sex obstacles

Fighting for Love – Overcoming Sex Obstacles

Overcoming Sex Obstacles

My wife and I have been married for over nine years now. Unfortunately, we can not sing the same tune of how we enjoy our sex life as many here. This story is our ( condensed) story, written down to encourage you of how we are getting through some sex obstacles in our lives.

We’ve known each other since we started to go to school together in fifth grade. In those years I’ve known my wife as a girl in my class, I learned that she was defined a lot by her achievements. She felt loved by her parents when she had perfect grades and felt unloved at any grade below. When we started dating about nine years later, we were preparing for our graduation. I wanted to show her, that being loved was in no way bound to being good. My dream was to show her unconditionally love. When we married about two years later, showing her, what a loving and good family would look like, was still my vision. I had no idea, how big the task would be.

Our marital life started out with some sex obstacles we faced. After my wife had orgasmed, she dried up fast or began to hurt. I never came in side of her or even near her. While masturbating there was no such problem. We decided to consult a doctor. At the age of 21, this felt somehow wrong. We pinned it on being too young, inexperienced or me being dulled by porn. Porn has been a temptation I tried to get rid off since my early teens. I had hoped that with getting married would help. Instead it was a struggle with a lot of temptation, falling for temptation, confessing and hurting my wife, forgiveness and starting over.

Shortly after our first anniversary my wife was diagnosed with OCD. A few days after her second session she broke down. A month in the hospital, therapy. Another breakdown, a few weeks of hospital and a lot more therapy followed over the course of years. During this time, sexuality was possible as long as we played along with OCD. Sometimes things went easy, and we had sex by the rules of OCD. Sometimes I had to take care for both of us by first bringing her to her climax and then leaving and masturbating next door. OCD is our deepest valley, I thought… Oh man, was I wrong.

During my wife’s therapy, there were even more sex obstacles we had to deal with. First my wife only hinted me that something surfaced in therapy that she couldn’t tell me. For more than a year, I didn’t know what the problem was. Sex life ended, before it started, at cuddling while going to bed and me cupping her breast. This cupping was the bare minimum I could go with, and sometimes even this was impossible. When my wife finally told me what surfaced, a whole new chasm opened out. As a kid, she was sexually abused… The more this settled in; the more things started to connect. With me not being able to cum even near her, was a layer of protection for her.   We’re both not sure what will have happened if I’d cum in her.

In spring 2014 (about a year after I knew about the abuse) my wife said, she is at a point, where she can start working on sexuality. We settled with a therapist and worked with her in a few sessions. Things looked promising. We found out that our marriage bed was filled with sex obstacles for us. In fact, it was one of the most problematic places to be sexual active. The sexual abuse most likely caused this, but we don’t know for sure. Playing under a running shower, on the other hand, worked well.  We had some excellent experiences. I even could sit in the tub while she showered and masturbated till I come. This shower play was a whole new level for us. (And I like my wife’s wet body)

From summer 2014, on my wife had to move away for her new job, because we weren’t able to find one nearby. Weekend marriage was our new spoke in the wheel. All therapy homework did not work anymore. Friday night my wife was so emotionally distant that it mostly took till Sunday night before some sexuality could even be considered. She often forced herself through it which was two sided. Good in a way that sexuality did not completely stall again. Bad because she hurt herself.

For me, this time is hard. Friday nights I’m already horny and have to wait until our appointment Sunday night…

The weekend before Christmas, we had a real gift. Spooning naked in our bed, my wife reached for my dick (hardly possible to touch for her) and got aroused. She asked me to put on a condom and then adjusted my dick in front of her pussy and started to push slowly.

After more than two years (I didn’t count, would have gone insane if I knew how long it was) we had real sex!… Out of nothing. Without any OCD or flashback interruption. We just stopped when we had enough and cuddled. My wife could stay for cuddling and did not have to get up and wash herself right away. We were happy and could neither explain nor believe what just had happened. Unfortunately, things didn’t last too long. We tried again a few times after and and it did not go as well. About a month later sex life (in terms of intercourse) had stalled again.

