Baby Blues

Hello, everyone!  It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything.  I haven’t had much time to write anything new in a while.  I’ve been checking the site for new updates and comments, but that’s about it.  I don’t think I’ve even commented on anything recently.

And that leads to something I wanted to ask my Marriage Heat family for prayer and advice on.

The baby is doing great.  Almost nine months now!  (Hard to believe.  It feels like we just had her!) So naturally she does take up a lot of time and attention.  But we are having fun with her.  She recently started crawling, and she is all over the place.  And between that and work our day is pretty full.

Except…we aren’t having sex much.  We seem only to be able to have sex on weekends and even then it’s a “hurry up and get it over with” kind.

Apparently, when you become parents, your body emits some hormone when you go to try to have sex.  This hormone floats in the air and lands on the baby and causes the baby to cry.  (Even when she’s been asleep for a while.) Because it seems the baby is determined to not let us have sex.  It seems, that every time we try, the same thing happens: Get naked, jump in bed and start kissing and just when things start heating up and my wife is nearing her orgasm. WAAAHH!  We’ve tried to push through but that is a major distraction, and my wife loses her concentration on the orgasm.  So we have to call an abort.  Or she says for me just to do her real quick and then we get up and see about the baby.  So she hasn’t had an orgasm in a while.  And we haven’t been able to focus on each other for a while.

So I wanted to ask everyone who has had children for your advice.  How do you have a hot, passionate sex life with a baby in the house?  She doesn’t regularly sleep yet so we can’t plan on her naps.  We’ve tried rocking her to sleep and then laying her down, but she is awake within 5 minutes.  (Or the second we lay her down. She’s been doing that a lot too.) So like I said we either don’t have sex at all or it gets interrupted or it turns into a quick get it over with session.

And while I love her beyond words, she is putting a damper on our sex life.  We’re also tired from her awkward sleep schedule.  She is still waking up a couple of times a night, and that throws us off.  So we’re tired on top of all of it.  But the bigger issue now is that we can’t get 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted time to focus on each other in the bedroom.  As I said, it seems there is a hormone that we release when we want to have sex that makes the baby cry.  Even if she is playing in her play pen, the minute we go in there and get started she cries.  When we stop and go check on her, she stops crying.  And we’ve tried everything: Leave her in her play pen with toys, lay her down for a nap, set her in her bouncer seat, and nothing lasts more than 5 minutes.

And just in case you’re wondering, no we don’t live near any family that can take her for an afternoon so we can have time to ourselves.  And I know this is pretty normal and that it’s just a phase right now.  I know she eventually will start sleeping through the night, and we can have a better routine and schedule.  But it’s still getting frustrating.  I feel like the days consist of: Get up, go to work, come home, fix dinner, get ready for the next day, go to bed and do it all again.  So it just feels like we don’t have time, energy or time to ourselves to connect sexually.  And lately both of our jobs have kept us busy during the day, so we can’t even text each other during the day as much as we used to. I feel like I never talk to my wife and only see her for a short time in the evening.  There was a time when I went about a week without even seeing her naked because she went to bed before me, and we never had sex.

And between the sexual frustration, the relational frustration, and the exhaustion it is also causing me and my wife to be short with each other and snap at each other and get frustrated over every little thing.  (Which obviously doesn’t create feelings of desire for each other.)

So if I could ask for everyone’s prayers about this but also your advice.  Has anyone else out there dealt with this or something similar?  How did you handle this?  Any advice on getting a baby to stay quiet for 20-30 minutes so we can do something other than quickies?  Or so we can finish properly without getting interrupted?  And so we can connect physically and sexually?

I’m sure many of you have dealt with this, so I wanted to hear from you guys on how you dealt with it.  Thanks in advance!

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20 replies
  1. cameron says:

    HH I think it is kinda funny you say this. I am almost dun with a story that has a short part of what you are talking about in it.

