Is this Goodbye?

Note to MH editors: what I say below is obviously not a typical MH story, and some may perceive it as being critical of the site. I do not mean it that way at all, and hope that you will still publish it as food for thought for other readers. I would appreciate their feedback and dialogue.

When I first discovered Marriage Heat three years ago, I thought it was great – a fantastic resource. I even submitted a couple of stories (Midnight Dream Come True  and Polishing the Grape) though I’ve been mostly a reader, not a writer.  I found it enhanced my creativity, gave me new ideas, and also challenged me.

However, over the past year or two, I’ve also noticed something else occurring for me: rising jealousy and dissatisfaction.

Let me explain: my wife and I are in our early 40s, have been married almost 20 years, and have a solid sexual relationship. But we have our challenges. Her desire level is much lower than mine, and she is also much more hesitant about experimentation or exploring new things. Consequently, our sex life is relatively “vanilla” with only occasional sprinkles of variety.  Still, there is so much to be thankful for – we talk openly about sex, have sex fairly regularly, and have grown at least a little in being more open about sexual preferences and expanding the repertoire.  For example, oral sex on me was once completely off the table. Now it does happen occasionally as foreplay.

However, as I read story after story on MH of couples who are engaging in varieties of sexual encounters that I can only dream of, but are apparently very common for them (very high-drive wives, anal play, extended oral sex, use of sex toys, masturbating for each other, and so on) I have been finding myself increasingly unhappy and even embittered.

I find myself saying things like “Why can’t my wife be more like those wives?” or fantasizing about what life would be like if I had married someone different, like my long-term college girlfriend who was very sexually adventurous (at least in our conversations and “fooling around” – we never had full-on sex).

These are dangerous thoughts to be having – I am literally coveting my (digital) neighbors’ wives. I also am increasingly judging my overall happiness on whether or not my wife and I are having ‘good’ sex. I think sex is vitally important, but I feel like I am losing perspective on the other elements of life and just focusing on how this aspect isn’t what I wish it were.

I am beginning to think that, for me, MH might be counterproductive to my marital happiness.  I want to really emphasize the words “for me” in that previous sentence – I am not blaming the admins of this site, or judging those who write or read stories here. I know a lot of people get a lot of good from this site. I can only speak about my own experience.

As a result, I am considering saying “goodbye” to MH.  I am wondering if it is better for me to focus on being grateful for what I do have, enjoying it, and investing in it – without constantly comparing it to what I wish it could be.  That doesn’t mean I give up on trying to move us toward something better, but I’m not sure having the contrast in my mind so regularly is good for me. (Again, for me.)

Are there other readers like me, who find themselves frequently reading about sexual relationships so much “spicier” and more open than their own?  Do you find yourself facing these same feelings? How do you handle them?

Thanks for listening to this honest struggle I’m living with right now.

 

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33 replies
  1. Txblonde says:

    I read your story with great interest. My husband and I have been married for 30 years and for most of our marriage I would have to say that while our sex life was good, it wasn’t to the level that you read about on this site. Until now. It took us a while to get to that point. Sharing our needs, what we were missing and long conversations about what wasn’t working. Turns out, I needed some hormonal intervention…he needed some assistance…once we finally got our act together, it has been game on and I could write these stories on a daily basis! My best advice to you to consider setting up a romantic date or get away for both of you …maybe try your hand at writing her a story of your own …and share this website with her. Let her see what you’ve been reading…you might be pleasantly surprised by her reaction. Best of luck

    • ATrain says:

      Thanks for your comments, Txblonde. I like the idea of writing a story for her. I may consider that

  2. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    Absolutely not! We don't feel that way. But no one is forcing you to be here. I don't understand your thinking. I love reading stories on here, and sometimes they ignite arousal, and who's the beneficiary of that? My husband! At least your not imposing as much now, and that you stress that it's only your experience, so in fairness to you that's good on your part. I wish you well. God bless

  3. Marie Lister says:

    I have learned so much from reading MH posts over the years. There are many things that I would love to try and experience, too. My beloved hubby is very happy with our current sex life. I have tried to get him interested in this site, ideas for trying other things, shared books and articles of interest. He has read the articles and books I have given him. Unfortunately, one of the things I most wanted to experience is not in his comfort zone. A few things, he has adapted to our repertoire.