March was a tough month for me, as I turned thirty. I have old parents and always wanted to be a young dad. Thirty appeared to be the mark for me, where the attribute being young did not fit anymore. Fighting for this dream (and a lot more) for the past eight years left it’s marks. I was weary and somehow hopeless. Thank God he protected me in this dark time.

In April, I discovered MarriageHeat. These stories where the final stimulus to help me to get completely rid of my porn problem. As MH is about promoting hot monogamy, I felt confident enough that my wife could handle this site.

So I sent her a link while we skyped. What happened was beyond expectations and we started overcoming more sex obstacles together. We skyped; she read some messages and got so horny, she masturbated. She had not done that in more than 15 years. The next evening was similar. She even invented her abbreviation (VWV) for texting me. The next weekend we had incredible sex in the bathtub. I get hard just thinking about it. This weekend my wife cannot come home, but I’m curious about next week… It feels like we’re newlyweds, and I’m in love with her like never before.

To all, reading this, who can sing the MH tune. Be thankful and rejoice.

To all of you who share a similar fate. Don’t give up. Even though the valley might be deep and dark, nothing is impossible for our God, even though our faith might have faded. He will not let go of you. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
God bless you

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21 replies
  1. Michael & Lisa says:

    Wow. We really feel for you and are also cheering you on for taking day by day For 8 years. Her trying w. Your help and understanding (((( hugs )))). YOU’RE both sooo brave. We’re glad that MH is a help but you really do need the help of a professional .
    Yes don’t give up. We wish we could say and do more.

    Michael & Lisa

    BTW we both know that bad memories can stay surpressed. We’ll leave you with this. Michael when he was 15 or 16 was in a plane “crash.” It was more of sliding in a foamed field w. Out wheels. Anyway when 911 happened maybe because we had alot of friends who died there, he had terrible dreams that he was in one of the planes that crashed into the WTC. With help, it passed. Other things have happened but we both feel this is not the right place or time.
    Again, don’t give up.

    • Fight for Love says:

      Hi Michael & Lisa,

      thanks for your kind words. I agree that we need the help of a professional. Some things are just to big to handle on your own. My wife had countless sessions with professionals over the years and I have done the same, to look after myself. Unfortunately we didn’t find a skilled christian professional which made it sometimes extra hard because we had to fight the idea of just breaking up and moving on or at least that porn was the only way out to survive this situation and totally fine. Those ideas settle in way to easy.

      Keep on fighting
      Fight for Love

  2. Hopeful Hubby says:

    I absolutely loved this story, though I have not gone through the struggles you and your wife have faced, I felt your pain through your words.

  3. Upcomingauthor says:

    FFL, I feel for you. My wife didn’t have the greatest childhood either and I took me awhile together to understand that when I said “I love you,” it didn’t mean two minutes later I was going to be hitting her, screaming or cussing at her either. It is taken a long time to get her where she is today, and there is still more work to be done. But I love her enough to keep working on it each and everyday. Keep on pressing and praying and wen God gets you there, it will blow your mind.
    God bless you both and many prayers.

