He seems so distant

I am new to the website but have been reading for a while.  I have been married to my wonderful husband for 14 years we have 5 children and adopted another recently.  In the past couple years we have had much stress in our married lives with aging parents and kids going off to college.  My husband seems very distant at times and while he will indicate he is very turned on and can’t wait till everyone goes to bed when all are tucked in nothing happens.  We are lucky to have relations once a month.  When I try to talk to him about the issue he just stats it has not been that long.  I love my husband very much but I have needs.  How can I get him to understand that I am feeling neglected without hurting his feelings?

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15 replies
  1. HornyHubby says:

    My first thought was stress also. As much as I love sex, when I'm stressed i'm not interested. Fatigue also plays a role. You mentioned that it is after everyone is in bed that you try to have sex. So after a full day of work, then a full evening of play, homework, baths and bedtimes, then you want to try to have sex? That makes me tired just typing that. LOL! So it could be a combination of stress and fatigue.

    You need to communicate to your husband how you are feeling. Don't just say, "We never have sex anymore." Instead say, "I miss you. I miss being with you. I would like to be with you more often. How can we make that happen?" Then tell him to feel free to share what's going on and what he thinks is preventing you from coming together. Maybe get a babysitter and go to dinner so you can discuss this freely without interruptions or without having to wait until late when everyone is in bed. Because then you will run into the same problem of being tired. And when you are tired, you are more easily hurt and angered. So you want to avoid a serious late night talk or else it could end in disaster.

    I would be curious to hear how that talk went. Please post an update on here if/when you have that talk with him.

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Stress causes us not to enjoy things. I am so sorry this is going on. To say caring for 6 children AND aging parents is hardly easy would be an understatement. When my husband and I lost our daughter, we didn't have sex for about a month and that was the longest, yes, longest time we've gone without it (usually it was no longer than 3 days) but once we made love again, we were like "Wow, we needed that!" Maybe it'll be like that for the two of you. For you, I'm sure.

    If you have time, maybe sit him down to talk about your needs. All you said on here, say it to him. Maybe remind him when you're in bed. You must pray as well. God bless

  3. Juicy says:

    There is some great ideas here and I concur with all of them. I, like my gal Gracie, had an all-of-a-sudden BOOM! very active sex drive. And like her, it was after the kids were a bit older and independent enough that I wasn't thoroughly exhausted from all the breasfeeding, carrying, diaper changing, and helping with everything that I it hit. It was difficult for me because I was almost way too overwhelmed with my horniness. And my husbands response was to retreat. Not what a gal wants. There was hurt between us because of it – I didn't feel beautiful, sexy, desirable, or deserving and every time I brought it up, it didn't result in the way that I hoped. I was very hurt that when I did talk to him about it, it didn't seem to register with him the seriousness of my emotions. I felt very rejected and that my needs were not important to my husband. But there was a breaking point, and I wish it hadn't gotten to that, but it didn't seem to sink into my husbands head until I went basically crazy! Why is that so often we woman have to loose our minds before our husbands and kids listen to us?!

    I agree with talking to him when he isn't tired, stressed, and you aren't distracted, all of which can be tricky to avoid. The approach and environment is important too – HornyHubby gave a great example how to say it and perhaps go out to a neutral place to have that discussion. There may have to be some negotiations, some compromising, some experimenting, and it may take some time, but keep it at, because it will pay off in your marriage.

    After my crazy woman episode, we came to an agreement. We scheduled sex! At minimum, we would have sex once a week. We picked a day and stuck to it – it forced us to remember to think about one another. It gave us something to look forward to and we often planned a little something extra special for that night too – a dessert, special drink, game, movie at home, whatever. We also allowed that we could have sex more than once a week, and we gave our full blessing if the other had to masturbate in the meantime. While not always the most romantic to schedule sex, although an upside was that it gave me time to think fantasies, get prepared and feel sexy for our intimacy, it reminded us that we need to make love to help our connection as a couple. Once it became routine, our sex life DRAMATICALLY improved! We soon began having sex multiple times a week, not that a couple must have the same frequency as us, that is all individual. But we found what worked for us and guess what? We were both less stressed, we got along better, we were better parents, we felt more connected, and our kids saw our relationship blossom.

    We did have to get creative with timing to have sex. My husband works crazy hours and there were times where we did it at 5am! There were times we got a new movie and bribed the kids with junk food. We also sometimes broke rules with extending video game time. Whatever worked so we could get laid!

    If that doesn't work, counseling is great, having hormones checked would be helpful, and if you don't already, maybe consider purchasing a vibrator, although it seems that what you are sharing is just as much about connection as it is about sexual release. Remember that you are on each others side, that you are a team, and while coming to an understanding about your sex life may be a challenge to work through, it can be done with patience and understanding. And Harper is right, it is a great release that you both are probably in need of and once you start, it may pick up.

