A “Single” Memory
When I was in my 20s, I went through a difficult period with my sexuality. So I thought I’d tell the story in case it is beneficial to any of the single folk who frequent this site.
I was single and twenty-five, and I was working in Atlanta, Georgia. I was dating a sweet and kind Christian boy that I had met on some online dating service. His name was Charlie. He was cute. He loved God. He had a lot of passion for God’s people. We had a lot of fun hanging out in the city together. We both enjoyed eating at the Flying Biscuit. We even had fun making out when his roommates were out of town on the weekends.
But there was one little problem with Charlie.
I wasn’t in love with him.
But I had this other friend. His name was Rob. And I had known Rob since middle school. We had kept in touch through college. We had been each other’s dates when our high school friends got married. But Rob and I were just friends. He had a girlfriend. They’d been together for awhile. But Rob and I always kept in touch. I’d keep him posted on how things were going with Charlie. He’d keep me posted on how things were going with Jennifer.
But there was one problem with Rob.
I was starting to fall in love with him.
And so I came to this time in my life where I was feeling quite stuck. I had a boyfriend I didn’t love, and I had a friend who I did love. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
And so I had a problem in my social life.
But I also had a problem in my private life.
I was a girl who had always been rather horny. I had masturbated since I was a young teenager. But I always did my best to be respectful of others when I approached masturbation. I had a rule for myself that I was only allowed to masturbate to thoughts of imaginary people or to a person who would expect that I would be masturbating to thoughts of them and who I knew would be okay with that (which pretty much narrowed it down to people I was dating…in this case, Charlie).
But there came a point when I was 25 and dating Charlie that I could no longer achieve orgasm when thinking about him. It just quit working. And I knew that the relationship was going to have to end. Instead of Charlie, I was suddenly having thoughts of Rob running through my mind. Oh…I wanted him to touch me so badly!
But Rob, you’ll remember, had a girlfriend.
And my sense of morality just wouldn’t let me find peace with having thoughts of another girl’s boyfriend.
I was frustrated and horny.
And I soon found myself trying to escape from my frustrations by looking at porn and reading some vile erotica. But it made me feel dirty inside. And I knew this wasn’t the answer either.
In my frustration, I threw myself on my bed one night and cried out to God. I was such a mess. I was horny and in such a moral dilemma. I just didn’t know what to do.
I remember yelling at God (haha, I have a tendency of doing that sometimes), and telling him he made me this way! He made me horny! He made me like this, and he needed to do something about it! It was his problem, not mine! He needed to fix it! Fix me!
And he did.
I can’t remember if it was that night or a night soon after. But I was lying in bed touching myself, and I started to pray. I prayed a calm prayer this time. I said, God, I have to touch myself. You know I have to do this. You made me like this. You need to show me how to do this the right way. You need to teach me how to navigate this so that I am not thinking of people I have no business thinking about.
And then my prayer changed a little bit. I started thanking him. Because I’ve always learned that, that’s one of the best ways to pray.
I thanked him for the way he had created my body. I thanked him that it felt so good to touch myself the way I was touching myself at that moment. I thanked him that I could talk to him about anything that I needed to speak about with Him. I thanked him that even when I did not have the answers, which he did have the answers. And oh, did I say how much I thanked him for making my body so amazing. For making my body be able to experience such pleasure?
And as I kept thanking him, and praising him for the beauty of his creation, I had my little worship service right there in my bed. And as I worshiped, I felt something amazing happen. My body was getting more and more sensitive. I could feel myself swelling and getting wetter and wetter. And suddenly, just when I couldn’t take it anymore, I felt an orgasm start to rip through my body. I shook. I grabbed a pillow and stuffed the corner in my mouth so my apartment neighbors wouldn’t hear me scream.
And so it was that that night I had an orgasm while I was praying. It was perhaps one of the strangest things that had ever happened to me. But in that night I knew that God heard my prayer and that he loved my sexuality as much as I did. And that he wasn’t going to leave me suffering through my hormones all by myself.
And that was an exquisite feeling. A comforting feeling. It made me care a whole lot less about being single; that’s for sure.