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Dear Upcomingauthor, thank you for sharing that! Your words have been a blessing to me. My father is at the root of the damage my soul suffered while growing up. The way he is in his character and the way he treated my mom in the marriage relationship have caused the sexual aversion, that God has recently delivered me from/continues to redeem me for, to develop and rule over my young life. His constant lying, his emotional manipulation have brought nothing but strife into the family. To his defense, I have to say that the root cause of his behavior was his mother, who was the same way he is. I’m a firm believer in the fact that we may all have reasons why we are a certain way but we can’t take any of them as excuses to stay that way forever. No matter what I did, my father never really changed so far. He said it multiple times over the years but he never does put action behind his words. He still lies about even the most ridiculous things. He still tells me he loves me but the moment that I don’t do something he wants me to do or if I have another opinion than he does or anything, he yells at me and treats me like I’m some no-good lunatic. He still cusses around the house and spreads gossip and foul language and bitterness and resentment towards any and all that he perceives to be in his way. I remember the times while growing up when he lied to my mom and she caught him and it sparked a big fight, which would always end with my mom crying. With 14, I stood up against him every time when this occurred and faced off with him from then on, taking up my mom’s defense because she couldn’t. I developed a deep-seated resentment against my father. I didn’t allow my father to touch me in any way or come close – I kept a physical distance because that was the one thing I had a certain control over. I hate the way he acts and that there is no bit of self-will/self-motivation in him to at least tangibly try to change something on his part. Since God brought me unto salvation in Christ, He taught me about forgiveness and His love – and it took me a little but I’ve made progress with forgiving in my heart, with letting go and moving forward. But to be honest, my father is still the one person I have the hardest time showing the love, that’s naturally in my heart, to. It is indeed easier for me to show love and bond with strangers than with my father. I just can’t help but tense up around him… I can’t be myself around him. In my preparation for marriage I have of course already given some thoughts to my wedding and so… I know that’s funny ’cause I haven’t even got a husband-to-be yet… but this girl follows God’s encouragement to paint the vision and run with it. So, I’ve got my bridesmaid picked out already and I remotely know where I would like to marry… and as this is gonna be one of the most important, most beautiful, most sacred days of my life, I have decided that my father will not be a part of it. I’m still under my dad’s influence so far, and God is faithfully and graciously working through it with me, still I am looking forward all the more to finally be released into full freedom from him once God blesses me with marriage. So, to me, my future hubby will literally be a godly knight in shining armor. I don’t have any particular physical vision of how I would picture my future husband to be… he can be tall or short, lovely muscular or with some sweet belly to cuddle, black or white or anything in between,… the vision that matters to me is that he is Christian, so we will be anchored with our lives and beings in the same firm foundation, and that he has a heart for God and a heart for people, so he will know what real love is and live it out, and so he will love the truth, just like I do. Dear Upcomingauthor, your words have blessed me because they have shown me that such husbands do exist – godly, faith-filled husbands, who love their wife so much that they are freely willing to lovingly walk the miles with her, no matter what. Thank you for who you are in Christ and the husband you are to your wife! God bless you both!!

      Dear FightForLove, I wish to send you my most heartfelt love and respect for the challenging journey you both walk out with God so powerfully and bravely!! You are an incredible testimony to the power of the love that tethers you two together. I have suffered at the hands of my father’s emotional and verbal abuse. I had developed early a profound sexual aversion with all its symptoms and quite some consequences of emotional and social deprivation occurring for me as a result of it – with every year that passed, my father letting himself be tossed and blown in attitude by circumstances and behaving worse and worse, my aversion (of which I had been unaware until last year) was getting stronger and stronger… I ended up completely isolated by my mid-20’s. I functioned under a self-expected performance pressure and was trapped in the roles I had given myself in being the strong one in the family, the unshakable, reliable, always present and willing helper, the forever kid and anchor. Throughout the years, looking back, the most apparent sign, which revealed that there was an unhealthy imbalance, a damage in my soul, was when I developed a habit of pulling out my eyelashes and eyebrows with 17. I remember when it started and it got worse and worse, especially in the years when my father completely gave away all self-control. I hit rock-bottom in this self-destructive habit in 2012. Since God revealed my aversion to me last year and has begun to fully heal me -in my mind, body and soul- He has also given me beauty for ashes by bringing my lashes and brows back to me and helping me to step by step overcome the compulsive habit of pulling. I am not completely stable all the time just yet with this former habit but I am well on the way and I know that I know that I know that I have been set free in Christ from the pulling, just like He has set me free from the aversion. The love that God has shown me and that He made me tangibly experience in Him is what I’m forever grateful for. His love has changed my life. His love has changed me. And I’m so glad that He is far from finished with me yet, that there are new horizons to reach, new freedoms in Him to achieve. Dear FightForLove, I know childhood sexual abuse is a whole different level of hardship, for it not only involves emotional and verbal abuse but also physical abuse. But I just wish to let you know the depth of respect and love I feel for the both of you. I don’t know if any words I could say here would make a difference in any way but please know that I wholeheartedly cheer you on in this amazing journey of restoration through Christ you’re on. You are both so precious! May God give you mighty beauty for ashes and bless you forevermore and be so very close to you – keeping you always and leading you on a firm footing into the fullness of His freedom for you in every area and into the full abundance of His blessing of your amazing marriage!

