On the verge of affairs and want to stop it…please help!

I love my husband dearly. We have been together now six years and have been

through so much heartache and pain. This year we are renewing our vows after being on the threshold of a divorce. There is no one in this world that I love so dearly as my J. But I am at a crossroads with our sex life.

Things have become very bland and predictable. I am the victim of sexual assault as a child and as a young woman. I need a lot of foreplay to get me into the mood and wet enough that intercourse is not painful to me. Besides putting me in the mood, foreplay is a great way for me to feel connected to my husband. In rape, there is never foreplay. So this is something that I desire and need. But our foreplay is almost like a choreographed dance. We start with the kissing, the neck rubbing, and then move onto touching and petting. I try to talk to him about not touching me down there right away as it is painful for some reason. I try to make it clear that going for the clit right away does not turn me on. I like the build-up of emotions and pleasure. I like to have an aching need first. However, he doesn’t listen.

Then I have asked him what feels good to him. I have tried kissing his neck and his sides and abdomen. Apparently his neck and sides are too ticklish for me to kiss or touch. I have tried nibbling on his earlobe with the same results as the sides and neck. Maybe I need more therapy to get over the rape but oral sex for me is a big no-no. I cannot perform because of the horrible flashbacks that it produces. Likewise, I do not ask for oral sex because I don’t think it is fair to receive if I am not willing to give.

Finally, intercourse has become a routine too. It is always missionary and quick to end. He gets off almost immediately and I am left to masturbate to finish. We had some great sex when we first got together but now I feel so empty and lost. I’m scared because the last time I felt this way (with my ex-husband) I went and looked for sexual gratification outside the marriage bed. I know this is not what God wants for my life nor do I want to be the cheating wife again. I feel like I have tried it all. I have asked for more spontaniety, asked for what I wanted, etc. but he is so closed about trying new things. I have asked for dirty talk, asked for him to whisper things in my ear ( like “I want to have sex with you”, or “I want to screw you so bad”), little things to start off with. I am not expecting the hard-core dirty talk with the swear words and “cock”, “pussy”, “fuck”, etc. that comes from knowing a person totally. I know he may never be comfortable with that.

Long story short, tonight when I told him what I wanted he shut down completely and we never had sex. Instead, he went and shaved and I am left here writing this and aching for fulfillment. I can easily log onto a porn site to finish what we started but while it satisfies the physical need it does not satisfy any other need. I find my mind wandering to other men and I am scared. I have looked at wanted ads, just imaging what it would be like if J and I did the things that these other men speak of. It’s not fair to him or to me.

I write this here because I fear that I will look for a sexual gratification outside the home. I have three beautiful children with J and I don’t want to hurt them by cheating nor do I want to hurt the man that is so perfect for me in every other way. I need help to see clearly and advice on how to fix this problem. It is so easy to throw vows out the window but I don’t want that. I don’t want a failed marriage because I couldn’t find the gratification and intimacy that I desire with my wonderful husband. Could any of you help me to figure out what I am to do about this? Thank you for the wonderful stories you all share. I love them all so much…but they make me sad too because I want that for my own marriage. The love and devotion each of you have to your spouse is amazing, inspirational, and something I crave for my own life.

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12 replies
  1. Blondie says:

    I think you should definitely seek a therapist about your issues regarding sex from your past abuse as well as seek counseling together about this. I was sexually abused as a child. I understand how there are triggers, but the main thing is… this is your husband and you can be free with him sexually and that includes communicating and working through your walls with him. You have children with him. He wants to stay with you. These are all things you need to work through with trusting him. I am wondering if maybe your husband could also be having trouble with sexually approaching you because of your mental state in this area. He could feel just as afraid of triggering something as you are. Communicate. I cannot stress that enough. But always do so calmly and rationally, not based on an emotional feeling. Let yourself cool off if you are hurt or confused by something, think about it in a way that will best help you communicate what is going on in your mind and try not to blame him as that may shut him off and not help the situation. I know it can be frustrating, but it is important to try and see things from his perspective, and then communicate your own. I highly recommend that if your husband wants to go down on you, to let him (even if you’re not going down on him, I give oral to Josh more than he goes down on me, it’s not a “I do this so you have to do this” kind of thing), but if that’s not on the menu and if he seems to ejaculate pretty fast after penetration, maybe some fingering or sex toys can help you get off before you have penetrative intercourse. It may be tempting to think the grass is greener somewhere else and give up, especially because it can be painful to get through sexual issues that have been long in the making, but remain true to your vows and don’t look elsewhere. Even if you were to go to someone else no relationship is perfect and you may encounter the exact same issues with another relationship because you may need to work more through your trauma. I just prayed for you and that your mind can heal and I am sure others who visit Marriage Heat will do the same.