    In my relationship, I am the high-drive and color outside the lines, spouse. We have found a middle ground that works for us, makes us both feel loved, and intimacy at its best. Sometimes, I feel a little bit jealous but not overly so.

    We have been married for 33 years and I feel so lucky to have married the best partner I could ever have.

    If something doesn't feel good, I would not do it. So, if MH makes you feel unhappy, overly jealous, and unsatisfied, I would not expose myself to it. Life is way too short and there are many things that make you feel unhappy that you cannot avoid. I say, live the best life you can and most importantly, be happy.

  4. A Better Pastime says:

    This article is extremely intelligent and of deep critical thinking. The one argument that many commenters make with regard to what is the true definition of lust and that the content of the stories and the media platform on which they reside are neither pornographic nor lust-fulfilling nor covetousness-enabling is shown in contrasting light in this article. I think that the paragraph where the author states that he is literally coveting his (digital) neighbor's wives and as a result judging his overall happiness based on whether he and his wife are having good sex is profoundly self-introspective at the purest logical and philosophical levels. I applaud this author for letting himself think and be open to his observations. I have also found myself observing these very same behaviors on my own behalf since joining MH in only the last three weeks. I applaud the MH moderators for publishing this article and thank them for allowing open discussion.

    • ATrain says:

      Thanks for your comments. I am also glad the MH editors were open to publishing my thoughts.

  5. CMLove says:

    Thanks so much for sharing, ATrain. I can totally understand where you're coming from. My husband and I have only been married for ten years and he was the more adventurous of the two of us early on. But our early years of marriage were hard and he felt that I favored my parents over him and that he was never able to become the man of his own household. Needless to say, it was very detrimental to our sex life and his sex drive. Praise be to God, He has helped us through that and we are doing incredibly well now, but the long-term effects are that my sex drive and adventurous spirit are now a lot more than his.
    Some of the stories in this beloved site did for me exactly what you've been struggling with. "why can't my husband get horny just by looking at me?" "Why isn't my husband able to do what those husbands do?"
    I confessed to my covetousness and took a long break from MH, a little over a year. I used that time to actually study Song of Solomon and learned how to pray for my husband, not just for his sexual freedom but also every other aspect of his life. God really just filled me with a love for my husband that I had never felt before!
    Now, things are getting so much better. My husband is communicating his fantasies and his desire for me and it's all for the glory of God.
    I'm back on MH now (still not daily, maybe once or twice a week) and, even though my hubby still doesn't do everything the other hubbies on here do, I don't feel envious anymore…. just horny for my hubby😜
    All that to say, my advice would be to, yes, take a break from this site. But that doesn't mean it's goodbye forever. Maybe just a shift in your perspective. Even the fact that you wrote this post proves you're taking steps in the right direction: examining yourself, telling of your love for your wife, asking for wisdom. God will certainly bless that! My prayers are with you, brother. May God continue to bless your marriage for His glory!

  6. undeservinggrace says:

    I am someone who has been on a similar path to yours. About six years ago I discovered there was such a thing as a "Christian sex-toy store" on the Internet, and it fascinated me. That led me to what I call "marriage blogs," which have helped me understand that sexuality is God-given and good. In essence, I have learned what is "not sin," and I have spent a lot of effort trying to bring those ideas into my marriage with my wonderful wife. It has not been easy, but it has been very worthwhile.

    First of all, to address something specific that occurred to me as I read your post, I have realized that "envy" and "jealousy" are not the same thing, although many people tend to use the terms interchangeably. Envy, or covetousness, is wanting something that is not ours. Desiring such things will make us miserable, and that is why God calls it sin. Jealousy, on the other hand, is wanting something that belongs to us, or should be ours. Our God is a jealous God. He is jealous for what is due to Him: respect, honor, fear, worship, thanks, etc. If we desire our neighbor's wife, we are coveting, but if we desire things in our marriage that are rightfully ours, we are jealous for those things. The Bible tells us that in marriage our bodies are not our own, and that we owe our spouse sexual fulfillment. Those things are godly, and those desires are pure. I do not believe you are coveting your (digital) neighbor's wives; you are just desiring things you are allowed to have in your marriage with your wife. I think the latter is the point of MH.

