NoFap – Is There a Benefit or Not?
Dear MH family,
This is not my first post here, but I’ve only posted a few times and made a handful of comments, so I feel like I should give a brief background of my situation.
I’m in a sexless marriage, and although I live under the same roof with my wife and children, we are literally separated. Our home has a “mother-in-law” suite with two kitchens and separated by two doors. So I am quite literally living single. My wife and I haven’t talked for months and I haven’t seen my children for months. This is her choice, not mine. I’ve begged her to reconcile, to no avail.
Now that I’ve “introduced” myself, here is my dilemma. As I have stated before on this forum, I masturbate to satisfy my sexual urges and desires. And yes, “needs.” More on that later. I do not feel guilty about this, but very frustrated because it cannot compare to ejaculating inside my wife’s vagina. As all of you who are married know, it is as much an emotional release as it is physical.
Now, I made the mistake of going on YouTube and typing in the word “masturbation.” As you may have guessed, that opened up a whole new list of suggestions and videos, and I would guess 99% of them were from Christians who condemn masturbation as a sin. I don’t want to get into a lengthy discussion about whether it is, because I’m convinced it’s not. I just want to offer a counterpoint to the notion that it is not a “need” because nobody has ever died without sex or ejaculation. I find that argument absurd, because a need is not limited to just things that are life sustaining. We have lots of needs that without being fulfilled, we would certainly not die. God created us as sexual beings, and as men we need to ejaculate. And this is where I segue into the topic at hand.
Naturally, searching masturbation on YouTube has lead to suggested videos of “no-fap” and its supposed tremendous benefits. And this is where I want to hear from my MH family. Supposedly, semen retention will cause a man to have extra energy, extra vision, and will allow him to conquer the world. I know there is a lot of science behind this idea, and I’m certainly no scientist.
Where I am struggling is that I am certainly not a failure in life by any means (except my marriage). I have a solid career with a good paying job with benefits and a great relationship with my fellow employees. But according to the no-fap community, not being able to resist urges is indicative of some emotional instability and moral failure. If I could only discipline myself to resist masturbating, I could be a stronger leader, the best man I could possibly be, and rise to the top of the corporate ladder (which is not even a goal of mine). So they claim.
Now, here is where I get confused. Unless I am totally misguided, I don’t see that ejaculation from masturbation is any different than ejaculation from intercourse, except of course the emotional aspect which I mentioned earlier. And maybe that is the key. Maybe I need help in this area. The point is, there are many married men with an active sex life who certainly have achieved great things in life. And they of course are not practicing semen retention.
From my personal experience, I have found several things happen when I refrain from masturbation. First of all, I can say that the frequency of it has been reduced since by God’s grace I am free from pornography forever. (And yes, my wife is aware of my past struggles and my deliverance). Secondly, I realize that even after quitting porn, I was still very much “addicted” to masturbation, even though I’ve disciplined my mind to only visualize intercourse with my wife while doing so. I decided that I would simply stop “forcing” myself to have an erection just so I could masturbate and ejaculate. By taking this approach, I’ve found that I can go anywhere from two to five days without having the urge to ejaculate. But this is where biology comes into play. I’ve read that on average, a man needs to release his semen about every 72 hours. And what I’ve found is that if I deliberately resist the urge instead of acting on it when it arises (at home of course), I suffer great consequences. I become irritable, lose my focus, and even become emotional. While I can usually handle a large amount of stress from my job, at these moments, I just can’t. I struggle to keep from crying when it gets overwhelming. That is not a manly thing to do in the workplace! According to the no-fappers, if I would just power through it, eventually the urges would disappear and I could soar into worlds unknown!
Anyway, I don’t mean to ramble, but I am conflicted. I simply don’t see deliberate semen retention as any kind of moral victory. I would love to hear from my fellow MH men on this forum as to your thoughts on this subject. I can’t see denying myself of my natural sexual urges to the detriment of my emotional well being. What I do not want to hear is the flippant “God can supply all of your needs” answer. Of course He can. But He made me a sexual being, and He certainly can’t supply my sexual needs by His endless love alone. I would posit that is why he gave us wives (and masturbation). But I digress.
