Should I or Shouldn’t I? (L)
(L) – This post contains strong language.
Hey MH family!
This is not a story, but more of a question. I was recently asked out on a date by this man who attends the same church as I do.
Here is my dilemma:
1) It hasn’t been that long since Ben passed away. And I told the gentleman this and he seemed to understand. Plus Ben was the love of my life and going on a date with another man would seem strange to say the least. Plus I have told myself that I would never do it.
However my daughter Alicia and my son-in-law think that I should start dating again. And I gotta admit the thought has been weighing on my mind, and I have prayed about it. Is it too soon?
2) The gentleman (whom I will call “Jeff”) is five years younger than myself. He is sweet, handsome and a very devoted Christian from what I can tell. He kinda reminds me of Ben as he looks athletic with a tall and trim physique. He just has light brown hair. I honestly don’t understand why he would want to ask a old woman like myself out! Lol.
Lord knows that I don’t want people to think I’m insensitive to Ben’s memory, believe me I’m not. And Lord be, I don’t want to be labeled as a “cougar” either. I mean it’s not like if I decided to go out with him that I would let him screw me.
My friend Gail said I should go for it and that I shouldn’t worry about what others think. And that even if I did fuck him it would be nobody’s business.
Gail’s right about not caring what others think. But deep down it would bother me. As far as the other, well God would know and that would really bother me.
Part of me kinda wants to. The other part of me is… let’s just say conflicted. I have been praying about it, as I know God will put in my heart what I should do.
So what do you think, my MH family? I honestly trust your opinion. Should I say yes, or should I say no and wait?
Thanks!
GG
I don't have a yes or no answer for you but I do have some thoughts for you to consider.
How long since Ben died?
We have a friend whose wife died. She was one of my wife's best friends. He started dating 3 months after she died and my wife has really struggled with that idea and been very frustrated at him and I know it has created some tension with his daughters. So it is your choice, just be ready for any backlash you might get from anyone close to you.
Have you been in any kind of grief support group or counseling. Our friend started counseling even before his wife died- she had a terminal illness and has been in two grief groups since then, which seems to have been a big help.
Biblically, my understanding is that once a spouse dies you are free to remarry and I don't remember seeing any time frame.
I know when I used to participate and later lead Divorce Care- in the case of divorce they suggested waiting one year for every four years of marriage to give time to heal. Now I think that might be too long for the death of a spouse but the principle that it takes awhile to heal is probably valid.
As a husband who has a decent sex life with my wife, it would be very hard to give up sex for long periods if something happened to her, so since I don't think sex outside of marriage is right- it would be hard for me not to date relatively soon. At least that is my guess about myself.
I am glad you are praying about this decision and also getting counsel.
Also- I would think there is a difference between going out for coffee every week or two and dating and being together every day. Just because you have coffee does not mean you have to decide whether to marry in the next month.
Thank you! The Lord said that it is ok and human to grieve, but only for a season. Not forever.
May not be worded right, but that is what my preacher told me. Just maybe not in so many words.
Well, you’ve prayed over it, so it’s just a matter of whether you have peace or not. It’s not like anything has to happen, it’s just a date. You may hit it off or you may not.
I wouldn’t let the five years bother me. As far as the length of time since Ben passed, I think that’s a very personal thing. I read once that someone who pours everything into their marriage has less of a problem moving on because they have no regrets.
GG–it does seem a bit too soon, but that's also not a call that anyone else can make, it's whether or not YOU feel like enough time as passed. Perhaps if you're so conflicted about it that you're asking advice on here, then it could be beneficial to hold off, but don't forget about this guy! It's possible he's been attracted to you for a long time.
The "I told myself I would never [date]" part, I'd be careful making Agreements like that especially when you don't know what you're agreeing to yet, and agreeing with whom. And I doubt you're on the fence about joining a convent. Don't let silent agreements hold you back from something if God is giving it to you!
I also don't think that 5 years is that much of an age difference at all, especially at your age, and I don't get women's fear of being "labeled" a cougar, as if that were some sort of bad thing. That is probably the kind of envious term used by women who COULDN'T attract a younger man if they tried, and should be good evidence that you've still got it, girl! 😀 Plus, he asked YOU out, you're not pursuing him.