  2. Madeleine 27 says:

    This is why we have marriage heat so people Don’t have affairs. I believe you need to get your relationship with God right first. I’m not saying you don’t have a relationship with him but really read his word and pray and become connected with god because when your relationship with god isn’t right your relationship with others aren’t right Also go to therapy

  3. Believe in Marriage says:

    I applaud your honesty in this forum, your desire to honor your vows and preserve your marriage and family. An affair will NOT resolve these issues, only compound them. Agree with Blondie that best course is therapy – for you individually and as a couple. Folks rarely think twice about seeking treatment and rehab therapy for a physical wound but seem much more reticent to seek help for emotional traumas. YOU go, even if he won’t. YOU CAN HEAL. I know from experience. God can use your healing to bring healing to your marriage relationship, as a ministry to others. God cares for you and His desire for you is GOOD. Praying for you with love.

  4. JazzdBoutH&N says:

    I agree with Blondie on oral sex. One thing you should realize is that J married YOU! He wants to pleasure you. Let him pleasure YOU!

    Speaking from experience of a man who has contemplated leaving my wife, I always cure myself by serving my wife. When I humble myself, get out of my own gratification, and focus on her needs, our marriage works.

    Jesus was the ultimate example of serving others with no thought of any reward. This works in marriage and life. When you feel down, instead of wallowing in self pity, get out and serve someone. In this case, your hubby. Part of that service might be to let him give you the pleasure he desires to give you in any way he can.

    Find a great family counselor. Not one that comes highly recommended but one that gets you and your hubby. One that laughs at what you laugh at, cries when you cry, one that you feel touches your soul. You may have to do a lot of searching, but again, from experience, it is well worth the search when you find your soul-mate-therapist.

    Our therapist saved our marriage. If she would have been anyone else, I believe we’d be in the divorce stage at this moment. She is very important to both of us.

    God bless and good luck. I hope everything works out for you both.

  5. JazzdBoutH&N says:

    I read this to my wife and asked her what she would tell you. Her response: “Give more”.

    When I read it out loud, I realized I must have skimmed a lot. I missed a lot of you saying “me” and “I”.

    In my response above, I advised you to serve more. I double down on that advice. Forget about your needs. Focus on J’s needs. I believe that alone will get you on the path you desire to be on.

    It’s been said that men need 3 things in life. Food, praise, and sex. If he ain’t horny, make him a sandwich and let him know he’s your strong, handsome man. If he’s not hungry, fuck him good and tell him how sexy he is.

  6. HornyHubby says:

    Good for you for speaking out about this! It’s good that you are seeking advice and help rather than just rushing into something you may regret later. I’d like to share some of my thoughts I had as I read your post.

    First of all, when you say that you like to have a build up to touching your clit and it hurts when he jumps right to that…let me assure you that his is very normal and common even among women who were not abused in any way. It’s normal to need the foreplay and buildup. It’s also normal for the clit to hurt when it is touched prematurely. So just know that you are normal in that regard. 🙂

    You say you’ve been married six years and that the sex was great in the beginning. Again this is also fairly normal. In the beginning it’s new so it’s exciting and passionate. But then the “new” wears off and you start to settle into a routine. Throw in a job, maybe some school, bills, groceries, laundry, kids, etc. and it starts to take its toll. This is also very normal and this is the biggest challenge to marriages I think. I don’t think that affairs and divorce are the biggest problems facing marriages today. It’s busyness. I’ve seen too many couples who never divorced or cheated, but they aren’t living out their marriage. They’re too busy. This is normal though and this is what every marriage has to fight against. This is where things like Marriage Heat can be a great benefit. And like Blondie said, if you left him you would face the same problem with another man eventually.

    I think you mentioned that you had some counseling. I would encourage you to continue this or resume this if you have stopped. Furthermore, I would encourage you to read some books that can help with the healing process. I will list some of my recommendations here:

    1. A Healing Marriage by Brad and Cheryl Tuggle (the female author of this book was sexually abused herself and together they started a ministry to sexual abuse victims. This book teaches how to use your marriage to help you heal from sexual abuse as well as how to heal your marriage.)

    2. Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (this is a book about women and written to women. I would encourage your husband to read it too.)

    3. Walking with God by John Eldredge

    4. Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (this is his book written to men about men but you should read this as well as your husband.)

    I like to tell couples for the husband to read Wild at Heart and underline the things that really speak to them or stand out. At the same time, the wife reads Captivating and does the same with the underlining. Then they swap and you can read Wild at Heart but with his notes and he can read Captivating with your notes. This way it’s more personalized to you.

    In fact I would encourage your husband to read all these books too. Tell him it will help him understand you and help heal you. 🙂

    And at some point I would think your husband would be involved in the counseling with the counselor.

    As far as the sex being routine, I think this is normal as well. My wife and I have a general routine that we use. But on one hand that isn’t always a bad thing. It’s good to have routine sometimes. It brings stability and dependability. I know it can also get stale, but that’s why you vary it up with some other things once in a while, but the standard go to “menu” is always there. It’s helped us when we were tired, but we wanted to do something. We didn’t have the energy for some wild and crazy thing, but we still had our routine. And that’s good to have.

    Now at the same time, I would show your husband the Marriage Heat site. Have him read a few stories and then talk about which ones he liked. Why did he like those? What did he like or not like about other stories, etc. Use it to open a dialogue.

    And the most important thing I want you to remember is: Don’t give up! I can tell you from personal experience that just because your spouse is one way now, it doesn’t mean he/she can’t or won’t change later. Let me tell you briefly what happened with me and my wife.

