What’s OK to Fantasize About as a Couple?
My wife and I have been married for 14 years. I have a very high sex drive. When we married my wife was a virgin and 23 years old. I was her first kiss and first everything.
For the first several years, sex was always extremely painful for her. So we usually would not have actual intercourse unless she was loose that day or if we were trying to get pregnant.
Even on our honeymoon, she didn’t have any days where she craved sex several times. Her desire has just never been there- I think. I’m sure the pain she suffered from intercourse didn’t help.
My wife knew so little about sex that she didn’t even know that I masturbated for the first couple of years into our marriage. She cried and couldn’t understand how I had a desire so often. She was fine with being intimate once every couple of months and I wanted it a couple of times a day. I felt bad about always bugging her. My dream has always been for her to not look at sex as a wife duty to her husband (which she has verbally expressed a few times) but to actually have her own sexuality and desires.
She’s read several stories on this site and for awhile I tried to give her alone time to self-discover. I’d take the kids out for a few hours, even bought her a toy, put rose petals all over the bed, etc. She really is the sweetest and most wonderful woman in the world and I’m so thankful God blessed me by bringing us together.
During these times I would, of course, encourage her to fantasize and discover what arouses her. She went through the process but ultimately I think it was still more for the fact that I wanted her to not because of her own desire. I was hoping it would lead to sparking her long term desire but that hasn’t happened.
A couple of years ago, I told my wife about my desires and passions. Fantasies that turned me on with the hope that something would trigger an arousal in her and she’d discover what she liked. She was I’m sure shocked a bit but took it in stride. She’s read several books that are for sale on this site and she gets ideas from them. She really does have a fun and adventurous side but it’s not a desire that stays with her when we have a fun time together. When I encourage her to fantasize she always asks the right question that is most important; will God be pleased or unpleased by my thoughts if I fantasize about something specific? Everyone has their own convictions God puts on their hearts.
Now for me, and I’m assuming many men, I’ve got fantasies that in real life if acted out would be sinful. I’ve trained my fantasies to never think about specific people just scenarios. My convictions told me early on that thinking about specific people was not ok for me.
I’ve also trained my thoughts to always include my wife no matter the scenario. It’s always something romantic that she is aroused by in my fantasy. I’m sure many men can envision what those scenarios are.
I’ve been encouraging my wife to fantasize and find what works for her. One of my questions, for both husbands and wives, is for the women who had a low sexual drive and then discovered it, what was the process? Was it learning to use your brain to trigger arousal to get you in the mood? If so what helped you get past certain boundaries in your mind and overcome the feelings of shame and guilt if there were any? What are some things you learned to fantasize about that increased your desire?
For men who’ve been encouraging their wives to discover their sexuality and their wives have found it, what worked for her and what mistakes were made along the way that you would avoid doing again?
For example, my wife and I watched a couple of adult movies. Yep, I was trying anything to spark her after 10 years. That was actually too fake. I’m more into real romance even in my fantasies. So we tried looking at romantic love making images. My wife didn’t mind that. We even had some nice love making a couple of times but nothing that sparked a long term sexual desire in her.
After a couple of times, she asked, “Aren’t I enough for you?” I told her that I didn’t think I was enough for her. The fact is if I never got a hard on when we were together (and that wasn’t because of a medical issue) that would probably bug her. And she agreed. I asked her how she thinks I feel when to have sex I have to lube her up with a ton of liquid stuff just to make it possible. I explained that I can use my brain to trigger an arousal within 30 seconds. I encouraged her practice this and learn to get so aroused by her thoughts that her vagina became wet and she began to have those sexual cravings. Have any women out there learned to do this? If so, are there any tricks or tips that you can pass on to help my wife?
I explained to her that there’s a reason why there are so many articles on sparking monogamous relationships. Obviously, after awhile the same routine can get boring and it’s fun to stir up scenarios in the brain that people would never even consider doing in real life. At least for me.
