Completely Lost
I have been registered here for a while and enjoy reading the advice and stories from everyone here. I am married and have been for nearly 15 years. It hasn’t been the smoothest ride and I never thought it would be.
We are both Christians and we did have sex before marriage. I had never been with anyone before her and she had been with several men before me. We had sex before marriage and she ended up pregnant. We then vowed to each other that we would stop having sex until we married. And we kept that promise. Sex has always been pretty good. However after a while things became boring for me and like a chore for her. In the first 8 years of our marriage she had 2 affairs with two separate men. We have gone through counseling. We have worked through many many things. Every aspect of our marriage is great. We have a good marriage and don’t fight about much and always work through them and resolve the issue. However a year ago things took a turn for the worse. We have always argued about sex. Physical touch is my love language and I don’t think she quite understands it fully. In her mind she thinks that is ONLY sex. And continually says that all I want from her is sex sex sex! It’s not right and even though I tell her time and time again she still doesn’t understand me. We have massive arguments about it. I become upset and quiet after a few months of neglect. She asks me what’s wrong. I simply tell her that I would like more intimacy. Once that is heard she goes into a 20-30 minute yelling spree about how she’s not gonna have crazy monkey sex hanging from the ceiling fan and all sorts of things that I completely don’t want. By the time she’s done yelling I have nothing to say and very frustrated at what to say.
So after all these years of her misunderstanding, I told her last year at this time I would rather divorce and move on. We both pretty much made our minds up that we would. We told our kids, family members, etc. After a month or so we decided to go to counseling and see if things could be patched up. I made the decision to work hard on the marriage. I have forgiven her many times over. I have kept an open mind and wanted things to work for us and our children. But she is very reluctant and for the first several months threatened to call for mediation. And did so twice and then canceled. She is still very reluctant with me. She rarely touches me. There is zero intimacy. It’s been over eight months since we’ve had sex. If I bring up the subject, it’s immediate defense. Yelling and telling me to leave if I don’t like who she is. She has told me she is “healing” and needs time. I’ve told her that I’m ok with waiting for a while, but I wasn’t anticipating a year or more. I’m pretty lost and not sure where to go with this. It’s not healthy for either one of us, the marriage, or our family.
I have been relieving myself by masturbating. I don’t try to hide it from her. But she gets very upset if I do it before bed. Says it’s weird. Not normal for a couple to masturbate. She has asked me to do it elsewhere or sleep on the couch.
I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has been in this predicament. We have been going to church more frequently. I’ve been praying about this matter. I do not know how to uprouch her anymore with anything sexual as it is taken negatively.
Man I feel your pain. I will definitely be praying for you today. This may help or may have no relevance to your situation… I just started reading Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay… it addresses what to do when your wife doesn't want much sex. It's not a Christian book and it has very little moral framework and it's based on a theory of how men and women operate that I don't necessarily buy into. But he says shares of great insights into how we function as men and women. Again, it may not be relevant to your situation. But might be worth a try. The great thing it's about changing ourselves as men – being the guy she will want to have sex with. And it explains why this works (but not always). That's positive 'cos talking about it with her doesn't sound like it's working! I love books that give me something positive to try that don't require her to talk about stuff ('cos talking about it with my wife usually goes nowhere)… whereas if I can change something that might change how she responds to me, that gives me hope.
Of course, seeing your pastor and all the usual stuff church offers – prayer, wisdom, counsel… would be also crucial.
First things first: get the foundation right. The fact that you've talked about divorce says something about an unstable foundation that needs to be healed. For better or for worse — when a husband and wife are resolute that divorce will NEVER be an option no matter what (even if that means missing out on sex sometimes), that's a foundation on which you can build trust and intimacy. It's also a foundation from which to rebuild passion and sexual desire. IF divorce is an OPTION in the back of your mind and hers, it's always lurking there as a Plan B — and Satan will be working overtime to push either you or her or both of you into doing something to trigger that Plan B. Divorce is always a prime goal of Satan — he has his masterplan for wrecking every marriage, individually tailor-made for wrecking your marriage, and my marriage, and every other marriage. You have to be resolute that it's not an option.