My final thought is this, and maybe this is too deep. I know I struggle with the fear of losing my sexual desire. Perhaps you are thinking, “Well if you are in a sexless marriage that is a good thing!” But ejaculation feels good. It’s one of my few pleasures in life, other than my career. When I’m home alone, I am lonely, miserable, and starved for love and affection. Touch is my love language. And I’m getting none of it. I have two really wonderful female friends at work with whom I’ve shared some of my struggles, but I can’t take it any further than talking to them. I can’t allow myself to become emotionally attached to them because I’m married. I don’t want to commit emotional adultery. And I obviously can’t get hugs from them, even though one of them freely gives them upon request. I just can’t go there.
To my point in the second sentence of the previous paragraph, am I really being selfish because I don’t want to stop experiencing the pleasure of ejaculation?
Please let me know your thoughts.
Just a clarification since I submitted this post;
It appears as if my terminology "no-fap" may be referring to masturbating to pornography, which I no longer do. Perhaps I should be referring to this topic as "semen retention."
Oh dear,
Back in January a friend was concerned her son had fallen into this.
So I asked questions, did research.
People reported that it did not have positive results.
I found words, "Ancient practices", "sexual energy", "spiritual growth".
Sounds pagan and occultist.
"Semen retention", is unchristian.
Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Thanks for your reply. I too get the impression this is a cult.
Wow, first of all I am so sorry about your situation and marriage! That is sad. I would think about getting out or geting back with your wife. I am so sorry you are starved for affection, that somehow needs to be fixed I think.
As far as your sex urges go, it is completely normal to have sex urges, especially for men. Most men around day 3 or 4 get a very strong urge to ejaculate. It is biology. It is distracting, hard to concentrate on other things. By getting that release, you can go on with life.
Not sure of your age, it does make a difference. But at my age, I need a sex release a minimum of twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week to feel anywhere near satisfied and not distracted. If I don't get that, I feel frustated and abandoned. We have been married over 30 years. When we worked out is, if we don't have full sex at least twice a week, it is ok for me to masturbate to relieve the tension. I only do it when we don't have sex. If we have sex twice, there is no masturbating.
As far as the no fap thing or semen retention, I do get it and have tried the semen retention. Semen retention can be nice if you do it right. It doesn't mean not having sex, it just means not having an orgasm every time you have sex. For males, it means you might even have more sex, touch, cuddle etc. but leave out the orgasm part. It can be energizing for sure, but it doesn't mean feeling neglected either. You need the touch and closeness instead of ejaculation. In your case, I don't think that would work since you dont' get touch or cuddle time.
One other thing I do, most men wouldn't like, lol. About once a month, I go without masturbating or sex for one full week. I do it partly to show my wife I don't have to masturbate, don't make it a "have to" habit. I can give it up for a week once in awhile. We can have sex if she wants it. I do feel energized when I am doing it, but I also still get affection from my wife, we cuddle and do other things. I have learned day 4 or 5 is the toughest, after that, I can make it. I started doing this several years ago and it has been good for me and my wife both. I highly recommend it for men whose wife still have periods, most women don't want sex then. She doesn't feel it or want it, that is a good week to do the no masturbating/sex thing. You won't die from it and will learn you can go without once in a while.
First of all, thank you for your empathy.
I can understand where you are coming from about abstaining for awhile and that you won't die without ejaculation, but with all due respect, put yourself in my situation and imagine not having intercourse with your wife for eight years.
I think you will agree with me that that is mental, emotional, and physical anguish. Sometimes I feel like I am going to lose my mind. I become so angry about what I am missing. I feel so cheated. I can only pray God will change the heart of my wife.
I can't imagine no intimacy for 8 years, I wouldn't put up with it. I would go crazy as you say. I would feel cheated for sure. Do you know why your wife feels this way? I would seriously think about divorce.
Difficult to believe anyone thinks masturbating is wrong unless it denies a spouse sex.
I have observed a couple of things from the "masturbation is a mortal sin" crowd.
1. It is really easy for those who are in a sexually fulfilled relationship to condemn those of us aren't for masturbating to release sexual tension.