    • Fight for Love says:

      Dear PassionateForChrist,

      thanks for sharing your story. Thank you for all your kind words and blessings.
      You have to carry quite a bit as well. I have one advice I would like to hand on to you. You have not written anything about counseling or pastoral care (hope these are the right words, English isn’t my native tongue). If you use it, good. If you haven’t used it, I ask you to consider it. There is a lot of power in talking and praying with another person in person. And the more healed you are before you get married the better!

      God bless you tooo
      Fight for Love

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Dear FightForLove, thank you so much for your heartfelt care and loving words! Receiving such love and care always means the world to me and I never take it for granted. “And the more healed you are before you get married the better!” – this is so true and it is the reason I am to my very depths so grateful to God that He started His work of restoration and healing within me before He ever gives me the chance to have a boyfriend-to-be-fiancé-to-be-husband!

      When God revealed the aversion to me and began to seriously deal with me about it, I had encountered in the resources He used to open my eyes that some sort of counseling would be helpful/recommended, as in the end the traumatic experiences, that shaped the aversion, would have to be faced and overcome and it is easier of a process to go through with the help of a trusted person at hand than alone by oneself. A trusted person could help with guidance, comfort, accountability, truth in love, encouragement, support and all those important things. I will elaborate a bit more in depth about my case for you and the MH community, about the way, that God provided for me to take, as He set out to tackle it with me up to now… but as I do, I clearly want to emphasize that on this way He chose for me to take, He also provided me with His Grace to be able to take it so far… He knows the situation I find myself in, and His way for me took that into account… Without His Grace in every single detail of my journey of restoration, it wouldn’t have been possible for me to navigate these waters, to make the progress I have made thus far.

      You mentioned the benefit, the power of being in person with a trusted person in this. Unfortunately, ‘in person’ was impossible for me to have… The people I live with are my parents and they are no help in this matter. I had tried a couple of times to open up about this to them but it ended in chaos and basically denial of the problem. I chose to not venture into this again because it does more harm than good… they are not able to see nor handle this matter gently, lovingly and calmly, so it’s best to just let it be on that front. I have no friends where I live, so I have no one I could confide in in person, no one I could turn to or go to. The ones I consider to be my friends are all in the beautiful USA, an ocean apart from me… that’s also where my church home is and where the pastors I trust are. So, where I live, apart from having God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I am sort of an isolated island to myself so far. My personal only hope to get out of this state of isolation is to start a new life in my American church community, where God has begun to plant me and connect me to… but to tell you the truth, it will take nothing short of a miracle from God to make this happen… there is no way I can reach this dream/goal/hope alone. God is faithful. And I do believe Him for this miracle in my life. So, this was to give you a little background information.

