Loose the Tiger

The response to my recent post “How Often is Enough – and Why?” was eye-opening. Many people told tales of dead bedrooms and spouses uninterested in improving the situation. My wife and I wrote a series of messages that we used to minister to wives who were battling in their marriages. Some had problems with husbands who had no interest in making love. Others suffered from low libido. Though written from a woman’s point of view and directed to women, the relationship advice in Part 1 applies to either sex. Perhaps, after putting that into practice, a man could print out both parts and get his wife to read it, too. We hope that this will help many of you and open a platform for discussion.

A relationship is like a very intricate, living puzzle.

It consists of a combination of personalities or pieces, but has a life of its own. A corporation or business requires dedication and concentration if it is to grow. So too does a relationship between two people. But a good marriage does not ‘happen.’ It is created!! Unions without that dedication and effort will not likely have frequent or adventurous sex.

1 Cor. 13:4-8 says, “Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

We have to make the decision that we treasure our relationship, and it is important enough for us to work on. Perhaps, I don’t feel like a walk on the beach today. But my marriage needs a walk on the beach, so I will take that walk on the beach.

Genesis 24:67 – “Then Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and he took Rebekah, and she became his wife, and he loved her…”

To me, this paints such a different picture than what the world presents us with. Isaac loved his wife because of the marriage, NOT the other way around. Love your partner because of the marriage. Choose to love each other because you are married. So often, we hear people say: I don’t love him/her anymore.

Let me burst that bubble: It is not Biblical. OK?

Happy marriages usually give us the impression that they “have it easy.” But few people realize how much hard work and effort has gone into that happy marriage. We see only the fruit. The deep roots that have been planted with sweat and tears and much prayer are less evident.

Our happiness is determined by ourselves and not by our partner. It is a choice we make about how we react to our circumstances. We cannot change another person. We can only improve ourselves. But this change in our own lives often creates change in our partners as well.

Remember: Your partner is just a mirror of yourself. He/She reflects what you pour into him/her.

If the rest of what I am going to share is to have ANY value for you, you first have to make the following Scripture your own. Read it! Believe it! Trust it! And then DO IT!

James 2:18, 20, and 26 – “But someone may well say, “You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works.” (20) But are you willing to recognize, you foolish fellow, that faith without works is useless? (26) For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead.”

You may believe this is true. You may tell all your friends about it. You may even pray about it every day. But if you DO NOT DO THE THINGS that I will share, it will be of NO VALUE to you.

How can I “change” my husband into prince charming? How can I get my wife to desire sex with me?

First, let’s consider the use of words. Do you belittle or embarrass your spouse? Do you perhaps try to “get back at” him or her by breaking down their worth in the eyes of others? Do you realize that to do so cements a lack of respect in your own heart? Even if they don’t ever hear what you say about them to others, they suffer the consequences. That will affect their behavior.

Proverbs 18:21 – “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”

We often only refer to the negative element of the abuse of the tongue. But we hardly speak about the positive aspects – THE LIFE – that we can give/create with our language. I believe the Bible challenges us to use our tongues to speak life into people. We can be life-givers! No, we have been called to be life-givers!!

I have read a brilliant book, one very helpful to people who do what we are doing (mending marriages). I BEG you all to get this book and to read it, reread it, and read it again! It’s called Whale Done!: The Power of Positive Relationships by Ken Blanchard, et al. This is a must-read for every person who wants to change the way they are living. It’s a story about how SeaWorld uses positive reinforcement and redirection to train killer whales. It also shows how we can apply those principles to our family (and work) relationships.

Most of the husbands and wives who come to us for counseling know only negative attention. They have been hammered, insulted, punished, and humiliated. Perhaps they have been screamed at and made to believe that they are dumb and stupid. The list is endless. If you can touch your spouse’s spirit and make him or her believe that ‘they can,’ you will change their lives forever.

But how? It is very easy! DO NOT SAY NEGATIVE THINGS! Search for things they do right and make a big issue out of it. When they do poorly, go back to the time when they did something good and call it GREAT. Show them HOPE and tell them who they are (can be) and not who they think they are.

Please note. This is not “you” changing the “other” person. This is “you” changing “your” behavior. This will help allow God to use you to change the other person.

