I Need Help
Hi everyone, I am 23 and have been married for two years. For the past year and a half of my marriage, our sex live has been nonexistent. Both my wife and I had never had sex before we were married. So we both knew that it was going to be a challenge. We had pre-marriage counseling before we married, and we felt fairly ready for it when the wedding night came. However, now might be a good time to mention the first problem. I have never penetrated my wife. I have tried multiple times over the two years of our marriage, but every time I try she complained it hurts too much. I have tried lubricants, making sure she is relaxed, and extensive foreplay. I have even tried eating her out first until she is about to orgasm and then try. But she instantly complained that it hurts too much.
She has gone to the doctor, and they say everything is fine. One doctor gave her some exercises to do with a candle to make her bigger, and she did them for a week and then stopped. I offered to help if she felt uncomfortable with it, but she refused. So now we stick to sometimes oral sex and most of the time bumping with our clothes off. I don’t want to force her to do something that hurts her, but I do want to have children some day and be able to experience the fulfillment of sex with my wife.
I know this post is already very long I apologize, but the next issue is the sex drive of my wife. As I mentioned before, we both do not have experience, but we have some books that could prove helpful. So the main times that my wife and I have “sex” is at night right before we go to bed. We have dinner, watch some TV, and then got ready for bed. My wife will put on lingerie and crawl into bed expecting sex. She only puts the lingerie on when there is the possibility of sex. If I try any other time, I usually get turned down, or we have terrible sex. If I am exhausted when she puts the lingerie on and don’t want to do it, then she feels rejected and gets upset, and an argument breaks out. I have told her how I feel about it, and how I think things can be better. I also mention how we should be more spontaneous, and she says she understands but nothing changes.
I am open to any suggestions. Thanks.
Ian first of all thank you for sharing something so personal and intimate, I have been married for 7yrs and certainly no expert or can even say that I understand what you are going through but you stated that she has gone to doctor and everything is fine but was then given an exercise to do with a candle and then stopped, maybe marriage counseling is an option because there might be some past trauma there that she is too ashamed to speak of. I also am not a doctor but it sounds like something I have read before see this link below and research this topic.Hope this helps.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
Ian- First, I’m going to piggy-back on the link that Hopeful Hubby shared. I am not saying she definitely has vaginismus, but if she does, I think that there is a chance that if she went to a regular obgyn they might have missed it. I would recommend, if you can find one if your area, that she tries going to a “women’s health physical therapist” instead. But she might have to go back to the obgyn to get a prescription for the PT, so just be aware of that. In my experience, medical doctors don’t know a whole lot about muscles and how they work together, and a whole lot of our very real issues can be cleared up simply spending some time working with someone who does understand muscles a little better. So, if you are thinking there is still a chance this is a medical problem, PT is the route I would go.
The other thing I’m wondering is if you’ve tried different angles of penetration. It took us two or three days after our wedding to figure sex out because of pain, and when we finally managed it, we were trying doggie style. Once we got over that first penetration, I never had any pain again, but it took some determination to get there. Also, have you ever tried penetrating her after her orgasm? I know I find that I often crave penetration more once I cum. Another option might be sex toys? How thick was this candle she was using, was it as thick as you are? What if you find an object that is similar in size to you and you tease her with it while you can watch both her face and the penetration. The perk of getting through that first big penetration with an object rather than you is that you won’t get all the emotional rejection stuff wrapped up with it if it doesn’t work out.
My heart really goes out to you two. I hope you can figure this out. And seriously, I know others have already said it, but if you can’t solve this on your own soon, you really ought to look into some sort of counseling. There are people who help solve these kinds of problems for a living and they will be much better equipped to help the two of you work through this than any of us here are.
Hi Ian. I want to reinforce other comments here. I too suspect that there may be some past trauma. Sexual abuse of young girls and woman even within a church environment or even a Christian home is much more common than most Christians think. Not saying this is the cause of your wife’s situation as vaginismus is another possibility but your submission does raise some questions that need answering. I would suggest you find a Christian counsellor trained in Sexual issues but ask around as good ones with this expertise are not that common. God bless and I wish you well.
