Help! Making Love With My Husband
Hi all,
This is my first time writing on Marriage Heat I have been enjoying all your stories, reading all your stories does make me wonder………
I urgently need help! My Husband and I have only been married for 26 days and i must say that he does not get me horny before he we make love, of course, he is my husband, and I love him dearly however I`m not enjoying the sex as he does. He does not take his time to get me warmed up.
I would love for us to have a better sex live but i don`t know how i can tell him that i`m not enjoying it, and I don`t want to hurt his feelings.
It seems like a lot of you have been married for a long time and are enjoying your other half in every way possible I would love to be open and free with my husband.
Please Help I am desprate to enjoy sex/making love to my husband.
Thank you for the advice in advance!
Hi, Ize! First of all, congratulations on your marriage! It’s so wonderful when God brings two people together to serve Him as one!! The importance of foreplay is hard for most men to grasp, I think! When we were first married, my husband loved going straight to my “princess place” whenever we made love! Let me tell you, You’re defintely not alone in your need to get warmed up first before you can go straight to hot and heavy sex! It was becoming a quick turn off whenever he would rush foreplay and, after praying about it and asking our Savior that i would speak in the love i truly felt for him, i did talk to my husband about it. About my huge desire to have sex with him and also about the need to get warmed up first! And to tell you the truth, he was more than willing to play for a while before we “went for the gold!” Because of that experience, my advice would be to have a loving, honest, heartfelt conversation with your husband and tell him your struggles. I imagine he would, like my hubby, be grateful you told him instead of letting it turn into resentment. Hope this helps! I’ll be praying for you!!
Congratulations on your wedding! Communication is very important, and if he loves you, which I’m sure he does, he will listen to you. I’m sure he wants to please you, so maybe he wouldn’t mind, and maybe even like you telling him what you like 🙂 Tell him what you fancy, take the time to learn about each other in this way, don’t be shy and I think it will get better from there 🙂 May God be with you
Great comments CMLove – for the record…I love foreplay! LH 🙂
Thanks, LH! Hahaha, my hubby loves it now, too!! Incredible sex is worth the buildup! God is so good….giving two people such a precious and special gift to share with just each other. May He continue to ignite your special gift!!
I recommend you & your husband hit Mark Gungor’s “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage” – you can find the whole thing on YouTube posted by “wrksnfx” – links are below for the seminar as well as a preface.
Preface: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pkRvZkBZk4 – Singleness, Dating and Marriage – 40 Minutes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=814eR5K7KD8 – A Tale of Two Brains – 2 Hours
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq84Xg-Kv-k – Why does he do that? – 45 Minutes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9BJ7I33dqs – The #1 Key to Incredible Sex – 1 Hour 15 Minutes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33NBtCGgzUc – How to stay married & not kill anybody – 35 Minutes
One thing that really helps me is when my wife asks me to do things, so I recommend you ask him to do specific things – like “Please: suck my nipples.” or “Can you massage my scalp?”. And give him excessive verbal feedback – moaning/sighing etc. So he knows he is doing something good. While he is doing that, play with his nipples, or massage his nuts & finger his butt hole – whatever he likes, so he does not feel ignored.
Avoid telling him that anything he is doing is not pleasurable – I find it quite discouraging if done during sex. Instead if he starts doing something you do not like give him a second to give it a try, then ask him to do something you like that is similar to what he is doing. For example, my wife hates being licked, so if I lick her nipples, I will be much happier if she starts making out with me instead of simply reminding me that she does not like being licked. That way, I still get to use my mouth & if i really wanted her nipples, i can use my hands.
Hope that is helpful!
Good point, Loved by my Wife!! Thanks for that reminder!! I sometimes forget the need to “redirect” instead of “push away”!
Congrats on the new marriage, I have now been married for 6 soon to be 7 years. Starting out we had a lot of stuff to work through so don’t feel like you are alone. For me I can get warmed up my sucking on my husband or making out with him. I am sure that he will not stop you from giving him a little head before you all have sex. I am not sure if you enjoy giving head or not but for me it always gets me horny and ready for what ever he may throw at me 🙂 Also sit down with your man and tell him how you feel, it is always good to be open.
Take care 🙂
Wow , Thank you all for your lovely support it really appreciate it.
I will have have a talk with my husband tonight, i am sure he will understand he is such a loving person.
And maybe we can start things of right tonight ……
Thank you all once again and God Bless you
Ize, open and honest sexual communication is key and it is so important to start a marriage off with it. You can start by just growing comfortable with one another on the topic. Congrats on your marriage and I wish you the best!
