Raising Healthy Sexuality

There’s been some discussion lately about masturbation as it relates to the single.  This has gotten me to thinking about something Screen Shot 2015-01-16 at 5.29.38 PMand I want to post this to get some feedback and discussion.

I’m wondering about how to raise your children to have a healthy mentality toward sexuality and all that it entails.  This includes sex itself (in marriage of course) as well as masturbation, and also being comfortable with nudity (their own and their future spouse’s).  I’ve wondered about this before, but now that I have a daughter, the clock is ticking, so to speak.  I only have a few years before she gets old enough to start experiencing her own sexuality so I want to prepare her  as best as I can.

My wife and I both received no instruction at all about sex or masturbation so we both struggled with temptations and guilt and shame.  I’m wanting my daughter to avoid this.  I’m also wanting her to enter her marriage with a healthier view of sex than we did.  My dream for her is to go through her teen years (adolescence) having fun with her sexuality instead of it being a stressful issue filled with shame.  I would like for her to be comfortable with masturbating, but avoid sex before marriage.  Then I would like for her to enter marriage with a sense of excitement rather than fear.  And I would like for her to enter her marriage already being comfortable with things like masturbation, nudity (going nude, sleeping nude, etc) as well as being comfortable with expressing her sexuality in a variety of ways.  This includes flirting with her husband and pursuing her husband sexually as well as talking dirty during sex and going nude with her husband a lot and being okay with that.

It took me and my wife 11 years to get comfortable with all of this.  And there were a lot of two steps forward, one step back with that.  I would like for her to start her marriage already ahead of where we started.  As well as have an enjoyable experience with her adolescence when her sexuality awakens.

But as I said, my wife and I didn’t get this from our parents so we don’t have any idea of how that looks practically.  But I got to thinking about it and aren’t your parents supposed to teach you about things?  Who better to teach her than her parents?  And besides, if we don’t do it, someone else will.  The internet, the school, a book, a boy, other girls even.  And usually those aren’t reliable and she will learn bad things.  So it’s our job to teach her these things.

But at the same time, I don’t want to overwhelm her with too much too soon so that she gets frustrated with sexuality and goes the other way and avoids all of it because that’s all mom and dad ever talk about.  I am aware that I have to be careful to not overcompensate for my lack of instruction and do damage the other way.

So I’d like to hear from people who had parents who taught them these things.  What did they do?  How was sex and nudity handled to show you that it was good, but you also knew to save sex for marriage?  How did your parents model it between them to show you how great it could be without being too inappropriate?  And what is considered too inappropriate?  Here are some other specific questions I had:

1. At what age would you say your child could start reading stories on MH? And maybe even have their own profile and comment on stories and post stories of their masturbation experiences?

2. At what age should you buy a girl her first vibrator? Do you buy one for her or have her look for one and buy it?

3. How do you teach your daughter how to use the vibrator? How do you pass along any tips or tricks you’ve learned to help her learn earlier than you did?

4. How can you encourage an open discussion attitude in the home? Meaning, how can sex be just one more topic of discussion without it being uncomfortable for the parents or the child, and the child knows it’s okay to discuss?

5. Let’s say you walk in on your teen masturbating. How would you handle it so as not to be embarrassing for either of you? Would it be inappropriate for the parent to say, “Oh you’re masturbating?  Well have fun!” and then leave?

6. Let’s say your teen is being cranky and hormonal. Would it be unreasonable for the parent to say, “Why don’t you go jack off/jill off and see if that helps your crankiness?”

  1. Would it be possible to foster an atmosphere of open discussion about this? So that the teen and parent comfortably talk about it? Even to the point of the teen telling the parent stuff like, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I jilled off and that helped.”

8. At what age would you say it was okay for the child to begin sleeping naked so they can get comfortable with it so when they get married they’re used to it.

9. How do you teach your child to masturbate?  How do you instruct them to let them know that a) they CAN and they don’t need to feel any fear or guilt and  b) how to do it?

I look forward to hearing from everyone!  I especially want to hear from those of you who had a good relationship with your parents in this area and those of you who are parents and had a good relationship with your kids in this area.  Feel free to pass along any other advice or suggestions that you may have.