One of the things I’m curious about and would like to hear from people who’ve experienced this is, are there couples who role play hot sexy scenarios that you’d never actually act out in real life? For the guys, do you share your ultimate fantasies with your wife? How has that turned out? Have you been able to learn to have fun with those thoughts? Romantically and playfully?
For those that have been able to do that, did it take time for your wife not to feel guilty or ashamed? Or through that process did you discover things that she liked and enjoyed and didn’t feel ashamed of? If so, can you explain what some of those things she likes are? I’m asking because I really pray and care about my wife’s sexuality and our intimate relationship. I’d really like her to discover her desire. I realize God is in control and ultimately it comes down to prayer and His will is His will.
This may be an avenue He is using to help my wife and that’s possibly why I’m feeling led to post this.
I was talking with my wife the other day and realized I started having desires and fantasies in the 7th grade- yikes! So by the time we married I knew all kinds of things I liked, of course, some of those ideas came from bad sources.
My wife didn’t even know men had a need as often as they do. She wasn’t a sexual person at all when we married. I’m sure her parents did exactly what I’d do if I had a daughter. “Sex is bad. Stay away from boys. All they want is that.” And focus on stating pure, which of course is great and pleasing to the Lord. However, there was never any reading or studying of sexuality, sensuality, fantasizing and becoming sexually aroused. It seems to me that the statement “that’s all boys think about” since it’s coming from a negative standpoint instantly puts in women’s minds that thinking about sex is bad. So they avoid fantasizing.
I’m not sure if that and the pain early on during sex for my wife, my being so young and dumb, not being patient and slowly guiding my wife when we were first married, have all added up and put a mental block between her brain and her clitoris.
So for the women who’ve maybe come from the same place or have gone through something similar, please take a second to share any thoughts, ideas, experiences or discoveries with my wife that helped you find your sexual desire and may help her.
Thankfully, my husband and I never associated sex with shame as we grew up, it just wasn't like that. We were taught that sex is not bad, but BEAUTIFUL, and that we can hang around boys & girls, as long as there were boundaries. If you're not ok with fantasizing about certain things, then that's you, i think people are different with that. But also, don't be too uptight. Enjoy, have fun! The Song of Solomon is the perfect place to start 🙂 God bless you two
Echoing what Marie said. I was a virgin on my 33rd birthday, and I think that my lack of experience and lack of confidence was frustrating for my wife at first. (My first marriage was her second.) We got some professional help, and things became much better in bed (and elsewhere!). So don't be afraid or ashamed to get the help you need.
I have some understanding of your predicament and a couple of things may help.
1. The technique you are using to stimulate your wife is one that generally speaking would work on the male brain. The female brain often responds to a different kind of stimulus.
2. When we masturbate to thoughts or images we "rewire" our brains to respond to those thoughts or images. ( this is why erectile dysfunction is becoming a younger man's issue as porn destroys the normal desire for a real woman). Therefore as you have masturbated for a long time to stuff other than just your wife you need more than her to get the rush every time. Getting her to join you where you are could open a door to a very dark and risque place because we always crave greater and more stimulus.
3. Try a sex reset…. think of and look at only her and just her for 6 months. You will gain a new appreciation for her. You will also find how addicted you are to non monogamous thoughts.
4. Perhaps a good Christian sex therapist is in order.
It sounds like your wife is a real treasure. When we marry a person we marry their history and psyche also. Being grateful for what we do have is important.
5. Put as much effort into helping and communication around the home and see what happens.
6. In my experience with fantasy. When I think illicit thoughts while masturbating they become "normal" and I can become less satisfied with reality
Pray have patience work wirh what you have. Many would love to have what you do.
