Struggle in Paradise
Hey all, I am struggling to converse with my wife about sex right now.
Currently, our minds are not meeting on the subject in order to be on the same page at the same time. We have never been super consistent, but we are in the middle of an especially rough patch with family issues, so we are not even having sex once a month.
I am sure she wants it at times, but I think I must be misreading her tiredness or game-playing in bed before sleep as disinterest. I have a hard time suggesting sex in those times, but I also have trouble trying to give her hints during the day. She is not the type to enjoy verbal innuendos during day, even though in the act of sex she loves good sex talk.
Family issues are also causing lots of small arguments, and the occasional larger ones, which means we may not be in mood due to frustrations in the home, or possibly even frustrations with each other.
I know I am not giving full details, but I need help with our intimacy life. I need my wife back, and she needs me back.
What are some subtle things I can say or do that would hint at my desire for her, and show her that I think she is beautiful?
I’ve tried texts, but she hates it because someone could read it. I’ve tried coming up behind her while she cooking and touching her bum as I pass her, but it usually doesn’t go well. I don’t tell her how beautiful she is enough, but when I do, my timing is off, and she thinks all I want is sex.
I am in a quandary and don’t know what to do. Please offer any suggestions you have.
Hi, im sorry that you guys are going through a tough time, stress can def impact intimacy with our spouses.
As far as any ideas, I think most women would love just hearing we're beautiful, just a "you look beautiful" or "I am so blessed to have such a caring and beautiful wife". I can't speak for your wife but i think most wives would not be upset by hearing that. 🙂
Also touch goes a long way too . While grabbing your wifes butt is great, if shes stressed or upset it might not go over too well like you mentioned, esp if she thinks its only being done to lead to sex. You could try a massage, whatever type she likes(foot, back, hand etc) and you can make it clear that you just want to give her a massage to help her relax. Bonus while giving her the massage you can tell her all the parts of her you find beautiful. Knowing the massage isnt trying for sex she can really take in your compliments.
And hey ill be honest there's plenty of times an innocent massage turns into something more so you still may get there anyways lol But yeah a massage is great bc esp with you guys dealing with a lot of stress n tension it might relieve that for her and maybe once shes less stressed and more relaxed itll lead to other things. 🙂
I think a lot of women feel more in the mood the more beautiful n less stressed we are so i truly hope these suggestions will help!
And I pray things will get better for you both and your family and you find a way to connect with each other. God bless!
Your story sounds so similar to mine & my wife's. Just recently we have been having regular sex, once a week. I would say for maybe 2 or 3 months now. But, the rut & monotony has yet to be worked out. Our sex has been as you describe, & still has the same flavor & context, even now, with sex once a week.
The biggest influence that has kept sex alive & off life support is what we have in common. We are dedicated to each other. Dedicated to our marriage, & kids. Life in general is who we are regardless of how easy or hard things get.
This is hard, but I had to be ok with no sex. Meaning, I could not take my frustrations out on her. Frustrations come out, even when you try not to. Those little, & big, fights happened. But, my context was about understanding more, with a little bit of standing my ground. I could not go through life being the guy my wife was always defending herself against. Fighting got us nowhere, & worse.
I took scripture literal. My wife felt like an enemy, when it came to sex, so I loved my enemy, did good to her, & prayed for her, & I, because this wasn't easy to do at times. I didn't push, if I were doing things she liked & she thought it was for sex, I corrected the statement, or sentiment, without anger, without attitude. As if we were having a normal calm conversation. But, then again I am a touchy feely kind of husband. So, my wife found out I meant it, pretty quickly. I didn't do things out of the usual, but I didn't let the fuss stop the usual, either. I regularly did things without wanting sex. Foot rubs come to mind. My wife loves a good foot rub. Once she said she wasn't in the mood for sex when I went to start rubbing. I shrugged it off & said I wasn't doing it for sex. I tried to stay the guy she wanted to marry. Not jumping through hoops, but not letting the frustration change me.
Even though she is not a communicator I am. I learned. I knew my audience. I chose when & what to say sparingly. My wife has always wanted sex (that's what she says) so I held her to that & talked with her, & sometimes at her, in the context of what she said, showed, & gave off to me.
She would understand our predicament, but she couldn't see past her self imposed limits. She wouldn't fight for what she wanted. Excuses would win. I would tell her that half the interest is knowing & anticipating your spouse wants & will have sex. That, this lent to my disinterest if I knew it wasn't there. That I would start to show less interest if this kept up. She understood.
Sometimes we had mutual attitudes but other times we argued, but nothing long. But, I had to express myself, very limited. I only brought sex up, or stepped into something sex, she said, when it was a place & time that she would understand it was ok to do. Not just when we could have sex, but usual times we both knew we would be having sex, & those usual flirty times she knew I was more flirty/handsy like getting ready for church (though this was a tricky time because she was hardly in the mood to flirt once she was in get ready to go to church mode. Sometimes, though, early Sunday mornings we would get some sex in. But, my communication wasn't always negative, & I tried hard not to make her be the bad guy, because that was already known to her.
She knew I wanted it more, & she knew she was shutting me down, a lot. She doesn't need reminding of that. She knows. I kept it all in the friendship we had that led us to the alter. I never acted like it was the end of the world. I put myself in her shoes. I saw that she actually had reasons for excuses, while I also saw she never found excuses to go out with her friends, vacations, or other things. Again, I chose when & what to say, but I never complained to her about the inconsistencies. I complained those things to God.
