Masturbation: Struggle with Shame
Hello everyone,
I don’t know how long I’ve been coming here to read, but I think it’s been about a year. This is my first post. I’m a single 33-year-old female who loves the Lord and is saving herself for marriage. But I feel so conflicted.
I’ve been ashamed of my sexuality my whole life. I suffered sexual abuse when I was 11. Not rape; I’m still a virgin, but it was traumatizing nonetheless. It shut me down sexually. I grew up and made it all the way to 23 thinking that I was asexual and wasn’t wired the way everyone else was. I never had any sexual desire and never wanted to be in a relationship.
That changed when I was 23. Out of nowhere, it seemed, all of these insane feelings were taking over my body. I wanted so badly to be married so I could have sex. I’ve never told anyone in my life about my desire to have sex. I’ve read Christian books on sexuality and marriage and godly courtship and such. I’ve tried to educate myself from a biblical perspective on sex, and I know it’s a gift from God to be shared only between a husband and a wife.
And I really do want to be married! I feel like I have so much to offer and obviously WAY more than just sexually. But I’d seriously be a wife who would never refuse sex. I feel like I’d want to join together with my husband that way every day!
I’ve masturbated for years but have always felt so guilty about it. SO many truly devout Christian authors have ministries that are devoted to purity, and none of them advocate for masturbation. Sometimes I feel so guilty about masturbating. Other times I don’t feel guilty. Then, since I don’t, I feel like I’ve grieved the Holy Spirit and my heart has been hardened.
I’ve prayed SO much about this for so many years. But I’ve never told anyone my struggles. I’ve never even said the word masturbation out loud. I want so badly to live a life of purity and truly love and follow Christ.
I don’t understand why God would create us as sexual beings, give us such strong desires to be united as one flesh with a spouse and then not provide a spouse for some of us, forbidding us from having any sexual outlet that isn’t sinful. I don’t want to live in sin or be consumed by it. I want to walk in freedom with the Lord Jesus and live a life that is pleasing an honoring to Him.
I may be single forever. I don’t want to be single forever, but that just might be what happens. If so, I’ll always be a virgin. But I desire to make love to my husband if God has one out there for me. I want it so badly.
Still, if there isn’t anyone, I want to be able to experience sexual pleasure without sinning. From what I’ve read on here, that’s possible, but from what I’ve read and heard many sermons on elsewhere, it isn’t possible.
Are there any other single people on here who have this struggle? Please help. Anyone who has godly wisdom to share, I’d love to listen.
I was molested too so I know what that's like, and I'm so sorry you went though that :'( As for all the other stuff, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of, God HIMSELF made us sexual beings and our sexuality, and it's PRUDES, puritans and "moralists" that made it sound bad. Yes, sex is reserved for married people, but sexuality isn't. That's why I believe God gave us the WONDERFUL tool of masturbation, because believe it or not it can help you to keep keep your sexual purity, dear. That said it's absolutely natural to think about sex.
Also, did you know that our bodies actually NEED a sexual release? This is probably more true of men, but I think it can also be true for women, we need that release every few days, and our minds need that release too. So [in my opinion] you need to stop listening to sermons where these ascetic prudes tell you it's not possible, because you are NOT sinning by simply doing what comes naturally. God didn't give us our sexuality for us to completely suppress it. There is no biblical reason for feeling guilty about it. You know how in Leviticus it lists every sexual abuse imaginable? Do you know that masturbation is no where to be found on that list? I didn't see it on there.
It's good you want to follow our Lord, but remember His death, burial and resurrection get us into Heaven, it's nothing of us, dear. Sorry I know this was a bit long, but hopefully it'll be of some help. God bless
IWTFJ, your simple, honest post is so refreshing. Although not single and young, perhaps I can encourage you with some wisdom as someone who has followed Jesus faithfully and wholeheartedly (though imperfectly) for nearly seven decades. My Anne and I have been soul mates for nearly 50 years. We were virgins when married and remain sole mates, for which we thank the Lord. Masturbation is not forbidden in the Bible. Many ministers of the Gospel and biblically, astute theologians attest to that fact. (The sin of Onan is nothing to do with masturbation.) Even before we were married my Anne and I talked and prayed about masturbation. Thankfully, we agreed that it was (and is) permissible biblically and for each other. Praise God, angst and guilt was removed from our relationship in the sight of God and man regarding the joy and freedom to masturbate for each other’s knowing pleasure and our own. After all of these years of marriage, we masturbate together and alone with joy and freedom. To be sure, you’ll need to sort this out for yourself. Perhaps these are encouraging words of wisdom from an Old Lover.