Hi there,
My husband and I were married young as well. I was very nervous about sex as we were both virgins when we got married. You’re situation sounds very similar to ours. I think being so young I was naive about sex, I was insecure, and thought it wasn’t right just to let myself go. I wanted everything to go just right, and if it didn’t it I was done. I think it took my husband and I two years before we actually had real sex. I was on birth control (wish I hadn’t ever used it) and I know that caused a lot of issues with my hormones and sex drive. I found once I ditched the birth control and stuck to natural family planning things changed for us. I felt more relaxed and my sex drive definitely changed for the better. Being so young I also had a lot of worries about getting pregnant as we were still completing our studies. Not sure how your wife feels, but I know I felt very insecure, I felt like I was a kid still, so inexperienced. My husband like you, was very patient with me, he never made me feel bad about not wanting to have sex. We’d try and every time I’d almost come to tears due to the pain it caused.
What I can suggest is if there are any insecurities she might feel, make sure you always make her feel like your wife, like she’s the only women in the world. Most of all Pray to God about it, I know he answered my prayers. My husband and I have been married for 13 years now and I can promise you it will get better. Our sex life is very good, and because of the hurdles we had in the beginning I in a way still feel like newly weds because there is still so much we haven’t discovered sexually with each other. I also know when we were ready to have children sex became very fun. Sorry for the long rant, I hope in some way this helps. Good luck and God bless.
Hey there, Ian! Hopeful Hubby and Mali had such great advice, I wouldn’t know what to add except that i admire your desire to help your wife and be kind and thoughtful to her. Maybe, like HH said, going to counseling or talking to a pastor or close godly friend would help. You two are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing!
Just shove it inside her once all the way when she least expects it. Be a Man !
I don’t think that’s very good advice Alexander it’s not about being a man and what you are describing is called forcing yourself on your wife.
Maybe I’m just sensitive on this but this sounds really harsh to me, Alexander. I understand what you mean but from a perspective of a soft-hearted, inexperienced girl, I’m just gonna stand up and openly admit that this would terrify me. I’ve read Nugget’s story (“Breaking the Hymen”) – I haven’t commented on it because I am in a personally delicate phase of decisionmaking, where I just need to take some time to clear my head – I’m personally very grateful that Nugget and his wife shared their story and that they have written it from both perspectives and that they have captured all of this so tangibly, in such a relatable way. I will not be ashamed to say that as I read Nugget’s story, as I read how it hurt his wife and how she wanted and pleaded with him to get off of her and how he didn’t, I got scared badly (Dear Nugget, this is in no way your fault – let there be no doubt: you did great and your story is wonderful and I’m so grateful you’ve shared it! God bless you and your wife!!). I did picture myself in the situation Nugget described, and frankly fear gripped me big time. To be fair, I should just mention that I’ve been pondering back and forth the past few weeks some stuff in myself before Nugget’s story came my way. Anyways, I don’t know if I could take this “taking by force”. I love Nugget’s heart – I love that he saw the pain and that he was pained himself, he was touched at heart himself to see the hurt in his wife (which is what is especially meaningful in this whole story to me). The attitude Nugget displays is endearing (and I’m glad and so happy for Krissi and him that it went well for them). He didn’t just have an attitude of “Just shove it inside her once all the way when she least expects it. Be a man!”, which sounds so awefully like a kind of man that would not give a damn about how his wife experiences the whole encounter – and I’ll say it openly… to me, personally, this kind of harsh attitude would be traumatic. It may result in negatively affecting the bonds of trust and understanding that I would have with my husband. The men on here can think of me whatever they want – call me a chicken if you want – but that’s just my point to this and it comes from my heart. God bless y’all!
It might be useful to be tested for hormone levels in both of you. Vagisimus, that is a squeezing shut of the vagina is related to a lack of testosterone in the female and is easily treated.
I’m sorry but this needs to be said: A year and a half without sex?! Does she have any idea how much of a nightmare that is for a 23 year old husband? If all she lets you do is rub up against her, can’t she at least let you do that whenever you want?
get her a vibrator. Stand back and ket her explorer wills. Soon she will see hat it does not hurt enough t delay what she really wants. A glass of wine might help! Good luck, god bless you and your patience with your wife!