**So this is an article I wrote for my communities local church magazine called EnSoul. I was taking a gamble. The editor is family friend of mine and knows my Pastor, said she was looking for writers. So my Pastor asked me if I would write something. Took a gamble because the damaged thoughts about sex among our youth is scary and I worry for my kids. As a minister and a writer I feel like God is calling me to reach out to the youth in my community and I want to extend that reach here as well. I pray both Part one and Part two to be posted later really touch your hearts and I hope it opens up some great discussion. This is also my testimony in more detail than my “About Upcomingauthor” at the bottom, so I hope its a witness to others.**
For months I’ve known what I wanted to write on but not how to go at it. But then that’s the problem we already have today. We want to beat around the bush and try not to offend anyone on what we have to say but unfortunately that’s not how I’m going to be. So I’m about to label what I’m going to talk about and if you want to move on to something else then that’s on you.
We’re going to talk about sex.
Still with me? Cool! Welcome and thank you.
Now don’t get me wrong I’m not trying to offend anyone but unfortunately this is something we don’t talk about enough in the Church and because of it our Children are suffering for it. Children? You’re right, I look young and sadly I’m speaking from experience.
Right now I have Wilderness by Nick Jonas playing on repeat to give me the inspiration I need. It’s five in the morning and I can’t sleep. As the keyboard hook comes on again I’m reminded of only a couple of months ago I’m driving to work singing this song at the top of my lungs, music at its peak almost blowing out my speakers and the thoughts of my wife and how I just couldn’t wait to get home to her. Don’t understand what I mean? Go look up the lyrics. Don’t worry I’ll still be here when you get back.
What did you think? If you still don’t understand what I mean then you just said more than you ever will about your sex life to me, good thing you’re reading this and we’re not actually face to face.
So why am I using this song as inspiration? To remind me that we live in a sex hungry society. From our TV shows, books and movies like Fifty Shades, and our music. Not to mention those God awful Carl’s Jr. Commercials. They’re talking about all natural and my wife and I laugh because you can clearly see that she’s got implants. Isn’t nothing natural there. From all the how to’s, to the sea of condoms one can choose from on V-day, and back to popular TV shows like ABC’s Scandal. Our culture not only feeds off of sex but it craves it more than anything. And the church is doing nothing but preaching abstinence. Then we turn an and act like we deserve a pat on the back when our kids go out and experiment and if they’re lucky only come back with a child or two and go, “Well we told them so…” Uh…no! That is nowhere near enough.
Let me put it this way. Like I said I speak from experience and sadly a lot of Church folk do when we talk to our kids about sex. We tell them no but neglect to really tell them why. It’s like the stove experience. We tell them not to touch it or they’ll get hurt or burn themselves. And some kids may get the hint and leave it alone. But in all honesty how many get burned before they learn? Or, how many times do we have to spank them because they keep getting close before they get it? And even then all that does is make them angry and even more curious, hint why it takes multiple beatings. Or even worse do any of us realize that we say no… and then go right back to messing around with it ourselves, giving that do as I say not as I do attitude? What kind of message does that send? Don’t you know our kids grow up wanting to be just like mommy and daddy? If they can do it why can’t I? Same thing goes for any other lesson in life especially sex.
We preach and teach wait until marriage but do any of us stop to say why? For those of us who are speaking from experience do we tell them what we struggled with? We tell them get married, have kids in marriage, only live together in marriage, but do they know why God wants this for them? Or do we just say because He said so and then throw the anointing oil at them?
Don’t you remember the questions you had? Want to bet they have the same questions. But do they feel like they can come and ask you? Probably not and so they got to go and look elsewhere, and unfortunately elsewhere is generally the internet. We all know where that leads today.
God knows I was always curious. My mom gave me the talk when I was seven. Unfortunately a “girlfriend” I already had when I was five had mentioned a few things to me already by that point. Looking back mom says she suspected someone in her family might how been messing with her. I remember when we were playing house in her room and she told me that adults did this thing where they lifted our shirts and touch our bellies together. So we did, just a couple of FIVE year olds not really understanding what we were doing and her mom walked in on us. Told me to go home. Thought I was going to get into trouble but she never said anything to my mom.
