I’m Single; How do I Manage my Sex Drive in a Godly Way?
Hi everyone! My name is David. I’m twenty years old, single, a virgin, and never married.
I was raised in a household where sex was not discussed very often. Consequently, I was somewhat indoctrinated by false, religious dogma about sex. You know, the whole “sex is dirty and gross, so save it for marriage” spiel. Since then, I’ve been liberated! I have searched God’s Word for myself. In it, I have found nothing but a celebration of sexual intimacy between a husband and wife. But…I still have some concerns.
In the past, when I was quite young, I stumbled upon pornography. I was a confused pre-teen that didn’t have the necessary “talks” with my parents. What began as an innocent curiosity became a burdening addiction for years. But…I’ve been set free! Jesus radically saved me from that porn addiction, and now I’m a totally new man. The Gospel is amazing!
Over the past ten or so years, I’ve been on a journey. I’ve gone from sexual ignorance, to sexual curiosity, to sexual deception, to sexual healing. It’s been a roller-coaster for me. I had to relearn everything I thought I knew about sex, because of the falsity and perversion I saw in porn. Praise God, my mind has been renewed! I now see sex for what God made it to be!
But here’s my issue. Just like most men, I have a strong sex-drive that’s difficult to bridle. I don’t exactly know how to properly harness this drive in a way that’s pure, but also not prohibitive. I now understand that sex is not bad, nor is my sex-drive…God made me to desire sex, and that’s a positive thing! However, purity is extremely important to me. I am determined to stay celibate until I am married. I want to maintain a positive view on sex, and properly reserve myself for my future wife. I believe my virginity is to be treasured and my sex-drive stewarded.
My question is this. How does a single young man steward his sex drive in a way that’s honorable, yet not legalistic?
I’ll be honest, this website makes me a little uncomfortable. But that’s why I’m asking this question here — to step out of my comfort zone. I feel as though I’m feeding lust when I’m on here. Like these stories will cause me to objectify women. And it makes me somewhat ashamed. You all seem so shameless in the way you talk about sex, and I want that!
But I don’t wan’t to “awaken love” before I have a godly outlet in marriage. Also, I don’t want to cause myself to think on things that I shouldn’t. Even now, I feel like I can’t think about women without sexual thoughts arising at some point. Now, I don’t allow myself to look at any woman with lust in my heart. I have learned to bring my thoughts into submission.
I do not believe that it’s wrong to think about sex, generally speaking. In my opinion, to discourage the thought of sex all together is both unbiblical and unrealistic. Purely sexual thoughts are not the issue…it’s lustful thoughts that are problematic. But where do we draw the line exactly? When does thinking about sex become unhealthy or degrading to women? I’d like to hear your thoughts on this.
With that in mind, what is to be said about single masturbation? What do you think about it? I don’t have established convictions concerning masturbation yet. Porn was kicked out of my life a long time ago. My convictions on that are immovable. But masturbation has always been a lingering subject of debate in my belief system. It has now become an annoyance. Anything you think I should consider?
Thank you and God bless!
Thanks for sharing. I was addicted to porn too and I was married. So, the problem is porn. Not marriage or masturbation. (Which I do daily) I, like you, have a strong sex drive and my wife's is real low. The scriptures don't mention anything about masturbation, so, I guess it is ok. It depends on your personal convictions and church teachings. It is good for you to read this blog and see what marriage can be. Perhaps your future wife would be interested too. You may want to discuss it with her.
Masturbation is the way to go. It's a wonderful tool God gave us. Unlike what many say, it can help you keep from committing actual sin. And you shouldn't be uncomfortable because this is a great thing for you to be here. I realize the idea that masturbation can help keep your sexual purity seems like an oxymoron. But masturbation is not a sin, and it can help keep you sexually pure.
Your body needs a natural sexual release, especially if you are a male (but many women do as well). Approximately every 72 hours your sperm ducts fill up and hormones are sent through your body tell you need a release. You mind needs sexual release too.
I might get hate for this, but there is absolutely no sin in you as a man enjoying paintings or pictures of nude women or even couples engaged in normal heterosexual sex as God designed it. You were wired by God to think about and appreciate the female form, and to think about and appreciate the thought of heterosexual sex. This is why images of heterosexual sex bring you so much pleasure – they are a thought put to paper – its like an instant lifelike painting.
Oh wow, really? The whole enjoying nude woman and sex thing…
Isn't that just porn? If not, how is it different?