"Yes, sex is reserved for married people, but sexuality isn't."
Mrs. Thornton, I have been blessed by this site again. Today, God chose you to speak His wisdom into my heart (at least, that's what I believe.) This is an issue that Rez and I were discussing just this morning, in reference to our children. It's not a matter of whether they will have sexual thoughts and urges, but when. And they need to be prepared with Biblical truth and practical advise on how to deal with them, as well as with the sense of familiarity with speaking to us, their parents, about sexual matters in a 'no nonsense' way. Sex and sexuality are normal and have to be acknowledged to remain healthy. Thank you (and you, Old Lover) for sharing your wisdom.
I feel your pain. I am also single, though male.
I have struggled with shame about my desires and maturbation for over a decade. (I'm 28)
I have come to the point where I go to God with it.
My main adversary with maturbation is actually not the act but the pervasive thoughts that can interfere with keeping my mind pure. Like women I know popping into my head.
If you can masterbate without sinning in mind and heart, then you have nothing to punish yourself or feel guilty about.
As they have said, there is nothing in scripture condemning masturbation.
Find peace and comfort in Christ in it.
Also, I don't find your thoughts towards sex wrong whatsoever! Believe me when I say that truly godly young men would be blessed to have a wife who is a godly young lady like you! 🙂
Praying for you
I feel your pain. I have struggled with masturbation for many years. Was a porn addict, previously. But, I am now in awe of His goodness and grace. I marvel at just how good He is and how much grace He has for me. A sinner saved by grace. We will be praying for you and your situation and know that God's timing will benefit you and all you do. When you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.
There are a few posts about this floating around the archives. I think LovingHusband (or someone with a similar name) framed the issue a while back. But in case you don't find them that helpful, perhaps I can be of some assistance.
I, like you, fought against myself for many years about masturbation and sexuality. I won't pretend to know what it's like from a female perspective since I'm a dude, but I understand the feeling of constant spiritual tension. Good news is, you can be free. Here are a few key points that might help. Pray about it and try to hear what the Spirit says, not what other people told you the Spirit says.
First, the history of the Church is filled with wrong interpretations that create what I call "extrabiblical tradition." At times this has wrongly restricted sex to extremes even between husband and wife; masturbation is just the most recent manifestation of such tradition.
Second, most of the anti-masturbation camp says it's okay in a theoretical sense as long as you can do it thinking about tractors or something asexual. Their issue is with lust and fantasy, citing Matthew ch 5. Look at that passage. It uses the word epithumeo which means to covet or have strong desire (intent to take is also implied). Covet is neither good or bad. The Bible instructs us to covet good things and not covet bad things. Sex with your spouse is good and we should have a strong desire for it. Matthew 5 just says don't desire to have sex with someone who is not your spouse. This is really not that restrictive, and it does NOT forbid fantasy about your future spouse!
That's all I have room to say because apparently we can't have conversations in comments anymore, but I'll write a detailed post soon.
[Editor's Note: Great! But discussion on "advice needed" posts addressed to the OP is perfectly understandable. Somewhat longer lengths, in this context, seems fine to me. ?]
Iwanttofollowjesus,
My heart goes out to you, so much so that I was led to create a login just so I could comment here. You are not alone, and your struggles are holy and pleasing to God. You want to know the Truth, and He is the Truth. You have asked, and you will receive.
My wife and I are each in our seventh decade of life, so we have been through a lot, and we are still learning! Your topic has been one of our discussion points.
I choose not to use "the M word" because it has so many negative connotations. I prefer to use the phrase "eating apples." My wife and I usually eat lunch together, and it typically includes an apple. I pointed out to her that God created our mouths, our tastes, and He created apples for us to enjoy. He did the same with the various parts of our bodies, and He calls them all very good.
I have had struggles similar to yours during my life, but "eating apples" kept me out of trouble and gave me peace long before I met my wife. Recently, I have learned "eating apples" is a glorious gift from God, and that there is no shame in it at all. The shame comes from things that are not God, and from lies. Some of those lies are spoken in the church, or implied there. I think you are, perhaps, realizing this.
I have an anonymous, public blog where I talk about my walk with Jesus. You might find it helpful. Direct links are not allowed here, for good reason I think, but if the moderators are okay with it, I am including a reference to it: www*dot*undeserving*dot*me. The specific post you might find helpful is called "Shulamite." It does not directly address "eating apples," but does touch on many related issues.
May the Lord give you peace about these things.
