My Masturbation Story

There has been a lot of talk about masturbation on this site so I thought I would share my journey. I was 8 when I started masturbating. I didn’t know I was masturbating at the time until I looked it up on the internet. I was watching a video, and I started to feel something, so I started rubbing my clit. I kept rubbing my clit because it felt so good to me I didn’t want to stop. After I had cum, I thought this was the best feeling I had ever felt. To achieve that feeling again, I watched the video again and again. Eventually, I got bored with the video and found porn, unfortunately. I watched porn so much I started learning people’s names, and I still remember some people’s names today. I struggled with porn for years. I knew it was wrong, but I just needed a hit; it was like a drug. It’s funny because my husband didn’t watch porn. He used to make fun of me (jokingly) while we were dating about it. We met when we were 15. He had sex before me though and after me (if that makes sense). We broke up at 19 and became friends again at 23 and officially got back together later that year and married at 24. (But anyway back to me lol) I finally gave up porn when I just couldn’t take it anymore and the guilt of it all. I struggled to masturbate and not watch porn, so I quit masturbating all together. Thank God, I got married so now I just look at photos or videos of him. I don’t believe masturbation is wrong, and neither does my husband. My husband and I masturbate together and love it. Bottom line, I don’t think anybody should be ashamed of masturbation as long as your doing it in the way God intended it. So that’s my story and views about masturbation….as always M. Xoxo

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29 replies
  1. Strawberry says:

    Madeleine 27, This is a wonderful sharing. I was nine when I started to masturbate. I also had a journey through porn. God is so good to deliver us from that nasty stuff. I think it is fantastic that MH is opening these conversations. There is something healing about that.

  2. Eva says:

    Madeleine, thank you so much for sharing this. And thanks too for talking about your struggles with porn. It seems to me that porn is usually portrayed as a guy problem, but, like you, I am a girl who has turned to porn many times over the years. It was very interesting to me to read your story. Thank you!

  3. Lovinghusband says:

    Madeleine, You story points to God’s rich mercy in your life! When we think about what we really deserve as sinners – we see that God leads us to repentance and ends up giving us even richer blessings. I am amazed at His grace! I am so glad that your have come through the porn days to days of love with your husband. I also appreciate the gift of masturbation in my marriage. God bless you and your husband.

  4. mary says:

    I struggled with porn for so long. As a woman I feel like no one expects it, so no one prepares you, and you feel like no one can talk to you about it. Guys always thought it was hot, girls thought I was a slut. Thankfully, there are places like this website that bring healing to erotica through the lens of marriage. Thanks for sharing, wonderful and inspiring story Madeline! Now, I am going to read some stories and masturbate because my hubby is out of town and I miss him!

  5. K P says:

    It is posts like this that demonstrate why sites like this are so needed — where else would Madeline have to safely share this story?

    I often think and pray about all the men and women, married or otherwise, who are aching for a place to be able to reveal such thoughts, get ideas or feedback, or just a bit of encouragement like others have in this thread. Without MH or other blogs, where would they go?

    I wish there was a chat room where we could all interact real time, as we do in these forums but more chatting than responses to posts…what a safe outlet that would be for all of us who adore sexuality and would love a thoughtful place to just share and interact and encourage…versus being tempted by the darker places on the net.

    • HornyHubby says:

      KP, I’ve thought that too. It would be great to talk in real time to others on here. The only two concerns I personally would have are 1: Would the focus shift from stories to the chat room? I personally like reading and writing the stories. I would hate to lose that focus. 2. Would there be any danger of potential temptations? Since you are now interacting with someone else, would there be a temptation to take it out of the chatroom and be more one on one? Then you’ve got the possible temptation of: You understand me so much better than my husband/wife. And that can pose a potential problem. But at the same time I get where you’re coming from. As I said, I have thought that too. Who knows? Maybe one day a chat feature would get added. Because at the same time talking to people on here is cheaper than therapy! Some couples who need therapy don’t get it because of the cost. So that could help a lot of people as well as be a general encouragement.

    • mary says:

      I think that is a marvellous idea. Maybe we could have female and male only chat rooms? That way we don’t get tempted in our conversations?

  6. Drew&Holly says:

    Dear Madeleine,

    Thank you for sharing your experience and – more importantly – thank you for your honesty! It isn’t always easy to share such personal things. Drew & I also have to say a hearty AMEN to what Lovinghusband said.