And I'm genuinely curious for your thoughts Mrs. Thornton, no judgement!
@Harper also VERY much in agreement with this portion of your comment: "or even couples engaged in normal heterosexual sex as God designed it"…we totally understand what you mean by this!
@harper I'm not sure if masturbation and watching nude women is the right way but I'll be honest, I am a college-aged and sometimes when I'm making out with my girlfriend I get pretty horny down there. And then I just have to release my sexual urges and I do it through reading MH.
Sometimes I even watch nude girls and women masturbating on sites that bill themselves as educational and focused on the study of female orgasm. I don't know if this is right or wrong. And yes, sometimes I masturbate with pictures of my girlfriend. I don't know if this a sin but when I masturbate I don't feel guilty at all like I used to when I was 14…
But as a parent, would you encourage your son or daughter to masturbate while looking at naked pictures? Is it healthy?
By the way I have read so many stories from you and they are amazing! I've been inspired by your sex; I have to say thank you!
@JAM, For this discussion on porn use, I would encourage you to take this mindset: be open to new ideas, but don't be too quick to cast off old beliefs because new ones seem attractive. Think deeply and pray carefully about it. Even if things including nudity MAY be acceptable (I tend to believe they sometimes are), you must be careful you don't grow to depend on them or desire them in an unhealthy way. I hope to submit a post on this topic soon to discuss this in more detail, in addition to your previous question about "looking at women" in another story's comment section.
JAM777 I can explain this one my latest post (Australian Heat) as well
Thank you A Better Pastime!
God bless you both 🙂
I don’t know if this comment will be controversial amidst previous posters, however, I don’t personally believe that looking at and having sexual thoughts about any nude person who isn’t your spouse is something we can 100% say is okay. I think that if you have someone you love deeply and God has made it clear to you that they are your future spouse, then thinking explicitly about their nude body is going to be a given. I don’t want to disrespect anyone’s beliefs, but I don’t believe it is okay to look at any naked images of anyone who isn’t your spouse and pleasure yourself. It is absolutely how we were designed to enjoy looking at the nude form, but I believe that this is supposed to be the person that you were destined to be one flesh with. I don’t think that we can say looking at porn is different from looking at any other nude form in any other medium. Any deviation from this is not something you should condemn yourself for but I don’t believed it is God's design and is instead something that came after the Fall. Adam and Eve were one in every way, and I refuse to believe God intended for Adam to enjoy nude art or activities of other women. As far as looking at the nude image of someone who is your intended, or who you believe to be in God's will, I think that He understands our desires but that it’s likely best to wait until the covenant of marriage is official to cross that bridge, even though it’s not as if the ceremony is a magic switch or anything. Like I said I don’t want to offend any of the people who write otherwise, but I just can’t reconcile the idea of looking at the nude body of anyone who isn’t your God ordained, “one flesh” person.
I would also like to add that I in no way think that sexuality is bad. On the contrary, I tend to have a much higher view of sexuality and what God created it to be than most people I speak to. It’s not that sexual desire or sexual thoughts are inherently bad, it’s just that you were designed to have them for your person. Modern marriages and the less-legal and man made covenant that God designed Adam and Eve to have are a representation of Christ’s relationship with us. It is the most important and potentially most blissful relationship that can exist, if done right. Just as it would be outside of God's plan for me to worship or love an idol in place of my Lord, I believe it is also outside of God's plan for me to look at and enjoy the image of a nude man other than the one that He intends for me to be with. And just to elaborate on the idea of looking at the pictures of someone that you love and believe you are meant to be with, I think that the very strong desire to do that is VERY UNDERSTANDABLE. While I believe that God would likely advise us that it would be best for us to wait until marriage, He also understands the way that He designed us. The way God designed our relationships to be doesn’t follow the pattern and isn’t in the environment of the perfect world that God intended, and all the issues that arise come from there. I tend to think that waiting until you're married to actually look at each naked would be really special, and also the safest way to go for people who are trying to wait because it would likely become very tempting. I think that marriage is how we solidify the covenant that would have been in Eden, and would have been natural and implicit like Adam and Eves relationship. So I think that looking at your spouse naked and all of that, should be done at every possible opportunity, lol, and I think it’s understandable to want that with someone you love but aren’t married to, but I would want to wait for marriage to do that, and as of now, I have.
Honry_boy as a matter of fact my children are grown up now, but if they did I would NOT have shamed them for it.