    My little girl Hanna stayed asleep for us when we were going at it, but Kyle was the opposite. When I was pregnant with him he would be still. As soon as Jake got home though and so much as gave me a kiss, Kyle would give me a little kick. If Jake and I got to smooching to much or cuddling in bed he would kick me hard and make me take a brake. So I thought it was funny that you should share about this. As like you even after I had him he would cry if we did any thing heated.

    As for being short with each other, I know what you mean. It did work out a lot in us though so in a way i am glad for it.

    We did fined that it was hard for the hormones to travel through water lol. So in that time that we were having a strained sex life we did have a lot of showers together. Also we had my sister close by to help us out if we needed a date night. You said that you did not have family by so maybe your friends or a baby sitter could take your little one for a few hr's. I do know how ever that is is hard to give your baby up to people other than family.

    I don't know how much this helped, but I am sure other can help you much more than me.

    Just know though it is a stage and it will pass in time. I am hoping that with my next baby that it will be easy.

    Take care and hang in there buddy.

  2. Lovinghusband says:

    Dear Horny Hubby,

    First - you have been missed here on MH!

    I want to encourage you to remember that there are some special seasons of life - that don't last forever. Honestly, I can't say from experience that we were very successful in this area. The good news for us was that it seemed like those seasons were so demanding with many things - that we were kind of distracted - and thus not burning with heat.

    If I were in your shoes - and without family there for help - I would perhaps try to find another couple in your church that you know and trust. If you know them well enough - confide in them. Ask for some opportune moments for them to baby sit. Instead of it being a going out to dinner and a movie - go out to dinner and come home for sex. Then, go pick up the baby. I know of couples who do a baby sitting swap on a semi-regular basis (people with no family to baby sit). So, look to your church family for help. Also, are you getting any release with masturbation during this season?

    Again - don't forget that perspective is important - this is a temporary time. Let you bride know that you are desiring her.

    I will pray for you two in this regard. I know this is a hard time for you both. My heart goes out to you! I hope you know that we care for you guys! I am confident that God is sufficient to meet our needs for all things - and I mean ALL things!! In His love, LH.

    • Fight for Love says:

      I have one addition to that. Around us are a lot of married couples who are having trouble getting pregnant for various reasons. We also have some friends who even don't have a partner.

      I can speak for myself here when I say, that looking after kids of friends has helped my dreams of becoming a dad stay alive even though reality looked not promising at all.

  3. Eva says:

    I'm curious how actively you are trying to get baby on a schedule and if you are open to trying more actively than you already are. I know for us, we were very proactive in getting the babies on schedules from the time they were just a couple days old, and it was a huge pay-off for us. Both kids, by the time they were about 3 month old, were on reliable, sex permitting schedules.

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      May I ask, out of curiosity, how do you get babies on a schedule? Got no idea how that would look like practically...

    • Eva says:

      Baby scheduling is a pretty controversial subject in some circles, so I'm kinda hesitant to get into it here, because it isn't really something I'm terribly passionate about either way. I know for me, it was something that worked, but I kinda fell into it accidentally, since it was what grandma recommended and I didn't know anything different. For us, because of our personalities and possibly also because of the personalities of the kids, scheduling happened fairly easily without a whole lot of drama. But I have a very dear friend who has a small posse of children at her house, and she's never had a single one of them on a schedule until they were a year old. And she is totally fine with this and it works for her and I applaud her for her patience in getting up every night several times a night for 8 years straight...because that is something I could never do, and she has the patience of a saint when it comes to her kids.

      The basic premise that we used with our kids was the simple routine of eat, play, sleep, eat, play, sleep, repeat. I always fed the kids right after I woke them up from a nap. I let them play until they got fussy, and then I put them down in their cribs and let them fall asleep on their own. A couple hours later, I woke them up, fed them, and started the routine over. The important piece for scheduling was that I controlled the time they woke up from their naps. And this was sometimes tricky, especially with my first child whose feet I sometimes had to run under cold water in order to get her to wake up enough to be able to nurse. And some parents have a problem with doing things like running cute baby feet under cold water...and I really respect that. So I understand this method isn't for everyone.