Forgiveness. I don't know which one of you brought up the "divorce" issue first, but it seems you were both agreeable to it. What I think you have to do: get before the Lord and repent for your own role in that, and forgive your wife for her role in it. Then, go to your wife when you've found the right time, gently and lovingly apologise to her for your part in the agreement to divorce, and forgive her for her part in it. Make it clear that you really mean that. Then ask her to pray with you to start the marriage again, even if it's from square one. Even if you have to go for another sexless period and then take her again months later as a virgin bride!
That brings up another point. You mentioned the sex before you were married. Thank you for your honesty! It sounds like you put it right before God when she got pregnant, so I'm not trying to guilt you in any way. But this is where forgiveness and healing go together. Premarital sex leaves scars on the soul — scars which are often unconscious and the individuals might not even be aware of them. I think that's where mutual forgiveness is so powerful. I know you've both asked God for forgiveness — so there's no need to do that again! But did you ever ask each other for forgiveness? That question might shock you. It's highly likely that neither of you ever realised your need to do that — after all, you both wanted it, you both enjoyed it, you both had fun with it. But unknowingly, you left a scar on each other's inner souls. So … If you can find an intimate and tender moment with your bride, bring up that premarital sex thing. Humbly APOLOGISE to her for your part in it, and FORGIVE her for her part in it! And as you forgive each other —whether either of you feels the need for it or not — a deep healing will begin to take place. You'll be in my prayers, my brother.
I'm really sorry for what you and your wife are going through and I'll be praying for y'all. I have yet to be blessed with a marriage but I'm a women and can provide you with some advice that might be helpful. I would start by just doing nice things for your wife like extra chores or going out on a date; let her know that you're trying in your relationship and your thinking about her. Stay clear from anything too sexual at first because you don't want her to think you're just doing this to have sex. Also if you find her complaining about something or if she's had a rough day and wants to vent just listen to her don't always try to find a solution. Alot of times women just want someone to listen to their problems. If your relationship has been going okay then I would try to have sex but try pleasuring her first and make sure not to move to quickly. Let her know how much you love her and care for her. As for masturbating, it is completely normal in a relationship especially if you havent been having sex and that's something she'll have to understand. Overall, women just want to be loved and showed that somebody cares about them and that might not be through the sexual way at first or if you've hit a rough patch in your relationship. Every women is different though and has different needs. Try to figure those out or simply ask. I hope your marriage doesn't come to a divorce and your sex life will be revived but understand that God is still in control and has a good plan. See Jeremiah 29:11 and 1 corinthians 13:4-8 for inspiration . Keep on praying and look to God for strength. Wishing you the best!
I'm sorry to be the herald of doom here, but i would say there is a very high probability that she is in the middle of her third affair. All the red flags are there. Read "I do again" by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs and you'll understand what I'm talking about. I don't know if you've asked her if she is seeing someone else. If you have, the. I assume she has denied it. Remember that she has lied her way through two previous affairs. Even though you have obviously forgiven her for her past betrayals, the pattern is still there. Has the counsellor asked her? If so and she has denied it there, then she is lying in counselling and i would bet tne counsellor knows it too. Also i am willing to bet that she was not in love with the men in the first too affairs, but is in this one. She is emotionally invested, so much so that she is blinded to the truth of the wrongness of this relationship. She probably sees this new man as a gift from God! Really, untill you deal with this, all of the other issues will never be solved. She needs to come clean before you can move on to issues of your sex life. I pray that you'll get this resolved.
I sure hope this isn't the case. She has told me it will never happen again. I have no idea how she could be with someone else. We are so busy with work, and kids in sporting activities. I know where she is at all times and if she is out and about she has at least one kid with her. She would have to be doing it at work.