    Saying that, I think you are right to be concerned about your thoughts about your college friend because she is a real person who is not your wife. My wife and I had "pasts" of our own, and we had to get some things right with Jesus before we were able to make real progress in our relationship with each other. I mentioned my own personal blog in a comment I made on a MH post a few weeks ago (May 19), and I discuss my walk with Jesus on that blog. I think you might find my story helpful.

  7. TorrHead says:

    I very much appreciate your thoughtful post, ATrain. Its honest wrestling with the framing of your sexual life and this website has, in a short time, prompted many more thoughtful takes. I could not resist throwing in one more.

    I understand your frustration at home and mixed emotions about diving into MH online. I am the horn dog at my house, constantly stoked by sexual energy and daily dreaming about what I want to do sexually with my wife next. My wife? Not so much. She is very sexually responsive, she is absolutely devoted to me and our marriage, and thoroughly enjoys every sexual encounter (okay, almost every). But as I am wired to have sex morning noon and night every day, she's wired to worry about her kids, her work, her home, and all the rest. I love our kids, my job, and our home, too, just not in the primal way, I guess, that I love sex. This match-up is not uncommon in marriage–and a good thing, as we each pull the other to the balanced center.

    My wife was sexually assaulted when a student at university. It was a very traumatic experience which has hugely influenced her sex life. And mine. She did not disclose this to me before we married (believing if she didn't speak about it, it wouldn't "be real."). Of course, it was real. Her attacker called her a "fat whore" (she wasn't, she weighed 120 pounds), but losing control so desperately in that moment drove her to bulimia. Only some heavy-duty therapy, prayer, and Jesus have been able to put her (and me) ultimately on a healing path. Everybody has a story; that's ours. The rapist's assault also defined some sexual moves for her that I would love to try but that she does not want to repeat. I understand, but as I read MH, I have sometimes been tempted to be frustrated as you have been, focusing on what I don't have instead of what I do.

    I do have a very dynamic sex life. I just haven't crossed all of the bridges I'd like to cross with my wife. I'd try anything (and want to try everything) if she'd be game. But, much of the sexual wonder, as all of us know, isn't just in the explosion at orgasm, but in the build up, the exclusivity of the relationship, the melting together. When I am preoccupied with the road less traveled to orgasm than is she, I miss maximizing what I do have. When I allow myself to continue growing and exploring on the road to fulfillment (while reading MH, for instance), I have hope for more.

    My work requires me to be on the road much of the time–half the time, in some years. MH has been an indispensable help to me in coping with those many absences from my marriage bed; it has kept me often from seeking less healthy sexual content and experiences elsewhere. I have introduced my wife to MH and, frankly, it intimidated her. "I don't know if I could do what some of the stories describe," she said at first. But, as time has marched on, she's more into it. And becoming more relaxed with the MH tales of true life. And, we talk more about sex. Actually, about everything, because opening a door to even talking about sex in my ordinary life opens the door to a lot of other things in my heart. MH has helped her understand this.

    My wife loves to visit Crate and Barrel. It's filled with things we don't have and probably don't need. But, she's very interested in the stuff on the shelves and on the floor, just the same, because what we do have could be better. We have a beautiful home. Seriously. But, it could still be cooler with some more Crate and Barrel touches. I told her MH is something like that, too. We have a great and satisfying sex life. But it could be better. I want more. I think I need more. "Read this," I'll say, setting up her Kindle for MH. She rolls her eyes and laughs (and gooses my hard on).

    When navigating sexual literature, content, conversation, and exposure, the question for me has become: if it draws me closer to my wife, I'm for it. If it develops any kind of chasm between us, I'm against it. I so totally respect your authentic reflection, ATrain, and know your decision can be made only for you by you. For me, MH has absolutely drawn me closer to my wife, even as I read some submissions and think, "Wow. I wish I could do that," knowing it's off the table. For now. But, not forever.

  8. Lovinghusband says:

    ATrain, I just want to commend you for your openness and honesty. I think there have been many wise and helpful comments here to aid you. I admire you for even in your title – you admit your no longer coming on MH is an open question for you as you seek the Lord's will.

    Of course, the key to our marriages isn't MH or sex. It is walking with God in the light of His Word.

    Lastly, you were balanced in what you said ("for me").

