There’s been some discussion lately about masturbation as it relates to the single. This has gotten me to thinking about something and I want to post this to get some feedback and discussion.
I’m wondering about how to raise your children to have a healthy mentality toward sexuality and all that it entails. This includes sex itself (in marriage of course) as well as masturbation, and also being comfortable with nudity (their own and their future spouse's). I’ve wondered about this before, but now that I have a daughter, the clock is ticking, so to speak. I only have a few years before she gets old enough to start experiencing her own sexuality so I want to prepare her as best as I can.
My wife and I both received no instruction at all about sex or masturbation so we both struggled with temptations and guilt and shame. I’m wanting my daughter to avoid this. I’m also wanting her to enter her marriage with a healthier view of sex than we did. My dream for her is to go through her teen years (adolescence) having fun with her sexuality instead of it being a stressful issue filled with shame. I would like for her to be comfortable with masturbating, but avoid sex before marriage. Then I would like for her to enter marriage with a sense of excitement rather than fear. And I would like for her to enter her marriage already being comfortable with things like masturbation, nudity (going nude, sleeping nude, etc) as well as being comfortable with expressing her sexuality in a variety of ways. This includes flirting with her husband and pursuing her husband sexually as well as talking dirty during sex and going nude with her husband a lot and being okay with that.
It took me and my wife 11 years to get comfortable with all of this. And there were a lot of two steps forward, one step back with that. I would like for her to start her marriage already ahead of where we started. As well as have an enjoyable experience with her adolescence when her sexuality awakens.
But as I said, my wife and I didn’t get this from our parents so we don’t have any idea of how that looks practically. But I got to thinking about it and aren’t your parents supposed to teach you about things? Who better to teach her than her parents? And besides, if we don’t do it, someone else will. The internet, the school, a book, a boy, other girls even. And usually those aren’t reliable and she will learn bad things. So it’s our job to teach her these things.
But at the same time, I don’t want to overwhelm her with too much too soon so that she gets frustrated with sexuality and goes the other way and avoids all of it because that’s all mom and dad ever talk about. I am aware that I have to be careful to not overcompensate for my lack of instruction and do damage the other way.
So I’d like to hear from people who had parents who taught them these things. What did they do? How was sex and nudity handled to show you that it was good, but you also knew to save sex for marriage? How did your parents model it between them to show you how great it could be without being too inappropriate? And what is considered too inappropriate? Here are some other specific questions I had:
1. At what age would you say your child could start reading stories on MH? And maybe even have their own profile and comment on stories and post stories of their masturbation experiences?
2. At what age should you buy a girl her first vibrator? Do you buy one for her or have her look for one and buy it?
3. How do you teach your daughter how to use the vibrator? How do you pass along any tips or tricks you’ve learned to help her learn earlier than you did?
4. How can you encourage an open discussion attitude in the home? Meaning, how can sex be just one more topic of discussion without it being uncomfortable for the parents or the child, and the child knows it’s okay to discuss?
5. Let’s say you walk in on your teen masturbating. How would you handle it so as not to be embarrassing for either of you? Would it be inappropriate for the parent to say, “Oh you’re masturbating? Well have fun!” and then leave?
6. Let’s say your teen is being cranky and hormonal. Would it be unreasonable for the parent to say, “Why don’t you go jack off/jill off and see if that helps your crankiness?”
- Would it be possible to foster an atmosphere of open discussion about this? So that the teen and parent comfortably talk about it? Even to the point of the teen telling the parent stuff like, “I couldn’t sleep last night so I jilled off and that helped.”
8. At what age would you say it was okay for the child to begin sleeping naked so they can get comfortable with it so when they get married they’re used to it.
9. How do you teach your child to masturbate? How do you instruct them to let them know that a) they CAN and they don't need to feel any fear or guilt and b) how to do it?
I look forward to hearing from everyone! I especially want to hear from those of you who had a good relationship with your parents in this area and those of you who are parents and had a good relationship with your kids in this area. Feel free to pass along any other advice or suggestions that you may have.