I was very much like your wife to an extent. I wanted to be more sexually but was afraid it wasn't "acceptable". Not long ago I was doing some reading online and discovered that as long as what we want to do in the marriage bed wasn't going against the bible, it was ok. As long as we were both comfortable with it, it was ok. But I think what really opened my eyes was realizing that sex for my husband was my way of showing him how much I loved him, appreciated him, how he was a hero in my eyes. All the talk and verbal affirmation wasn't enough for him, he needed to be needed. I had driven a wedge in our relationship for years by only having sex to appease him. I thought I was being the "good wife" by doing so, to keep him from wandering. What I didn't realize is that I needed it too. It draws us closer together. Things that really used to irritate me about him are now gone. I want to be intimate with him now, often. Our sex life of once or twice a week is now 6-7 time a week. I thank God that I realized this. Now it's my goal to make the next 30 years twice as good to make up for the misery I caused my husband the first 30.
Wow D, I must say that I admire your brave confession in this post, that's great and I couldn't agree more with your comments, you'll be a blessing not just to your husband but to yourself and your marriage ! Enjoy catching up with all the hot, erotic sex, have fun and God bless you both !
Yes indeed….what D said!
So long as the fantasy is not something that is sin….and OK between the couple…it's OK.
I can tell you, my wife had one, and at first I thought it was way out of bounds. She had this fantasy, and told me about it, of having sex, at the same time as getting oral. I was shocked at first, but then she told me, no no no silly…I mean it's you doing both at the same time!
Oh…who would have thought that…..and who can bend their body to be able to do that anyway!
So…in trying to go after her fantasies, I did oral and used a dildo on her at the same time. Close as physically possible, and I must say, very successful! We still do it often!
🙂
Two suggestions. First, try writing romantic stories that involve you and your wife. Write progressively more sexually adventurous details, and rely on some of the things she's told you that she enjoys. Be creative, but don't go so far as it might make her more nervous.
Second. I know a Christian sex therapist, but I'm not sure MH wants me to name her, but I will and see if it gets cut out. Her name is Jennifer Finlayson-fife. She is especially good on women's issues. I was corresponding with her when I found MH, and she assured me that this site would be a good place to be, because of the values.
We all pretty much have fantasies (sexual or not) and by God's grace it doesn't have to be "lust." I fantasize about visiting Paris, but that desire doesn't control me. I fantasize about eating a whole lemon cake, but I'm not actually going to act on it.
I am in a similar situation, low drive wife and I'm high drive. I'm convinced that for my wife it is biological, not about conservative teaching or feeling like sex is dirty. She simply hardly ever gets aroused, which makes it difficult for her to initiate sex or be interested in starting. She orgasms every time and that feels good. But the "good feelings" don't come until we are 3/4 thru our time of sex.
I have also tried to help trigger arousal for her — looking at erotica together, share fantasies, I even bought her the "50 Shades" trilogy. Some things work a tiny bit, but often not at all.
My only advice is to have no secrets between you 2. That DOESN'T mean you must share every fantasy, b/c she might not want to know. But always be willing to share everything, even if it's risqué. I have had sexual dreams that involved inappropriate things I would never act on. I'm always willing to share these things with my wife, but I sometimes ask "Do you REALLY want to know?" And sometimes she doesn't, and I respect those wishes.
I would encourag a yoni massage. If the term yoni is anything that registers. Try looking up the term on the net. Tantra has worked for me and my spouse. Good Luck, God Bless
Check out Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow. It changed my sexuality for the better, gave me the Biblical freedom I needed to enjoy my husband.
