Communication Question
Hello MH community. I just recently discovered your site. My husband and I have been married for 20 years. We’ve had some ups and downs like any marriage, although ours started out a little rockier than most. I hope to write our story soon.
My question is to the husbands out there and any wives that have figured this out.
My DH is wonderful. He’s loving and patient with me and willing to try anything I suggest. That’s where the problem comes in. I have to suggest it. He is not good at communicating outside the bedroom and inside he is just happy to let me come up with all the ideas. I’ve tried asking him to tell me what he likes and he just says he likes it all as long as it makes me feel good. I’ve asked him if he has something he wants to try and he says whatever I want to do is fine with him. I’ve even told him that it’s a huge turn on for me when he “talks” to me while we’re having sex. Just some moans and groans will do. It seems though, that he gets so into making sure I feel good that he forgets he is feeling it.
Thanks to something I read on this site, I recently asked him to make a list of things he likes that we do and a list of things he would like to change/add. I told him I would do the same and we can compare them this weekend. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea but agreed. I asked him yesterday how his list was coming and he said he had a few things on his “like” list but nothing for the “add” list.
Guys, what can I do to get him to “talk”?
If he needs some help coming up with ideas, a good sex interest checklist may help him come up with a few new things. (Google to the rescue). Or a website like this one could add some spark. Here’s hoping there is great sex in your near future.
BrownEyed- You might want to check out a website called mojoupgrade.com. It’s a sex quiz for couples, and there is a racy version and a tame version of the test so you can pick whichever you think might be more your speed. We found a long time ago that taking quizzes like this one really opened up the lines of communication for us. Maybe it will work for you too? Good luck!
I am so glad I found this post. I am in a very similar situation. I long for my husband to pursue me sexually and to tell me what he wants in bed. However whenever I try to bring up sex with him, he changes the subject. I understand that respect is very important in how I communicate with him as his wife, and I do my best to follow this rule when talking about our love life. Some times it seems like I have to make him mad before he will open up to me. Normal conversation about sex does not elicit much of a response. His true feelings about things only come out if we get into a fight. So some times I want to pick a fight if only to find out what is really going on with him. My husband is a wonderful man, and I love and respect him very much. I just have a higher sex drive than he does, or at least that’s how it seems. Some times I just want him to ravish me, rather than being polite. I desire to be desired. I want to know what he wants sexually.
Here is my opinion as a husband of 21 years. First, I would say try and let go of the expectation of “getting him to talk”. As you ask him to communicate verbally I would reassure him that you love and approve of him just as he is. I would also suggest explaining to him why its is important to you relationally for him to try and communicate more but don’t add guilt to the mix. My guess is that verbal communication does not feel safe to him. Since verbal communication is not his strong suit (based on what you wrote) then you maybe trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Based on your post it sounds like he relies on you to verbalize his sexual thoughts. It sounds like he does communicate but in a strongly non-verbal way. Play to his strengths while you encourage him to work on his verbal communication. As a first step, you might make a list of 50 sexy activities and give him three boxes to check “” Yes, please” “Maybe” and “No Thank You”. As a second step you might think of “couple code phrases” that you could suggest. For example, in our relationship I am more open in sexual conversations but I use phrases like “may I have three minutes of your time?” to suggest or ask for a quickie. Finally, I would suggest calling Focus on the Family and speak to one of their counselors. They could help you find a local Christian counselor who might be helpful. Blessings to you and your family.
Thanks for the comments. He really is a wonderful man and he loves me so much it borders worshipping. I didn’t discover how to have orgasms until a couple of years ago (that’s a long story) and still it takes a lot of work to get me to one and doesn’t happen often. All that to say, I think he feels like I need to make up for lost time although I’ve reassured him that I enjoy having sex with him whether I cum or not.
Last night we went ahead and shared our lists with each other because he thought maybe if he read mine it would give him some ideas. He had several things listed for what he loves about our relationship and a couple of them surprised me. He knows that my love language is quality time and he verbalized that he is working on being present with me more.
It was a great night of sharing followed by some of the hottest sex we’ve had in awhile.
I also download Blondie’s devotional on Song of Songs for us to do together and ordered the book “101 Nights of Great Sex”. Hopefully these add a little spice :).
I’m not a sex therapist, but I did spend weekend in a holiday inn one weekend. Worked out pretty well for us so I’ll give this topic a shot. My relationship to my wife is similar to yours. During sex she wants to be taken care of in a manner where see is being dominated to some degree and without a lot of give and take being discussed.
This is where will need feedback from the ladies to see if I am off base. I think the wife should start things off making her husband watch for awhile and when she is good and revved up tell him he can continue to watch or feel free to join in. If there is any hesitation pull out something you saw on this website and suggest he jump on or sit down on a chair and watch as you have business to take care of.
I hope I haven’t damaged any psyches, but I think by holding back showing him what you would like to have done to you would tend to get him to do things that the little head might be more apt to take over
Wish you the best of luck
Some people have such a strong mindset that pleasure is complete in pleasing. I believe it stems from certain psychological sense of insecurity. The typical self-appointed pleaser gives all sexually, partly out of fear of losing the interest of the partner, the partner or the relationship as a whole.
“If I give him/her everything and give it all well, he/she will find no excuse to build a case, or have a case built against leaving me; and if I don’t ask for much, I won’t be seen a a liability to keep, draining peace of mind out of my SO, leaving him/her too exhausted to be enthusiastic about being with me.”
Such are the thoughts of one who is a pleaser more than a seeker.
Balance is always healthy in life. No extreme is healthy, especially when other people are involved.
I find TPC’s input to be very mature and practical. You should try to apply that. You really don’t need to take a stance that may end up misunderstood as discontentment. He may end up feeling like he gave, all took little, and still failed. Don’t push it. Advance with love and appreciation and approach indirectly “from the side.”
Here’s a suggestion. Find something he enjoys sexually, without asking him, then begin to be vocal about how much you enjoy doing it for him even “outside the bedroom.” Go for it often, showing him that doing it is about your pleasure even though it’s something that is for him. He’s a pleaser and unless he believes that you’re getting pleased he may not relax enough to be open about it with you.
I have more to say, but let’s go one step at a time.
my wife is diseased, so this is what we’d do.
Our situation was typical I guess, I had need for her to give suggestions, but she was reticent to come up with them. So, what she ended up liking was for me to write dirty stories for her. She said that I had a real knack at penning sex on paper. I would write these stories, planting ideas in her head of things the characters would do, but in a way, helping her think of what would come next. (No pun intended.) These stories always made her hot, and we would preform the acts in the stories. I began to ask, what did she liked most, what would she wanted the next story to be about, what would the characters would do and where. Pretty soon, she was giving great ideas, which I would put in the next tale. Well, eventually she realized that she could be the girl in the stories. It wasn’t long until we were having sex of varies type in different places, some of which were semi public. She became a tiger in bed, the tub, the car, even at her work, after hours. I have great memories. She was an incredible wife, and lover.