      We used that basic rhythm of eat, play, sleep, repeat with both kids, but both kids still developed their own schedule within those limits. Our first child was on a 4 hour day and night schedule from about the time she was a month old and never deviated until she was weened at 12 months. Our second child I had a tad more trouble with b/c I was expecting the same 4 hour schedule to emerge. It never emerged, despite my best efforts in those early months,....but instead he ate every 3 hours during the day and then slept soundly through the night starting at about 13 weeks old. And hey, as a mom of two small children, I certainly wasn't going to complain about that!

      So, take those thoughts with however many grains of salt you want. I just know it worked for us, but might not be the best route for everyone. Here's a great article from Baby Center that explains things a bit more thoroughly for anyone who is interested:

      I also want to say that Gary Ezzo is the guy who wrote one of the books mentioned in the article, and I think his book "Baby Wise" was one that I read sometime around baby #2 when I couldn't get him on the 4 hour schedule I was expecting. At the time, I thought that particular book was just fine and dandy, and my guess is that if I went back and read it now, I'd probably still think that. However, I have also recently read some things that concern me about the forms of discipline that Ezzo promotes in his other books for older children...but I haven't read any of his other books concern is simple coming second hand from other sources. So I just want to say that if anyone does end up picking up Ezzo books as a result of what I've written here, please read his stuff cautiously and with discernment.

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Thank you for elaborating on it for me! I didn't know that was a particular method. Don't you worry about potentially influencing me with something that worked well for you but may not be the right way for me... I'm not someone, who follows blindly. I usually listen to my inner voice, above all else, so no worries. 🙂

      I cannot say it for 100% sure just yet (due to not being in the situation of being a new, first-time mommy yet) but I think that letting it go the way it naturally goes will be fine for me. I'll leave it to God to prepare me for it all in just the way He envisions it to be for me and to equip me on all fronts for the day and night shifts, which will await me and include looking after the future baby and the future hubby. 😉

    • cameron says:

      I was going to ask the same thing lol. Hanna had a little more of a schedule, but we could never get her really on one till she was about 1 or 2.

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Do I get brownie points for asking it first?? 😀 About 1 or 2 sounds good to me.

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      😀 😀 Keep it fresh. I'll be there in a bit... watch out for me in November. I'll fly by. 😉

  4. Hot Milk says:

    Dear horny hubby
    My heart and prayers go out to you, I would encourage you to pray together with your wife as this can be a powerful tool against the enemy creeping in! Pray over your precious baby before she goes to sleep every night . Romance your wife with texts, encouragement, lots of hugs etc. when you are making love don't give up straight away but gently resettle your baby, try and continue , but above all be patient through this season! Our 4th baby slept in our bed for over two years and that was out of desperation for sleep . We have had another since and have managed to have a very passionate marriage bed despite the little ones , in fact I think they have given us creativity and the wisdom of finding out just how intense delayed orgasm can be.

  5. Fight for Love says:

    Dear horny hubby,

    this is just second hand advice, I hope it's still understandable. Unfortunately I can't give first hand advice, wish I could... This is what I've learned about how good friends, where I visit once a week handle their kids.

    I just had to think, that the problem might not be rooted in your hormones at all. Maybe it's just your absense from the room and not hearing you either. Is your baby girl used to beeing in the room by herself for a few minutes when she is awake? What about at night? Is she sleeping in your bed / room or next door? If not you might want to try to leave her playing (safely) but can't follow you and go to a room next door and start doing something quiet like reading a short article. When starts crying, call over that you're there and everything is good. Try to extend that time.

    I remember those close friends saying, that they wanted to have their bedroom back for their own pleasure. So when their then youngest started to sleep through, she had to "move out" (was the same with the two oldest). When one of their kids cried, most of the time, they would walk over, caress them and tuck them back in bed. Normally they would not take them over to their bedroom. This was always a little struggle at first but also a first way in setting boarders (and who sets them).