I think your comment is spot on. I think the key, at least for me, is to avoid porn. Some of us are born with a lot of desire. I know I am. I am a widower, and my focus is on raising the last of our kids and providing care for my elderly mother, who lives with us. A relationship is not on the priority list right now, and hasn't been for years. I have embraced mindful masturbation to get me through this phase of my life. Obviously, it doesn't replace a loving woman, but it is good for my mind and body in the meantime.
Thank you for your affirmations. I know from experience before I was married and after my wife passed away that the need for me to masturbate and edge regularly allows me to keep myself from getting into sexual relationships outside of marriage. I would argue its been more challenging the second time around as a wonderful 11 years of marriage gave me absolute sexual bliss.
After living most my life being taught masturbation is a sin, I decided to read in scripture what God says about it. You know what? Nothing! Or rather the very few times mentioned, it was not in a negative but a neutral way. Why would God be so strangely silent concerning the most practiced sexual act in the history of man if God forbade it? I also looked at all the arguments against it and one by one they all fell apart when I actually started considering them carefully. On the pro side, one after another, they made real sense so after over one month studying it, I concluded that there is no sin, only unrealistic condemnation from ourselves or from "the accuser of the brethren."
David, I applaud you for wanting to do what is right and just and honor God with your life. Like you, I have a very strong drive. I have been married for many years now. However, prior to being married (my wife and I were both virgins when we married at 25) I also searched the Scriptures as I wanted to know what God's view was about masturbation. I came to the conclusion that it was not the act itself that was the sin, it was what one thinks on while doing it. As Jesus said, if a man looks on a women in lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Mathew 5:28). Prior to 16, my brother and I looked at pornographic magazines and would masturbate to them. However, once I was baptized and became a Christian that all changed. We burned the magazines and never looked back. Since sex in marriage is obviously godly and just, I would fantasize about having sex with my wife someday (imagining a female body and myself having sex but without a specific face). That way, it helped me not lust after a particular woman. Once I met my wife and we dated and were soon engaged, I still masturbated thinking about how great sex will be AFTER I was married. My maleness/masculinity is a gift from God and I want to honor God with my body, It was designed to be enjoyed in the appropriate way. I hope this helps. My wife and I kept ourselves pure until marriage and you can for your someday wife as well. Pray about it and strive to do what is right. It is just as bad to call something good evil as calling something evil good.
I believe Matthew 5:28 has been HORRIBLY misused to shame men attracted to women. Read Romans 7:7. What shall we say then? Is the law sin? God forbid. Nay, I had not known sin, but by the law: for I had not known lust, except the law had said, Thou shalt not covet.” – Romans 7:7 (KJV)
Sexual Imagination is NOT Lust. I realize most men do not have a clear conscious about masturbating. I think it is because they have been taught by their parents, their pastors and many others in our culture that this is somehow deviant or bad behavior. My aim here is to help men & women rid themselves of the heavy burden of guilt that is put on them for masturbating, not by God, but by the traditions of men.
Lust is coveting something (thinking about how to actually possess something) that God did not intend for us to have. God did not intend for us to have sex with a woman outside of marriage, so if we are having thoughts of how we can convince a woman, married or single, to have sex with us, without us first being married to her – then we have lusted.
I totally understand how you feel. And yes, when I started reading MH sometimes I felt uncomfortable. But hey, God created sex and it's totally ok to express our sexuality! I'm 20 and dating a 23 year old christian woman , and we make out a lot and stuff.
But sometimes when I listen to some preachers, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. One of my favorite preachers, John Piper, says that any sexual activity outside marriage, even reading erotica or masturbation, is a sin. And his theology has inspired so many people.
I'm a street workout guy. Maybe that's the reason why I'm always horny because when you working out your t -levels increase and I feel the need to masturbate almost daily. But I don't know if masturbation is a God-giving gift. Maybe we should pray and read our Bibles more?
@Horny_boy, lots of topics have come up in the last few days that I feel compelled to write about, and this is one of them!
Here's my thought process in brief: things like erotica and masturbation CAN be sinful, but are not always. It depends almost entirely on the attitude you have when engaging with those things. If they are used in a selfish mindset to gain sexual pleasure while shunning the responsibility and beauty of marriage, they may be sinful. But if they are used with an attitude of joyful anticipation, growth, exploration and learning how to better steward future sexual pleasure within marriage, I believe they are not only acceptable, but positive goods!