2. They cannot and will not separate masturbation from lust and pornography. They refuse to accept that the two are not always linked and that masturbation can be done without lusting. As I have mentioned, I visualize sexual intercourse with my wife when I do it.
I even saw a comment, "Masturbation is always accompanied by lust and porn."
This is patently false.
I did some NoFap as a single man. I have mixed opinions. It gets a bit legalistic in some ways, but it does also help in some ways. Overall I’d say it kind of gets a bit legalistic and weird.
As for semen retention, that is an eastern practice to attempt to conserve qi I believe. I am into martial arts so that concept is not unfamiliar to me, but I can see the concerns about pagan philosophical beliefs mentioned above.
I am a currently single guy, 25, right now. While I definitely can’t speak into the relationship/marital sides of things, I can speak from my experience trying NoFap.
I too still struggle with a porn habit to this day. And at one point, around my junior year of college, I became interested in giving NoFap a try. I also combined it with the ever famous internet trend/challenge of No Nut November. All in an effort to attain “purity”. Now, disclaimer, I do believe Christians are to live holy and be continually sanctified.
However, NoFap takes the finish line of purity and just keeps moving it. The fact is by the time I had reached day 12-13 of NoFap, I had already spent multiple scenarios over those days, either intentionally or accidentally (at home of course), jerking off. Which over time meant I was edging myself. And as day 14-15 came around, I found myself not being able to take the pressure of it anymore, and ejaculated after close to a 30 minute porn binge.
Why am I telling this story? Because NoFap wasn’t teaching me how to better accept my male sexuality. It was creating a newfound cycle of shame and anxiety that made accepting being a guy just worse. And if anything made it impossible for me to focus on my college studies as all I could think about was the question “When would I be able to ejaculate again?”
In your case, maybe going on an occasional masturbation fast, where instead of the intention being placed on just not masturbating and ejaculating solely, it could be replaced with time of prayer? Wouldn’t need to be long, like a couple weeks? Maybe shorter or longer? Just in the event you feel like your masturbation isn’t falling in line with God.
But wrapping up my thoughts, semen retention is an unrealistic goal that gains hardly any moral ground. If anything it forces you to only think about the next time you are able to find release, and only that thought.
Self-care and selfishness are 2 very different things. In the unfortunate separated relationship you happen to be in, due to her choosing to not be with you, that is also a choice to not be the source you once had for your physical male sexual needs. So in the practical day to day matter of it, I think it’s not selfish to continue ejaculating, just like it isn’t selfish to use the bathroom.
Just my 2 cents 🙂
Straight to the point of your concluding question: "Am I really being selfish because I don't want to stop experiencing the pleasure of ejaculation?" No, that's not selfish. You're right that God made us with sexual desires, and it's not selfish to seek their fulfillment, it's simply natural. The only problems arise when we try to fulfill those desires in unhealthy and sinful ways, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're doing, so I don't think you're doing anything wrong here.
I'm not into the No-Fap stuff, and never really have been. Like any tool or program or practice, it can be good and useful in some ways, and not in others. The sense I get is that there is a little bit of legitimate benefit, and a whole lot of "religion," for lack of a better term. By that I mean that it seems like a lot of people take it way too seriously. It becomes a sort of club, and a piece of people's identity, so they invest more time, effort and emotional value into it than is warranted. I won't endorse or critique the idea as a whole, but if people are claiming you're a failure simply because you masturbate, that's ridiculous. It's just someone's subjective opinion, and it has no authority. I'm with you in the belief that the act of masturbation is not sinful. There's nothing in the Bible that suggests it is. Since, as Christians, the Bible should be our highest authority, no one can authoritiatively say something is right or wrong, good or evil, unless the Bible agrees. And since the Bible doesn't agree with these people that masturbation is somehow a moral failure, their claims have no authority, and should not make us feel bad.
You have my sympathy for your relational situation, and my prayers for God's healing and reconciliation. Regardless of how and when God decides to act there, you should be able to live free of any guilt.