I personally have always found older women attractive and wouldn't bat an eye at dating a woman 10 years older than me and I know a few that would have me reassessing that number upward by at least another decade. So I guess my thing is, where's the harm in seeing where this goes? You and he could be good match for each other, if you are willing to try. But only YOU can decide when (if ever) it's a good time for you to start dating again.
Go for it. I understand your mixed feelings and memories of Ben. But I doubt he would want you to deny yourself of love, companionship and satisfying sex.
GG, we all appreciate you here, and I pray God would continue to lead you, guide you, and bless you in your journey. 🙏🏼
The Bible is clear that remarriage after a spouse passes away is completely acceptable in the Christian faith.
As for timing, I don’t think there are any clear rules. The main thing is what is comfortable for you personally.
In the medieval times, it was sometimes common to remarry only a few days after a spouse’s death, due to necessity more than anything else (as the household would collapse in a simple agrarian society without a father or a mother, especially if there were a lot of children to take care of).
And as for age differences, once again, there are no clear rules.
I think all signs point to you being free to begin dating again if you feel comfortable doing so.
It sounds like you were a great wife to Ben and you gave him a wonderful life.
I know if anything happens to me, I would want Vanessa to feel free to remarry if she so chooses. Marriage is a Biblical way to have companionship and mutual sexual expression in a way that pleases God. So there is nothing shameful about wanting to experience that again.
But only you can determine what you want and what you feel ready for.
May God bless you our sister in Christ.
Hi GG! I am soooooo very very sorry for your loss!!! My heart grieves for you!😩❤️. How are you doing? Are you still enjoying being a nudist? Hope so. I also don’t think you should move. Sounds like you have a fantastic naked paradise and I think you would regret not having it anymore. There is another recent thread on here about pubic hair. I remember reading that you shaved your pussy bald (perhaps at Alicia’s encouragement?). Are you still sporting the bald look or have you gone back to bush?
As far as dating, it’s a good sign that your kids are already encouraging you in that regard. Most kids seem to find it hard to see a parent move on. The fact that they are giving their “approval” is positive for sure. You mentioned having sex again. Do you have any rules you follow in this regard? How long would you want to be dating before you’d let him see you naked or fuck you? How about him watching you masturbate? Speaking of masturbating, I hope you’re still doing yourself on a daily basis and often!! Anyway, please know that I keep you in my prayers. I am sooo sad for you. The Lord be with you in your time of grief and loss. Hugs!
As in other replies here, you have to feel that sufficient time has passed since Ben's passing. If you are ready as Second Marge said "go for it!". You deserve companionship and can go as slow as you like. Fives years age difference is not very much. Only you know if you are ready.
Dear GG, there’s an old country song about a cowboy whose last words were something like Tell my wife to find another man; it’s not right for her to be alone.
I’d add as long as he treats her good.
Maybe it would be good to start with a brief daytime date, and maybe it will just be good to have someone to talk to.
Will continue to keep you in prayer:)
I've never been married, and certainly never lost a spouse, so take my ideas with a grain of salt. However, I'll share what I've learned from those with more experience than me.
Since this is a bit of a long comment, I'll summarize the main point of my thoughts this way: Be careful and wise about how you choose to date, as if you were getting married for the first time, but even more so because of the complicating factor of the pain of loss.
Now for the expanded version.
First, remember that this is ultimately your decision. Don't make a decision because you feel like you should or shouldn't. Don't make a decision because you feel pressured to one way or another. Don't make a decision just to please someone else, even if they're close, beloved and trusted family. It's up to you how long you wait to start dating again—or if you ever start again. It's up to you to do whatever seems right in your mind to show honor to the man you so clearly loved and spent so much of your life with.
Personally, I have no idea how long would feel right in such a situation. Because of the way I am as a person, I might wait 6 months, a year, or more after losing my spouse before I started looking to date again. I feel like waiting 6 months is a good general rule of thumb, but that's a personal thing, and I don't think it would necessarily be wrong or disrespectful to start sooner. As far as I know, there's no biblical guidance on this matter, so you are free to accept a date if you decide you want to.
I would simply caution you, as a matter of wisdom, against making any serious advances or commitments while the pain of loss is still fresh or weighing heavily on you. Grief can affect people in different ways, sometimes significant ways, and you may be surprised how much it negatively impacts your judgment. Or you may be able to continue making wise decisions with little disruption. It depends. But just in case, keep that in mind, and if you decide to accept this date, proceed slowly and cautiously. Certainly consult other trusted friends and spiritual leaders who you respect to give you outside feedback and keep you grounded. (Proverbs 11:14, 15:22, 24:6)
Don't worry about being a "cougar." A 5-year age gap doesn't sound particularly unusual to me. Perhaps it's more often the man who's older, but I don't think it's anything to worry about. It may be a little odd if you were 23 and he was 18, but if your ages were 35 and 30, 45 and 40, etc., I personally think that's not even a little bit strange.