Me thinks our fantasy thoughts should be appropriate. If we should not act it out in real life, then we should refrain from acting it out in our mind. Now, I may have thoughts of having sex with my wife in a public area, but appropriateness tells me that we should refrain so we are not an embarrassment to our Lord and ourselves. Though the thought of such a tryst is within the bounds of our covenant relationship as our thoughts are covenant centered. I agree with the experience of role-play and fantasy, but I think it is inappropriate to fantasize about my sister-in-law while having sex with my wife. For the record: My wife is way hotter and definitely my type whereas my dear sis-in-law is not, so no chance of me going there! I am all for fantasies that both spouses are having fun with. I am even into engaging in a fantasy just because my wife wants to and it may not be my thing. Because, you see, I thoroughly enjoy just seeing my wife enjoying life, whether it be: laying on the beach, eating her favorite foods, sipping a great wine or totally into passionate marital sex. As very young married kids, my wife introduced me to nipple play. I tried it with much reservations as I thought that was only for women and surely men did not do that. She also introduced me to K-Y and anal play. I thought she was over-the-top with these things, but I went along with it since it was what she was wanting to do and it did not violate our marital covenant. I loved the idea that she was getting off getting me off. (She had learned in nursing school that "It's All Connected".) Let me tell you! I am thrilled that she introduced those to me. We have enjoyed and continue to enjoy the fruits of her introductory labors. She being a nurse, we played the nurse/needy patient role one time on my B-day. Other times, I have fantasized about toy play and we have incorporated it. So, I think for the thoughts to remain pure, as we are called to, we must keep it covenant focused (she-me-we). Singularly and dually enjoyable! Let us focus our thoughts on the one God has given to us. The perversion is not in the sexually explicit life we enjoy with our mates. God made sexuality to be enjoyed in the marital covenant. The perversion is when we fail to sequester our thoughts and journey in our minds to the far country. Maybe a couple of examples: We men may fantasize about anal intercourse with our wives, but the reality is that our wives with small delicate parts probably are not going to take the journey down that passionate path, though some women have found it to be quite enjoyable, especially when they dictate the timing and pace. Our anal fantasy is not wrong since it complies with our covenant agreement of monogamy, it is just not very likely for most. Now if our fantasy is one of mistreating our wives/husbands and we somehow associate sexual pleasure with that, then we are in desperate need of a Godly refocus in our covenant sexuality. Our fantasies should never be one where the union of the two (two becoming one) is somehow jeopardized or selfishly minimized by a spouse. My wife and I enjoy a good booty smack in the throws of passion, but never anything that is hurtful. We must guard our wandering minds and stay close to Philippians 4:8. And YES this passage applies to our sexual lives. God made us sexual beings with varying appetites and tastes. Our response to His wonderful gift is our responsibility to keep our sex lives (that are not dirty or nasty just because sex is an activity of intimacy) pure according to our covenant relationships. Just some thoughts…..
I found this discussion enlightening and enjoyed the varying viewpoints. I would encourage you in two areas:
1) Age – I found that my physical arousal to touch, and by that I mean my wetness level and engorgement of vaginal tissues, increased in my mid- to late-40's. I have read that the 40's is when most women hit their sexual peak. Yay for maturity! Be patient. Not much longer now. (Try neck kissing while she's doing the dishes, slow french kissing in bed, stroking her arm while you watch a movie on the couch…. And make it clear you aren't after sex, that you just love to touch her!)
2) Hormonal levels – Unlike men, who generally maintain a constant level of sex hormones, women's fluctuate with their monthly cycle. Get a feel for when in her cycle she is most aroused and work with that. For me, it is about three days after my period ends, usually.
And hormones also depend on proper nutrition. Supplementing with vitamins (D and B12, specifically for me) helped with my overall mood and that, I believe, helped me be more aroused by the overtures of my husband.
Physical activity also helps. I find myself more aroused when I've been moving my body. I think it stimulates hormones that lag when we are sedentary. We are created by God to move and work our bodies; today's lifestyles don't encourage either. Taking dance lessons on Youtube and joining a Zumba class helped me. Maybe encourage some "self-care" time during those breaks you give her. Emphasise that your concern is for her own sense of well-being, not your visual or sexual satisfaction. You, of course, are perfectly satisfied with everything about her!
You might find that her self-care turns in the direction of relaxation, though. If she has a high-pressure life (demanding job or lots of kids, even just feeling unfulfilled as a person), that can also interfere with sexual stimulation for women. For guys, sometimes sex is the release they need. And for some women, too. But if sex is just one more chore, one more demand on her in her mind, then showing your concern for her relaxation and peace of mind can go a long way toward recharging her sexual battery.
Hope my two cents worth helps someone. This is just my experience, not gospel. I promise, I *don't* know it all. ? God bless.