Sex Therapy Question
In my posts about self-exploration, I’ve mentioned that I am very tense, apt to get easily nervous and stressed, etc. I notice that throughout my day, I breathe very shallowly and am sometimes even holding my breath. This has definitely driven me to address that inner tension as well as I can; I work out and stretch every day (unless I am traveling or really sick), I meditate on Scripture and talk positively to myself, I go to the chiropractor and get massages, and I have incorporated deep breathing and kegels into my stretching routine. Yet, my muscles remain taut.
Obviously, it affects my masturbation, wonderful as that has been. I find my whole body clenched up during much of a session, way before even reaching orgasm, and it’s quite a task to consciously relax and breathe. Sometimes (not always), my heart beats so hard and fast at climax that I feel like I’ll pass out. (I have a benign heart rhythm issue, so that shouldn’t be the problem, but I wonder if my other health issues, like inflammation, might be exacerbating that.)
So here is my question: are there resources to break that “blockage” in the nervous system, especially where it concerns sexual response? I’m continually looking for things in the fitness world to see what kind of exercises or methods might help, but I think I may need something more specific to address my tension while I’m engaged in self-pleasure.
What I don’t want is to get married someday and be unable to fully enjoy or embrace sexual activities with my husband because I’m so uptight; nor do I want to worry about being so tense and “stressed” during sex/masturbation that it does make me pass out. That’s never happened, but a few times when I’ve gotten up right after climax, the blood rushes out of my head and I almost fainted. I’ve learned to stay lying down for a few minutes. Also, whether it’s my health issues playing into it or the chemical changes after orgasm, or possibly being close to my period, I’ve sometimes gotten very depressed right after, and usually shaky, weak, and hungry, as if my blood sugar dropped.
Any ideas or advice?
Hmmm. Interesting. I don’t know if I really have anything to help, but I will say that I think to some extent (maybe not fully) a lot of what you’re feeling during masturbation is normal. While stroking I will tend to tense up too. Butt clenched slightly, leg muscles taunt, etc. I’ve never really thought about it, but now that you mention it that is kind of what happens. Also being in more taxing positions can make me shakey and weak after cumming, especially if I was really worked up and the orgasm was big. So I think to some extent it can be normal, but that’s just my experience haha.
Would getting into as relaxed of a position as possible help with this? Like just lying flat on your back on your bed?
Thanks for that! It actually is really reassuring to know I'm not the only one who experiences this!
This is a complex health issue LLL and I think most of us MHers don’t know how to address it. But I will give my take on it.
I don’t know this for certain, but maybe tensing up before orgasm is just how your body operates. My wife n I both tense up in the climb to climax. Maybe you are more normal than you realize. But maybe I’m misunderstanding your situation.
Also, with some really REALY intense orgasms I DO black out for a moment. When we were younger this used to be common in kneeling doggy style positions.
I don’t know about inflammation or other of your health issues. But I know about our health issues and they are extensive. Yet we find a way to make sex work. I hope that is encouraging to you.
All that being said, perhaps medical help or/& a therapist who is open about single client’s sexuality would be helpful. We saw a team of married sex therapists who really helped us.
I would be very interested in seeing a sex therapist at some point. Just waiting on some of my circumstances, mainly financial, to change.
Hi LLL, interesting question! a few thoughts from me; I think you are right to keep exercising and working on the physical nervous system, I think allot of what you're experiencing relates to the heart/head finding ways to work together and that can be very tricky, especially for women, when there are extra hormones involved! something like yoga can help with regulating breathing and bringing the physical/nervous system into better sync. There are many different schools to choose from, but the principles of breath, body and mindful movement tend to run through them all and have helped me massively with emotional regulation, and rediscovering my own sensual self. I think some of what you're experiencing is likely normal, and some of it is part of the wider exploration of female sexual understanding, that can be hard to do on your own, outside of marriage. Add to the fact you have written allot about how you differ from your family and upbringing in terms of your sexual understanding and freedom, so there is allot to catch up with. Lots of women experience adrenaline leakage after orgasm, which is why you might feel a bit low or shaken, this can be more pronounced in those of us who have characteristics of ADHD. Such things are hard to manage, but also normal for us. I think its important to remain calm, to love yourself and your body and let emotions flow, without judgement. As you explore, over time you'll come to understand what feels good, what doesn't when is the best time of day to enjoy self-care, and all that important stuff! you have been so open here with your exploration and vulnerability and that takes real strength. I have no doubts at all that all of this will make your marriage when it happens, stronger and ritcher. Till then, keep exploring, praying, playing, trying new things, and trusting yourself and I'm sure all of this will make sense in the fullness of time!
