I’m a single Christian woman, and a mature follower of Christ. I’ve known and loved God my whole life and, through a lot of suffering in my family, I’ve come to trust Jesus with my whole life. I’m not married, but desire to be. I'm doing everything I can to put myself in the way of finding a boyfriend and eventually a spouse. But I’m struggling with that time of the month right before my cycle. That's when my hormones are very active and I need a sexual release. I’ve tried praying it away, but I know that’s not realistic. I know my body is designed by God to work this way. It’s like my body is saying it’s time to make a baby now.
I found this website a year ago, and it has helped me to get that sexual release. But then I started moving into watching not "hard porn" but sexual position videos, which allow me to orgasm.
I don’t feel comfortable masturbating. I want to save that for my husband and me to explore together. The problem is that I feel like I’m disappointing God because I continue to engage in watching those videos at that time of the month. I don’t ever feel like watching it outside of that time frame, so I don’t feel like I'm addicted to porn. But when it’s that time, I feel really uncomfortable if I can’t have the release.
I have talked to my counselor about this and she completely understood. She said that it’s normal to feel this way. She said to pray for forgiveness and not dwell on it. She didn’t recommend this, but I asked her to set a passcode on an app to block these sites. And that worked for a while. But then I had one cycle with a really strong hormonal swing, and I deleted it. I need advice. Is what I’m doing wrong if I only watch porn at that time of the month?