    She was raised in a Christian home but wasn’t taught anything about sex except don’t do it till marriage. We fooled around some before marriage, but not much and she felt horrible afterward. So she was a virgin physically and mentally so to speak when we got married. She was also a “good Christian girl” and wouldn’t do things like talk dirty, use a vibrator or even masturbate. We had a lot of sex, but it was in the bedroom in the missionary position. But slowly, over the years we were exposed to different views on things and we talked a lot and we talked some more and then talked some more. (Like Blondie said: communication!) It took 10 years of marriage to get her to a point where she would use a vibrator. But even then she only wanted me to use it on her. She wouldn’t use it on herself. Then just this year (after 11 years of marriage) we found Marriage Heat and that opened a whole new door for us! She, for some reason, after 11 years of marriage has now embraced talking dirty and using a vibrator on herself and masturbating by herself! She has gone through some kind of transformation this year that has made her a new woman sexually.

    Now what if I had gotten frustrated with her after six years of marriage? I would have missed out on the transformation that happened at 10 years and again at 11 years. It also would have interfered with the transformation in her. It took 11 years of being married to me and having numerous talks to get to this point. I would have aborted that process if I gave up too early. See, the way your spouse is today isn’t the way they will be 10 years from now. Or even 5 years from now. So why not stick with it and continue talking and continue reading and getting help from counselors and sites like Marriage Heat (but stay away from porn – that won’t help) and don’t give up. God’s not through with you yet and God’s not through with your husband yet and God’s not through with your marriage yet. So be patient. Like a plant that has to be planted and watered and given time to grow, so are our marriages. And our sex lives within our marriage. Keep watering it. Keep fertilizing it. And it will grow. But don’t give up. I’m so glad I didn’t give up and now I’m reaping the benefits of 11 years of marriage. It makes me look forward to the next 11 years even more. That’s what I want for you. There is healing. There is hope. So stay with it. You’re on a journey. Stay on the journey. And it will lead you home.

  7. Michael Walken says:

    For help, follow Blondie’s advice ” I think you should definitely seek a therapist about your issues regarding sex from your past abuse as well as seek counseling together about this.”

    and do it ASAP

  8. Mr. and Mrs. Elvis says:

    I too suffered from sexual abuse, and believe me I needed a lot of therapy. Part of the reason James (my husband)!and I are so close is because when our relationship became serious, he came to therapy with me. There are four people in this world who know exactly, every little detail of what happened to me, and he’s one of them. Make sure you include your husband in that group of people. It helps him to understand you, and you have a person who you can be 100% vulnerable with because he knows it all. Also the best time to talk about this is not when you are about to have sex. Pick a night where you are both calm and relaxed, then talk about it. James kind of did the same shutting down thing at the beginning of our marriage. Through our conversations I learned he was scared. He didn’t want to do something that would cause me to have flashbacks or be uncomfortable. It took us awhile to get through that, but we did and now we have a great sex life. It is all about communication, there is nothing more important in a relationship especially one where a parter experienced abuse.

  9. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I’m so sorry this has happened, I can relate. I, along with a friend (who is 4 years younger than me) were sexually molested when I was 10 and she was 6 by BOTH her mother and dad… it only happened once to me and to a lesser extent, but it was horrible. I told my parents the next day, and the perpetrators both went to jail, but we attended months of counseling after this but it’s because of this (and God’s love & grace) that we were happy again, and I personally had absolutely no issues with intimacy. My husband was molested too as a child but he got help for it, and he also had no sexual problems.

    It just goes to show that you need to talk to someone and always PRAY! Very very important. That’s how my husband and I were able to enjoy sex to the fullest from the beginning. You can go forward – I did… God bless you

  10. Karen McCandliss says:

    Therapy helps a lot when you have a counselor who understands what you are going through and who connects with you! I love my therapist and I will pray that you can find a good one for you!

  11. Joel Jovin says:

    Being a woman, you should know that you are special to your husband and he needs you badly. Your past experience of rape is not an excuse for not giving him his need.

    Secondly, his PE could be a problem which also needs some working. As a husband, I had this issue for a long time and then, I found out the reason was due to my habit of masturbation since my young age. As much abused as you were, I was self-abused. I struggled a lot to correct my PE problem and the solution I found was – correct masturbation. I would ask my wife to masturbate me with her hand, which wouldn’t have the same feeling as my solo experience, but I would have the attachment with my wife which causes the masturbation experience to be right and not make me feel guilty. My wife doesn’t do oral – so I feel inadequate sometimes. But then, the mutual masturbation goes on for a prolonged period, especially when she is not in the mood. She may get tired sometimes, which inwardly gives me a confidence to continue for longer time – and when I have intercourse with her the next time, I am able to give her more pleasure and see her achieve her climax before I lose it.

    Thirdly, appreciate your husband for everything that he is, he does, his being. Make up your mind to always love him more than any wife would love a husband in the world. Read stories of romance and commitment and consider yourself as the most faithful. God has made you faithful and He will help you imbibe that character in yourself as His offspring. God bless!

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