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23 replies
  1. Pete
    Pete says:

    Wow, I totally agree. My wife and I are still troubled with some of these issues after 12years of marriage. I have wondered the same questions. My sex talk from my father was basically, “You know not to touch a girl on her chest or privates, right?” Because of this I got into pornography and was afraid to make myself accessible for girls. Thankfully God stepped in and introduced my beautiful wife into my life through a Christian camp. I was delivered from pornography but still felt guilty for masturbating. I love my Dad dearly, but I feel as though he did me a great disservice by not educating me more on what the Bible says about sex and masturbation. I want to make sure my kids don’t have that same problem. Please help!

  2. rachelMarie
    rachelMarie says:

    This article really sparked my attention. I am now an 18 year old female and my mom recently recommended this site to me to explore my own sexuality. I think it is good to have an open relationship with your children my mom started with me at a very young age around 9 or 10 starting with the period talk and slowly getting more mature with my age. Knowing my mom was comfortable talking to me made me feel better when I did have questions and I felt like I could ask her anything and never be embarrassed. For my 16 birthday my mom got me my first small vibrator and just recommended I experiment with my body as I had just recently began dating as well and I found that its a wondeful thing to explore your own body. I have made the decision to wait until marriage for sex but my boyfriend and me have had many conversations about it and come to a clear understanding amd then both discuseed the conversation with our parents. In all I think its a good rhink to open up the door to sexuality early but slowly begin with the small things periods. Liking boys or girls. Different feelings you may have. And then move up to the more complex as they get older. From my own personal experience this made my childhood much easier and much less embarrassing.

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      Thanks for your reply. It’s so great to hear of young people being talked to by their parents and encouraged to explore and experience their sexuality in a safe way with no shame or fear.

      I wonder though…did your father ever talk to you about any of this? Did he ever give you a male’s perspective on sexuality and on females, etc? Did you feel comfortable talking to your dad about this stuff or was it only with mom?

  3. curiositykilledthecat
    curiositykilledthecat says:

    These are absolutely fantastic questions to ask. I understand where you are coming from and if you guys already have that trusting, open, and especiallNon-judgmental relationship with your kid(s) then i say be as open as possible. I wouldnt say have a sit down conversation and it become a lecture. I say just have casual talk and just ask her questions such as are you interested in boys yet, or are yoy comfortable with yourself. Let her know obviously that masterbating is ok and that it is compleely natural, but i would go for the more scientific explanations and why it ia ok to masterbate for health reasons,future relationships, knowing oneself, and how to steer away from any negative influences like how you said about the media teaching her about wjat sex is really like, and that you have to look/dress a certain way to be sexy. If she focuses on those around her and not what she wants then shelljust be unhappy with herself and can lead to real emotional damaging including selfworth. I think it would be awkward to just talk about such personal acts in such s direct manner that it would almost seem inainappropriate consideribg you are the parent even though you are trying ti help out for the long run. Just answer any questions she has

  4. curiositykilledthecat
    curiositykilledthecat says:

    But answer it in a way that isnt so direct so she deosnt feel uncomfortable to the point that shell be thinking about what you said or have your image in her head when she is getting intimate even with herself. Be technical, but friendly at the same time. I think it is fine for her to read marriage heat as ling as she is aware if what sex really is and is willing to understand it. Its a safe site with no judgment. I am sixteen with a mother that knows that i view this sitebecause she had the talk you are so wishing and hopeful to have with your own daughter I comment only to help, wven though i am young i still learn especially from my parent. Aomw may consider it inainappropriate, but it is really up to you on what yoy feel is best for YOUR daughter that will truly helpher. I hope i helped as much as i can with the least amount of judgment, especially for my age.

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      Thank you so much for your reply! It’s so cool to see a young person on this site and with her parent’s approval. The fact that your mom is okay with you on this site is cool. I wish I had been able to have that kind of relationship with my parents.

      I wonder…do you just talk to your mother about these things? Or do you talk with you father as well? Do you feel comfortable talking with your father? Do you ever go to him for the male’s perspective on something sexual? Just curious about whether it’s just something you talk to mom about or can you talk freely with both of them?

  5. mbera
    mbera says:

    I grew up going to purity retreats through my church . And at these retreats we talked alot about sex but not once did about masturbation. And my mom talked to me about sex too but it was always just the basics.