Your name here says everything about your heart, but I think it should be changed to, Iamfollowingjesus. I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, and my specialty is recovery from sexual abuse, sexual trauma, and rape. Your story is sadly so common. 25% of women and just a slightly lower percentage of men have been sexually abused. Here is the good news, you can find healing and wholeness, and the things that are keeping you from finding a husband can be changed as you heal. Find a counselor who specializes in abuse who is also a follower of our Lord. The easiest way is to go to Psychology Today Listings, and put in your area code. (I hope that is ok to say here, if not, I apologize.) As for masturbation, think of this: If it is such a bad sin, why didn't God say one word about it in the Bible? There is nothing. Some people think that it is included in the sexual prohibitions. They reason that masturbation is included because it is wrong – circular reasoning. But if you can put masturbation into those prohibitions even though God did not put it there, you can put anything into them as well. French kissing could be wrong by that logic! The truth is this – masturbation is a gift from God for our sexual release until the time when we can make love with our husband or wife. I've know people as friends and others as clients who had the view that masturbation was wrong. They burned with God given passion and thought, then married in part to find a release from that passion, but they married the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. They said that, had they believed in and practiced masturbation, they would never had married that one, and they regret their misbelief. Lust is wrong, yes, but passion is not lust, need is not lust, overwhelming sexual desire is not lust – those are part of who God made us, and remember we are made in His image, so these things are right. Lusting after a person is wrong, but sexual desire that needs a blessed release is not. You can worship Jesus while using the gift he gave until the night you are married. Use it, thank him that one day you will find the one you are praying for now, and rest in Jesus arms when you are done. Let his love flow over you in the sexual release and warmth afterward. If you don't, you will fight who God made you to be for days, distracted, maybe unable to think of anything else, and then give in with guilt. That is not God's way. Enjoy the blessing of sexual release thinking of your future husband, bask in Jesus' love, and smile that you have used the gift he gave you to keep you close to him. And sister, pray now for your husband, that God will be working in both of you to be ready at the same time, that God will keep you both until the day you meet, and that both of you will be passionately in love with Jesus. You have a great heart, don't let the enemy use false guilt and shame to rob you of the joy and freedom you have in Jesus.
JAM777 There is no shame on your part if you're attracted to women you know. You're a man, that's normal, don't suppress it. It's no use. Be free, you can pleasure yourself without feeling one bit sinful, son. Lust is when you think about how you can possess a woman sexually outside of marriage, it's not just fantasizing where there are no intentions attached. It's when you begin to think of how you can lure or seduce the woman, that's lust. God bless, dear.
CHL, Thank you for your kind words, God bless
Wow, our stories are really similar. I'm a single Christian female close to your age and I was also abused around the age of 11; like you, no rape, just abuse. I actually just started counseling in February and I am making very slow progress. I really want to get married someday. Like you I've been troubled about masturbating and to be honest I haven't figured out an answer yet. Sometimes I wonder if it's one of those "weak brother vs. strong brother" issues from Romans 14; some people sincerely feel masturbation is wrong and some sincerely feel it's right, and as long as they're genuinely following God and seeking His will, He's happy with the act or choice not to act. In my case I'm not sure if it's wrong or right, since my motivations and thoughts are not always pure (don't want to get into them but sometimes they relate to the childhood abuse). Anyway, just know you're not alone.
Masturbation is a wonderful gift. There are a lot of Christian organizations that have man-made rules to make some people feel pious and others feel shame. Don’t become enslaved to these rules. My mother did not go to a movie theater until she was in her 50s because of some dumb man-made rule in the church she grew up. There is incredible freedom when you break free from that bondage and realize that the shame you are experiencing is NOT the Spirit. [Side topic: the idea of sexual “purity” is a farce too. Not ONE of us is sexually “pure,” even if we make all the right decisions. Our purity is 100% because of Jesus, not our own self-will or accomplishments.]
I would highly recommend that the OP as well as others who have commented with similar struggles read my post on masturbation. It is titled "Christian Masturbation Defense" It is locate under the "masturbation" section, page 7. I really feel this would help clear up any concerns regarding masturbation.
[Editor's Note: here's the link. https://marriageheat.com/2015/07/07/christian-masturbation-defense-part-1/ ]
HornyHubby how is your wife? Long time no hear, how is everything?
iwanttofollowjesus,
I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine what it is like having to live with being abused. My prayers go out to you and all others who have had to endure such.
As far as masturbation, well I agree that masturbation is a gift from God.
I am lucky in the sense that I have always had someone who I could talk to about such matters. That person has always been my mom. Of course now I have my husband whom I confide in, but my mom is always there when I need her.