My goodness, I feel just terrible! I think your wife is cruel to do those things to you. As an "old fashioned" Christian woman in this particular area, I don't believe in divorce, and I believe that God can help you with anything. With God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). If your wife is a believer does she know about those lines in the Bible about not defrauding your spouse, sexually? I think many a marriage can be saved by implementing that one alone. Sex makes you closer.
I don't understand why she hates sex so much, but I have to tell you that maybe your sexual relations before marriage might've had an impact of your current situation, not saying that for sure though. I think she maybe doesn't understand that man need sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex. Did you try making her feel loved? Giving her compliments can go a long way. My husband tells me he loves me everyday, and of course I say it back. That NEVER gets old for us. Tell her what you like about her physically as well as the things she does. If you think what she's wearing is pretty, tell her that. I'll pray for you all, and God bless you
My first thought when reading your post was that you should probably hire a Private I to follow your wife. It sounds like the fruit of another affair. Then I thought I must be absurd to jump to such a dark conclusion. But when another commenter said the same thing, I think it warrants some consideration.
We have conditioned ourselves as believers to think of Divorce as the worst end to something. But the Bible is pretty clear that Divorce is a justifiable (and at times proper) end when a web of infidelity and deceit have been laid. You would want to find out about the potential affair first. And as far as the kids, I don't think faking a marriage is better than divorce. They feed off of your happiness.
Lastly, of course masturbate. I can't go 3 days without cumming in some fashion. But dude, do it privately and discretely. It almost sounds like you're trying to use it to show your wife your loneliness.
Thanks for all the responses guys! It means a lot! Hopefully things will turn around for the better. I feel that it's worth fighting for your marriage. But at the same time. How long does one go being neglected and sexually rejected??
Metalcutr, my heart goes out to you. I haven't got all the answers — in fact, I might not even have any, as I've never been in your shoes. My wife has been unswervingly faithful to me. She loves sex with me as much as she ever did. So I cannot claim to know anything about what you're talking about.
But there is one word I'd like to share. This might sound out of place coming from me, but it isn't really from me, it's scripture. In the Book of Ephesians, wives are told to "submit" to their husbands. That's the part that has usually been emphasized! But the next verse goes on to tell husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. Now, how did Christ love the Church? He went to the cross and died for it! "While we were still sinners, Christ died for us …" — While we were STILL SINNERS! Now, if you have even a superficial knowledge of Church history, you'll know that for much of the past 2000 years, much of the Church has only been a mockery and a caricature of what it is intended to be. In his foreknowledge, Jesus much have known that was going to happen! But he died for the church anyway. That's the standard he expects of us men!
As a pastor friend and mentor of mine put it, the woman is told to "submit" but the man is told to get on a cross and DIE. The reason Paul said nothing about a husband submitting is because a dead man no longer has any will of his own, so there's nothing to submit!
I feel like a hypocrite telling you all this, because I myself have a VERY long way to go to obey this command. I'm not here to preach it to you. But let's BOTH work on that together, along with all other men here!
Metalcutr,
I don't have time for a lengthly dissertation here…
Stag rightly mentioned seeing your pastor / church leadership. I'm not claiming to know your
situation. I'd have 200 questions for you if we sat down in person. But, based on your testimony
above – I would say this:
If your wife is intransigent in her resistance to be sexually active with you – she is in sin. If she
is not willing to work with you – your biblical recourse is to call her to account. If she won't listen
to you or witnesses on this – then the seriousness rises to church discipline. The good news about
this is that this process usually gets people's attention.
Of course, your goal is not to win in a church "court" – but to have your wife's willing heart with you
way before anyone else gets involved. That is why I used the word "intransigent". A person humbled
by God's Spirit will be open to correction. The correction in this case would be to be not withholding
herself from you (1st Corinthians 7:3ff).