    God bless you and your wife, brother. I hope to see you on here if that is what is best. If not, I hope the best for you both. Thank you again. LH

  9. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    Reading this post I realized I could easily have written it myself. You explain exactly what I've been feeling and thinking for awhile.

    I must admit that I have not shared MH with my wife yet. Why? I'm afraid to. She is so incredibly low desire, and practically balks at any mention of something past "vanilla" and will actually get upset and give great resistance to anything new to the point of being angry. It's all very frustrating.

    So yes, I too find myself jealous of MH husbands. They are getting and doing what I want to have and do. No, I don't want their wives, I just want my wife to do what they're wives do. And as a married man, I believe it is my right to desire and expect certain things sexually from my wife, especially when other couples seem to have no problem enjoying those same things.

    I already desired these things prior to discovering MH, but reading stories here confirm my suspicions that other Christian marrieds are in indeed enjoying them. So I ask myself, "why can't we enjoy them too?", "Why is my wife so opposed to growing sexually". "What needs to change for us?". Now to give you some info on us, we have been married nearly 25 years, and my wife has nursed our babies for a long time and her body is depleted, so to speak. I also think her hormones are imbalanced. But she resists conventional medical intervention. However, she has behaved sexually repressed long before having kids.

    I want to add something regarding lust and envy. Not sure if they're the same as coveting, but I'm starting to believe lust and envy are one and the same. And when Christ warned against them, the connotation was not simply "looking" at a women who is not your wife, but rather looking and then making plans and efforts to make her your own. In essence, trying to take what is someone else's.

    Thanks for making your post, it helps to give me more perspective.

  10. T and S says:

    I have struggled with some of the same issues. What has been most helpful for us is when my wife reads the posts. However if there is a lot of backdoor action that can turn it the wrong direction. Also all the straight vaginal instant orgasms can make us feel a little inadequate because that isn't how she works.

    I would suggest a podcast like sexy marriage radio might be a another option that might be a good resource. They had a really good one on becoming "cliterate."

    I would also echo the previously mentioned toy option. That really helps her get over the edge.

    • ATrain says:

      Love sexy marriage radio – in fact, it’s where I first heard MH briefly mentioned. My wife listens to it as well, which has prompted some good conversations. There is another call Foreplay that we also listen to. They’ve helped us talk about things, though changes in the bedroom have been slow to catch up.

  11. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Wow! What sage advice has been offered. It is great that you can see that something is a stumbling block for you and be willing to let it go, even though you may enjoy it.

    I have written a bit about where Rez and I came from in our relationship. He spent many long years wanting what I was unwilling to give (because I truly had doubts as to whether such acts were right in God's eyes). But in His perfect timing, I had something of a sexual (re-)awakening as I neared 50. Some of that was surely hormonal, some was maybe due to better addressing my body's physical and nutritional needs, but mostly I just think it was His plan for me. I didn't find MH until after the turn around began, but it has been instrumental in it's growth and expansion. My husband found it on a Google search and showed me. I was shocked yet liberated by "meeting" so many people who worship God above all else yet enjoy hot marriages of many different types.

    This may not be your season for MH. But if you haven't shown MH to your wife and given her the option of getting to know this community (at her own pace and perogative), you never know what long-term positive effect it might have.
    💛, CHL

  12. MaritalBliss says:

    I can’t even express my feelings reading this. You hit the nail on the head so perfectly. I too have been struggling reading erotica. I thought that reading Christian erotica was better, but my gut and the Holy Spirit is telling me it’s not. In my readings, I lust for things that aren’t for me. I fantasize on things presented; therefore, providing a false sense of reality.

    Reading erotica only makes me want sexual things more. Erotica is just another outlet for the devil to use against me. Once I read it, I have urges and those urges lead me to other sinful acts. God whispers to me on what I should be doing when I’m in these moods. He tells me to read his word and talk to him. Sometimes I write my future spouse a letter.

    I feel that I shouldn’t be privy to another couples conversation about what goes in their bedrooms. God tells us not talk about crude and obscene things. I feel like I do when I read erotica.

    Thanks for your post. You really made my day! God Bless!