I'm being overloaded with ideas to write about, but perhaps I'll expand on these thoughts in a future article!
Hey David, I'm so glad you found MarriageHeat! I'm in the same situation as you (21, single, virgin), and this site has easily been the single greatest resource I've found for learning about sex within marriage and creating a healthy mindset about it. I hope you stick around, read some stories and articles and explore!
I was also raised in a household where sex was almost never discussed. I entered my early teens in complete (and I mean COMPLETE) ignorance about sex, which left me defenseless against the porn trap my changing body led me into, much like you. Pretty soon my parents found out and put an end to it, but it took several more secret bouts with porn (though thankfully never becoming truly "addicted") before I reached the place I'm at now.
And it's that place I would suggest you try to find. It consists of two main things:
1. Healthy masturbation
2. Channeling your sexual desire into learning and growing in your sexuality to be a better lover to your future wife
Masturbation:
First and foremost, it should be done with a proper mindset. While the act may be primarily out of a flesh-based urge, the attitude makes all the difference. If you're fantasizing about illicit sexual acts, like those seen in porn, it will be unhealthy for you. (Personally, I found it inappropriate to fantasize about any young women I know while I masturbate.) However, if your attitude is of joyful anticipation of greater fulfillment of sexuality within marriage, and any fantasizing you do is about that, I believe it's healthy!
Next, it should be done in moderation. As you move out of your teens, masturbating too much (every day or multiple times a day, for example) can drain your body. Semen can create life, and that nutrient-rich concoction is expelled from your body when you masturbate, which can drain your body if done too often over time. (There's a little-known practice where you can train yourself to orgasm without ejaculating and wasting those precious nutrients and energy. I recommend looking into that, but even if you accomplish it, there are still other things that need to be done in your life besides masturbating!)
Finally, if all of the above applies, it should be done with freedom from guilt. Nearly all the "biblical" arguments I've seen against it are pitifully flimsy, and I've not yet come across one that actually seems to hold up. I believe it's perfectly moral as long as it is done in moderation with the right attitude.
Channeling desire:
Instead of being tempted to watch porn or lose my virginity, I've learned to channel my desire. For the last roughly five years, I've been channeling that desire into two main areas, and I suggest you do too.
1. Mechanics:
To ward off temptation, focus your attention on your future marriage and preparing yourself to be a better lover when God says the time is right. Put some effort into learning how sex works: male and female sexual anatomy and sex responses, what happens during arousal, intercourse and orgasm, locations on the body and techniques to bring yourself and your future wife greater pleasure, etc. (I could give you lots more ideas, and more advanced ones if you want! As I said, I've been at this for half a decade.)
2. Fantasies:
Think through your hopes, dreams and fantasies for sex in the future, and if you can, write them down! It helps if you enjoy writing (as I do), but even just short summaries with a few details might help you better understand what you desire, what you find sexy, and will help you communicate better about sex with your future wife. As an example, I published a 4-part series on this site last year called "Wedding Night Fantasy" for just this purpose.
[From MH: https://marriageheat.com/2017/10/26/wedding-night-fantasy-part-1/ ]
Also, don't be afraid to update your writings as your tastes mature or change. Keep your old drafts, but make a copy and edit the new copy if you want to make changes to something you're written. It's neat to look back at your old writings and see how your desires might change over time!
To use a personal example again, I think the "Wedding Night Fantasy" series I published here expects sex that is far too wild for a wedding night between two virgins, even with the above-average sexual knowledge I plan to have at that time. But instead of removing or changing it because of those unrealistic expectations, I'm instead writing another series to document the same fantasy, but with more realistic expectations. (I'm writing a lot on writing down fantasies because I've found it SO useful in my life. That was a 4-part series I wrote, but since last year, I now have ideas for ALMOST EIGHTY (eight-zero, 80) new chapters of things I hope to do with my future wife!)
On a separate topic, you noted this website makes you a little uncomfortable. That's fine! It made me a little uncomfortable at first too! But that was overcome when I realized how all of these stories were acting to inspire me. They showed what a healthy marriage should be like, and showed me some of the amazing treasures there are to look forward to in marriage!
