I am about masturbation, I love to masturbate myself, I believe it to be a generous gift from God. I normally masturbate by rubbing my clit and pussy through my knickers, I like getting them wet, creamy and cummy. I like to think I am following the biblical model, that of the Shulammite, who in Songs 5:5 has her hand dripping with myrrh (pussy juice). Having knickers on when I masturbate means I am not fucking myself – I do frig myself that way (fuck myself with my fingers) from time to time. As much as I do like to frig, I love hubby very much and liked being fucked. I like both frigging and fucking. I thank God that I can have both.
I do foresee the possibility I may one day also be a widow. That fucking will be taken from me and going to only frigging I will feel the loss. I have seen stories of widows who have filled their desire for a man with illicit sex. Sexual purity is demanded as much for widows as it is for never marrieds and the married, we are all called to be pure. Sexual intercourse is available for the married, (and thanks be to God), masturbation for everyone.
It see it is harder for those who have tasted the rich fruit of married sex to keep only to masturbation. I pray God gives you strength to remain pure. I pray for that strength myself, should I one day need it and for all those who are widowed, that they find MarriageHeat, and any guilt about their masturbation is removed by the truth.
I also see how regular masturbation while married will help with the transition to widow – another argument to insist that Christians have masturbation in their marriages.
God bless you Christianwidow and all Christian widows and widowers.
PS this would also help the separated.
Christianwidow,
I am a longtime member and writer for MH. I also just recently lost my husband of 30+ years. It has been a rough road and I am extremely heartbroken. I miss him so terribly much.
We too were both virgins when we married. We enjoyed a very loving, passionate and active sex life. However, unlike you I haven't lost my libido. Sex just hasn't really crossed my mind. Ben was my inspiration for writing my stories. Without him writing seems empty and feels like meaningless erotica.
My family and friends have been great support and it means a great deal to me. Their prayers and my strong faith in the Lord keeps me going. Ben's clothes still hang in the closet, as I cannot bear to part with them. At least not now. It's just too soon.
Since Ben's passing I have been staying with my oldest daughter and her family. Sleeping alone in what once was mine and Ben's marriage bed is just too hard for me right now .
The other night I was bathing and touched myself thinking of my late husband Ben. I rubbed my clit until I orgasmed. I then cried, not from guilt, but because I miss him so much.
Like I have said many times before, Ben is my first and only love. I cannot fathom being with another man, nor do I want too. Thank you for this post and God bless you.
Gina
Dear HornyGG
Firstly forgive me for not replying much sooner. I have not been in a good place since Christmas and kind of let all my online friends slide. Anyway I am now feeling much more positive about life and thank you so much for sharing your story.
we both share our loss of a deeply loved and arousing husband and sexual partner. You are so right, nothing can replace that and when people ask me if I will re-marry, I always say that I can’t imagine being intimate with another person after the joy and pleasures e experienced.
I share your emotional state after orgasm in the bath. It took me a long while to be able to fully relax and enjoy the physical sensations in my body without either, crying or feeling that the whole masturbation process was too mechanical to really enjoy it as a substitute for sex. I am past that stage now and do really embrace and enjoy every aspect of pleasuring myself. But as we both know, it’s never quite the same without a loving partner to share the beautiful experience.
I don’t know if it’s allowed on this site but I would love to swap emails and engage with you more on this subject?
ChristianWidow,
I'm moved by your candor and honesty — as well as by the sexy part of your post and comments. This site is amazing! People are so open and honest about their sexual feelings, and yet still within the bounds of Christian faith.
I hope that you do find another husband, if that is what you want. Many years ago, a female friend at church told me, "Your plate of rejection is quite full." If you knew my story, it might break your heart. So, although I have not lost a spouse to death, I have had losses. So, I can relate to some of your feelings. Loneliness can be quite painful.
To Christian Widow
Of course masturbation cannot take the place of the sexual intercourse we share with our spouse. It can be a part of our lovemaking, but masturbation is primarily for YOU.
Your sexual intimacy with your husband was a deep connection, not only on the physical level (though sometimes that filled the need), but on an emotional and psychological and spiritual level. It forms not only the bodily connection of penis/vagina, tongue/vulva or mouth/penis, etc. but a real emotional and spiritual bond.
Though I cannot relate to you as a widower, your questions left me awake for hours contemplating your situation and how it could apply to me one day. My wife and I have enjoyed an active and satisfying sexual relationship. We are mid 70’s and we still crave sex! I can’t get enough of the taste and smell of her pussy, she still loves sucking my hard dick. Most of our sessions always end in an embrace of satisfaction my dick firmly sheathed in her hot pussy.
I cannot imagine life with anyone else.
I also love to masturbate! We rarely masturbate together and then it is only part of our foreplay.
My masturbation time is MY pleasure. (It does not replace our intimate time together).
In your situation masturbation is your only sexual outlet, I am so glad you masturbate on a regular basis…make the most of it! Use everything you have at your disposal: your rich imagination, your vivid memories of your husband eating your pussy or lovingly filling your vagina with his hot cream. There are some amazing toys available (Womanizer Premium is my wife’s favorite). Use a mirror to enjoy the beauty of your unique vulva as you stroke your labia and clitoris! Learn to love your naked body.
You are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, Psalm 139:14. The sole purpose of your clitoris is sexual pleasure! Love yourself, and as you do you give glory to your creator.
You are a strong and courageous woman! I bless you with peace and comfort and joy, in Jesus’ Name!
Yes, I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I do not believe that death separates people from their true love. I know some people who say they will never ever marry anyone else and I can completely understand that But I could also understand people who do want to remarry.
I have always thought of masturbation not as second best but rather just another means to which God created for us to enjoy sexual pleasure because a lot of times a partner is just not available or some people may not have a desire for another partner or for a partner at all.
I very much so encourage you to continue to explore yourself and to have all the pleasure that you deserve!
You are fearfully and wonderfully made and we were created and made to have sexual pleasure!