    God bless you & your beloved!
    Holly

  7. hornyGG says:

    Personally, I think adding chat rooms would be a bad idea and am against it. Sure, it sounds great, but as many people visit this site things could go sour really fast.

    Do we want someone new to the site to look at it and leave thinking that this is just another porn site. Blondie and the rest of the MH team have enough on their plate without having to worry about what may be going on in a chat room. Not everyone will visit with Christian values in mind.

    I’m sure Blondie can tell you of comments that have been submitted that they had to discard due to it going again what MH stands for.

    I have been with MH pretty much from the beginning and love this site for what it stands for. But if chat rooms are added, I’m afraid I could no longer be a part of it. You all made good points and this is just my opinion, but chat rooms are dangerous. God bless each of you and stay horny my friends!

    • HornyHubby says:

      Good point HornyGG! I had thought about chat rooms being dangerous but not about how it would look to someone new. Besides there are ways to talk with each other through comments and that is safer but still allows for the interaction. And if anyone has a specific question, they can post a new entry and let people comment on that.

    • K P says:

      You and HH raise very good points! The stories are the focus here and need to be, for sure. I was more thinking people could have a place to talk about the stories and also encourage each other but I could see a situation where it would distract from them too. We don’t want that!

      The constant monitoring would be the biggest concern on time, if you wanted it to be a safe place. Much like other chat rooms, you’d have to have a volunteer team of moderators to make sure people didn’t get out of hand.

      Now, I don’t think that having a chat feature would make it seem like another porn site (though I am sure people I know would think that simply by reading the stories, which would be untrue and shows where we’re at in society on this question), but the temptation concern is real — what HH and you said and is real about them potentially being dangerous. I don’t think a chat room existing necessarily creates that,but you do have to be mindful of the bad, not just the good.

      On the flip side, I do think, much like the stories provide an outlet for marrieds and singles, having real time sex-positive Christians to talk to directly would be very healthy. And, I don’t consider adults talking about sex (the way we do in the comments) to be a negative even if it creates arousal, as long as that arousal is properly directed — not unlike the reaction one might get from reading the stories.

      I’m always thinking of the person struggling. I think many of the people who use non-Christian chat rooms or porn sites right now do so because there isn’t a healthy place to actually discuss sex with people who have the same values. I think about how healthy interaction could really help them.

      However, again, to your point — that’s not the only people who visit here and a few bad apples can ruin it. We don’t want people getting tempted nor do we want the site’s focus — stories — to be lost. It’s a tough issue but I can see why there isn’t one at this point. And, from what I’ve read from your stories and comments here, we certainly could never lose you!!!

  8. Michael & Lisa says:

    Does anyone remember all those comments from people who just wanted to make stupid comments. Then they were up there for the longest time till Blondie and her crew deleted them

    We both agree w/ GG that it would draw lots of people thinking that MH is a porn site

    Lisa & Michael

    • K P says:

      I’m new so don’t remember, but I can’t imagine what people try to offer as comments here. I’m glad the comments are moderated even if they can’t be instant.

  9. hapster says:

    I agree with hornyGG. I think a chat room with the subject matters we have on this site would be too much temptation for some people who pass through or even some of us who stay. The exchanges of comments by posts displayed for all who can see, has a cleansing quality to the dialogue, even if it is about sexual intimacy. Blondie does a great job of filtering and keeping posts and comments focused on Christian marriage centered discussions, even if they include matters such as masturbation, sexual techniques, and the like. Having real-time chats on such subjects could quickly turn into something far different. i would not want my wife in a sex chat room, Christian or otherwise, and I know she would not want me there.

    • Eva says:

      You know, I’ve thought a lot about this chat room idea over the last few months myself, and I came to pretty much the same conclusions that seems to have come out in this conversation. I think an open chat is dangerous to the health of the site.

      But, having said that, the idea of a chat room still really appeals to me. These little side conversations are the main reason I visit this site. I’m weird, I guess, I don’t really come here for the stories. I skim most of them, and always pick up a few juicy morsels, but what I really love is the advice and Christian community and even a little bit of theological discussion that happens in these comment conversations. You guys discuss things here in a way that in my experience no one else is doing and it is very cool.

      But as much as I enjoy them, they always bug me a little too because I never know how the person who wrote the original post feels about the conversation that has spontaneously kindled. Take Madeleine. Madeleine wrote about porn and masturbation, but here we are discussing the idea of a chat room under her post. I don’t know Madeleine. Maybe she thinks it’s awesome that her post has generated so much discussion, but maybe she is just a tad annoyed that we’ve all gone so far off her original topic.