  6. Lovinghusband
    Lovinghusband says:

    Thank you for raising such thought provoking issues HH! I’m going to ponder over this. I have more questions than answers! I still have a default mindset that I want to do all I can to promote the joy of sex in marriage to my kids while not stoking fires that can’t burn with raging flames for God’s glory yet. This is a tough tension to deal with that requires daily wisdom. I look forward to learning from many others on this subject. I appreciate the comments from the singles already. What openness they have with their parents! We have openness too. We recently talked again on Song of Songs. I’ll write more later! Thank you HH for bringing this up! God bless you brother!

  7. Sam Young
    Sam Young says:

    I’m pleased to see this post. My marriage is shattered as a result of not being able to explore my sexuality as a teenager without incurring the wrath of my parents and church. When I figured out I needed to grow up sexually as well, my wife simply could not handle it.

    As a result of researching what has happened to others raised like me (Christian family/sexual exploration/information is taboo outside of marriage) that I decided my only son was not going to shipwreck his marriage this way too.

    I did let me son (now 20) know masturbation was okay on entering puberty. I also let him know I’m ready, willing, and able to talk about sexual topics in a rational way (thanks to sites similar to this one). And, I’m constantly looking for opportunities to talk with him as his curiosity builds.

    What I did was create a gift for my son and his wife. I’m in the process of writing a blog about exploring my sexuality in light of my relationship with God. I hold nothing back, as writing helps remove the sting of anger and allows me to think more rationally about my situation.

    Someday, God will flip the switch in his life, where he’ll even begin thinking about a possible mate someday. Currently, women are friends & people, but they are of no further interest to him. When he’s ready, I pray I am (and that my blog is complete enough) to meet his needs. Right now, I just a dad–what do I know?

    I do plan to continue researching to see how others like me finally came to a healthy view of their own sexuality without violating all of God’s commands to figure it out.

    I have answered some of these questions in my own mind. I’ll entertain the rest. Thanks for posting!

  8. Drew&Holly
    Drew&Holly says:

    Interesting that you should post these questions, HH. My oldest daughter, Morgan, is on the verge of becoming engaged, and she and I have been talking about sex and marriage a lot lately. First of all, I have always tried to be very open and factual with my kids when talking to them about sex, as my parents were with me. I have also always tried to just answer their questions and not overload them with info. Of course, I taught them the basics when they were younger. I think that you can’t just say to your kids “if there is anything you want to know, just ask.” You have to have good communication lines with your kids all-around. That means not freaking out when they ask you about things.

    I have taught my kids what God has taught us about sex – that sex is good when shared between a husband and wife within the bonds of marriage, and that a married couple is only limited by what they are comfortable with. In my more specific recent discussions with my daughter, I advised her to try anything once, because she won’t know if she likes something if she doesn’t try it. We have talked about how fun mutual masturbation is, and how wonderful it is to explore each other’s bodies with hands and tongues.

    If I walked in on one of my kids masturbating, I’d apologize and leave the room. Later, I’d maybe sit down with that kid in a non-threatening way and see if they had any questions, and I’d let them know that there isn’t anything to be ashamed of and that I wasn’t upset by them doing that. I have taught my kids that it is perfectly okay for them to masturbate – to explore their own bodies. In fact, I think it’s essential they are familiar with how to pleasure themselves so that they can let their future spouse know how to pleasure them.

    I haven’t bought my older daughter a vibrator, but I probably will soon (she is 22), especially as she’s about to be engaged. And I was planning on introducing her to the MH website. I want her to enjoy the sexual relationship she will have with her husband! The young man who has asked me for her hand (she’s going to have an incredible Valentine’s day!) is a good, Godly man. He loves and respects her, and they are so well-suited. I couldn’t ask for anyone better for her.

    If anything else occurs to me, I’ll comment again. 🙂
    God bless,
    Holly

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      I think that is so cool to have a parent encourage their child to masturbate and use a vibrator and get on this site. I will admit that it feels a little weird to think of your parents encouraging you to masturbate! LOL! But that’s just because my parents didn’t talk to me about anything sexual so for me it is foreign. But that’s why I want to learn HOW to do that practically because I have no experience with it. And I’ve seen the results of no instruction.

