Sex Language Question (L)
Hello, MH. Dean here. Hope you’re alright.
Just making this post to put forward a question to you all regarding a topic that I am pretty torn on… well, maybe more against perhaps. It’s regarding what kind of language, words, and terms are okay and not okay regarding sex. I’m not talking about swear words per-say cause they seem pretty normal and even accepted during sex. However, I am talking about words that would seem derogatory to many.
Now excuse me for putting these words forward. But for the sake of the post, I feel I must. Regarding derogatory terms such as slut, whore, cunt, and bitch, are these terms acceptable to say during sex in some instances or flat out not okay at all? That’s the question I want to present in this post. Personally, I do not approve of these terms because of the derogatory nature of them, and I haven’t seen too many posts here that use them.
I’ll leave it up to you, MH! Thanks.
Stay sexy and God bless,
Dean
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As someone that has had trouble using some words during sex, I understand your point. For me it’s about pleasing the other person, compromise and trying new things. But in the end if a word displeases you that much you need your partner to understand. But most “dirty” words the meaning differs based on intent. The F word has almost unlimited meanings. The words you list aren’t necessarily demeaning. But if they help raise pleasure level I will attempt to use them.
Dean,
How are you, sir? Hope all is well.
Ben and I enjoy using rough language during our sex play. It turns us both on. "Bitch" and "Bastard" among them. For instance, I sometimes will call him a " big dick bastard " or he will call me a " cock hungry bitch ". We don't view this as derogatory because it's not being used in anger, but as part of our sex language. Sometimes he will call me his "naughty whore" but it doesn't mean he thinks that I am a "whore" in a demeaning way and I don't take it as such.
Alot of sexual terms can be degrading if used in anger. If you call someone a "pussy" or a "dick", that could be considered degrading. I won't say it here because of MH policy, but the "MF" word is sometimes uttered in our sex language. But never in a demeaning way . Of course, even the "F" word can be degrading if used in anger.
Like I said, it is all in the way you use such terms. Thanks for posting and stay horny, my dear!
? GG
We only use such language in the bedroom and never use the Lord's name in vain. Forgot to mention this.
GG, I'm curious about your view on this point. I generally think the same way, but there are a couple of things that make me think it might be okay to use "God" during sex.
First, I've started thinking of it as a term of praise. For example, the phrase "Oh my God, baby, that feels so good" would means a couple of things. It tells your spouse they are succeeding at pleasing you, and praises God for the pleasure you are experiencing and the spouse you get to experience it with.
As long as it's respectful, I think it could even be used in other serious contexts. For example, you could say "God you're so beautiful, my love" or "God I love you, baby" to your spouse, using "God" as an emphasis. In my mind, this would constitute praising God and consciously calling on him to witness something. Of course, we know he already sees everything, but I think it's useful and beautiful to consciously recognize God as the one who orchestrates the best moments of our lives and thank him for them.
The examples I mentioned would be much like praying "God, I so deeply love the spouse you have given me," but instead speaking directly to your spouse and making the prayer implicit rather than explicit.I think this can all change depending on what you mean by the words you speak. Whenever I bring God's name into a statement like those above, I choose to mean "God, I thank and praise you for this moment."
I've not studied this next point thoroughly, but I've heard it argued that "taking God's name in vain" may not mean just using the word "God" casually. It might mean "Falsely (or 'vainly') attributing God's name and authority to an idea that he doesn't support." This would be wrong because it's lie, an attempted usurpation of his authority, and a denial of God's goodness by attributing to God (holy) something that is not from God (unholy). THAT may be the sin, rather than saying "God" when you're not solemnly speaking directly to or about him.
I understand if the first argument seems a little subjective, but I hope it's at least a coherent point.
I agree with PatientPassion. I do not believe that a word can take the Lord's name in vain. I believe that speaking falsely about God is the context of taking His name in vain.
I for instance telling a person that God wants to kill them, or that God hates them. Basically if you attribute something to God that goes against what Jesus said about who God is, Jesus being the perfect representation of the Father.
I don’t think one can offend God with a word, however speaking falsely about Him can mislead others and that is a Great offense to Him.
PatientPassion said "I've not studied this next point thoroughly, but I've heard it argued that "taking God's name in vain" may not mean just using the word "God" casually. It might mean 'Falsely (or 'vainly') attributing God's name and authority to an idea that he doesn't support.' "
I have studied this too and that is also my conclusion. Strictly speaking, the commandment is addressing swearing falsely on God's name, not casual use of the word "God," Although I agree that doing so is not a good idea.