I can’t say that prayer orgasms ever became a habit of mine. I had a few more during that little period of my life, but not long after that I started dating the man I would eventually marry (which, in case you were wondering, was my dear friend, Rob Walls). After that, I had a living, breathing man to capture my imagination.
But, even now, every once in a blue moon, I find myself praying in bed…and my hand starts to wander…
Haha. It sounds strange doesn’t it? I realize that. And it’s not something I’ve ever really shared with anyone else before, except I think maybe I’ve mentioned something to Walls about it in passing once or twice. And maybe it isn’t something that everyone would feel comfortable with doing. But for me, it was truly one of the most memorable and beautiful sexual experiences of my young life, and I really wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Loved this Eva! The Holy Spirit moves through everyone in a different fashion. I believe it was God’s way of saying, ” You go girl! Do what you gotta do!” OK, maybe not in those words, but you know what I mean. God bless and Stay horny girlfriend!
Haha! Thanks GG! So glad you are back!
Thank you for sharing this story of your life, Eva! The to me most beautiful experiences with self-pleasuring, I’ve always had so far while connecting with God throughout what I did – by giving Him thanks (kind of like you also did) and just talking to Him – sharing with Him all of it. These are the most beautiful to me that I’ve experienced because, as I fixed my thoughts on Him, I’ve felt perfectly sheltered, perfectly secure, perfectly safe within His frame. I personally would have never qualified it as masturbating while praying, and I actually didn’t perceive it as me praying… to me, it was just simply talking to Him (which, of course, is praying, so I get it 😉 ). I’m grateful that we are able to find ourselves in the shelter of His Presence in everything we do, including this. 🙂
Eva, I would have a question… I don’t know if you’ll be able to answer it… It is, I guess, a rather classic question but personally I’m searching for an answer to this…
How did you know that you were not in love with Charlie? How did you know that you were in love with Rob?
I’m asking because I’ve just recently begun to be in conversations with guys, with the ultimate goal being to find the one to marry… I have no experience about how you can know that you are in love or that a guy may be the one… the only thing I’ve had in my life was a kiddy crush when I was I believe about 9 or 10 years old… I had nothing in mind with him (I wasn’t awakened in any way yet) – I just somehow liked this boy named Jeremy, who was in my class that year… he left for the US at the end of the year because his family relocated. Some moments in our lives are just imprinted in our memories… I can still see that moment before my eyes on that last day of school, as I waited for him to come out of the classroom because I had prepared a farewell gift for him – I knew he liked a particular kid’s detective story book series, which I also had some at home, and I gifted half of my collection to him – I gave him the best of the stories I had (well, what can I say, I liked him). And so we parted. I was thrilled that he gave me his new address and we planned on staying in touch… I’ll never forget that last letter I received (not too long after the relocation) from him where he basically dumped me because his parents didn’t want us to further stay in touch – I don’t know why – I didn’t do anything (I promise, I was being a good child). (This story took a little sour turn… Sorry! It’s kind of the story of my life so far – that was the first rejection from a boy I suffered – I remember how I was grateful about the rejection letter because he wrote it so nicely… I’ve always been good at finding the positive in whatever happens – lol). Anyways, right now, as I am in the process of having an ongoing conversation with a guy, I quite frankly cannot say at all whether he is the one or not… If I look within my heart and soul, I myself don’t know if I am even able to fall in love or not… it has not happened again for me towards a boy/guy (and Jeremy, I count as a crush ’cause there was really nothing to it)… So, I’m wondering: Will I be able to feel real love? Will I be able to know when I would be in love, and that it is right? So, I thought I’d ask you how you knew Rob was the one and how you knew Charlie wasn’t, hoping to learn from your experience (and from anyone else’s who wants to weigh in on this). Thank you in advance, Eva! God bless you!
Passionate,
I simply love your comments. I know I have said that before, but it is so true. You have such a beautiful way of saying things, that I find so inspirational. I honestly feel a bit of a connection with you. Afterall, it wasn’t that long ago that I was single and praying for my prince to come. I found mine and I know the Lord already has one in mind for you. Just best patient and keep the faith. He will provide! Love ya much, God bless.