I decided that:

I do not have to settle for a mediocre life.
I do not have to settle for a run-of-the-mill relationship.
I do not have to settle for weeds when I can have a garden.
I do not have to settle for crumbs when I can have a feast.
I do not have to be unhappy for the rest of my life!
My attitude can change, and this improvement can help those around me to change as well. SO… I have to use what I have to change my circumstances.

Part two, below, is directed more to the ladies. But men may gain some insights as well.

Can I Change my Husband?

I reiterate: We can not change another person. We can only change ourselves.

We need to understand how our reactions to our circumstances, and especially to our husbands, can influence or affect them. Let’s first answer this question:

Why do men fall in love?

They fall in love because of the Superman Factor.

Here is the most common answer that men give us as a reason why they fell in love with their wife (or even why they cheated with another woman). “She made me feel stronger, more capable, more intelligent, sexier, and more knowledgeable than I have felt about myself for years.”

If this is true, why do we women stop doing that after we marry? Why do some of us stop noticing and praising our husband’s good qualities? Why do we gradually begin to break him down and never praise him?

Make your Husband your Hero Forever

For every action, there is a reaction. Ladies, we must learn to react in a positive way and stop being judgmental. When we concentrate on our husband’s strengths instead of his weaknesses, more positive behavior will result. And we will start enjoying him again.

I have heard so many women say: There is a lot about my husband-to-be that I do not like. But wait until we are married. You will see how much I will change him. The strange thing is that the husbands do not change!!

Men, on the other hand, say: I feel like a king when I am with her, I hope she never changes. The strange thing is that she does change!!

WHAT is wrong with us? Why do we want to change our men???

Could it be that God has given us the perfect husband to help us develop into the woman of God we need to become? We rub off against each other in order for each one of us to shine. Iron sharpens iron.

God Never Says: Oops!!!

God sent out His disciples two-by-two. Where can you get a more perfect team than a husband and wife? We are so unique in our differences that we complement each other. It is so wrong to judge someone just because his or her thinking is different from ours. Why do we have more patience with other people than with our husbands?

Action Assignment #1 – Make frequent Deposits.

A problem that I see with relationships is that we write “Bad Checks” in our marriages. What do I mean by that? Well, we want to withdraw more from the relationship than we ever deposit into it. A bank account cannot handle that type of treatment and a relationship can’t either! We must deposit positive things into our marriages every day. That way, we will be able to withdraw positive things from it.

Tell your husband how glad you are that he is part of your life and how lucky you are to have him. Just slip your arms around his waist and say it.

Tell him you love him just the way he is and that you would not exchange him for any other man in the whole wide world.

Show your love and need for him. Remember that most men desire that their wives should make the first move from time to time. When last did you initiate sex with your husband?

Sex Objects

I don’t know how many of you have noticed that the minute you compliment a man, he thinks it is his ticket to free sex. Do you know why? Because they are not accustomed to receiving positive input. Men very seldom get compliments.

Think about how often we ladies receive compliments. Our friends, co-workers, children, and others notice us. And they comment on a new hairstyle, weight-loss, a new outfit, etc. Men very seldom hear any compliments. Men rarely compliment other men. We need to notice our men:

Notice his muscular legs.
Notice his masculine chest.
Notice his handsome face.
Notice his sexy eyes.
Notice his beautiful smile.
Notice his broad shoulders.
Notice his deep voice.
Notice his penis and appreciate it.
Notice HIM! And let him know that you see these things!!

Another way you can let him know you appreciate his physical appearance is to stare at him until he asks, “What’s wrong?” or “Why are you staring at me?” You can say, “I like what I see!” And then watch him melt.

More important: NOTICE his intelligence, his problem solving, how he protects you. Recognize, out loud, how easy it is to run to him for protection. Does he do a good job of representing Abba Father to the children? Does he lead the family with biblical foundations? Tell him how much you appreciate that about him. Champion your husband!

We All Want to Matter

One of the most rewarding feelings we can have comes from touching someone in a meaningful way. Let your life count in such a way that, because of you, another’s world improves. We all want to matter in a positive way. But rather than not matter at all, we often choose to make a negative difference. So many women have the attitude: I’ll show you, buddy!!

The Best Kept Secret About Men

Inside every man–no matter how old, successful, or powerful–there is a little boy who wants to be loved. He needs to feel he’s special. A woman who knows that is a woman who knows a powerful secret. A man wants to know that he matters to you more than anyone else in the world. He wants to matter to you more than your parents, more than your children, and more than your job.