By the way, "God" is his title, not actually His name.
Anyway, when sex is really good or meaningful or my wife is looking really hot, I will say "Oh my God", meaning it as a praise as in the first line of the hymn "How Great Thou Art" which may be based on Psalms 8:3 "When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, The moon and the stars, which You have ordained"
I read somewhere that crying out to deities during orgasm in a common cross-cultural phenomenon. Yes, it is that good!
Oh, boy! Mmhhmm.
My husband and I both really like to use these words occasionally, though maybe with the exception of "bitch," we haven't really used that one. I guess we just haven't found that one to be all that much of a turn-on in most situations.
Actually, maybe within certain fantasy or role-play it would be hot. For example maybe using that word "bitch" in something like a BDSM situation, or role-play or fantasy where he's 'forcing' me to bend over and get pounded doggystyle… Or to suck and slobber on his big cock… Just only giving a few examples, bear in mind.
But "slut," "whore," "cunt," certainly!!! Whether these words come out of my mouth or hubby's, they're definitely a part of our sexual vocab and dirty talk. It would probably always be nothing less than a huge turn-on. Given that, at least with us, either of us would usually pretty much know if it's appropriate in the moment.
Actually, I even use the words "slut," and "cunt" even when we're not engaging in something sexual. I sometimes will tell him I'm his slut even while not having sex.
There is absolutely nothing degrading about these words in the way that we use them and what we mean when using them. We love each other more than this world and would never want to say hurtful things.
Now, to give some context in the way we use these words, I'll give you some actual quotes.
When sexting or flirting with him, I'll say things like "When I get home I'm going to ride your cock and moan like a little dirty whore."
Or…
While on my knees giving him a wonderful blowjob, I'll say things like "I'm such a filthy little slut," "I'm such a nasty little slut for you."
Or…
When I'm riding his cock and/or getting pounded, among many, many, other dirty and naughty things, I'll say things like "Ohh, F*** yes! Taking it so well. Just like a good little slut" or I'd say "Yes, yes, yes! Such a cock-hungry whore!!"
As you probably might have noticed, often times I like to leave out the words showing personal possession. So when I don't say "Your," or "for you," I find it it's even more of a turn-on. But those words are implied even when I don't speak them because I am truly only HIS and a slut/whore FOR HIM ONLY.
Oh my actual fuck… Lila … my cock is hard again just at the thought of you telling your hubby to pound your tight cunt!
I honestly think you have the most magnificent mind…
Reading you always makes me throb 🙂
Those words should not be used (outside the marriage bed). Inside a loving marriage, those words can become more “play.” Since you, Dean, are not married, you should continue to be against those words. If things change after marriage, fine, if that’s where the play time goes. Otherwise, it’s okay if you don’t have every nook and cranny of marriage sex researched thoroughly. There’s a LOT that will be uniquely defined by your unique relationship.
It depends on your relationship. My wife and I use slut, cunt, whore, and talk about a lot of other things that even MH won't let fly, when we are fore-playing and fucking each other's brains out. But then after orgasm, we both find that all those words, etc. fly away into the wind. We sense God's presence and read the Bible. We feel clean.
But, prayerfully do what you want to do.
It's an individual experience.
Definitely NOT OK!
I need to add that my comment is just us. We certainly wouldn't judge others who get excitement from such language.
I think it depends on what you both mutually agree on.
I agree. And I would go further to say it depends on what you agree on for the moment. There have been times, with me on my knees while he stood over me and slapped his cock against my hungry lips, when I was happy to be called his slut. But there are times when I need to be reassured of his true opinion of me, that I'm a loving, giving wife who meets my husband's needs. Then there are other times when I need to feel in charge of my own sexuality and might use words that claim him as my own sex object. If either of us isn't in the mood for "rough language" as GG called it, we just say so. We love each other and try not to put our own desires above the other's needs (especially emotional ones) of the moment. And those needs and desires change over time and depending on circumstances.
I wouldn't expect newlyweds to enjoy talk like this, though. They are still building their relationship and trust, learning to love and respect each other unconditionally. When they reach a certain level of comfort, they might try words like this and talk about it after, find out how it felt in the moment and how they feel about it after. Open, honest communication is key! If it hurts in any way, then to do so isn't love.