Dear Alicia, you so bless my heart! Thank you for your love and for being such a sweet soul! Thank you for speaking faith into me! I love how y’all, my MH fam, help me to keep my faith stirred up and on track – and this means all the more to me, as you do it in a season where I feel like I’m slacking a bit here and there in some faith habits that filled my days effortlessly before I started my new endeavors. You are so right, dear. God is faithful – always has been, always will be. Thankful that He is far from finished with working on me yet! Right now, I’m on the training ground of kicking worry in the butt in the authority of Jesus Christ 😀 Worrisome thoughts have been just welling up and down in me these days and weeks, as it’s all so new and I am very aware of the importance and seriousness of the decisions I’ll have to make concerning matches and all, and I so don’t wanna make wrong choices, and so finally, I got my faith grip together again today and put my foot down on the battlefield of my mind and declared in Jesus’ Name that this is gonna stop right now, that I refuse to worry, for worry is not a position I, as a child of God, am to hold. And I went right on into a praise break. There is such a beautiful power in the exercising of our faith – it just like instantly refreshes, strengthens and renews. God is so good and amazing! Grateful that He never gives up on us, and loves us with His everlasting, mighty, unfailing love, and never quits working on us! 🙂
Love you much, right back, Alicia!
Ps: Rest assured, dear friend, the blessing of your words of encouragement and of your love and appreciation never grow old. I so cherish them and each one is precious to me. Thank you for your consistent, heartfelt love and support! You are making a difference in my life 🙂
PfC- it is a classic question, and I suppose everyone’s answer is different. Here’s what I can say was true for me, though. For me it was about friendship. As a child I had watched my own parents marriage crumble and the thing that always stood out to me was that they had never been friends. They had been lovers, but they had never just enjoyed being silent and comfortable together. I remember praying as a teen that I would never be blinded by romantic love but that God would put blinders on my eyes and only take them off when I had actually finally developed a friendship that was worthy of marriage. I forgot about that prayer for many years. But in my twenties those blinders fell off and I was finally able to see my relationship with Walls for what it had the potential to be. Walls and I never had a “sweep me off the floor” kind of romance. Honestly, and I know in some ways this will sound awful, but in some ways I always thought of him as a comfy old sweater. Something you feel safe and warm in, something you wear when you want to be yourself and not put on airs. Walls was that person to me. He was my safe place, my friend, my confidant. When we decided to marry, I remember talking about it together as though it were a “calling.” We felt that we had been called to take the journey of life together. It was actually a very rational and very spiritual decision for both of us. Don’t get me wrong, there was passion too, and over the years that passion has grown and exploded. But it wasn’t at its height during our dating and engagement. No, we didn’t marry for that. At least, I didn’t marry him for that. Haha! I guess you’d have to ask him why he married me. (I think it might have had to do with the fact he knew I like to give BJs….but that makes him sound awfully shallow…) I married him bc he was the person who I wanted to hang out with when life sucked. And I married him bc he was the person who could get me to talk about everything I didn’t was to talk about. I married him bc we had a history together that had withstood the test of time and distance, and it made me think our future might withstand tremendous challenges as well.
So, I don’t know if that helps or not. Obviously, my story would never be your story, but I think if I would give you a takeaway word it would be “friendship.” Make sure the friendship us strong and growing and the rest will probably follow.
Dear Eva, Thank you so very much for having taken time and spoken from the heart in sharing this with me! That is indeed very helpful to me, I believe. I especially cherish the comfy old sweater analogy you shared because, as I read it, it really hit home, and I got it. Having a practical picture reference like the comfy old sweater is priceless to me. I understand what you mean and you’ve shared many highly valuable points with me here that I believe will help me a lot to navigate the waters in this, as I keep them in mind. Thank you!! God bless!
Ps: God bless you too, Alicia! (I forgot to add that in my reply to you before, and I certainly don’t wanna leave out sending you God’s blessing)
Have a fabulous day, y’all! 🙂
What an awesome story Eva! I think it is a blessing that you were able to share with our Lord your desire. Not only that, but you came as well! That is so cool!
Thank you for sharing this ma’am. Love your posts! God bless you and yours.