Thank you so much! This advice relieved my mind a lot. Yes, it is possible that much of this is just my unique female body. I am already doing some yoga-ish activities, but I will try to focus more on the breathing. I'd never heard of adrenaline leakage! I'll have to research that.
Hi LLL,
I’m no expert, but despite the anonymity here, I consider you a friend and did a little research in order to offer a suggestion.
I don’t know if any of this will help, but it certainly won’t hurt.
1. Shift to "Somatic" Exercises
Traditional stretching can sometimes cause tense muscles to "fight back" and tighten further. Somatics focuses on retraining the brain-to-muscle connection through slow, conscious, and gentle movements.
Pandiculation: Instead of stretching a tight muscle, first intentionally tense it more, then slowly release it. This teaches the brain to let go of the contraction.
Somatic Yoga/Movements: Gentle, slow movements combined with breath, such as pelvic tilts or "cat-cow" done on the floor, can help regulate your nervous system.
Shake it Out: Intentionally shaking your arms, legs, and torso for 1–2 minutes can help release "stuck" energy and tension from the body.
2. Nervous System & Vagus Nerve Regulation
Since you tend to hold your breath, your body needs active, daily reminders that it is safe, to stop the involuntary bracing.
Voo Sounding: Inhale deeply, then exhale with a long, low “vooooooo” sound. This stimulates the vagus nerve, which helps shift your body out of the stress response and into "rest-and-digest".
Orientation/Body Scan: Throughout the day, stop and slowly turn your head, letting your eyes land on something calm. This signals to your nervous system that you are safe in the present moment.
Humming: Hum a soft, low tune to create vibrations in your chest that help calm the vagus nerve.
3. Change the Breathing Technique
If you are already doing deep breathing, focus on making the exhalation twice as long as the inhalation (e.g., inhale for 4 counts, exhale for 8).
Diaphragmatic Focus: Ensure your belly expands on the inhale and falls on the exhale. Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly; only the hand on the belly should move.
Check-in Timer: Set a timer on your phone for every 2 hours to do a "breath check" and ensure you are not holding your breath.
4. Advanced Relaxation Techniques
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR): Systematically tense, then completely release, specific muscle groups from your toes to your head.
Heat Therapy: Use a warm bath or heating pad to help increase blood flow and loosen muscles.
Trigger Point Tools: If you have specific spots of tightness (e.g., between shoulder blades), use a tennis ball or lacrosse ball to apply pressure while lying on the floor, coupled with deep breathing.
5. Potential Underlying Factors
Magnesium Intake: Ensure you are consuming enough magnesium-rich foods (dark leafy greens, nuts, seeds) or consider an Epsom salt bath, as magnesium is essential for muscle relaxation.
Hydration: Dehydration makes muscles more prone to staying tight, so ensure you are drinking enough fluids.
Consult a Professional: If this persists, it may be worth consulting a physical therapist who specializes in chronic myofascial pain or a somatic experiencing practitioner.
Your body is possibly "addicted" to the protective, tense state. Shifting from intense effort (stretching/working out) to gentle, conscious movement (somatics/breath) can help your body learn that it is safe to let go.
KM, thank you so so much for taking the time to find and share all of this! I actually copied it so I could refer to it again! I was doing somatic movement for awhile. Maybe I will try to incorporate it again. The whole intentional breathing thing is so hard for me for some reason! I'll realize I am either holding my breath or breathing very shallowly. Oof. Got to work on that. Anyhow, I appreciate you and thank you for the suggestions!
Hello Lovely One,
This is one of those questions that doesn't necessarily have one straight answer.
There can be nervous or psychological reasons for what it is that you're having. But there can also be physical or medicinal reasons.
My first suggestion which I'm sure you have been doing already is to pray about it.
Sometimes prayer is answered in the most subtle and unexpected ways. But just keep yourself open for the answer.
Secondly if you are taking pharmaceuticals I would look into the side effects of them I know some SSRI's, can have certain effects on our nervous system and are sexual systems. Look into the pros and cons of them then talk to your doctors about it.
Next I would say to listen to a woman who I am referred to many times here she's on YouTube and has got podcasts available.
Her name is Dr Rena Malik, she's a urologist and pelvic surgeon. We have gotten much in the way of good information which has helped us in different areas.
And lastly whoever your OBGYN is if they aren't giving you the answers you're looking for, Don't feel like you have to stay with them we do some research on others I used to have a male OBGYN and he was pretty dismissive. I now have a female OBGYN and she is much more understanding and willing to hear what I have to say and willing to work with me on it.
This is not to say that men can I be good at this. But rather to say that just because someone is a doctor, doesn't mean they're a good doctor.