This is a great discussion, and I am so appreciative of the agreement here that masturbation IS NOT A SIN. Several of the commenters mentioned that we need to take God's Word as the authority, and if it does not condemn something, directly or indirectly, neither should we. I actually am working on a more in-depth paper about masturbation, and I think the Bible subtly encourages it!
Now to the topic at hand. I've wondered about semen retention myself, and have heard good things about it. But from a biological and practical standpoint, it doesn't seem beneficial all in all. If God created the male body to do certain things at certain times, suppressing that strikes me as unhealthy. And, as some if the gentlemen here have mentioned, it keeps the brain focused only on, "When can I ejaculate again?" That doesn't sound like mental clarity or stability. I personally would not wish my future husband to ever feel the need to practice this. In fact, I've read some other things from pro-sex sources that say frequent masturbation and ejaculation is very good for men. It promotes healthy semen and helps prevent prostate cancer. I'd rather help my man cum as often as I could! 🤪
One last thought: I grieve for your situation and know that my suggestions may not be able to help you. I don't know your wife's side of things or your family dynamic. But from what I have learned about men in your situation, I believe you are being emotionally and, to be truthful, physically abused. Denying sex to your spouse is wrong, according to Scripture. I can't think of any justification for it. As drastic as it may sound, I would consider divorce. I think of my dad who has been in basically a sexless marriage for 20 years, and at times I have wanted to suggest to him that he leave my mom, just because I ache at how he struggles to get through each day. The Bible makes allowance for divorce when the other spouse walks away from their responsibilities in the marriage. Your wife may not be involved with another man (I sure hope not), but she is defrauding you. I'm much less surprised now when I hear about men who "stray" because now I immediately suspect that they were being denied sex at home. This is a painful subject, and I can't see any easy resolution to it outside of God doing a miracle, which I pray for my own parents as well. You and every person on MH are in my prayers. The Lord will work for your good. Keep honoring Him, and He will deliver you.
There is absolutely no benefit to semen retention. If anything at all, it is unhealthy.
I’m sorry for your situation, but I can speak from the similar experience of living in an all but sexless marriage.
I can also speak to the truth of LLL’s comment in that it is emotional and physical abuse.
Being in a situation like this, and divorce isn’t an option, the only thing you can do is masturbate. What you visualize when you do is your business, but reading the stories here is a good start. It’s not the same as sex, but it will allow you to somewhat meet the physical need, and I encourage you to do that.
Steady89,
First of all, I grieve for your situation — which is very parallel to mine.
I am 67 years old, and I have not been laid in more than 14 years. I have been divorced twice. My second wife was adamant that "masturbation is a sin". That was a sore subject, even when things were going well otherwise.
LLL said that she is working on writing a paper on this topic. I might be able to save her some trouble and you some further grief. Here is the link to a post that I wrote about this topic a while back.
https://ancientfuturechurch.online/?p=463
Again, my experience parallels your. A lot of people "over-interpret" the Bible. I think that they do it out of "holier-than-thou" pride. In other words, they do not actually DO the things that they prescribe for others. As Jesus said, "They place heavy burdens on other men's backs and lift not a finger to help them."
My hope and prayer is that your marriage will be healed. But, if your wife has not come around (not only sexually, but also in other aspects of life) after eight years of such awkward living, then a healed marriage does not seem likely. You might want to look up the legal term "constructive abandonment". (Also, I seriously doubt that your wife has also gone without sex for eight years. If you can afford a private investigator….)
I can't remember if it was you who mentioned AFSOC and The Book of WOW before, but I'm so glad you linked it because when I did an internet search I could find zero results. I love the look of what it posted there! And yes, the issue about Onan is in my paper, but I actually have several other Scriptures! Thanks for these resources though!
I looked into no fap for a little while several years back. I will say that if you have a debilitating addiction, a community can help with that in practical ways.
That said, the older I get the more I’m convinced that we have much greater freedom with “fapping” than Christian culture at large states. I intend to continue to rejoice in this gift that we’re given!
I’ve done semen retention at times as a single guy.. really as just a way to practice sexual discipline. I don’t want to be unable to control my sexual urges by giving every time I feel like pulling my dick out lol.
