Am I Wrong? Advice Needed

I feel that in dating and courtship that the man gets mixed messages. From my experiences, it is hard and emotionally draining. The church has only told me to pursue a woman’s heart. I have tried that, but it has either led to dissatisfaction on my part or them thinking that I am a creep. I know this sounds selfish but sometimes:

I want to be pursued by a woman.

I want a woman to make the first move.

I want to be romanced.

I want to be desired.

I want a woman to think of me.

Am I wrong to feel this way?


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2 replies
  1. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    @tolu, I hope this comment brings your post back to the attention of the community here.

    I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. You are right that messages about relationships in general and sex, in particular, are often sparse and confusing in our churches. Perhaps it is from shyness or embarrassment, or from a sincere lack of knowledge and clarity. But either way, Christian singles and couples sometimes suffer.

    It's not wrong to want to be pursued. In Song of Solomon, the woman goes out into the street asking about and calling for her love. But it is important to note that they are already in a relationship before she does so.

    You shouldn't chase women (yes, it does seem creepy) They need a chance to see the good things about you in a group situation before they can decide whether you are worth the risk of getting to know better. Maybe you could join a missions trip or volunteer with a Christian ministry locally to meet like-minded young ladies and let them get to know more facets of the real you before you ask them out? Be sure it is a cause about which you truly care; then you will have at least that much in common to start with. And the less you seem to be "showing off" but just being who you are, the more attractive those traits will be. In fact, the less you care about what others think of you and the more about what God thinks of you, the more attractive traits you will develop!

    Pursuing a woman's heart means getting to know her and being interested in her, not just attracted to her body. And it means demonstrating that you are the kind of man she is looking for: Not just physically attractive, but emotionally, spiritually and socially attractive to her, as well. And she should be doing the same toward you! Neither of you should be thinking solely of what the other can do for you. Be her friend, first. I firmly believe the old adage that you should marry your best friend. And if it doesn't work out with that one, at the worst you still have a friend!

    (Sorry for the length.)

  2. Ify says:

    Hi Tolu, from your narrative, the keyword for me is 'sometimes' you want all of the things you listed. I candidly don't see anything wrong in that as long as sometimes doesn't become 'all the time', then that would mean you are selfish. You are human and every human wants to be desired and all of the other things you mentioned. So, NO, I don't think you are wrong coming from this perspective.

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