Advice Needed: Mature Sex
I am wondering if there are seniors here who can help me with an issue I am experiencing. My wife and I are in our early 60s and retired. We should be enjoying life at this stage. Some of our activities are enjoyable and I’m pretty satisfied with most aspects of our life together. But when it comes to sex, my wife and I are miles apart.
She claims her vagina is dry, which I can understand. However, I have no issue with the use of lube and even find using it somewhat of a turn-on in our love making.
She will not agree to trying positions other than missionary, while I want to experience as many positions as possible.
I have suggested we masturbate together, but she outright refuses to even try. She has no problem with me masturbating in front of her but will not do so in front of me claiming she has no reason to do so.
We have sex about once a week, while I would like to have sex two to three times a week.
So you see, we are far apart in our needs and desires. My wife will not discuss our sex life; she seems to think its perfectly okay. Yet I have told her many times of my preferences.
On a positive note, we never have sex when she doesn’t experience an orgasm and enjoys doing so. Yet she seems to be indifferent to experiencing other pleasures. I do not understand why she is like this and, when I ask, she puts up her defenses and claims I just don’t understand.
Is there someone who can help me deal with this matter in such a way that she might become more willing to help me. I do love my wife dearly and want us both to be happy.
Clay71,
Thanks for being so open with a problem that is hard to discuss. I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counseler in private practice in my state, and I've been a follower of Christ for 47 years, so I am in the same age range as you. Most of my clients come for marriage counseling. Your problem is not uncommon, but the problem is not primarily sex. Without talking to your wife there is no way of knowing why she is reluctant in the areas you spoke of, but I can say that the issues are more than sexual positions or masturbation. The bedroom is often a good barometer of both the emotional health of the individual and the health of the marriage. Behavior is communication, but the person themself has to interpret what it is they are saying. Many times it is not what you think it is. All this is to say that the best thing to do is to find a good marriage counselor in your area with whom both you and your wife feel safe and comfortable – that takes at least one or two sessions. He/she can help you and your wife.
Clay71 – I am 60 also and wife is 61; it just may be as simple as different sex drives – which you are born with; wife is dry too, so we use lots of lube and marital aids (Toys); she is good to go once a week too, but I need, or should I say want, it i
several times a week.
RMD is right. Communication is needed and the issues you discribe go way beyond sex, probably to deeper needs. See a marriage counselor you can trust.
Clay71
My experience with menopause has been a roller coaster, mostly downward spirals. Every woman's experience is different. Here's my very short and to the point story. I had cancer and received chemo and radiation. Early menopause was the one hardest side effects. In my mid 40's I was post menopausal. I felt no desire for sex but I did so mostly for my husband. But I had no desire and there was nothing I could do to produce desire. During this time I forgot what sex drive felt like. Having sex was a job, mentally and physically. It wasn't that I didn't want it in my mind (I considered myself too young to end our sex life) but my body just didn't respond as easily. No one could help. After 15 plus years of searching, I discovered a doctor that specialized in functional medicine (an approach that looks at functional results not just lab numbers). He convinced me that bio identical hormones (not synthetic) were safe for me. Since starting them I am a different woman. Here are just a few of the changes: energy, very healthy sex drive with no dryness, weight loss, and did I mention sex drive! I'm not giving medical advice but it was worth looking into this approach and I wouldn't go back. As I said everyone is different and this is my experience. Hope it helps. Blessings
Amen! Bio identical hormones gave me my life back! Got my groove back and then some!!
Clay71 –
I agree 100% with RMD. So often these issues regarding female shyness or unwillingness to try something has to do with a past abuse or a message they were taught about touching themselves by a parent or a church leader. It should be the most natural thing in the world to touch yourself…you've been doing it your whole life.
When I hear the phrase "I have no need to," that's like a big nuclear bomb in terms of eye opener. "No need to" typically translates to "Someone told me I shouldn't do that." In my opinion, you're almost institutionalizing marital discord from the beginning of a woman's life. In that one phrase given to them as a teenager lays your sex life until your kids grow up and leave the house. I'm exaggerating a little, but it's not that far off.
The number of women who express to me that their mom told them things like "to use the time during sex to do laundry" , "it's a small price to pay for security","your body is your obligation" or my favorite "Dr. Laura told suggested that women never say no when asked" would boggle your mind.
These mixed messages absolutely crush women and I see it…every….single…day.
Your post sounds like a woman sitting in my house, crying to my husband and I just last night. I know all problems are different, but the first question I have started asking regardless of age is "What were you told about sex, masturbation, etc?" You'd be amazed how many people's sex lives lay in the answer to that question.
As far as masturbation, her reason to do so is that you would love it, and that is enough.
I wonder how long you have been married and how things have changed over that time. I have learned compromise on these issues often works.
We are in our late 50s. My spouse has had no interest in physical contact for 15 years.
RMD has given you superb advice. It is always a bit sad when an older couple is not receiving the rich gifts that our loving God has provided for our pleasure and completeness as one in his sight!