Let me say again, we were FIVE! And I was born in 92’.
When mom gave me the talk I remember she told me I could ask any questions I wanted. She had read to me out of this little book that had these crude cut out pictures of a man and woman and explained the anatomy of sex and how it lead to pregnancy but that was it. When it came time to ask questions I remember asking my mom questions but the one that stood out to me was I asked her if it hurt girls the first time. She answered honestly, but I was seven and could already tell the look on her face said she was shocked and surprised that I had asked that question. Naturally, being seven, I instantly took that to something was wrong with me… And so you can understand that I stopped asking questions after that one and when I got older I didn’t really ask from there. God knows I love my parents, but still that one look showed me that it wasn’t not going to be awkward for them being asked those questions and so I went looking on my own.
I remember there were several times I tried looking for that book because I wanted to see the pictures of the woman. It wasn’t super explicit for a book made in the 90’s but it was enough to spark something in me even at the age of seven. And so when I was ten and a teenaged boy told me to go look up a few keywords in Google, I did.
God! Like I said, I love my parents but from the time I was ten until honestly until I was twenty Pornography had its hooks in me. And they tried their best but for the most part I got the same speech, it’s bad before marriage. My parents tried to tell me that it was better in marriage, but they were raising a millennial. I had access to stuff they didn’t so I know it was harder for them than it would have been for their parents. And they tried to turn me to God for answers…for some odd reason they made me read proverbs…now that I’m older I know that wasn’t the best choice. While we can always go to God with anything we need to understand one thing, the best hands on approach to topics as sensitive as this should be with open communication, not shrewd mystery.
Not everyone is like me. I got lucky. Even with my addiction to porn God still made me the helpless romantic. I was the kid singing Jamie Foxe’s Unpredictable feat. Ludacris and hoping I would be getting “unpredictable” with my wife one day when it dropped in 2004. I was twelve. I didn’t treat sex like it was a game. I knew enough that even if you didn’t wait to marriage it should still be with someone in a committed relationship. No, I’m not condoning sex outside of marriage, but I knew enough to wait out until I “felt” I had the right one. And again, I was blessed because the only woman I have ever been with is my wife, but we didn’t wait, and because we were on and off while we were dating we did suffer for it.
I speak from experience and my story isn’t even that bad. I was out with my childhood best friend last night and he told me that his phone is so messed up because of all the porn he watches on it. He’s got a baby of his own and is in a committed relationship with his baby’s momma with plans to get married…but he still feels he needs to look at it…or did. He told me that he’s gotten disgusted by it now. Not that he’s saying it’s wrong, but because he’s just been desensitized by it. It’s not doing what it used to for him anymore. Take a moment and soak that last sentence up for a second. I had a coworker, she was an elderly lady, who said she had a girlfriend she had known for a majority of her life. And her girlfriend’s husband had his own office dedicated to his own time with his porn collection that he had in there…And her girlfriend was okay with it…
I don’t have the time to really go into it all this time, but next time hopefully I will. But if I can say anything I want it to be this. We are sexual beings. That’s just it. That’s how God created us. How do I know? Look at like this, it’s what really helped me realize there wasn’t something wrong with me and it’s what helped me start getting out of my addiction. One of the first few commandments God ever gave to Adam and Eve besides not eating off the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was this: Be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 1:28a). God knew exactly how he had designed us to do that, and that was before Sin entered the world. If that’s still not enough, because a lot of the time there are some sects of the church who will tell you sex is only for making babies, then how about they didn’t start having kids until after the fall of man. That’s the real Wilderness. That’s the real connection God wanted us to have with our spouses. With that forever lover.
I want to get into it all more next time, if they allow me to come back and offend some more people, but know this, if you’re struggling, if you got questions I have some homework for you. Songs of Solomon. Read it in a translation you understand and get footnotes in a study bible, for me NLT is the translation I use the most. Songs of Solomon or Songs of Songs and go to MarriageHeat.com and look at what they’re about in their What are we section under About.
I’ll leave you with this. We can’t continue to say no, don’t do it, and then stop there. Everyone asks why, and if we don’t have the RIGHT answers each generation is going to suffer for it. Again I speak from experience, but even I got off easier than most of my friends…more on that next time.
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