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      Not downing your perspective, MaritalBliss. You have to do what's right for you. But I think the whole point of MH, and other blogs and podcasts like it, is that nothing that takes place sexually between a husband and wife is crude or obscene. God made sex and he made it loving and beautiful. Only when it's engaged in outside the boundaries that He set for it does it become an ugly, selfish thing.

  13. Larry1052 says:

    You are not alone in experiencing sexual frustration, if the truth be told probably most people experiences it to one degree or another. Sin has screwed everything up including sex. At 65 I have had my share of sex, the pure kind and the not so pure. No matter how much you get, you want more. There is always a new fantasy, desire, or technique that you want to experience and it's frustrating when your spouse does not share the excitement of it with you.
    Your post says you do have regular sex, you have open conversation about sex and that she has "grown" sexually. This is all positive, at least you have regular sex, and you are talking about it and there has been some positive movement. Rejoice in that, many can't say that. I know a young man who is married to a drop-dead beautiful woman who according to him has almost zero interest in sex and he is a "horn dog". So imagine being with a beautiful woman who doesn't want it at all.
    Also, remember the stories posted here and on other erotic story sites are not necessarily true stories. This site states you can post fiction and non-fiction.
    My sex life currently is not the best because of life and business stresses that cause strain on our relationship. But thinking back on the years, my wife has done many fun things sexually with me. Still, when I read about others, I have the same thoughts you are having. Take stock of what you have experienced, write it down, everything you can remember, and smile because you have it better many others. At least you are talking; talk some more. Surprise her with an experience she will like and build on that. You may have to do all the leading in this, she may not ever surprise with an unexpected blow job, or some other over the top sexual experience. But if you are having regular sex, talking and experiencing some growth, rejoice and enjoy what you have. Sounds like you have something to build on.

  14. Marriage Heat says:

    The following information is from our story submission guidelines and will henceforth be included in our "about" page. But it bears repeating here, as well:

    We recommend that your spouse is aware of your being at this site and that you may even share reading this content. We also recommend that you only read these stories if it helps you and your spouse and encourages your marriage heat. If these stories harm your marriage and make you discontent with your spouse, please do not read the content of this site.

    • ATrain says:

      I appreciate you making that statement more prominent and giving people the chance to examine this for themselves.

  15. ArtRutherford says:

    A Train – as in "Take the?" Sorry for those that don't understand. Since I was a Music Major and played Bass in the Jazz Ensemble, I thought that the name might be a subtle reference to the tune.

    Anyway, good point. Does reading the stories here on MH cause one to be jealous or envious?

    And, why is reading erotica about sex ok but if one uses visual erotica it is considered wrong?

  16. iwantiteveryday says:

    ATrain, I understand you completely sir. I too find myself in this predicament judging my sex life with the woman I love. I have even questioned things I would have never questioned before.

    I have talked to my wife numerous times, long hours of talk yet, I find myself judging my sex life. Why can't we have a sex life like this couple or that couple…. bottom line, it's my wife who I need to invest more time in to actually fulfill what MOST of these couple in MH have in their sex lives.

  17. nodesire4sex says:

    Atrain, I completely agree with, understand and feel as you do. I actually introduced my husband to this site a couple years ago. I was looking for help for myself and he got hooked. But as time passed, I started resenting MH because my husband would (and to an extent still does) compare me to women on this site. He reached out also for help, received "tons" of advice, but still chose to compare me and eventually admitted (recently) to having three separate affairs in our 8 years of marriage and 11 yrs of being together. You see, I am the one with low sex drive. But to come to a site and then read that I am not like all the women on the site, then being compared by the person who should love and support you the most, it can be disheartening and a very lonely place. I AM NOT SAYING MH IS AT FAULT. I am just saying that when you are not experiencing what other or most are, you start to wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I or are we so different? Why is everyone else enjoying sex?

    • Marie Lister says:

      My heart hurts for you and what you are currently going through with the recent knowledge of your husband's affairs.

      Personally, I believe, that the posts we read are a very tiny percent of the MH community in regards to the adventuresome sex. To state it more clearly, I believe, most people are having regular, vanilla sex. The stories shared here are a one off or a very special time (where a lot of planning and time are involved).

      Being compared to other women in the posts, would totally demotivate me. Making you feel loved, honored, special like you are, would motivate me. If someone tries to intimidate or tell me I have to do something, I would dig my heels in deeper and definitely NOT do it!