    Fight for Love

    • cameron says:

      Good point fight for love. It is just so hard though so listen to your little one cry and not go over to him/her and comfort them.

    • Fight for Love says:

      Yes cameron, that is absolutely true. Didn't say it would be easy. 😉 But as ElsieDD described (way better than I did) below, it works quite well.

  6. Upcomingauthor says:

    Im going to keep my short a sweet. If not family then family friends. She's 9 months and it sounds like she hasn't been away from you yet. Yes, attatchment is good, shes your kid, but she still needs to be away from you guys from time to time. When my daughter was first born she was 9 months old by the time we went on a trip but before that we had let her stay with baby sitters and the such so we could go ou, yeah she would cry but she got use to it. You gotta let her go so you can attach back with your wife. Find someone super trust worthy and get out of the house for a couple of days.

  7. jezuz11 says:

    This article describes most of the last decade for us. That first year of each child was always the most difficult on almost every aspect of our marriage. It's something you endure. I didn't learn until our 4th to lower my expectations and increase masturbation. It was a game changer. It helped us make it through in a healthier way. And the good times will roll once again.

  8. ElsieDD says:

    Dear Horny Hubby

    I really feel for you, as others have said the first year or two can be really tough, then unfortunately you tend to have another baby and the years all blend into one! What saved us was getting a really good sleep routine going. My first child started waking through the night more and more at about 3 or 4 months old and we were exhausted. Our health visitor (special nurse who visits round new parents & young babies here in UK) recommended what they call Controlled Crying which was basically putting baby in their own room away from Mum & Dad, letting them cry for a while (3 - 4 minutes) if they woke then going to them, reassuring them but not picking them up or offering milk etc. It was tough for 2 or 3 nights, leaving them to cry does go against all your instincts but very soon we were sleeping through the night and have never looked back. I have 4 kids and they have all slept right through in their own beds, it's just what they expect to do. I think it is a fatal mistake to let them in your bed as friends still have kids of 8 or 9 appearing through the night! We also used the controlled crying method for day time naps as I was often putting the baby down in their cot for a nap and they would be awake crying again within 20 minutes. Once we got them trained they all would go and sleep for 1 and a half to two hours in the afternoon and still sleep at night about 7.30pm no bother. I feel a lot of babies just don't get the chance to sleep enough through the day because they are taken off visiting, shopping, baby clubs etc and never get into a routine, then they are grumpy, cranky and seem to have more trouble sleeping at night. Lots of friends used to comment on how lucky we were to have kids that slept so well but I don't think it was luck, just good management!! I also think if you get it right with the first kid then the others see what is expected too. Sorry not a sexy answer but has allowed us more time for sex, even if it means waking the other up in the middle of the night for a quickie, we know we wont be disturbed! You need to try and sort it before they can climb out their cot and come and find you, then it's too late!! Good luck!

  9. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    My husband and I waited for a few weeks after I gave birth to our children to have sex, Once we put them to sleep we'd make love then, and we'd also make love between feeds. It worked well that way and the nights were still as hot, and they can be for you too 🙂 I'm sorry that this is happening, I truly am and I agree with the other people's advice to pray. I'll pray for you all too. God will look after you.

  10. T and S says:

    We are in a similar situation with twins born a few months ago...

    I would agree with the others that said getting them on a little more scheduled time can be helpful. For us the key has been to keep them up during the day as much as we can for a day or two and then they tend to sleep through the night. That helps, but it won't necessarily solve all the concerns you addressed. If you wife, like mine, is feeding too then her body is spending a lot of energy producing milk too. She will be tired.

    I understand your frustration and am feeling it now too, but it is temporary. That doesn't make it feel any better now, but I can tell you that the sex (until this latest birth) was far and above anything we had in our before kids marriage. I would suggest extra doses of patience and maybe some scheduled times that you can both anticipate, both for the conversational aspects and the sexual aspects that you mentioned.

    For what it's worth

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