      It depends on the person and what the randomly generated topic is, I suppose.

      So I keep wondering if there’s a way we could have our cake and eat it too. Is there a way we could have a more open discussion that didn’t fall underneath someone’s specific story but that could still be moderated by blonde the same way it is now?

    • K P says:

      Hi Eva,

      You are basically thinking along the lines I am and I appreciate you saying how you’ve also thought about the idea of chat rooms.

      I’m like you. Though I thoroughly enjoy the wonderful stories, as a writer myself, I love perusing through the comments and witnessing the respectful, real, open discussion about what people read and how to tackle various issues surrounding sexuality, with a focus on marital sexuality. I love the intellectual angle to it and it’s very healthy.

      I also understand the balance this site faces. On one hand, it’s the most open and vivid site out there of any of the Christian sex blogs/sites, which range from tame and more general advice to the vivid, sexy, stories on here. On the other hand, it has to watch crossing the ultimate line into something that would be, as you said, dangerous. It’s not a porn site.

      Also, you just never know how people are going to react. I generally LOVE the type of boldness shown here as it’s so healthy and so what is needed for Christians today – so they can embrace sexuality rather than fear it. Yet, there is still that tendency to be cautious, for fear of perhaps crossing a line.

      Speaking even for my situation, I have a three-part story drafted and though it’s hot, it’s actually tame compared to some of what I have seen here. Yet, though I had it submitted, I removed it from “pending” because, well, I just don’t know what people would ever think if they saw it and figured out it was me, despite the fact MH is dedicated to discretion.

      While my caution is natural, I think — how sad is that? I have a fiction story involving a married couple, and I’m even scared to share it here with people who would embrace it.

      That brings me back to the chat room. Think of all the wonderful Christians out there — husbands and wives in sexless marriages; couples looking for inspiration and a bit of encouragement, or even just singles looking for an outlet or a place to find sexual hope in a sea (the internet) which usually leads to destruction.

      I think about what those people would gain from being able to discuss sexuality openly with others in a chat room in a “real time” setting. How wonderful it would be to provide that outlet and resource, when they might otherwise seek out other truly-dangerous places on the net.

      Yet, I also completely understand how a chat room could be tempting and how perhaps it is wise not to open up that possibility of people getting into chats that perhaps they shouldn’t. Yet I also think — if the worst thing that happened was two people in sexless marriages giving each other comfort, why is that bad? Yet, then I realize that may lead to people actually going beyond simply discussing sex to arranging meetings and then it goes down hill. It’s a tough call, but something pulls at me that says the positives outweigh the negatives.

      In the end, I’ve concluded that MH, due to its focus on stories, maybe isn’t the best place to host such a thing. Yet, I do wish it was out there, even it it was just readers of blogs like this just creating one as kind of a haven for people who want to talk with others about these types of issues.

      Anyway, those are my thoughts.

    • HappilyMarriedGuy says:

      I'm brand new here. So this is just my input. Maybe instead of a chat room, a forum type of thing? That way, you get the 'feel' of a chatroom and can still control, via moderators, the content.

  10. K P says:

    I didn’t think my little side comment would get this much feedback! 🙂 People bring up really good points about temptation and the chats going a direction they shouldn’t. I still think real time chats would be a great feature, but I can see the other side as well. Apparently I have too much confidence in people’s ability to behave. 🙂

  11. Kyra Martin says:

    Thanks for sharing. I was around 10 or 12 when I experienced my first orgasm. It was a strange feeling, at first and I was enjoying exploring my body, but felt shame at the same time. I don’t think there is anything wrong with masturbation, as long as it is done in moderation and you don’t become addicted to it, or allow it to affect your personal relationship with your husband or spouse. My Husband is very open about his sexuality, whereas I am a bit more reserved. He likes to hear about my masturbation. This sounds awkward, but I still feel “embarrassed” when I tell him. I think we are taught when we are young that “pleasure” is a bad thing. Being “good” to ourselves and pleasuring ourselves and our spouse is not bad and is nothing to be ashamed of. By exploring our own sexuality, we learn so much about ourselves, and we learn how to make our partner happy in return!

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Kyra, curious question for you: Even though you still feel embarrassed when you tell your husband, do you also enjoy telling him? Does it turn you on to tell him? If it does, I think he would be blessed to know that even though you are somewhat embarrassed to tell him, that it also makes you tingle a bit, too.

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