Don't go too far in a relationship, certainly don't get serious about marriage, until you know your heart is ready for it. (I'm not just talking about avoiding sex before you're married, but emotional attachment and investment.) A man seeking to court you, if he is sincere and a good Christian man, will want your whole heart to be in the relationship. He should understand that you will always love Ben, but your new dating partner (and potential husband) will rightly hope and expect for you to be fully present, fully committed, and fully emotionally invested in your relationship with him, and not let your relationship with your first husband get in the way. Don't pursue a relationship until you think you can do that, at least to the degree of seriousness the current relationship calls for.
I pray for your continued comfort in this season, and for your wisdom to make wise and God-honoring decisions in this regard. Love from your brothers and sisters in Christ here at MH!
Thanks to all who posted! After praying hard about it, my love for my late husband Ben conquers all. The Lord put on my heart that I should wait. How long I don't know and don't really care. Maybe after a period of time I will find another man. But right now, I'm not on the market. I told 'Jeff and he understands.
My advice was going to be "wait", or at least "go very slowly", though I am no expert here! I'd also say that you could remain friends with this man, and as time passes and you continue to heal, it might work later on. I guess I have this feeling of "don't let good men slip away!" 🤪 But always surrender your desires to God, and He promises to guide you. You are in my prayers and thoughts. Your testimony here both as a wife and a Christian has helped me personally.
I think you’ve made a wise choice GG. You need time. The wounds of your loss are still much too fresh. Don’t swear off men forever, though. You’re still young and companionship at some point would be good for you. Only God knows what the future holds for you. Thanks for sharing with us! Keep us posted on how you are doing. And write more nudist/masturbation stories for us.😍
HornyGG,
One of my favorite Bible stories is in 1st Samuel, chapter 25, about how David met his first wife, Abigail. She waited only 10 DAYS after her husband's death before she married David. (Of course, it was also obvious that God had killed her first husband [Nabal, whose name means "fool"] in order to make her available for David.)
That said, there is no "standard" time limit between marriages. In my opinion, the best barometer is input from your adult children. They are encouraging you to date again. I believe that advice is sound.
You and Ben had a great marriage and a great sex life. You can still celebrate those memories. I'm sure that he would approve you going on with your life. (I'm prior military and law enforcement. So, I've had to face those questions more than most people.) You have met the Biblical standard for being "eligible" again. So, there should be no guilt if you decide to date.
And, the above advice is not merely because I would ask you out myself if I knew how to contact you…. 😉
Awww! Thank you! Your so sweet. God bless you and stay horny always!
Gina, the fact that you sense the Lord is saying, "Wait," is your present answer. That could and likely will change as you move forward after losing your wonderful Big Ben. You're young, fun, attractive, and sexy in every which way! When you're ready and Jeff or another gentleman shows interest to date you, you'll 'know' if it's the right time. Hugs!
I once had a long standing older friend who lost his wife after a long chronic illness. Several months later he wrote me that he had feelings for a widow in has church and wanted to marry her, his family was apposed to it. Since he was elderly, I counseled him that since he was elderly, each year of his remaining life could be as much as 10 percent of his life, so why live it alone and lonesome.. He married her and they had about 10 years of married comfort and bliss before she died. He would often write me exclaiming that he had both a wonderful experience and at the same time profound grief for his deceased wife. His family’, by the way, soon came around to accept and appreciate his new wife.
Love your honesty & gentle spirit coming through your post.
My small group is going through 1 Corinthians right not. Chapter 7 applies, I believe. Basically, God would not want us committing sexual immorality. He would keep us from that. Though, you mention sex with this guy, it seems you have a right perspective & are very concerned about God being pleased. So, if premarital sex were the temptation, I wouldn't date. You shouldn't.
However, there is no rule, or timetable, on dating, or just going out with the opposite sex. Friend, or potentially more than a friend. If, in the OT, God had a brother in-law take the widowed sil to have sex with & give her a son, & that seemingly asap, I would think it abundantly ok to go out with other men, in your widowed state. I would not judge if it were only 1 day after the funeral, or 100 years after. That would not be a matter.