      Thus, as He revealed the aversion to me, I have asked God to be my Healer and Redeemer in this because He is basically all I got and I declared to Him that I believed that He was able to lead me in this and to heal back unto His wholeness all that was not in accord with His Truth and Word within me. I prayed to Him to keep me closer than ever before and to watch me closely and I committed to Him to be willing to submit to His will in everything. God was gracious to have positioned by my side a married lady (a pastor) I thoroughly respect, love dearly and trust unconditionally… Though I’ve never met her in person yet, God’s grace was upon us in this and she so faithfully walked with me through this… Just to have her with me in spirit was a huge blessing and help for me. We communicated in private over messages. I could pour my heart out to her, as I worked through the aversion in self-study with God, and though she didn’t always say a lot, I knew she was there to listen and that she always kept me in her prayers, and at pivotal moments on my restoration journey she spoke vital, powerful words of encouragement to me, that made all the difference in those particular moments. I can definitely say that without that trusted, most lovely pastor and without God, I couldn’t have ever made it to breakthrough. I do know that the next big milestone will come when God will lift me out of being so set apart in the natural and put me amidst a community of faith and cause my future hubby to find me and fall in love with me… because then comes the moment where I get to put into practice everything He has so deeply and lovingly taught and built within me through all this time. I very much look forward to this! This is gonna be exciting! I realize that it may not always be easy – life never is – but I have committed to God to leave the past behind and not drag baggage from my past into my future relationships, especially not into my marriage relationship. I do pray about this to God already now, that He would make sure that I will not carry any ‘wrongness’ of my past into the future He has for me (attitudes, habits…). I wanna be all I can be for my husband and I will fully give myself to him and I will be completely honest with him. Open and honest is the best policy I have. I will give my future hubby the keys to my heart and soul and being – I will let him know all potential triggers I have; I will let him know my fears, my past, my secrets, everything…

      I do want to emphasize that the way God led me in my journey of restoration has been a bit risky because, as I was in it mostly on my own, it necessitated of me to be so very deeply attuned to the nudges of the Holy Spirit, to the guidance of the still, small voice, as to not be led astray (or as to repent and readjust my course quickly); it necessitated of me to be willing to completely yield to His will, even when fear was about to freeze me in my tracks and almost bullied me into giving up, or even if it meant to step outside of everything my mind and feelings were accustomed to so far; it necessitated of me to trust God more than myself… it necessitated of me to fully surrender to Him – myself and my mess. Without His mighty Grace in all of it, I know I could have never made it. But this is the way He chose for me to walk and, faithful to His Word, He provided on it everything that would be necessary when it would be necessary. The journey is still being written on and the greatest chapters of it are yet to come. 🙂

      God bless you and your amazing wife!!

  4. cameron says:

    You guys ROCK!!! keep pushing through it and I know God can help you all.

    Jake and I went through a deep valley when he was in a car accident. Then again it brought us really really close for a good 8 weeks. He and I are in the process of righting a story about that, so stay tuned.

    Take care.

  5. secrettreasure says:

    I would say that you are both proving stronger than your challenges. Amazing! What a testimony to your commitment to love each other “for better or worse.”

    • Fight for Love says:

      I would say, no you’re not quite right. When I look back I don’t know why or how we lasted that long in fighting this fight except that God carried us through. Every single day.

      There were times when I thought it would fit better if we said “for worse or worst”.

  6. Lovinghusband says:

    Dear Fight For Love,

    I had not read this until today (Memorial Day). Your situation has touched me deeply.

    I want you to know that many of the stories on MH seem to touch on our sexual lives at their peak moments. Not all the stories on MH are about the peak moments. Yet, I want you to know that all of us could write stories about difficulties that we have encountered during our marriages. At least, we all need to know that working through many difficulties in marriage is common to us all.

    That said, I have not encountered your situation in my marriage. I am so glad for what has happened to you both in recent weeks. I think you have good reasons to be hopeful. If your wife had not masturbated for 15 years – the fact that something has changed, and that she is getting horny – is awesome.