Accidently hit submot..LOL. As I was saying, it’s great that you are being proactive (especially so early. I wish I had known about this site 26 days into my marriage!) I would encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. Enjoy where you are right now as you also pursue greater levels of intimacy and sexual fun. Learning about sex is a journey not an event. It is thenchilada process of going through the years together that will bring the richness to your marriage. It is also like learning a new instrument. If you were trying to learn to play the violin, and 26 days into it you weren’t able to play a classical masterpiece, that would be okay because it is early in your journey. Same with learning the music of marriage and sex in marriage. My wife and I had several little breakthroughs over the years, aND slowly our sex life started taking shape. Then we came across MH and shortly after we had a major breakthrougb. But we didn’t find this site until just before our 11th anniversary. This is why I wish we had this site 26 days into our marriage! We could have been further along earlier. But we just focus on the fact that we did find it and the Freedom we now enjoy. The point is, keep learning, keep reading, keep looking at this site and share a few stories of your own, but also give it time and don’t forget to enjoy where you are right now too. The honeymoon phase of marriage goes by so fast. Enjoy it. And don’t miss it because you are working so hard to improve. Keep improving, but enjoy where you are now as well.
Congrats on getting married. A book my wife and I refer to sometime is intended for pleasure. I forget the author , but it’s a Christian book.
Remember when you talk to him about it he might be offended at first but that’s just because pleasing you sexually is literally his ultimate goal. To find out he’s doing it wrong will hurt his pride a bit.
But you’ve got to bring it up. In the end he will live that you’re taking an interest. If you don’t bring it up eventually you’ll not even desire sex and that will affect him more than you can imagine. You’re doing both of you a favor now by bringing it up.
Great comment 1Flesh! So true about letting your spouse know as soon as possible if something is wrong. Also, we read Intended For Pleasure too!! Wonderful book!such a blessing to our marriage! The author is Ed Wheat, if i remember correctly.
Fully agree with CMLove. Great points 1Flesh!
Ps.: I too have studied this book, ‘Intended for Pleasure’ by Ed Wheat, through. It was one of the best I’ve worked through in my personal prep for marriage. My favorite, actually. I intend to work it through with my husband-to-be once we’re engaged, in our shared preparation for holy matrimony 🙂
I’m glad that you liked the book. However, in the appendices he stated that he thinks that the “norm” for married sex is face-to-face PIV (missionary) and that all the other things that we do to have fun together (toys, fingers, mouths, etc.) are just transitional to PIV.
Blech!
“Intended for Pleasure” gives permission and then it takes it away. This is a very, very old book and it’s time it was retired.
Rosenau’s, “A Celebration of Sex” is a far, far better replacement. and highly recommended.
Good points Baldy. I’m grateful for the unique ground that “Intended for Pleasure” covered. We found it helpful at the beginning of our marriage 30 years ago. I agree that Rosenau’s book has incorporated more information and is without question better. God bless you – LH
“This is a very, very old book and it’s time it was retired.”
While I agree completely with your contention Baldy. I would be very hesitant to use that line of argument. I bet Adam and Eve made love much the same way we do. Also, Intended for Pleasure is only ~35 years old.
Dear Baldy, thank you for your reply! 🙂 Yes, I remember that statement too. In general, I hold it as follows… In whatever I study, I give 2 things supremacy in respect to what I will incorporate myself and be given direction by: the Word of God and what the Spirit is leading me personally to do or not to do. These two have always the final say for me. Although I do not see anything intrinsically wrong with what is said in the statement, that doesn’t mean that I would necessarily incorporate it… in the sense that I would then say: I’ll mostly make love with my hubby in missionary PIV because ‘Intended for Pleasure’ says missionary PIV is the norm. 😉 Of course, I will be enjoying more in addition to the sexy missionary position. The recent MH posts and comments about the obvious awesomeness of doggy style have me very much intrigued and I for sure intend to have doggy fun with my future hubby. 😀 In reliance upon God throughout every stage of my personal study, I have already decided to give just about everything, that is in accord with God’s Word, a try (that is, giving head, being eaten out, doggy, missionary, 69, blindfolded/partially restrained, … just to name a few). The principle I’ll follow is to have continuous, open and honest communication with my hubby (before marriage and throughout every season of our marriage) so that we will know what the other likes/loves/dislikes/may warm up to or not… So, all in all, for me personally, 3 criteria count: 1) being in accord with the frame given by the Word of God, 2) following the Spirit’s personal leading for me and my marriage relationship, and 3) whatever me and my hubby will find to be pleasing and satisfying to the both of us, will be what we will do and nurture and build upon together (e.g.: let’s say me and my hubby try for the first time (or a few times) oral on me and let’s say although I may have enjoyed it, he doesn’t like eating me out (may be possible), then that’s not something that I will cling to. Let’s say me and my hubby try a little kink (like restraining me partially or so, him dominating me) and let’s say we both find that to be something we enjoy, then that is something that is ok for us to do in our marriage relationship, even though it may not be “the norm”). I’m sure you get the point. 🙂
Thank you for the Rosenau suggestion! I’ve come across that author a few times but haven’t studied from him anything so far. May do so soon though! I gladly appreciate any good book suggestions on the subject of marital sex and intimacy that I can work through myself and with my future hubby in prep towards my marriage – The only plea I always have is that they are in accord with the Word of God, suitable for a Christian like me. (Like Rosenau’s is 🙂 ) So, if anyone knows other good Christian reads to get prepared for marriage well, feel free to share them here with me. God bless you all!!
