My wife and I took the month of September off from having sex with each other. We had decided to try something we called, “Solosextember.”
The purpose of this was to reconnect with the sexuality of our youth. To engage in the practices that were torn from us due to abuses we experienced. We didn’t physically venture outside of our marriage, of course. But we took to it as if we were single.
What we found was way more than we ever expected. You really have no idea how much of your sexuality is stifled by abuse until you can “start over” mentally. It felt, at first, like a strange monumental step backward. But instead, it exploded us forward in our sexual wants and preferences. Even our desires for our life outside of sex were impacted.
Fantasy is something that’s birthed in childhood. As children, we give life to inanimate objects. We give animals the personalities and emotions of people. We even give real people emotions and actions different from what they really are.
Our first sexual experiences are often those which live in fantasy. We carry those with us throughout our lives. I think we can probably look back and recall those first orgasms and find that early fantasy. Maybe he or she was someone you knew. Maybe they were a character from a book or a show or someone you conjured up in your mind. But, in a very real way, they were your first sexual partners.
In considering these old fantasies, there is one thing we often overlook. That is the creativity involved in their development. You can read books on creativity. You can take art classes or create marketing pieces. You can bring advertising to life in a myriad of different media. But nothing stirs the soul and defines the neural pathways of creativity like an orgasm.
This was our biggest revelation. Both my wife and I experienced sexual abuse. That abuse took the sexual creativity which should have been ours away. Instead, that gave it someone else’s context and construction.
We each kept a notepad. At the end of every day, we would share random thoughts that had come to us. On day two, my wife scribbled the word “creation” on a napkin and taped it to her pad. On that same day, I had jotted down “creativity” on my notepad.
My wife is a broker associate. She had talked about starting her own real estate brokerage a year or so ago. But she hadn’t brought it up since. By day five, she had a name, the outlines of a marketing scheme, and was on LegalZoom getting her LLC put together. By day seven, I had closed the largest sale in our company’s history. It was of a product that we’d always struggled to move.
Huh? Sexual creativity was the cause of that? Not exactly. But, I do see appropriate sexual development as a core building block of a person. It has a lot power to define aspects of your life. Connecting the dots there often leads to success elsewhere.
We also uncovered the damage done to our healthy sexuality. We discovered issues of lying, protecting egos, obligation, and jealousy. By pursuing a month as married friends with no say in each other’s sexual pursuits, we opened up our world. Sexual expression became based on communication rather than action. Within a week, we’d both felt like we met someone new and wanted to know more about.
It was wonderful to listen to her sexual fantasies and encourage her to bask in the pleasure they gave her. That gave me more pleasure than I’d ever felt with her. I told my wife at least a dozen times that it felt like I was having sex every morning, even though we never did.
We also gave ourselves the ultimate freedom to pursue sexual feelings when they struck. “When it hit, let it rip” was our saying. And neither of us really had a clue about the variety of things in this world that turned us on. Neither of us had to go and search them out. We just had to embrace what was readily available. From the bartender at the sushi joint down the street to Asian women who gave me a pedicure. It was a fascinating discovery.
I know this sounds sketchy to some, and I get it. But, in my opinion, sexual feelings are like all other feelings. You feel them, let them build up, and let them out. Like crying when you’re sad, you have an orgasm when you’re feeling sexual. Yes, I know crying comes upon you naturally and orgasms have to be pursued. But, both function as outlets for emotion. Hiding them away in a dark corner rarely leads to the needed relief.
I can’t tell you how many times we had dinner together while staring off at some couple or another. Then we’d come back to the house and migrate to our separate spaces to do our own thing. Later we would rejoin in the kitchen for a drink to talk as friends. Only this time, we’d discuss the sexual journey we shared apart. It was fascinating to discover how different it was from what we shared together. Many times we busted up laughing.
My wife has never had anal sex in her life, but it was a staple in her fantasies. She doesn’t want to have sex on the beach because grains of sand would get in her ass. But almost always her fantasies took place on a beach. She hates beards during sex, but every fantasy partner had a beard. Asians have never been my thing, but there they were in every one. I am not a fan of doggie style, but I had more women bent over than I could count. The list could go on and on and on.
By the end of the month, these kinds of conversations were no longer taboo. We were able to talk about fantasies like they existed on the other as an appendage. They are just a part of our makeup and our creative selves.
We made love this morning for the first time in 30 days. I can’t tell you how many times we laughed and how incredible it felt. Keeping your fantasies alive doesn’t mean your spouse isn’t getting your full attention. It means you’re giving them more than you ever have before. So quit socking them away, feeling guilty or embarrassed for what they are, and let them out. Share them and embrace them.
And remember, fantasies are no different than a Nintendo game. You control them in your head in a way that brings you the greatest sexual pleasure. You are every person in your fantasy.
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