Eventually, our relationship started to get more peaceful. She started to talk more civil about sex. Still not big discussions. The more she didn't have to defend against my advances the more room she had to warm up to the sex she did want. I finally, just told her we should have sex every Saturday. She said ok. I still do most of the initiating, but I do see her making the effort. She doesn't turn me down. Now, I leave things be, & just gently try & work it into longer, more playful times, as I can.
None of this happened without Jesus. His attitude toward me was love her like He loves me.
To my surprise I didn't masturbate as much during those years, as I did as a teen. I may even JO more now. But, masturbation can help.
Lastly, I accepted that we are different. Generally, women want sex, but men need it. She is a different person than I am. Different parents, hometown, schools, friends, etc. I could not treat her like another version of me, nor anyone in my house growing up. I couldn't take her distance as an attack on me. That just made it worse. I wrestled with the rejection a lot. But, started believing the truth. She was still here & she still wants sex. As long as I had some indication she wanted it, I stayed in there fighting for it, as I could.
I had to respect who she was, though. How & what made her tick. What I thought was humor, she didn't. What I felt was ok, she may not. I had to learn that. Put out fires, don't make them burn higher.
Keep the faith, & walk through it with Jesus. Hope this helps. Prayin' for ya.
Thank you for the words. Things are getting smoother. Obviously not back to normal, but last night in the night, R needed some calming down. She has been in deep thought about everything coming in the next few months and so I just held her in bed. It helped that she had taken off her clothes and I was steaming hot from a sun day yesterday. So that stress relieving hold turned into a slow sensual sex night. It felt so good and there were no expectations and nothing dampening the moment. We are not completely better we likely need to see someone to talk through what has been happening and figure out the why or the how to walk through stressful moments, but last night was a rekindling of that and it was super hot and long lasting.
Instead of grabbing her bum, just give her a hug, then walk away after expressing a term of love and not sex.
Treat the problem and not the symptom. If there are family struggles, then address them. Sex will not cure them.
Wow that was great!
Short and sweet. No less useful though.
Im reading this thread with eager eyes.
y situation isn't the same but can learn.
My wife has been sick with diverticulitus. Had to have surgery. She is recovering still.Just last night she told me I know ur being patient. Haven't made love since last yr.
It can be frustrating but she helps me out at times .
I try to tell her pos things and hold her just for that.
Sure can relate to massages turning into more. Gotta love that.
Will accept prayers
James
The first thing I notice is that you're talking a lot about spontaneous, in-the-moment attempts at initiation and barriers to sex. (Reading or misreading her mood or sexual readiness at bedtime, giving hints during the day, seeking "subtle things" you can say, your timing being off, etc.)
What is your long-term approach like? Have you had a real conversation about your sex life? Not just coming up to her on a Saturday morning and saying, "Hey, can we have sex?" or "Hey, we haven't had sex in a while, we should fix that," or talking about specific techniques, positions, or other things to try.
What I mean is, have you sat down with her and had an actual conversation where you do the following things?:
— You both acknowledge the serious lack of sex in your marriage.
— You both speak about how that makes each of you feel.
— You both discuss what you both think are the contributing factors.
— You both discuss how much of a priority you both think it should be to find a solution to this problem.
If you haven't had a conversation like this where you're taking primarily about your sex life for at least 20-30 minutes to get deep into it—including the highly problematic infrequency, the fact that it needs to be fixed, and how it's contributing to negative feelings in the relationship—then it's a conversation you need to have. Family issues or not, you both need to acknowledge that a strong marriage is absolutely vital in EVERY phase of life, ESPECIALLY when there are outside stressors.
In my opinion, the marriage relationship—including sex—must be made a priority unless there is literally an active life-or-death situation that needs attention. Even in seasons of family turmoil, or even the loss of a family member, I'm of the opinion that sex should remain a priority. Spouses should WANT it to remain a priority even in those seasons! Other than hope in Christ, what could be more comforting in a season of grief than the intimate love of a spouse? Now of course, the day after losing a loved one certainly isn't the time to try out a new kink, but it's a perfectly good time for some tender, comforting lovemaking. And of course, there's room for extra grace and leniency in difficult times like that. Sex should remain a priority, but neither spouse should demand sex, or put pressure on the other for it, especially in already-difficult times.
So all that is to say that family turmoils shouldn't be a reason for a couple's sex life to suffer. If the family turmoil is causing trouble and/or division in the marriage relationship, which it sounds like it might be, then that's a separate issue that needs to be dealt with.
So to me, this sounds like a prioritization issue and a general relationship issue, not a sex issue, and not an issue with your approach. Sure, it couldn't hurt to do some things like providing compliments and acts of service just because you love her, completely disconnected from any expectation of sex. In fact, I think that's a great thing. But if you're doing it in the hopes of causing more sex, it's probably going to backfire. It has to be truly selfless.
But beyond that, it sounds like it's the relationship that needs work, and the way you two approach life together (or with an unhealthy separateness) in general. I would especially think this is the case if your sex life has been decent in the past, but worsened as more recent issues caused relational divisions. My suggestion is that you two need some time together away from any intruding chaos, to reconnect mentally and emotionally, realign with what you want in your shared lives and marriage, and commit to action steps to achieve those life and marriage goals. It helps if you start by defining what's important to each of you, and a hierarchy of priorities. If you both acknowledge that your marriage is more important than family drama, and commit to acting in accordance with that belief, you may be on the right track.
I'm no professional counselor or relationship coach, but I hope that can help a bit anyway. You're in my prayers, along with the rest of the MH couples!