In my experience I don’t think the no fap “productivity” or “charisma” benefits are real. It honestly can be distracting because the longer you go without cumming.. your brain keeps reminding you more and more frequently lol. At least that’s my experience
Actually my most recent story highlights the last time I went on a long semen retention spell
https://marriageheat.com/2025/01/14/im-in-charge-of-my-cock/
The so-called nofap is a purely demonic fiction. The harm from it is enormous both for the psyche and for the body. As for your divorce: I am divorced and have been living separately from my wife and children for 6 years. And masturbation has always been a joy and consolation for me in this difficult journey. For some time, I mentally imagined my ex-wife when I held my penis in my hand. But over time, I eliminated her from my thoughts, because I felt that this was an abusive relationship. After all, if she ignores my needs, why should I be connected to her? Now I imagine an abstract girl who loves and wants my body, the one that my Father may have prepared for me.
Not everyone would agree, but I think abstaining from your "marital duties" to your spouse for 8 years, without a "for better or worse" physical limitation, is marital unfaithfulness, in a Biblical sense. Such person has abandoned the physical act that bonds, at that point. What does it matter if there is another person involved (overt cheating) or not at that point? If you have no sexual relationship to that person any longer, what they are doing in their own personal life hardly matters. Personally, I would prefer to catch my wife with another man than to just simply be permanently cutoff. At least I would understand that "I" am (rightfully or wrongly) part of the problem and it's not some "its' not you, it's me" nonsense. Cards out on the table.
Anyway, I would seriously consider divorce at this point, and I rarely say that. Even if you somewhat reconciled, which sounds very unlikely, you're going to resent what you've been put through for 8 years. I just doubt that much is salvageable, but never make rash decisions either. Think carefully about what you really want.
Now, for the masturbation. As a general practice, it's not something that I see in absolutes. IMO, there is nothing magical or catastrophic about release of semen from the body. Scripture does condemn lustful thoughts and I think this would be the issue in many instances of masturbation. However, if Kate takes off for a couple weeks on an overseas trip and I'm unable to join her in a short amount of time, is it problematic to have sexual thoughts about my own wife? Seems crazy to think so, IMO. I would never judge a person that relieves their sexual tension while thinking about a spouse they have loved and lost in life. The single person that pleasures themself while envisioning sex with their [hopefully to be] Christian spouse? That's much more of a grey area that is hard to say. You situation is you are just physically longing for what you are rightfully entitled to by your marriage vows. Nobody flame me for acting like I'm encouraging something forcible or crazy behavior when I say "entitled" as I am using that in a moral sense–the commitments you made, the terms of your covenant. Personally, I wouldn't criticize you for self release while thinking about sex with the wife you long to reconcile with. If that is never going to happen, then you may be beating yourself up and heading for greater heartbreak, but I don't see the sin in it.
I find your take on unfaithfulness interesting. I actually agree, although I don’t know that I can prove it.
I do believe denying sex, (apart from physical limitations), is a sin, and a very dangerous sin that exposes the other spouse to a train load of temptations he or she was never meant to endure.
It is also a mental and emotional nightmare that one never really wakes up from; abuse really.
As horrible as it would be, catching her cheating would actually be more merciful.
I don’t know if I could go so far as you and recommend divorce, but that’s just me personally.
I will only address semen retention: Back when I was a single virgin in college I went to a seminar that professed the secrets of perpetual youth. The presenter went on n on about how healthy he was until at the end he revealed that the secret was semen retention.
I walked out n didn’t look back. This kind of view is idiotic! If no man ejaculated there would be no subsequent generation! Quite honestly it felt like one of Satan’s extremely out there lies. We believe that marriage- if it comes to us – is sacred and bringing children into the world and striving to raise them with Christian faith and values is doing God’s work. Enjoying a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse is part of God’s plan for us.
Besides, I believe that the presenter was lying too. Research shows regular ejaculation is healthy and lowers your risk for prostate cancer.
I read the same thing about the correlation between ejaculation and prostate cancer.
Hi Steady89, I just wanted to post some questions on here that might help you dig deeper as your story is familiar even if I have not sat in it for 8 years.