I started masturbating as a teen and still enjoy it to this day. I do not believe that masturbating is a sin or is anything to be ashamed of. Enjoy masturbation and it's pleasures.
I remember my mom walked into my room once and found me masturbating. Instead of scolding me and making me feel dirty and ashamed, she assured me that it was a normal and healthy part of a person's sexuality.
You are a beautiful person in the eyes of God regardless of what happened to you in the past. I hope I haven't gone on too long. God bless you and keep you. Enjoy his many blessings and love. Later, girl!
I can’t thank you ALL enough for all of your comments, insights, wisdom, encouragement, and prayers! Thank You SO much for helping me to see that I’m not alone and for giving me more biblical wisdom on how God created our sexuality and what He wants for our sexuality. I want so deeply to be married and to enjoy an active, healthy sexy life with my husband someday, but while I am not married, I definitely want to be content in my singleness and praise and serve Him in my singleness without the burden of self hatred and shame towards my sexual desires. So, I am going to continue to pray for my future husband and look forward to the day we can be joined as one and in the meantime, I’m going to continue to explore my body and imagine making love to my future husband after we are married. Thank you all so much! Please pray for me if you wouldn’t mind. I’m so thankful for this community! Much love to you all!
You are most welcome! And of course we will pray!
Great point about being content in your singleness and focus on Christ. Marriage can't be about only each other for as humans we can't give each other all we need. We must rest in Christ and go to Him for all we need for only He can know and give it! 🙂
I have spent many years off and on prayerfully researching this topic. The first I heard negative about it was a congregation I attended in college. And they were radically opposed to it, even sending their morality police to the dorms to interrogate their members who lived on campus.
Of course, by that age, I had been doing it for several years. Trying to abstain drove me nuts and kept me sleepless. So I ended up lying to them about it. But it was after getting married and finding my wife wanted next to no sex whatsoever (abuse issues) that I really started studying up on it. I read books by Dr. Cliff and Joyce Penner where they talked about it. And they started off that section with the following passage:
Song of Solomon 5:2a, 5b
I was asleep but my heart was awake……
And my hands dripped with myrrh, And my fingers with liquid myrrh,
So I dug into the meanings of the Hebrew words, and the known symbolism of ancient Near East love poems. It confirmed what the Penners had implied, that this was a scriptural reference to the Shulamite masturbating. So it actually WAS in the Bible and told in a positive light.
So what about the "guilt" that so many experienced during or (more commonly) just after masturbating? That took a lot of prayer. And a lot of trying to listen to God because no one anywhere addressed that issue.
And here is what I believe God showed me. (Take it as you will.) He designed sexual activity to join two people together at emotional and spiritual levels as well as the physical. When we put our body thru the sexual paces to orgasm, but there is no one to join to emotionally or spiritually, we feel the lack; an emptiness in the pit of our stomach. We interpret it as guilt, fueled no doubt by the false teaching that M is a total abomination to God.
And that was brought home to me in a story told by a Paul Byerly, who along with his wife Lori runs a similar site to this. He was asked one day by his pastor if they could counsel a highschool girl who attended the church. She had been masturbating for some time but was torn up with guilt every time she did it. Since she needed the release so badly, finally she taught her boyfriend how to get her off.
Problem solved: no more feelings of guilt.
Except the boyfriend knew that wasn't right and eventually told his youth leader who told the pastor. If it was TRUE guilt, it would have been worse. Instead, the guilt went away. So the feelings of guilt after masturbating are FALSE.
When I was in graduate school for counseling at a Christian Grad school I wrote a paper on masturbation and the Christian. I would be happy to send that to you through MH if you would like.
There is one book that I know of on Female Masturbation. It's called "My Beautiful Feeling," by Walter Trobisch. It is an older book, but it is a gentle application of grace and God's love to this issue.
[From MH: While we won't forward emails, we would be happy to have you submit your paper for publication here if you feel it would benefit our readers.]
I'm struggling with the same thing. I bet we can chat for hours about this. It's the lustful thoughts that make it sinful, I believe
There are several great contributions here on MH with different perspectives on this issue. A quick search on the word Lust in our search function will give you access to them.
lovely heartfelt post. I am an older man whose wife has been ill for a long time. I too have struggled with the same feelings. I have been masturbating off and on for some years now, and still have mixed feelings about it. But, where I end up is the idea that as long as I don't abuse myself, or hurt others, I am ok with it. Plus it gives me release from stress and tension. Don't know if this helps, but it's what I can offer to you.