    I pray that the Lord will continue to give you wisdom and patience. When our ultimate hope is in Christ – that helps us have a sense of the ultimate priorities in this life. That said, sex in marriage is not unimportant. It seems like you both have this issue as part of your greater communication with one another. Please know that by your bringing this up here – that people will pray for you two. God bless you! LH

    • Wanted Always says:

      Keep fighting BUT ALSO START PRAYING,, NAKED SITTING ON THE BED FACING EACH OTHER HOLDING HANDS. EYES OPEN OR CLOSED, I RECOMMEND OPEN AND ASK GOD’S HELP TO ENJOY HIS GIFT THAT WAS SO DAMAGED FOR YOUR WIFE AND ASK HIM TO GIVE YOU WHAT IT TAKES TO HELP HER THRU. THEN LET HER PRAY AND SAY WHATEVER. SHE’S TALKING TO THE GOD THAT CREATED SEX AND IF ANY BEING CAN HELP WITH A “CURE” IT IS GOD

      TRY STARTING SITTING ON THE FLOOR BOTH IN UNDERWEAR AND HER IN UNDERWEAR AND A BRA. NOW THANK GOD FOR EACH PART OF THE OTHERS PHYSICAL BODY YOU CAN SEE. TAKE TURNS. THEN YOU TAKE OFF HER BRA AND DESCRIBE TO GOD YOUR WIFE’S BEAUTIFUL BREASTS AND ASK HIM TO COVER THEM WITH CHRIST’S GRACE AND THE SAME WHEN YOU REMOVE HER PANTIES. THEN HAVE HER TAKE OFF YOUR SHORTS AND LOOK AT AND THANK GOD FOR YOUR PARTS THAT WERE CREATED JUST FOR HER. ASK HER TO THANK GOD FOR HELPING HER THRU THE PAIN AND TO BEGIN HELPING HER ENJOY YOUR SEX PARTS ASK SHE DESCRIBES THEM IN DETAIL TO GOD AND THANKS HIM FOR THEM.
      FRIENDS,
      PRAYER, REAL PRAYER WORKS WONDERS.

    • Wanted Always says:

      I FORGOT THIS BUT ANOTHER THING TO TRY AFTER YOU MAKE A LITTLE PROGRESS WITH THE ABOVE ………………..PRAY TOGETHER FOR FREEDOM WHILE YOU HAVE SEX AND BOTH OF YOU GET NAKED AND GET ON BED OR FLOOR AND THE BLINDFOLD YOURSELF AND LET HER DO THE SAME NOW TELL HER TO PICTURE ONLY YOU AND GO FROM THERE. IF SHE WAS VIOLATED BLINDFOLDED THE LET HE KEEP HER EYES OPEN SO SHE KNOWS IT’S YOU SHE’S PLAYING WITH AND NOT THE PERSON STEALING FROM YOU BOTH. GOD LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU BOTH TO HAVE SCREAMING MOANING ORGASMS WITH EACH OTHER. I TRULY BELIEVE HE LOVES HELPING MARRIED COUPLES ENJOY THE GIFT HE DESIGNED FOR THEM SHE CAN EVEN TIE YOUR HANDS SO SHE KNOWS SHE CAN NOT BE FORCED TO DO ANYTHING SHE DOESN’T WANT TO. YOUR FEET TOO IN A SPREAD EAGLE FASHION, SO SHE CAN JUST PLAY AND EXPLORE YOUR BODY. IF YOU DON’T CUM FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER TELL HER YOUR GOING TO LEAVE ON THE BLINDFOLD AND MASTURBATE YOURSELF TO ORGASM AND SHE CAN EITHER WATCH OR HOLD YOU BUT SHE CAN NOT HELP YOU STROKE OFF TO ORGASM.
      GOD BLESS YOU \ YOU ARE IN OUR PRAYERS.

    • Fight for Love says:

      Dear Wanted Always,

      thanks for your suggestions. I will talk that through with my wife and we’ll see what fits beside prayer (which alway fits ;-).

      One question comes to my mind. How did you get these ideas of combing prayer and sex?

