Loves First Kiss – I’ve known my husband since my first year in university. I was 18, and he was 20. He changed his major to computer engineering and had to start fresh. I sat beside him in my first class on the first day of school. I didn’t notice him at first… It wasn’t love at first sight for either of us. I was the only female in the class and received many glares upon arriving. I was told that girls who look like me don’t take engineering (this was years ago, thankfully things have changed since then).
The only words I uttered to him in the class were ‘sorry’ when I accidentally elbowed him causing his pencil to fall out of his hands and onto the floor. He then asked me if I had one he could borrow. I pulled out a full pencil case.
He said, “First year, huh? My backpack was full of pencils in my first year too.” I looked at him and smiled… I was eagerly trying to do well and listen as best as I could. He said, “Thanks.”
I saw him the next day. He walked into a different class; he sat one seat away from me leaving an empty desk in the middle. He looked at me and said, “I’m not losing another pencil today.” I laughed and said, “My name is Samantha.” He said, “Hi, I’m Dave.”
After two classes together and three weeks worth of chance encounters, we quickly became friends. In our three years together at university, we helped each other study. We became each others Wingmen at the pubs, laughed together, and were each other’s shoulder to cry on after bad dates, bad grades and broken relationships. He was my rock during the time when my sister suddenly passed away. Nothing was sexual at this time. Did I think about kissing him? Yes. I remember one time he hugged me and all I wanted to do was kiss him. These feelings didn’t last very long. I thought about our irreplaceable friendship, and it wasn’t worth risking it.
He got a job right after graduation at a small software company. He is a brilliant developer and had his choice to work anywhere.
Six years into our friendship the company was growing and he offered me a job. I took it. I had to admit, I missed being able to call him and see him when I wanted to, which is one of the reasons I took the position.
His hours were long, and he would often work 12 hours a day, six days a week. He lived 45 minutes away from the office, and I lived a short walk away. His role at the company was way more taxing than mine. He often would just crash at my place (in the spare room). I eventually gave him a key. Some said we had a brother/sister relationship, but I never felt that way. Others said we fought and acted like an old married couple. We always commented that it’s because we knew everything about each other. Our friends commented on our sexual tension and that we should just date already. Many of them said we were perfect for each other. His male friends said that I dated guys who looked and acted nothing like him. I did, but I also thought that the girls he dated were my polar opposite.
We were the only programmers who were single and didn’t have families, so when things needed to be done after hours or on weekends we were at the office together alone. While spending all this time alone, I was falling for him, and falling in love quickly. I never wanted him or anyone else to know for fear of rejection and a potential loss of a perfect friend. Every guy I dated, I compared to this perfect man, which is why all of my previous relationships failed. There was only one man for me, and I longed for him to think the same way about me.
He called me one night after work saying he was hungry and to meet him at a little sushi restaurant across the street from my apartment. The waitress gave us a private enclosed booth with seating only on one side made for couples. I was uncomfortably freezing, and he noticed. He said, “I would give you my hoodie, but my undershirt will make me look like a hobo.” He then put his arm around me and pulled me against his body. He kissed my head, the way he always had when I was in him arms crying over whatever the reason…. I remember his smell, and can smell it clearly when I think of that day.
Such a rush of love fell through my body with every breath as I breathed in that masculine smell. He was rubbing his hands on my arms to warm me. “Better?” he murmured. I looked up at him, still in his arms, and I said, “Yes.” He looked down at me for a long moment and began lowering his neck like he was coming in for a kiss. My heart was racing, and I could hear his heart racing too. The moment I had been waiting for was here. I was going to kiss the man of my dreams. I had been waiting to find out if he felt the same way as me, and that look he gave made me realize that maybe he did. I was nervous, excited and anxious at the same time. Our noses touched when the waitress walked in with our food. The moment was gone; I missed out on my kiss.
We ate in silence. There was much tension and not the good kind. I felt like crying. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t bear the rejection and embarrassment. It also wasn’t worth it to risk our friendship, but I think we already did. He walked me home, and I told him that he should come inside and talk about what happened.
I poured my heart out to him, crying about how much I wanted to be with him. I told him how much I thought of him, how perfect he was and how he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. I told him the truth that I thought I felt love before, but it was nothing compared to how much love I felt for him.
He said that he once felt that way about me. It was the summer of 2003, two years before this night. I was involved with someone else, and things were serious between me and this other guy. He couldn’t watch me be in love with someone else and hear me talk about being in love with someone else. That other guy was my first love. Dave needed to get away, and he and some friends went backpacking across Europe for a month. I remember that summer vividly. I missed him. Especially since it was that summer when I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. He said he came back a new man. He mostly thought about our friendship and didn’t want to lose me as a best friend. He said he thought he already lost me as a potential love partner.
Just like me, with all the time spent together at work, he often thought about me being his girlfriend. I needed to hear this to ease my nerves. He said he didn’t want to go through the emotions that he did when in Europe. As devastated as I was, I understood. I bawled my eyes out at the loss of the most incredible man in my life (my father was the source of many of my painful tears). I told him that I wasn’t sure if I could get over him and that I needed time alone. Thankfully, it was Friday night, and I didn’t have to see him at work for two days. He left.
I had never cried like this before… I’d never had my heart broken like this before. I stayed up all night. It was about 4am; I was still crying. I always turned to him in my time of need, but this time he was the source of my agony. I had no one.
I heard a knock on the door and a soft voice saying, “It’s me.” It was Dave. I thought about ignoring him and truthfully, he was the last person I wanted to see. He said that he wasn’t done saying what he needed to say, but wanted to give me the space that I had requested. I thought I owed him enough to let him finish what he had to say. I opened the door. Our eyes were both red from a sleepless night and the many tears that we had cried for each other.
He put his hand on my cheek, lifted my head up a bit and said, “I love you… I need you…. I will not lose you again.”
He pulled me closer and kissed me. It was the most intense kiss I’ve ever had. My knees were weak. It was a short kiss, 15 seconds or so. I think about all the feelings that came over me in that 15 seconds, and I still get weak. He has never stopped kissing me like that with intensity since that day. Ten years later. For ten years, I have been living my dream with this man and our two kids. I still need him just as much as I did that night.
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