Body Insecurities
Hello, all!
So, as the title states, this post is asking advice on how to go about dealing with insecurities. Well, I guess ‘dealing with’ gives it a bit of a negative connotation.
My wife and I have a three-year-old son, which has hindered our sex life quite a bit. But it’s not just a problem of not being able to find the time. My wife has also become quite insecure about herself. I try to tell her how incredibly beautiful I find her, but she doesn’t believe me. I was wondering if I could receive some advice from all you lovely couples here who seem to have your lives together.
Thank you very much!
–Michael
I’m sorry your wife has been having trouble. I know I’ve wasted to much time feeling insecure about my body. When I was pregnant with our children I got a few stretch marks on my belly from them and have gotten scars from surgery, I felt very self conscious about them for awhile, but one day I realized, it’s all part of my story and life. I’m a living, breathing, human being, not some factory-made commodity item to be thrown out if it gets a few bumps and scrapes on it. My body tells my story and my husband has been along on that story and thinks I’m beautiful and sexy the way I am, imperfections and all. Just like I think he’s sexy and handsome the way he is, imperfections and all. I pray your wife can realize how special and beautiful her body’s story is to you and for herself! God bless!
Michael – I’m no expert. To me, you have time on your side. Your consistent, sincere encouragement
and compliments – along with prayer – will be the steady stream that she drinks from in the long run.
I don’t know how much you talk during sex – but praise her in various ways during those moments. Let
her associate it with sex. Also, don’t stop praising her for her inner beauty as well. Let her know that you
love the whole package of who she is. Perhaps you are already doing all of this. If so, I go back to my
original point – in the long run, your consistent message will resonate. God bless you! LH
TO be honest, I think our insecurities in general have resulted from magazines, and other media portraying “perfect” women, but what some don’t realize is that there are men who actually don’t like that super-toned type (not speaking for all men), and that those images are usually photoshopped to be made perfect.
Your wife is God’s creation as we all are, and don’t let her forget it. She’s beautiful and God doesn’t make mistakes. Always tell her that she’s beautiful, that NEVER gets old. You should also make her feel beautiful – bring her flowers, do things around the house. I’ve found something interesting on the internet, and this is one of the things the page had to say about helping a woman feel confident in her own skin:
“If she is insecure, assure her how much she is loved and cared for. Give her verbal affirmation of how and why she is beautiful, and emphasize more than her physical beauty, but instead pay heed to her internal beauty and her special gifts and talents.”
I think that’s spot on. May God bless you both 🙂
That feeling of not believing I was sexy and desirable after the children were born is still fairly fresh in my mind. For me, there were a couple different issues at play. One of them I addressed recently in a post called “having sex vs. being sexual.” But I didn’t specifically talk about body image there. Body image, though is a big deal. I think, though, that the phrase body image can be a little misleading and even shallow sounding. At least for me, my lack of sexiness went way beyond the image I saw in the mirror. Let me try to explain. Before I had a baby, I knew who I was. I was a sexy young woman. I had a man and a career. I was active at my church. I was the kind or person who would to to Africa on a mission trip all by myself just on a whim. And then the baby came. And I had a new identity as mommy. And I instantly lost a lot of the freedom and autonomy that had previously defined who I was on the inside. I was suddenly tied to this tiny helpless child in a way that no one else, not even my husband was. And I felt a little trapped. And I felt like I’d lost a lot of who I was. And when I looked in the mirror, I saw a dumpy looking girl who looked a little like the girl I used to be. But she wasn’t me. I didn’t know who this new girl was. And I didn’t have time for a very long time to figure out who she was because I was so busy feeding the baby and changing diapers and doing all of those new baby/toddler things that are so consuming and so very important.
And when my husband told me I was beautiful, I didn’t believe him. Or maybe, I did believe him and it just didn’t mean anything to me because I didn’t know who I was…. I had misplaced my sense of self… So being told I was beautiful didn’t really mean much. Kinda like seeing a beautifully decorated cake and taking a bite of it only to discover it was frosting all the way through with no cake inside. Only an outward shell, with no substance inside.
And sexiness comes from a deep internal well. It’s not an external thing. So if the well is dry, there really isn’t anything there at all.
I don’t know if this experience is just mine or it it is a common one. But in retrospect, I think one of the biggest things that someone could have done for me back then was give me time. I have a dear friend who is an ace at demanding time for herself in the midst of her life with three children under the age of 5. She makes sure she has at least one morning or evening a week where she doesn’t have any child or household responsibilities. She goes and sits at Caribu and reads a novel. Or she goes for a hike. Or she goes fishing. And if she doesn’t get that time during the week, when Sunday morning rolls around she packs up the kids, sends them to church with their father, and takes that morning off instead. I think this friend of mine is a genius. But I was never that wise when I had little kids underfoot. I just drained myself down to nothing. And like I said before, I lost who I was. And that, more than anything I saw in the mirror, made me feel unsexy and undesirable.
So, my advice is to find ways to give your wife time. Give her time to find out who she is again. Give her time to get in touch with her body and her inner self again. Maybe she’ll use the time to read, or to train for a 5k. Maybe it’s possible in your schedule for you to send her on a weekend trip with her girlfriends. Whatever! But give her time. Let her figure out whose is again so that she has something deep and rich to share with you in bed at night.
And also, remember that it takes about 4 years for a woman’s body, vitamin levels, hormones, etc. to recover from having a baby. So even though that birth seems like a long time ago to you, you’re wife still has 25 percent of her recovery ahead of her.
Dear michael
So sweet that you are writing in with concern for your wife, just had to comment being the Mama of five beautiful blessings ,and they were all large sized babies , so my body is certainly not like it used to be! Personally I have not struggled too bad with my body image, but found my confidence in myself and my sexuality increased with each baby! But I have two lovely sister in laws both first time mothers, who think they look terrible, truth is they look incredible ! So I hear what your saying, I certainly don’t have any answers, but certainly agree with Harper Shelby Thorntons ( totally love you btw) comment about image portrayed in the media, and some woman are just huge perfectionists ! My advice is to seek God in prayer, that she will receive your comments and words as truth in Jesus name! God Bless you and your beautiful wife.
Thank you all so much! When I read all of this, I took it all and used it. It’s worked so far! I’m still working on getting her to believe me, but it’s easier for her to believe it now than it was before
Well I had my times too ( after the baby) and i think it is normal 🙂 so just tell her how beautiful she is all the time and she will over come it 🙂
Take care.
My wife to has struggled with body image. Mostly it comes from past abuse in her life. But also after pregnancy (we have 2 beautiful daughters). I love gazing at my wife’s naked body. She is incredibly beautiful. A big thing that has helped my wife is when i let her know how beautiful she is. Whenever I see my wife I let her know how beautiful she is. If she walks into our bedroom and starts to undress I immediately drop whatever I am doing and stare at her. When she asks what I am doing, which she almost always does I tell her that I’m enjoying the beautiful view that God created for me. This has brought her to tears in the past, sometimes she finds it hard to believe that I think she is as beautiful and she is. And then she’ll say, ‘you really mean it, don’t you?’ Of course I mean it, it’s the truth!!!
One area she has struggled with since having kids is her breast size. They’re bigger now. She at times will comment that they’re too big. Or ask if I miss when they were their previous size. I let her know that they are amazing, they were amazing before, they are amazing now. I love that God has given me this variety while I am faithful to one woman who I love with all that I am.
It has been the constant positivity from me that makes her realize that she is in fact beautiful. I also love to point out when I catch another man ‘checking her out’. It happens more than she realizes. And by pointing it to her it lets her know that it’s not just me who finds her beautiful, but that she really truly is beautiful!