      Let us know how the engagement goes and how your daughter responds to a vibrator. Maybe encourage your daughter to create her own screen name on here and post comments and even stories.

      That makes me curious about something else.. Let’s say your daughter creates a screen name on here and posts a story of her first time with her new vibrator. Would that be weird for you to read that? LOL! As well as any other stories she posts of masturbating. I wonder what your thoughts would be on that. 🙂

    • Drew&Holly
      Drew&Holly says:

      I’m not going to lie – I’d be weirded out reading any story that my daughter might post. But I’d get over it. I still think of her as my baby girl. On the other hand, I’m sure that she will be weirded out reading the stories that her stepdad and I have posted. 🙂

      But she and I recently had a conversation when she asked me all sorts of questions, like: had I ever given a blow job; had I ever swallowed; had I ever been eaten out and did I like it; and, what was my favorite position. We also talked about masturbation. I was very honest in my responses. And it was a little weird for both of us at first, but we got over that quickly and had a great talk.

      That, I think, is the key for parents: get over the initial feelings of being uncomfortable. My job is to help them become happy and healthy adults. That includes the sexual side of life.

      God bless!
      Holly

    • CHW
      CHW says:

      Holly,

      Could your write a detailed post about that conversation? That would be very helpful. This is cutting edge stuff! I am glad that MH has this open forum.

      I love the transparency you bring to this!

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      That is so great Holly! I’ve had the thought before that this stuff is only weird if we make it weird. Our kids don’t know to be weird about it unless we teach that to them. If sex is just one of many topics we discuss then it shouldn’t be weird. And I second what CHW said! Write a detailed post of the conversation and how you handled it. That would be a great resource for others with kids asking questions. 🙂

    • Drew&Holly
      Drew&Holly says:

      Alright CHW and HornyHubby, I will do that. I will talk to Morgan and see if she will collaborate with me on it. Stay tuned.

  9. PastorMaster
    PastorMaster says:

    This is a fascinating conversation on a number of levels, but let me add this: topics like this is why it’s so crucial to have other adults in our kids lives. As a youth pastor, I have conversations about sex and sexuality all the time and they’ll often say “it’s so much easier to talk to you about this stuff than my parents”. That’s not a knock on parents at all – but we can’t be “all things” for our kids. This past week I was teaching a lesson on pornography to my youth group guys and I told them that if they’re struggling to tell someone – but maybe not their parents – but someone, like their small group leader, youth pastor, etc.

    I remember a friend of mine telling the story about his teenage son. He and his son had always been close, but around the time he was 17 he entered into his first serious relationship and his dad would ask how things were going. Finally, his son told him “Dad, I’m not going to talk with you about this kind of stuff anymore”. His dad, a little hurt, said back “That’s fine, who are you going to talk to?” His son’s answer was his small group leader.

    Every kid is different and every parent is different, but regardless, I think it’s important to have other voices talk to our kids about important questions.

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      Good point. I hadn’t thought of that. But I can see where that would be valuable. The only concerns I would have with that would be: 1. Would their youth pastor be able to talk to them? In my experience the church is so “hush-hush” about sex that it would be hard to bring it up. And 2. You would want the youth pastor to teach them similar values as you the parent have. So for instance, let’s say as a parent you are in favor of masturbation and you would want to encourage them to masturbate alone to relieve sexual tension. But the youth pastor tells them that masturbation is sin because that’s what he believes. You can see where that would be a problem. Not sure how to handle that part.

  10. PastorMaster
    PastorMaster says:

    One thing I forgot to add….

    I teach my youth group kids two things:

    1) God has hard-wired us to be in relationship
    2) God has given sexual desires and by definition, they are therefore good.

    One of my key premises is that there are few things that are inherently “good” or “bad” but how we use them and to what end we use them make them good or bad. You can make the argument that just about anything can be sinful but also can be good. Pornography, as an example, is simply a negative use of sex – but sex itself isn’t the problem.

    Helping kids understand that their adolescent sexual desires are natural, healthy, and God-given requires encouraging them to find healthy outlets and expressions of this sexuality.

  11. Eva
    Eva says:

    This is such an interesting discussion! I really hope my husband and I are able to have these kinds of conversations with our kids as they get older! I don’t think I ever would have thought of buying my daughter a vibrator, but wow! What an endorsement of her sexuality! I think I’ll keep that idea in mind as she gets older.