      It concerns me that I read one comment on this post, where a man said, "And as a married man I believe it is in my right to desire and expect certain things sexually from my wife, especially when other couples seem to have no problem enjoying those same things." [I disagree.] No one is entitled to anything.

      Love, love, love is always the answer!

      If you truly love someone, you respect, trust, and honor them. Then they may want to or feel comfortable to cross over to areas that are a bit out of their comfort zone.

  18. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Can I make a suggestion? Wouldn't it be great if the people who aren't having sex as often, or are not comfortable with trying new or kinky things, but who just enjoy occasional, plain vanilla lovemaking with each other wrote stories about that? You know, normalize and promote that, instead of letting us sex maniacs take over the site and crowd out the beautiful, romantic stories like Mrs.Thornton's and others. We are all normal, and we should all be able to feel comfortable in our own skins and levels of sexual desire. You could bless others who are feeling just like you do when you read the wild stories. Husbands, write a story about desiring more or different sex but choosing to honor and love your wife right where she is in her sexual development. Wives, write about a time you made an extra effort to give yourself to your hubby twice in one month instead of only once because you care about him and his needs above your own. Self-sacrificial love and respect and honor are what God-honoring marital relationships are based on, right? Let's fill up MH with stories of *every* kind of normal!

    • nodesire4sex says:

      CrazyHappyLove…nice suggestion. I have actually thought about it and my husband has mentioned it several times. But when you feel compared, and not "meeting the normal" your voice tends to be shut down and rebellion and resentment towards any suggestion can happen. At least that is what I have felt for quite sometime. It's like fighting against what you would consider and probably do if you were not feeling so judged.

    • CrazyHappyLoved says:

      If I felt judged, my rebellious nature would rear it's ugly head, too. But I know for me, for years after our marriage almost ended, there were times when I did feel judged if my husband even suggested he might like to try something different. I don't think that was fair of me. Unlike Marie, I do think there are "marital rights" that the Bible tells husbands and wives both not to deny each other. And how can we grant them if we let even discussing them cause us to feel judged? Aren't we then guilty of judging our husband's needs and desires according to our own standards? Are we loving and supporting them the way we want them to do for us?

      I know what you're reeling from, but you did say in your poem that it had been many years now since, even though the confession was recent. I sincerely pray you can find your way to forgiveness and peace, and come to trust your husband's love again. And there is no shame in seeking Christian counseling to help heal your relationship with him.

  19. HeSaid-SheSaid says:

    ATrain, do you recall which episode of sexy marriage radio mentioned MH, or the approximate date of the episode? My wife and I listen to it together ocassionaly, so if we heard that particular episode, it might prove a helpful way of introducing MH to her. Thanks.

    • ATrain says:

      Unfortunately I don’t remember the episode. It would have been sometime in late summer/fall of 2015, because my first story on here was published in December 2015. It may have been an episode about fantasy or porn in marriage (as in, MH as an alternative)

  20. Stag-on-a-hill says:

    Thanks for this post ATrain and thanks everyone for the discussion. I have started writing erotic stories starring my wife… for her alone to read. I don’t know what the result of this will be, but it is a way to share some of my dreams. Even just for her to know me a little more!

  21. Engelbert Humperdink says:

    Something else to keep in mind. These stories are "greatest hits". No one is posting "but he/she was too tired so we went to sleep" instances. If every time I had sex was like the best-of, I wouldn't be able to get much done.

  22. Ilvmywife69 says:

    I have felt the same way a couple times. My wife (normally) has a very low sex drive. If we have sex 4 times a month then we have had a good month. When I first joined Marriage Heat I sent my wife a story or two to see how she would react and thankfully she enjoyed them. Now that I have been sending her stories (every so often) for the last several years, our sex life has gotten better. Do I still wish I could have sex 3 or more times a week? Yes, but the sex we have now is better due to our trust in each other, the fact that the kids are older, and the stories I sent her progressively went from basic sex stories to things I would like for us to try. I always ask for her opinion, I always try to gauge whether she is up for it, and I always tell her how awesome she is, even if it’s nothing more than a handjob. I love my wife tremendously and I am thankful for how our relationship has grown with the help of Marriage Heat.

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