Action assignment # 2 – Make him feel like a sex object.

Make sure that once a day you give your love a compliment.

Compliment him for the things he does.
Compliment him on the things he says.
Compliment him on the things he stands for.
And let him hear you compliment him to others!
I hope by now you’ve got the idea. Everything and anything should be noticed and commented on in a positive way. Give your best to the people you love the most. And even if you are not feeling it at the moment, try to be sincere.

The definition of “APPRECIATE” – to increase in value. Increase the value of your lover (in his eyes, those of others, and your own) by giving him praise, compliments, and appreciation.

Romance is a Decision

True romance is deciding to let your mate know in many ways that he means more to you than anyone else in the world. It is saying, “I will do anything in my power to let you know that you are loved and that you make a difference in my life.”

You must make a decision that you will have a lifetime affair with your mate. For this to last, have a “date night” at least once a week. On that date night, decide not to have anyone else around except the two of you. Even if you have to lock yourselves in your house/room and get wild.

Lovers at the Start, Lovers ‘til the End

When you first fall in love, you and your man see each other only as lovers. The time you spend together is intimate and very precious. Then the years go by, and you become more and more entrenched in the role of wife, mother, professional and… and… and. You suddenly realize that you are sitting across the dinner table from a stranger. Don’t let that happen. To keep the romance in your relationship, you must be only his lover at least some of the time!!

Creating a Memory

Planning a surprise for your mate is one straightforward way to show that you really care. This will create a memory at the same time. The one on the receiving end gets to enjoy it while it lasts or as a memory. But you’ll have the added pleasure of planning and executing the entire event.

His Needs, Your Needs

To put it bluntly, a man gives love for sex, and a woman gives sex for love. Yes, it’s cliche, but it tends to hold true, as we see it. So what is the solution to this dilemma? The answer lies in your ability to understand that, although his way of loving is different than yours, he still loves you. Many women wonder how there can be sex without love. But my question to you is, how can there be love without sex.

Remember this important principle. For a man to give to you emotionally, he has to have his physical needs fulfilled. He needs to know that you desire him sexually. For most men, sex is the most important confirmation of your love and his self-worth. It is only when he feels fulfilled that he will consider your emotional needs.

Set the Stage for Love

Music is an excellent way to stimulate the senses and create a particular mood. You can experiment with music. Be creative.

Be His Fantasy

Create a romantic feeling with visual stimulation. Keep in mind that most men are very stimulated by what they see: think wet T-shirt, sexy negligee… Consider meeting him at the door au natural. (Yes ladies, I mean in your birthday suit, naked!)

You might think: WHY is it always the woman? The answer is because most men have never learned how to be romantic. They need to be taught. Many men are accustomed to operating out of the logical side of the brain. It is the woman who buys the romantic novels and reads the love stories. ROMANCE is an acquired skill. Although falling in love might just happen, having a loving relationship does not. Having a loving relationship requires skill and knowledge. You can either lead by “telling” or by “showing.” Our advice is DO first, then TEACH.

Later, you can ask him in a non-threatening way to try his hand at returning the favor. Keep in mind that he must feel completely safe before he will try something that feels foreign to him.

Are You a Perfect 10? Or not?

Before we can go any further, we have to talk about that perfect 10 body… that you and I do NOT have!!!

It breaks my heart that nearly all women have this negative idea about themselves. My husband and I once watched a Miss Universe Beauty Pageant. They asked the Top Ten Finalists to rate themselves on a scale of 1 to 10. These were ten of the most beautiful, most exquisite, sexiest women to walk the face of the earth! And the one that rated herself the HIGHEST only gave herself a 6!! (And you could see in her eyes that she actually thought she was just a 5.)

Ladies, let us get something in our heads. Being a perfect ten IS NOT REQUIRED TO BE SEXY!!!! Start accepting yourself and enjoying your own ‘womanliness’ (I can’t think of a better word). If you allow yourself to love, enjoy, and flirt with your own husband, you will see that you are a perfect ten in his eyes. As we get older, we lose much of the attractiveness of youth. And if we only had that type of beauty to rely on, our sense of sexiness would be very short-lived indeed.