    I’m curious if anyone has ever attended any parenting classes at church or seminars that talked about how to talk about sex with your kids. Is that something that is out there in other Christian circles? It doesn’t happen in ours, so I’m just curious. And if there are such classes, do they ever address the kinds of things hornyhubby is talking about?

    • HornyHubby
      HornyHubby says:

      This is why I’m asking this question on here! LOL! In my experience I’ve never seen a church offer a class on how to talk to your kids about sex. I’ve never even heard them offer a class on anything sexual! And besides, even if they did, they would almost have to keep it very “vanilla” and basic. They aren’t going to tell you stuff like: Get a vibrator and masturbate frequently. They would be too concerned with offending someone and/or getting sued that they would just keep it to the basics: Sex is between a husband and wife and nothing else. They wouldn’t go into detail about techniques or tips or positions or anything of that nature. That’s why we have Marriage heat because we can’t get this in the church. That’s been my experience anyway.

    • Eva
      Eva says:

      So, after I posted that last comment asking if anyone had encountered an open conversation about sexuality in their church circles before, it occurred to me that I did actually experience a very small glimmer of this at a children and youth worker conference I attended last spring. So I thought I’d share.

      It was at the Orange Conference in Atlanta last April. I attended a seminar led by two guys who had just published a new book titled Married People. I read the book later, and it is more geared toward how to start an effective ministry to married people at your church, so I’m not sure the book itself is applicable here. But what stood out to me about the two guys leading the seminar was how open they were about how much they enjoyed having sex/making out with their wives. They were making jokes about what they might be doing in the balcony after the seminar and about how nice it was to have a kid free week in a hotel room etc. etc. You get the idea. Anyway, it was refreshing, and funny, and totally encouraging. And I never in a million years could picture myself or my husband saying similar things to a room full of people…but I wish I could because I felt like it did something that changed the room and the attitudes of the people in it when the speakers were so transparent like that.

      And, yes, this does relate to the topic of kids too, because a couple weeks ago I was looking at the workshops that are listed for this year’s Orange conference and there is one titled: Debunking the Myth of the Sex Talk. And here’s the little description blurb:

      “Already panicked about the Sex Talk that will take place 5 years from now when your preschooler turns 9? Don’t be. In fact, don’t even have The Talk. Instead, make it a long-term conversation that starts right now. After all, the questions a 4 year old asks are a lot easier to field than the ones they will ask at age 14. Learn how to dismantle the Sex Talk milestone and turn it into an ongoing conversation that provides a safe place for a kid’s questions at any age.”

      So, I guess I’m a bit encouraged by that. Especially because of my experience in the workshop last spring. I will definitely be attending this Sex Talk workshop too to see if I can glean anything from it. Though, I guess they probably won’t cover the topic of when it is appropriate to give our daughters vibrators. :O)

  12. Ben G.
    Ben G. says:

    HH,

    Great post my friend! I’m a bit surprised that GG hasn’t put her two cents in ( she’s never at a loss for words! Lol.).

    If I my interject my opinion. Gina and I have always had an open and honest communication line with our kids. If they had questions, we always tried to be as open and informative as we can. This includes sex and masturbation.

    Neither her parents or mine really discussed sex. My dad did a quick run over of the basics with me when I was around 12. The rest I basically learned on my own through books and yes, some porn.

    Gina and I both decided that we were not going to be as closed off as our parents. Having that first sex talk was more difficult than we expected it to be. But we managed to get through it.

    There have been some uncomfortable moments. Like when Gina walked in on our then 15 year old daughter Alicia and caught her with her pants down and hand in her panties. Finding wadded up tissues under our son Randy’s bed was another.

    We let our kids know that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of growing up and learning about their bodies. We love our kids very much and want them to grow up to be responsible
    Christian adults with an healthy wholesome attitude about marriage and sex.

    Gina and I have discussed maybe introducing our son Randy to MH at some point. We feel that perhaps it would be good for him to read and learn
    how wonderful Christian monogamy is and can be. We both agree we would much rather he read stories from MH and masturbate than getting caught up in porn.

    Anyway, I hope I haven’t said too much! If I said something I shouldn’t have, I am sorry. Thank you again for posting this story. God bless my friend.

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