When having sex with your wife, fantasizing that you are having sex with a prostitute or a promiscuous woman would be adultery of the heart to me. Calling my wife a whore or a slut during sex seems very close to an adultery fantasy. Calling her that at any other time would be just plain derogatory and cheapen the pure life she has lived.
There are other ways to convey the ideas that whore, slut, bitch, etc. imply (that your or your partner likes lots of sex, are sexually aggressive and/or submissive, enjoy sex just for the physical aspect of it sometimes, and are skilled at sex.) My wife sometimes calls me HER boy toy. Sometimes we refer to each other as fuck buddies, which we are. Exclusive, lifetime fuck buddies 🙂
"Sometimes we refer to each other as fuck buddies, which we are. Exclusive, lifetime fuck buddies ?"
I ? this!
Boy toy is generally considered a younger unmarried partner for a rich older woman, usually married to someone that does not give her sufficient attention. Some might consider that an adulterous fantasy that degrades you. Fuck buddies are unmarried friends that have sex.
I am sure that in none of the cases was anyone thinking in the adulterous definitions when using the terms like slut nor boy toy. When you are looking for something bad about what others do one can find it. I would hope we assume the best about others not the worst.
Hi Marge. Thanks for your comments.
"When you are looking for something bad about what others do one can find it. I would hope we assume the best about others not the worst." I agree. My reply was meant only for Dean (although I welcome discussion :-)). It's how I feel and what I believe. It is not my intent to disparage anyone else who disagrees. I can't presume to know what anyone else is thinking. Perhaps I should have asked questions before posting a minority opinion.
Point taken about the terms we use. I don't know where she heard the term "boy toy" and if she understands all the implications. We are facing difficult circumstances outside the marriage bed which affects our sex life and makes loving and romantic sex more difficult. That may be affecting the terms we use. We used them even when everything was great, but seem to be using them more now.
ILM
Of course you are entitled to your opinion and to post it without asking permission. But I found your logic convoluted and felt the need to point that out. […] If I overstepped, accept my apology.
Maybe I became overly sensitive because of reading too many comments of “this is bad you shouldn’t do it”. Words have different meaning when used in different ways and times. I think bringing adultery into the use of any of the words discussed is so ridiculous it shouldn’t be considered.
I’m sorry for your marital problems. I hope you work them out with God’s help.
Thanks Marge. No apology needed, you did nothing to apologize for.
A prayer for our marriage would be greatly appreciated.
I can't say what is going thru her head, but my logic behind the use of these terms is this: They are technically accurate. We ARE buddies. It also conveys the idea that I don't have sex with her just because she is my only moral option. Even if she weren't my only option, I would still very much want to do it with her.
As for "boy toy", I pay her a lot of attention and do my best to rock her world. A husband can be a boy toy too IOW. Also, I provide some of same services that her sex toy provides, but hopefully I am better overall :-).
I think it totally depends on your personality and what you find exciting. My wife actually likes to play it shy and "demure". So for her, explicit words would be a turn-off even though, otherwise, I have no objection. So we keep it very low key. The most explicit thing she ever said to me was "could you put your tongue into my vagina?" And I like it like that. Sometimes I like to say things like "I'm going to shoot inside you, honey". But that's about it.
ILoveMarriage,
When Ben and I use terms like whore, slut and the like, it is not to live out some sort fantasy. We use thes terms for turn on purposes. Nothing we say in the bedroom during sex is in anyway meant to be demeaning and I do not take it as such.
We never use these terms outside of our bedroom. I agree everyone should have their boundaries on what is acceptable to them. I know there are alot of readers who stay away from my stories due to the language. And that is ok. I don't expect everyone to like my stories.
When I write my stories, it is with a deep love in my heart for my husband. I'm not saying anyone is being critical of my stories in this discussion. I just want readers to know that I don't write the way I write just to be "dirty" or for shock value. I try to write an accurate account of our sex life and passion for one another. What is a turn on for us, may not be for others. Set your own boundaries and follow your heart.
God bless and stay horny always!
? Gina ( GG )
I don’t see anything wrong with couples that respectfully engage in using the language, in fact, it appears that those that do have great sexual relationships. To that point, maintain the excitement, and as GG would say “stay horny”. Don’t change if you and your spouse are loving each other.