However, our minds & hearts are present. And, I am blessed to have witnessed yours here. I believe you will make the right decision. Where chapter 7 falls is that if you are burning with passion, to have sex, get married, to have that sex. While not having sex is good, this is much better to do than to sin sexually. Your dilemma of what others would think is common. Honestly, it is you being beautiful. You care. You love your husband, who has passed on, & you are still here. Take your time. Don't let anyone pressure you. It is ok to date if that is where you want to go. It is ok if you don't. People just suggest. That is all they are. You keep walking the firm foundation of Christ, & don't let suggestions harass you.
My daughter, in her 20's, recently said she stopped seeing a guy. They were friends & going places together. She told him she wasn't interested in marriage, or sex. She explained she enjoyed socializing with him. He stuck around, but she was getting the vibe he was trying to lead the situation into mote than just social outings. I applaud my daughter for sticking to her guns, she stopped going out with the guy.
Stick to your guns, you be you. God, nor your husband, would want you to sin, nor would they want you to turn bitter & lose your kind spirit being alone. God's blessing, & your husband's, are in either choice. Just go with God into it.
I once counseled an older minister friend who faced your dilemma and was lonesome and missing his mate, but had interest in a widowed parishioner. I suggested that every year spent celibate was a year of loneliness and missed pleasure. He married her. They had many wonderful years together before she died. He wrote me often of their happy time together. At one point he commented to me that she was wonderful and he was glad he married, but he still grieved so for his lost mate. You can have both companionship and grief at the same time.
Dear Sister, I’m very glad your heart is open to love again. I married a widow, so I want to share from that perspective. I haven’t read the other comments so forgive any redundancy. My wife lost her first husband to brain cancer twelve years before we met. She waited that long because she was left with five children and didn’t want to bring another man into their lives while they were growing up. She did date a few men, but none seriously. God was saving us for each other. I was divorced when we met on a Christian dating site. We are going on fourteen years of marriage and still deeply in love.
There were some things I needed to know when we were dating, and this is what I want to tell you from one who married a widow. I asked her how long it was before she felt she wanted to find a man to love her. She said just over a year. This was her choice, and is not the only right choice, it was just hers, so this is not telling you what to do. She said that she needed to get through all the “firsts;” the first anniversaries of holidays, birthday, wedding anniversary, and especially anniversary of his death. Each were powerful reminders of their life together. She said it was after those had past that she felt she could fully mourn and let him go.
When we met my wife still had an 8×10 framed picture of her husband on her desk at work. I had to know if he was still present in her heart. There is no room for three people in a marriage, so I had to know if she had moved on. She said she didn’t even realize the picture was there since it had been there for so long, and immediately put it away. I don’t mind if she talks about him or if the children talk openly about him, I’ll join in with questions at times. He was a great man who died a noble death telling people of Jesus. But…there are no memorials to him in our home. She kept his Bible, wedding ring, and a few personal things in a box in the basement. I don’t mind any of that. All the scores of photos of him have been given to the children, but I like sitting and looking at them with her because I know that part of her life was important, but I also it is over and she fully loves me.
There is one more thing I needed to know – would she think of him and of making love with him when we were making love? Would she compare me to him – his ability to please her, his freedom sexually, and yes his size, because that is part of pleasing her. Would I be at least as good, or could I be better? She assured me she would not think of him and that she has not at any time. She has also assured me that our marriage is a soul connection, and that I do make her very happy in every way. A man needs to know the past life is fully done and you can move forward with him without looking back, and you he makes you very happy in every way, especially sexually since that is the doorway to emotional connection for a man.
I hope and pray that God will bring someone to you, whether it is this man or someone else. Don’t marry out of loneliness alone though, marry only the man who is right for you, the one whom God brings.
I just wanted to say, you are my fav author on here, and the stories of you and your husband inspired me in my own marriage. I’m so sorry for your loss. But please know, you both inspired me when my marriage was rocky. We are in a great place now! And I know your love for each other will extend into the next life. All the best.
Dear Friend, I’m very glad your heart is open to love again. I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't think so much on this, just follow your mind. Don't bother about society
Hi Gina, Hope you are doing well, last night myself and my wife read your story about May month is masturbation month, awesome story you have shared.
We are waiting for more story…
My wife is going read all your stories.