No one has said this. I agree that divorce is not God's perfect will. You are pursuing the right things in
trying to find reconciliation in this. Yet, if she will not change – and remains steadfastly in sin (if this is
her position) – then you don't have a marriage. I'm not saying to race for a divorce. But, this is where
you need wise pastors – who are there on the ground with you where you live – giving you specific counsel.
So, I wholeheartedly encourage you to sit down with your pastor(s).
So much more to be said. I must stop here for now. God bless you in all of this. LH
Hey bud. I quickly browsed the responses and I didn't notice anything along theses lines so lets talk about endurance. No, not sexual endurance. The ability to endure suffering and specifically no sex. I had 2 affairs to betray my wife and after she found out it took more than 2 years for her to even consider making love again. Now I know that your's and my situations arent quite the same but We have now made love a total of ONE time in the last THREE plus years. After about the first year I was soooo resentful toward her and watching porn/masterbating on a daily basis to get through the rejection from my wife. Then I heard an audio series on how to endure through unjust suffering. You know how? Realize that as you are hurting with the rejection from your wife God is changing you and maturing you in him. If you aren't, then you need to figure out what he wants you to work on for yourself. With His help I've quit porn altogether, I've learned to give her love and patience even when everything in me wants to yell at her, and most importantly I've learned that I needed to step up and be a leader in the home. As I go and my emotions go, so does my family. I dont always do well with this but I have grown so much in the last year after realizing God wanted me to dig deep in myself and figure out where I needed to mature. Ask him to show you, search your own heart, and be honest with both God and yourself in what character short comings you need to fix. On a side note, I started an organization for just a situation like this. No joke, if you go to fightforfamily.org and type in your address we'll send you a book by a Christian counselor, a copy of "FireProof," and an audio series by Chip Ingram that might help heal your marriage or at least help you mature. Here's the kicker: because of some wonderful donors and generosity of the content authors, we can send you this stuff FOR FREE! No shipping charges, no nothing. Seriously, your situation is exactly what I started this for and its a way for me to give back to couples in need just like I have been supported along the way as well. Sorry if this was rambling but I'm quite tired. Anyway, fightforfamily.org = free resources that may help you figure out your marriage. If anyone else if having problems in their marriage too, please go to the website and request this stuff and we'll mail it out to you too! As you said, your marriage is worth it (especially with kids) so my advice is learn to endure and see how God wants you to mature and you'll be amazed at what can happen. It can be part of your testimony!
Dude. I'm married 30+ years Large family both virgins when we wed. We have exactly the same psychology you describe. My wife has never cheated. I did once and kept it secret years ago. This was after the last kid and we went over a year without. I flipped. Found a coworker she had sympathy. Gave it up after the guilt. For 10 yrs it's all duty. She claims it's "once or twice a week" It's 2-3 a month. She has O about 10 times in 30 yrs.
I relate to your situation except that My wife has not cheated. We have both mentioned D but have never been serious. She refuses counselling to deal with her inhibitions she is the way she is and won't change no matter how much her actions cause me pain. I have addictive tendencies with intermittent sobriety. Even at my best, duty unresponsive sex is all there is.
I've read all the posts here. I agree that your wife is 90% likely to be cheating again. So much so that my advice to you is to prepare to be served very soon and get a lawyer if you can. Insightful comment that this time she's "falling in love" with her guy. He is likely single thus can move unaccountably around her busy parent schedule.
It's never just sex. There are ALWAYS strings attached. People do know how to wall off the emotional strings and with practice get very good at it. Ex. Hookers. But even they have to retire and carry baggage.
Her witholding by biblical reference can only be for an agreed upon time. That time can be long, even unto death if it's your choice. But if it's not mutual you got a burden here that will crash pretty soon.
I plan to leave when our last kids are launched. Probably 3-5 years it's just too broken to be so often rejected repeatedly. My masculine soul is dying daily both by neglect and damage.
Please, PLEASE… take many moments and think…and pray do you love her?
well if yes….. then find a way to make it work!