    Keep us in the loop!

    • gcms - great christian marriage sex says:

      Juicy, I LOVE your thoughts on this. Scheduled sex is better than no sex. It is a good start to changing things.

      Can I also admit something from some guy's point of view? This may not be HIS point of view, but it is definitely mine. It is very irritating when kids are born and the wife does not have the sexual interest with the husband like she used to have. I understand she is busier then, but what frustrates me is that I am half the reason she has kids. We started with US.

      What is frustrating to me is to be neglected while the kids are home, then when they are finally gone, now she wants to have sex more often. It is VERY difficult to not have hard feelings about
      this after being neglected for so long.

      Again, I am ONLY presenting one guy's feelings about this. (and some other guy's that I have talked to in my life who experienced the same thing)

      I am not saying this is what the problem is for the woman who wrote this story, but if all else fails, she may have to apologize for neglecting him over the years. (if that is the case)

      Again, this is just another perspective. If it does not apply here, disregard it.

    • Harper Shelby Thornton says:

      No only is scheduled sex good, but sometimes even better so you can have time to get in the mood! That works well!

    • gcms - great christian marriage sex says:

      My wife and I have a lot of scheduled sex. At least I don't have to wonder how long it will be until the next time we can play around. So, it definitely has its place in a marriage.

      My preference will always being spontaneous, adventurous sex. But, the scheduled sex does work well !

    • Harper Shelby Thornton says:

      Both things have always worked for us, sometimes scheduled, sometimes spontaneous, either way, sex is great! Praise God!

  4. bigangryone says:

    Some research has shown that morning is a better time for men to have sex. So, if waiting until the kids are in bed and all of the chores are done sounds like waiting until you are at the more weary time of day to be intimate, it probably is. Try sleeping and getting up a little earlier and see if that works. Also, the communication aspect is key. Men, love your wives and show them the respect you want from them by addressing this topic with love and honesty. Women, well, same goes for you.

  5. Summertimeheat says:

    Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to buy some Brazil nuts and keep around for snacking as well as schedule sex on his phone calendar with a reminder to pop up during the day. I am going to do what we did when we first got married and send him seductive messages during the day until his "reminder" pops up. Then remain quite till he gets home. Hopefully he will be thinking about coming home all day 😉

  6. Loved by my Wife says:

    I have to agree with Gracie's "Have you ever tried just pushing ahead this way?" Even if he is not interested, perhaps 'Mr. Happy' can be made to be with the appropriate affection. As a husband, I just cannot imagine myself telling my tender & affectionate wife to stop sucking my cock…
    Also, most men have a shot of testosterone first thing in the morning – without any stimulation, there is a beautiful erection & whether I feel erotic or not, my body is ready to go & with the correct stimulation, I wont be able to hold out.
    I think I recommend that you not talk to him about it – especially if talking about it is stressful for him. Actions speak louder & more sincerely than words.
    I would love to hear what you try and how it works out.

    • Summertimeheat says:

      I am the one to initiate 99% of the time and unfortunately I am a morning person and he is a night owl. Combine this with a child who comes crawling into bed with us around 5am every morning makes morning fun not an option. During the first years of our marriage we could not get enough of each other and he would never turn me down. Now if I push forward to the point of taking him to the bedroom and begin heating things up even to the point of going down he will pull me back up and tell me we can't we have children still up. We have had very open conversations about our sex life and he has told me that it is not that he does not want to it is just he can't concentrate on that. He has had his testosterone checked and it is normal for his age. It may sound strange but one of the most hurtful things he can and does say to me when I try to heat things up while watching a movie or tv once everyone is in bed is "can't we just watch a movie". I understand our drives do not match and I have learned to deal with that but to put it very bluntly I have needs and once a month or less does not work for me.

    • Loved by my Wife says:

      I would have thought that you being a morning person was ideal – it is easier to get up before him. I encourage you to get a lock on your door & teach your kids to respect your bedroom as off limits to them.
      It is tragic that you are in such an unloved position. Do not give up! We are praying for you. I want to encourage you to keep initiating, keep trying to go down on him, keep trying to heat up a movie or tv show.
      I have heard some speakers (Mark Gungor) recommend drastic action: moving out & telling people it is because he will not be your lover. I have always felt that is overkill, but if the choice is that or divorce.
      It is ironic that he brings up the kids as an excuse to put you off. It is far worse that your children see their father reject their mother than that they hear their parents fucking passionately. I know it has been very hard for me to trust that my wife will not someday reject me: my mother always rejected even my father's non-sexual affections. Shortly after I moved out, she divorced him.

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