TW, You make me blush! Haha! And honestly, that’s an accomplishment! 😉
I LOVED this!! For multiple reasons…I loved the way you just got real with God and didn’t try to fluff it up with religious sounding prayer. You just screamed at him (I love that too!) that he made you horny so he had to help you. LOL! And then I love the way you continued to talk to him as you jilled off. And to be honest it sounds weird on one hand to think about praying as you masturbate, but on the other hand, why not?? I mean God is there anyway whether you consciously talk to him or not. And he did create sex and orgasm so it makes sense to thank him for it. I think the weirdness comes from the fact that we are so conditioned to think of sex as “dirty” and something you do in the dark and in secret. And even as Christians I know people still struggle with that mentality. I know I do sometimes. Between movies and porn, sex is never portrayed as pure, but sinful. Most movie sex scenes are with premarital sex or extramarital sex. It’s never portrayed as a married couple. So it was refreshing to read this and to read about someone involving God in their masturbation.
I would like to ask you: Was it weird for you to talk to God while you jilled off? At least at first? Are you at a place now where you can do that whenever you feel like it? (Just curious! LOL)
Thanks for sharing my friend!
HH, I think you are right, the weirdness comes from this idea that we have that sex is dirty. I think maybe it was a little weird for me back when this story actually took place. I can’t remember specifically, though! Haha, it’s been a long time. 🙂 But I think what made it less weird was that at that time in my life I had a pretty regular ongoing conversation going with God. It wasn’t unusual for me to talk to him about anything else, so I’m going to guess that any weirdness about the sexual aspect of it kinda just got submerged in the normalcy of my prayer life.
As for now….honestly, Walls and I have a decent amount of sex, and it really isn’t often that I find myself masturbating on my own. When I do, though, I do sometimes slip into prayer…and yes, I’d say at this point it feels very natural. I think another part of it, though, is that I’ve just done a total 180 on the whole sex is dirty thing. At this point, I’m working from the assumption that all sex acts are neutral, none of them inherently good or bad. But that they take on a positive or negative value based on the situation in which they occur. And as this particular sex act is taking place in the context of my prayer life, I feel really safe and free about it. It doesn’t feel weird or dirty until I start to talk/write about it…and then it’s happening because I know the other assumptions that readers are going to be bringing to their interpretation of what I write. And so I’m trying to do damage control so I don’t come across as being a total loony bin! 🙂
Eva, you are not a loony bin. As someone, who has also actively shared it in this way with God, I too can say that sharing it in fellowship with God has not felt weird to me. Very much the contrary so… in my case, being able to talk to God through my heat has made it much more comfortable for me – and to be perfectly honest, it has actually been the very beginning of my self-pleasuring journey… It is the way, in which God allowed me to explore it in the first place. Such as Eva, talking to God like I would to a friend and confidant was natural to me, so talking to Him while touching myself didn’t feel strange to me. To me, it actually brought peace, comfort and security to my soul, as I was under His wings. On the journey of restoration I walked out with God, it was vital to me to deeply rely and lean on Him in every step I took, especially as He led me to and showed me that it was ok for me to touch myself within His frame – He went at it with me and, looking back, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way (I also couldn’t have taken this step unless I knew God would be with me throughout it all). And with me, He was, like the amazing, faithful, loving Shepherd He is, for which I am so very grateful! His Presence is the blessing of a lifetime. God bless!
I love this. You really show me that I’m not alone in this aspect of being open with God and with sexuality. Thank you !!!
An amazing story. Brilliant.
Eva, this was posted over 3 years ago and I have no idea if you are still here or not, but I would LOVE to be able to link to this story on another website with many singles who after torn up by a ton of guilt over masturbation. I have had discussions with a couple of guys who have also talked (written) about thanking God for every little (or big) good feeling from masturbating. But yours is the first actual story I have come across of how that actually works. I try to explain but I am probably too doctrinal in my approach. Many people need the story approach rather than the teaching.
Thank you. It is nice to see other single people experiencing solo sex as an act of worship. Many times in a state of arousal, the Bible texts start running through my mind. Few things are more satisfying than listening to a recording of Psalm 50 after having climaxed. I liked how Eva asked God to help keep her mind away from people she should not be fantasizing over.
I read a few years back and honestly it was such a meaningful and important thing for me to read. I'm still waiting currently, but I do find myself praying while masturbating now and again and I feel reassured of the goodness God wants for me someday with a husband. Thank you so much for sharing!