Lady L. ❤️
Absolutely Lady L! Prayer is a huge part of my life. I will often pray while masturbating! I'm being treated by a holistic practitioner for my health issues, so I have a lot of hope that I can come off the two meds I am on. I am familiar with Dr. Malik! I'll watch more of her videos and see what she says. Thank you for this helpful advice!
First, you may have low blood pressure, check with your doc. This will make you faint after getting up quickly, more so if you just had an orgasm.
My go to position when finger fucking myself – is laying on my back on my yoga mat with a pillow under my knees so I can really move into my fingers or toys. It's more comfy also if I have my anal plug in, prepping for Jim's whims.
So, good luck, keep in touch! 😉
The low blood pressure may indeed cause the dizzy spells, but I think it’s that her brain is not getting the oxygen it needs. In the Air Force Security Forces, some of us learned martial arts. We learned that proper breathing kept our minds clear of fog if we breathed properly.
Thank you CP! Yes, I often lay on the floor on my back and that helps. This post is a bit old by now lol, and I have felt that my masturbation over the last couple months has been improving. More on that in its own post!
This is a very important question, and I’m happy that you’re seeking advice.
I’m 68 and widowed, so my own masturbation has changed over the years, but what I’ve found about breathing and getting to a climax is this. As for breathing, you must breathe intentionally. Be mindful of your breathing. Breathe in, hold for a count of two, and breathe out, repeat. This will keep your brain oxygenated, and your veins, in and around your clitoris oxygenated as well. Do this every time until it becomes muscle memory.
Next, once you’re feeling the orgasm is building, keep the breathing rhythm going, but put your mind onto your clitoris. You might even benefit from earplugs in order to keep your mind centered on both your breathing, and the tension building up in your clit.
Love that advice of focused breathing through an orgasm! I will absolutely work on that! Thank you!
Hugs, LLL. My first thought is that if you learn to do some form of mindfulness meditation, breathing exercises, things of that sort, it might help. Something that has you considering your body and consciously relaxing periodically throughout your day. I'm sure you could find how-to videos online for that, although going to a doctor couldn't hurt either, if this is a chronic thing…
Thank you FM! That is definitely something I need! Something that helps me throughout the day.
LLL,
I purposely did not read anyone else's replies to your question, so that I could focus on my own impressions and answer.
I think that the root problem is spiritual, and not physical.
My impression is that you have some strong rejection in your past, and that it is affecting you in ways that you might not even realize. (I have had similar issues, and so "I know one when I see one".)
My suggestion is that you confide in a trusted pastor that has (or can recommend) a good deliverance* ministry. (*also known as an exorcism) I have been through two, and it helped a lot. It is different from what is portrayed in horror movies, etc., but it is not to be "toyed with".
Thank you TO47! That's an interesting suggestion! I am not aware of ever being rejected in my past, unless perhaps the lack of sex education from my parents (mainly my mom) counts. I've been blest with a family full of love and a very peaceful home life, so by God's grace I have no trauma, emotional wounds, or bitterness. I've definitely been praying about my spiritual state and reading some books about healing and deliverance. Having been raised very traditionally in little Baptist churches, I am still skeptical of things generally associated today with charismatic or Pentecostal movements. However, I also am questioning WHY certain views about healing, deliverance, generational curses, etc. have been taught if they may not be Biblically sound. This spurs me on to study more! I don't have a church right now, but have counseled with my former pastor many times. Thank you for your care and your advice! I will keep looking into that!
LLL,
The nature of demonic oppression is that sometimes people don't remember the original event. And, it might not have "seemed" to you like rejection at the time.
Also, girls analyze and internalize events differently than boys do. So, it could be something that I might never think of.
Some great advice offered her, Like what Kingdom Man said. Humans are incredibly complex bio-psycho-social beings, so much can influence our bodies. That said, coming from a medical background, I can offer this, low blood sugar may be associated with feeling faint, but most often, dizziness & feeling faint is due to low blood pressure, often from dehydration. Easy to fix..Drink more water! Might help if you hydrate before engaging in sex play. During & after orgasm, dopamine & oxytocin are released (neurotransmitters involved with feeling pleasure & promoting affection)..endorphins, our bodies form of narcotic-like pleasure are also released..which can contribute to relaxation & a drop in blood pressure.
Ask your family physician, LLL. I assume you go to a woman. Male physicians generally do not know what they are talking about when it comes to female sexuality and sexual issues.
If there's noting physically out of whack, then head to a sex counsellor/therapist. Shouldn't cost a whole lot. Even if you have to give up a few coffees, think of how beneficial it will be to you (and your partner) in the long run.