I have learned to use what God has given me to titillate my husband. I want him to find excitement in me and my body every day for the rest of his life. Men are quite visual in their approach. So dress up for him. Move your body in a way that is exciting for him. Put on something daring and watch his eyes glow with excitement. We have the saying, “It’s the same lolly, but in a new wrapper!”

Remember, you are the perfect 10! Use it or lose it!

Keep the Fire Lit

In our post entitled “Keep the Home Fires Burning,” we gave many examples of ‘naughty’ ideas that you can use. Not all were our own. Why not think up your own ‘games’ and write them down? More than half the fun is in the planning.

Action Assignment: #3 – Continue the Love Affair

On a regular basis, find creative ways to show your spouse how much you want to have a love affair with him.

It is also crucial that you do things together. Do a paint project, an art project, a new garden, games (cards, board games), or Bible study on a specific topic. Something that is not sexual, but will build your relationship.

And remember: Never postpone happiness. Choose it!

(All scripture quotations are from the NASB unless otherwise noted.)

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12 replies
  1. Southernheat says:

    Well said! Great article! I like the part about the bounced check. So true you can’t take out what you don’t put into it. Also, don’t try to change each other. Keep doing the things you did to *get* your spouse so you can *keep* them. Above all, the golden rule really should be simple; to treat each other how you want to be treated with respect, love, and care.

  2. Waiting_Romeo says:

    Wow.. This article hit home in so many ways. Even though I’m a guy, it helped me realize the many things I’m longing for when I find the right woman some day. And also some ways I’ll be able to communicate my wants/needs. Thank you for posting this!!

  3. JustAnotherMan says:

    I created an account to say this. I would happily initiate most of the time if I had an indication it wouldn't be rejected. Women, letting your man know you won't turn him down will get you pursued.

  4. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    Responding favorably to my husband's advances wasn't always easy for me. But one day my husband explained to me that every time he touches me sexually, he isn't asking for sex. He just likes to touch me and have me respond with pleasure and return his attention. It turns him on and he hopes it turns me on, but he is perfectly happy to leave it at that until a more opportune moment for both of us. Until then, I didn't want to respond because I thought he wouldn't be satisfied until we had sex. That he was expecting it, and it kinda put a damper on my responses because it felt like just one more thing on my to-do list. Knowing that the kisses and caresses themselves and my responding to them with pleasure are what he's seeking has made all the difference. Now when I'm washing dishes and he wraps his arms around me from behind and runs his hands from my thighs to my breasts, I can relax a moment and push my hips back into him, feeling him start to harden. After a few moments, we break apart. He knows he's accepted. That I know he desires me and I reciprocate, even though now is not the time. And later, when the opportunity arises and he reaches for me, I have that stored feeling of adoration to draw from in welcoming him into my embrace. Yes, I'm tired. It's been a long day for both of us. But my husband wants me. Wants ME, all of me. Not just my services, but oneness with me and to give me pleasure. And it's not for his ego's sake, but because he loves me.

    • ClimaXX says:

      I have so much sympathy with the mother who is a housewife AND who works AND who has to do washing AND who has to cook and, and, and …… then we want you to make love to me as well. I know it is difficult, but I still want to say, "My dear wife, If that is the case, then maybe you can tell me that you have no strength, but that you would enjoy lying back and just feeling my love for you."
      There are times when we must be the one serving without asking for anything in return. Make your wife orgasm. Allow her to relax. Bring her a mug of coffee or a glass of the red stuff.

  5. nashoba says:

    Hello Climaxx,
    Let me say that I agree with the vast majority of what you say here. However, let me pull out the following quote: “ We can only improve ourselves. But this change in our own lives often creates change in our partners as well.”
    From this quote, let me highlight the word “often”. While it’s true that a positive change in ourselves does “often” create a positive change in our spouse, it is also true that “often” it does not. Sometimes the spouse is simply unwilling or unable to change. There is only so much one can change about themselves before becoming someone they do not recognize. This is especially true when no apparent change occurs in the spouse. When this happens, it brings despair, loneliness, and isolation. I know that none of this is in your realm of control, but there are those of us who want nothing more than to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with their spouse only to find that it seems increasingly less possible. I don’t want to bring rain to the life of anyone looking forward with hope, but for some at least, hope has failed and life has wilted.

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