Using MH Stories to Fuel Desire

On a comment from a previous post (Thoughts on Lust), someone raised an important question:

Is it okay to use other people’s stories on here to fuel the desire for your spouse?

I want to thank “Catherine” for raising this issue.  It’s an important question that must be considered as we read the sexual adventures of other people.  On this site we are essentially opening the doors of our bedroom on this site for all to see.  And we are peeking into the bedrooms of others.  This is, of course, done anonymously, safely and respectfully.  And we have some wonderful, dedicated people to oversee what is posted.  But even with these guidelines, it is an important question.  We are still reading and sharing intimate details of our most intimate moments.  Certainly we would want to make sure we were not creating a potential problem for ourselves or others.

I would like to offer some brief thoughts on this for your consideration.

1. We often use cards, poems, and songs to inspire our love for our spouse.  Many times we hear a song and think of our spouse.  Or we give our spouse a meaningful card with a loving message inside that SOMEONE ELSE wrote.  Yet we spend the $3.99 (or more!) on it and we sign, “Love, (your name here)” and we give it to them.  And it brings us together.  Is it okay to use someone else’s thoughts in a greeting card to fuel and build desire for one another?  Have you ever considered that a simple greeting card is written by someone else, yet you use their words to express and fuel your love for your spouse?  What’s the difference?

2. In the same way we watch romantic movies and romantic comedy movies, and that fuels our desire for our spouse.  How many times have you watched a romantic movie and thought, “I love my spouse the same way those people on screen love each other.”  Now this one can get a little tricky because there is great temptation for the movie to go the other way.  Many people have idolized the characters or the actors.  How many times have you heard of women talking about the male actor and how “cute” or “sexy” he is?  Or men talking about how “hot” a female actress is?  Yet we don’t ever question whether it’s okay to go see the movie?  Often couples go see the romantic/romantic comedy movies as a date.  But it isn’t so much the movie that is good or bad, but which direction we allow our thoughts to go when and after watching it.  We can daydream about the actor in the movie, or we can turn to our spouse and be thankful that we have someone who has committed to us for life.  One thing that helps is to remember that “sexy” isn’t all about looks, but it’s about how we treat each other.  Your spouse may have some extra weight, they may leave dirty clothes on the floor, they may not be as “perfect” as the Hollywood stars, but you know for a fact they love you and would do anything for you.  And you know you have built a life and a home and a family with them.  And you let that remind you that those things are sexy to you, not some actor.  So we can use a movie to fuel desire for our spouse.

3. I would submit to you that ANYTHING that fuels our desire for our spouse is good!  We are living in a day where marriage isn’t valued as it used to be.  Commitment is seen as “boring.”  Being with the same person for the next 30-50 years is seen as “stale” and “lacking originality” to the world.  And we are constantly bombarded with that message daily.  So I would think anything that you use to fuel desire for your spouse, and not someone else, would be useful.

“So what if I look at porn to fuel my desire for my spouse?”  This is also an important question.  The simple reality is that porn doesn’t work that way.  Porn is designed to fuel desire for the porn (And for more porn!).  And many studies and observations have shown this to be true.  Jesus said, “A tree is recognized by its fruit.”  What is the fruit of porn?  Even when both spouses agree to it?  It makes the man desire more porn, not his wife.  And it makes the wife feel self conscience about herself because she doesn’t look like and act like the women in porn.  It can also make the man self conscience of his “performance” as well as his looks.  He doesn’t have six pack abs like the men in porn.  Maybe he can’t last as long or he’s not as big as the men in porn, etc.  Over and over this is the “fruit” of porn.  Not to mention that porn use (whether individual or as a couple) always demands more.  It may start out as simply looking at a Playboy, then it progresses to watching videos of people having sex, then it progresses to more extreme things such as: multiple partners, group sex, violent actions, etc.  And most porn is degrading to women.  So no, this will not fuel your desire for your spouse.

But considering the world we live in and the lack of respect for marriage, anything that fuels our desire for our spouse, our marriage and our marriage bed is a good thing.

4. In Romans 12:1 The Message we read: “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering.  Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.” We often divorce our spirituality from the rest of our life.  We consider spirituality an activity for certain days or certain times of day.  Go to church, go to a retreat, have your morning quiet time, say your evening prayers, etc.  But then we get up and go about our day.  Our “real life.”  But Paul says our real life, with all its day to day monotony IS our spiritual life.  We are not to separate our spirituality from the normal day to day activity.

In the same way, we also divorce our sexuality from the rest of our life.  Again we go into the bedroom to be sexual, then we exit to live our life.  Chores, jobs, kids, bake sales, bills, church, etc. all consume our thoughts and we relegate our sexuality to when we’re in the bedroom.

But it occurs to me that our spirituality and our sexuality are the only two things we take with us everywhere we go.  No matter what we do or where we go, we are spiritual beings.  And no matter what we do or where we go, we are sexual beings.  Even if we’re not aware of either one. Or even if we’re only dimly aware of it.  (For instance if we are only conscience of God’s existence.  Or if we are only conscience of being male or female.)  Either way, our spirituality and our sexuality defines us in more ways than we realize.

Therefore everything we encounter in our lives should direct our thoughts to God and our spouse.  Whether we hear a joke, watch a sunset, read our Bible, or if we get turned on sexually through a thought or a Marriage Heat story, our thoughts should immediately go to both: “Praise God for creating this” and “I can’t wait to share this with my spouse.”

Of course we must use wisdom in this.  But the overall idea is that when we experience anything in life, we should direct our thoughts to both God and our spouse.  We shouldn’t divide our lives into compartments.  For our everyday life is both our spiritual and sexual life.

I hope this helps clear up confusion about the question.  I hope to hear from “Catherine” on whether this helps you specifically.  I look forward to the comments.

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3 replies
  1. Wanted Always says:

    God put the Song of Songs in His book and I’m sure said “It is good.” We don’t see them but their conversation and actions are a real desire maker. try reading that book to your spouse in some of the newer translations and guys will find parts of them stand tall and women will get wet. He blessed them and said, ‘It is Good.”

  2. Curtis Cruff says:

    From 55 years and still its Hot

    Thanks Horny Hubby
    You make some really helpful comments! thanks. with regard to reading, looking, fantasy, movies,… we have the realities of how our mind works. Any sexual inspiration we receive which we translate to our beloved is to be cherished and used for hot sex for both of us. The Song of Songs in the Bible is there for that very purpose. If however that inspiration is used to desire anyone other that my beloved is not helpful, and in fact is harmful to our personal cherished relationship. Happily, WE control our own thoughts. No one else does. All hot experiences must be used for my beloved and me.

    With regard to your comments re: Porn. As you present porn in your blog, I say right on. However, I do believe there are some very explicit videos done with committed couples that are helpfully instructional. Positions, use of carefully designed pillow type tools, and some equipment notions. As my bride and I have moved now into our mid 70’s, some positions are much too painful, and alternatives need to be found. Trust me, the passion and desire have not abated (YEA!) but we need some new notions. For instance, for me to give my precious bride a good tongue lashing in her “hot bottom” , we need firm properly angled lifting. I have had two whip lash injuries, and need to be careful of myself, and gee whiz, it’s hard to be careful as her moaning increases to not mess up my neck. So we have been GREATLY helped with some very sexy explicit DVD’s. Just a thought. Interested in some responses.

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