      Thanks a lot for your prayers. God bless you
      Fight for Love

    • Wanted Always says:

      I have been reading books by both Christian authors and secular ones. I am beginning a ministry with my wife where we hope to reach out and touch lives pre and post marriage.
      God created sex for us to procreate and to enjoy each other. God designed both male and female bodies He designed sex to be enjoyed between a husband and wife.
      The book of Genesis tells how Adam was presented with a gift eve) and God told them to reproduce and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it. We talk to God about everything else why not sex, it was his gift to a man and woman that were united together. He wants us to ask and if you read the Song of Solomon. Read that in the newer easier to read translations. They had a great timke and God said GO FOR IT! My paraphrase
      I have many books and the one rexcommended to married couples called “intimacy Ignited” by. Dillow and Pintus and excellent book for any couple to explore their sexuality and ask God to help them. Christian book you can got from amazon. My wife and I are married over 35 years and we still pray before each encounter. God has .lead and is leading us to start a ministry dealing with mentoring couples that need help or before they get married.
      Long answer for a short question, please feel free to ask anything else you Need,
      God Bless you and your mate and we will be praying for you.
      BLESSINGs from both of us.

  7. rekindlethefire says:

    Thank you for your openness and sharing the pain of a marriage affected by abuse. Our marriage, too, has been going through much of what you’re experiencing. It’s almost a torturous feeling for a husband to be laying next to his wife who he loves so deeply desiring to be intimate with her with no restraint, and not being able to touch her. Yet it’s one of the most heroic things to push all that aside and love her and nurture her anyway. Hold onto true love enjoy what comes as it comes. Unfortunately the aftermath of childhood sex abuse will always affect your marriage in some way or another, however what you gain out of the pain is a woman who will be loyal to you to the very end. It’s so hard not to pressure your wife for the sexual closeness we read about on this site, but in NOT doing so, you gain so much respect from her. It’s a balance, though… you have to let your needs be known in a non-threatening way. She just can never feel like you will leave her over this. I hope others who have come through this very thing can write posts to encourage men like us, and who can even help women like the ones we love come through their pain.

  8. Julie Rawlins says:

    I don’t know if the origonal author is still reading comments, it has been so long. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My husband has stayed with me for 12 years though they have been frought with sexual problems. My problems run deap. past problems with constant belittling have left me with more issues than either of us were prepared for, niether of us had been with anyone before.I see that as a blessing. If I had known what I was in for I would never had married. My husband Is the biggest blessing in my life. I am scared to think what my life would have been without him. no healing would ever have been possible without him. I know that what I have been though can not be compared to what your wife has been though. for you though, I have the greatest symathy, I have been inconsistant, secretive, and even verbally abusive when I felt threated. I must say, I’m not sure why he has stayed with me except his constant reasurances that he loves me. Many times he has gone without. Often I wasn’t up for much more than cuddling. We waited years for children to come into our home. He has always wanted kids. a big family was his dream. I am 36 and he is 37. We do have 2 beautiful daughters now. my biggest worry is that I’ll pass the problems down to them. The only way I can see to assure that we prevent that is by me finally solving them for good.That has taken a lot of prayer. I have searched far and wide for anything I thought might help and I know I have been lead to wonderful people who I know God wanted me to find. The last year has been our best ever, but there are still ups and downs. I pray for you. I hope you know how much she wants to love you thought the pain. Hang in there.

  9. Frank Sprandel says:

    Hello new to this site called marriage heat found by accident or maybe by God's direction you see my wife is a victim of severe childhood sexual abuse and i really at my wits end not sure hoe to keep going anymore its been 20 plus years since this nightmare begin we we married about 15 years and when our second son was born with a difficult delivery it triggered horrific memories of the past for my wife of her abuse by her brother boss and being raped 3 times before the age of 18 plus physical abuse at home beatings etc as if that was not enough her uncles also took advantage to able her serially in addition to her brother we have not had any sex in 15 plus years now she says she has no interest at all we have tried different therapies and therapists but to little or no avail and of little help at best seems as though her trauma is so severe there is no hope I just can't deal with it anymore and although don't want to.bail I am going to be 60 and her 62 life is short so any encouragement is so welcomed thanks so much frustrated and extremely anxious husband Frank

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