To conclude, welcome to MarriageHeat! I pray God uses this site and it's community to shape you into a wonderful husband for your future wife. And don't be afraid to interact and ask more questions! There are lots of people with knowledge and/or experience who are eager to help you! 🙂
In a nutshell I would say:
1. Masterbate regularly but
2. Never use erotica or pictures of people having sex or nudity. The eye is never satisfied. It will eventually crave more and more different pictures. This will not just disappear after marriage. Studies show a significant number of young men are "digitally castrated" they cannot be aroused by a real woman. They need pixilated images and ever more different and extreme images.
3. Don't use real women friends, neighbor, movie stars etc. It will twist and warp your perception of them.
4. Use nameless faceless mental images. It's quite easy.
5. As a young man, one can masterbate largely by physical sensation and images are not as necessary as one might think.
6. Take care of the rest of your life and prepare for marriage: Your career so you can provide. Your social skills, your hygiene and appearance, your communication skills.
7. Becoming"sexually aware and skilled" before marriage is often an excuse to justify our obsession with sex. Beyond the basics, it can become just food for the sex drive. You probably know the basics already. Learn the details with your new wife together.
Even this site doesn't fully reflect the day to day reality of married sex. It is mostly highlights of the"Wilder" moments.
In conclusion. Relax masterbate wisely with some self-control, excluding real people in their various forms and put most of your efforts into the rest of your life. Become the "person" someone would want to marry. Not just a sexual one.
I have a lot of personal opinions about erotica (written, artistic, & photographic), but I’m not going to dump that here. I just want to applaud this community for having a civil conversation and sharing convictions in a humble and caring way. I love the MH peeps!
To the OP, good questions. No one has all their sh** figured out, especially sexually. But your issues are not new. And NO ONE (not even John Piper) has the one true authoritative interpretation of God’s will (or His Word). So keep seeking and searching. Do the things that “invest” in your future marriage. Does a porn addiction serve your marriage? Of course not (and neither does an alcohol, drug, or gambling addiction, btw). • Maybe it helps to flip the script. If you were courting your future wife, would you be grieved to find out she was masturbating regularly? (My guess is “no”.) Would you be grieved if she had a porn addiction? (My guess is “yes”.) Would you be grieved if she occasionally masturbated while seeing a sex scene in a movie or a hot male model in a magazine? (Answers may vary, but most I know would say “no”.) Start with the mindset of serving your future marriage. [PHIL 2:2-3]
There are some thoughts I have on this as well regarding use of masturbation. It is a gift that God designed into our bodies so that we can regulate our sexual desires that hormones create, and also so we can take time to enjoy our own bodies since they are a gift to us from God.
I posted a few years ago about Sacrosexual worship as a married couple, but I also have realized that single or divorced people can also worship by giving an offering of living seed as worship, or at least offering their orgasm as worship to God. God created those things and so they can be offered back to Him as worship.
Regarding erotica, the Holy Spirit breathed out an entire book of Scripture that is straight out erotica. If erotica is wrong, God would not have included the Song of Songs in the Bible. In ancient terms, it describes oral stimulation, self-stimulation, and intercourse. The wedding isn't until chapter 4, so much of the activity is premarital. The Law allowed sex between those who were betrothed but just specified that if it happened they could never divorce for any reason.
Sex in the Bible is that activity that would remove virginity and make a baby. Period. Anything else is not sex by the biblical definition.
So-called porn that would be forbidden would be depictions of activity that God has forbidden. These would include incest, bestiality, anal penetration, gay males, etc. As long as it is not depicting an act that is considered verboten, you can use it to enhance stimulation and use the result of the activity as an act of worship.
Hope that helps.
I want to comment on your list of prohibited acts. As far as I know, in the Bible, anal penetration is only referenced in the context of homosexuality, never as the primary subject of a commandment or prohibition. In fact, I believe it's only ever implied by reference to homosexuality and never mentioned explicitly. From my study, it's the homosexuality that's wrong, not anal penetration, because it's never condemned in a heterosexual context.
Also, I would note that Romans 1:26-27 makes fairly clear that both male and female homosexuality is wrong.
Finally, just because a given sex act is not biblically prohibited doesn't necessarily make it okay to watch. For example, adultery is just as wrong as homosexuality, even though homosexual intercourse is prohibited and heterosexual intercourse is called good. In a sinful context (adultery, premarital sex, incest, etc.) a normally good act is still sinful, which means if we want to honor God, we should not be honoring and enjoying what deeply grieves him and what he despises.
I'm not sure what all the ramifications of this idea are, but doesn't it make sense that we shouldn't enjoy what God hates?