First, what is your relationship with your sexuality and your belief about it and its purpose in your life? What I read from what you wrote is someone who has shame and guilt around your sexuality and a limitation or belief that it could truly be something that brings benefit to those around you. What if that is the case can you accept that and change that belief so you are living more fully and more present.
For example, for 18 years starting with our wedding night that was what I had felt, because unbeknownst to me until July of 23 my wife had the opinion that my sexuality was a part of me that was bad it was her job to take care of me and keep that from going out of control at the expense of herself not out of a joy of sharing. So will I spent 18 years trying to be good enough, trying to give good enough sex and looking for some validation that any of the things I was trying were working, she spent that time shutting me out and shutting me down providing mercy sex, and I knew things were off but never knew what, I just knew that my sexuality became a part of immense shame and disconnection inside of me and of disconnection from God.
I was finally able to come to the place after the relationship broke and the truth came out that my sexuality was good and a gift from God because it allowed and has allowed me to have the strength to continue to show Agape love to my wife while she is actively trying to divorce me. My sexuality is literally the thing that makes me feel most alive, the life or eros energy and I view it as such now. It allows me the strength to carry out Ephesians 5 and love in the face of resentment that has caused loss of respect and contempt. It has allowed me the strength to realize I need to focus on myself and differentiate to become much more masculine and "Christ-like" as a solid grounded rock though the storm rages around me. It allows me the power and strength to face my fears and anxiety and push through them to do what is right and lead from the heart showing vulnerability by example even though I know there will be pain.
I would encourage you to dig deep and look beyond the stuff that is NO-FAP/ Semen retention. How can you connect with yourself and the purpose that God has for you as a whole. How can you look at the things that are still causing division with your wife and face that anxiety even though the answer is No from her. Become the man and husband that you want to be, work on reshaping your mind and what the meaning of sex and intimacy is and what you are truly looking for. Do this hard work because it is worth it for you and because you are in alignment with your defined core values. Then the question you ask will be answered because you will be able to answer it from inside yourself.
First off, sorry for your loss. I say that knowing that is how it feels when the wife & I are not having sex for weeks & months at a time. We hadn't had our first sex of 2025 til the end of Feb. Living as you are, my heart & prayers go out to you. Hopefully, God can resurrect things, but I get it. Keep the faith, which it sounds like you are.
Semen retention. Retention. Would we find it good to hold back & retain any other bodily fluid, or function? Society would not even say to hold back words, or emotions. Everything has to have a responsible outlet. In my experience, the longer I go without orgasm the more my body, using the mind, tries to get me to orgasm. Yes, people can go without sex. However, Paul called that a gift he had. The implication was that he did not even have the temptation for sex. But, others do not have that gift & are told to be married & have due sex rather than burn with passion. That burning with passion part happens when practicing retention of semen that is supposed to cum out, sometime. Men's bodies produce it. Our bodies only have so much capacity to retain it before the body starts sending messages to us, to cum.
I find that a huge burden gets lifted when I cum. The sky turns blue, the sunshines, all is happy & right in the world. I breathe better, & my mind goes to Godly things. All this on auto. Yet, the burden of life happens the more I go without orgasm. The more my sexual thoughts go to more & more worldly & pornographic thoughts. Whatever is easiest for the body to ejaculate the substance, it will use. That is why it plays off of my history, experiences, & desires. The longer I retain the more sinful the thoughts can get depending on what I have allowed into my mind. Whether, through viewing, reading, or doing. The Bible speaks of feet that are quick to run to sin. It is sin, but it is biology, too. I'm glad to hear you have trained your thoughts to think about your wife. I wish I were that disciplined. It's just the longer it goes, the more the world's porn, that is in my mind, & past, shows up.
Sounds like you are doing well as you can. I believe retention is not healthy. I personally have been thinking lately that I need to JO more to keep my mind clear of the burden, & thoughts that literally start cluttering & complicating a Godly life.
It's like the show Lost. JO is the code you type in to reset the whole thing.
I have been refused for a looong time, and have masturbated for the entire length of that looong time frequently and guilt free.. the idea of self torture, and that is what I thinkNoFap is does not appeal to me.i have frequent wonderful sex with my spouse, she just doesn’t know it.