Great criteria Passionate! I don’t think you’ll go wrong with holding to them!
BTW, I’ve known people that during their premarital counseling – interacted with books. Near the end of their counseling, they interacted with books like “A Celebration of Sex.” They tried their best to list some of the things they think they would like sexually and things they wouldn’t like. Of course, so much goes into what a person’s background is and what they have been exposed to and experienced. Anyway, even with virgins – there has been a sense of wondering of these things over time. I say this to you for this: In the midst of your future premarital counseling, at an appropriate time, try to learn how open he is to various sexual practices. You would not want to be surprised by a man who says he only wants to have sex solely for procreation (very rare, I know). Yet, you might want to know beforehand if he thinks it is wrong to eat you out. If that was his starting point – then you might face some surprises that would be very disappointing. Again, I trust this can become known in appropriate ways in the midst of preparation for marriage. This is why I think it is a great thing to interact with books like Rosenau’s in regards to being able to openly ask each other what they think about this or that.
I am not concerned about any of this for you – because I am confident in God’s guiding and leading you – as well as the benefit you’ll get in premarital biblical counseling. God bless you young lady! LH
Dearest LH, thank you for weighing in! 🙂 This is exactly my heart’s desire… to build a good, solid foundation with my future beloved before marriage – a foundation that will be defined by open, fearless and honest communication patterns between the both of us. I do want to know everything that is in his beautiful mind – what he likes, what he doesn’t, what his limits are, what he wants to try, what he believes to be right or wrong… and I’m sure he will want to know all of my inner life too. In the examples I shared above, admittedly so, the confidence I’ve gained through MH shows quite some… I am, as far as I’m concerned, at least willing to be open to almost anything in the marriage relationship – for, as long as it adheres to my personal criteria, the marriage bed is a place of freedom God provided for husband and wife. But it is clear to me that if my beloved believes oral or any other thing to be wrong, then I believe I can live without it. If we should be worlds apart though in crucial matters (which I believe would reveal itself quickly/before any engagement would occur anyway), then we may not be made for one another, and that would be it.
I’m certain there will be things that my beloved won’t like or won’t feel good about and I sure wanna know about them and give heed to them, just as I have some… For me, for example, I can exclude stripping (sexual dancing)/pole dancing and such – that is something I’m not even willing to try. No amount of sweet-talking could get me there. I can’t even dance normal, so I’ll do us both a favor and gladly leave it untouched. 😉
I had to google premarital counseling… I didn’t know about that before. I thought I had to do all that with my future beloved single-handedly. Premarital biblical counseling sounds to be really helpful and wise. Thank you LH! God bless you, my friend! 🙂
AND: Much hearty love and God’s richest blessings to the newly weds!!! May you thrive in every area of your relationship and being as you get to share, nurture, build, cultivate and thoroughly enjoy this journey of a lifetime together! God’s got you! And you got this! 🙂 God bless you!!
Just to riff off of the good feedback from HornyHubby, (a) encourage your Husband to read this site – it might offer him some godly mentorship as he reads the posts… and (b) never compare your beginning with someone else’s ending.
Learning to have Wonderful sex takes time, lots of time. I can honestly say after 22 years we’re still finding new ways to pleasure each other and it’s a beautiful journey. Don’t worry if it doesn’t seem to be working 100% yet, if that were true then what would you have to look forward to in the next 50 odd years of marriage you have ahead?