In my relationship it might be a little comical to my sexually conservative wife if I used the language after 25 years. We utter the “F” word from time to time, but that’s about it. Who knows, sometime when the kids are away, maybe I’ll try the comical approach and expand our bedroom vocabulary 🙂
Here's a summary of the standard I use on this issue: if a word is not meant to be derogatory, is not taken as such, and both spouses agree on the boundaries of its use, it's fine to use.
Words like "slut," "whore" and "bitch" are normally meant to demean someone as sexually promiscuous. But in the context of a healthy and committed marriage, I think they can be redefined to mean something like, "a woman who is extremely eager to have sex," or "a woman who is overcome with desire for her husband." A similar pattern follows for other words: redefining "bad" words to have "good" meaning, but keeping the excitement of saying "bad" words.
One caveat is that I think these words should be carefully kept to sexual play. They can even be used while not having sex, as long as it's in that sexual context and no one else might hear and/or misinterpret what is being said. I suppose they could be used elsewhere too as long as it's not with malicious or degrading intent, but no examples come to mind.
Of course, if one spouse feels uncomfortable saying or hearing certain words, or just dislikes them for some unidentified reason, they should be left unsaid. They should be used to bring variety or enhance a sex in marriage, so if they don't serve that purpose, they shouldn't be used.
It's mostly up to each couple to decide that particular dynamic of their sexual relationship. The only requirement is that everything is done and said in love to each other.
Thank you, everyone, for your opinions, experiences, and suggestions. I thought this was a question that should be raised and knew it would garner various responses. I will continue my stance on these words. Things can change over time but right now things will stay as they are.
Thanks and God bless,
Dean.
Hi, all. We added a poll to the end of the post above. We'd love your feedback using it, even if you've already commented. And if you have other suggestions, you can mention them in the comments and we'll add them to the poll. Wish we had thought of it sooner…
Language is a very interesting topic. The use of spoken words is one form of how we convey messages. We also use facial expressions, body posturing, hand gestures and guttural grunting/hissing/sighing. Most humans use all of these forms simultaneously with very little conscious thought to choreograph the presentation. Sometimes we choose hand gestures with specific intent, i.e., the middle finger or thumbing the nose. As a former state police officer, I would frequently use hand gestures to direct traffic (we were trained in the exacting use) and I would use body posturing to force individuals into specific moods/feelings to set the tone of the encounter. But vocal choices are usually given more thought than all of the other means and methods of message conveyance. I frequently chose my words carefully to not only comply with very specific rules of law, but also to ensure that my messages were not ambiguous so as to invite compliance. So, the spoken word is very important!
NOW…..where did we get all of these "dirty words"? And, who decides which word is "dirty"? Allow me to draw attention to a couple of words here. Let us start with the word ejaculate. Well, there you go. Do you have a mental picture? I am confident everyone's mind went straight to something sexual. The reality is that ejaculate was once used to speak of something that was put forth rapidly/quickly. As a matter of fact, ejaculate, in the 1800's, was used to indicate a quick or spontaneous prayer, often used in conjunction with the pastor. Now, who among you would give testimony that their pastor ejaculated this past Sunday? The word eventually was borrowed by the medical community and I surmise their usage curtailed everyone else's usage due to the obvious uneasiness the medical use conferred. Another interesting word is "pee". Who uses the word "Pee"? Got a mental picture? Did you know that to "pee", in the 1800's, meant to peer or look with one eye? Anyone ever heard of the "one-eyed monster"? It seems that somewhere along through time and space word definitions evolve. Sometimes this evolution is due to a new and different usage of a word like the examples above. Some of the angst with some words is due to the short or long vowel sounds. In most occasions you can say that your child needs to pee, but do not say that he/she needs to piss. Yet, "piss" was a proper word in the 1800's meaning, "To discharge the liquor secreted by the kidneys and lodged in the urinary bladder". So, why can we ask a small child if he/she needs to pee but we will refrain from asking if he/she needs to piss? It was appropriate in 1828, according to Noah Webster! The British will say "shite"(misspelled to invoke long vowel sound for the reader) and it seems more palatable than shit (short vowel sound). Long vowel sounds are a bit kinder and melodic to the ear. Poot seems to be okay but fart is a little harsh when spoken in Elementary school. Have you ever heard some one say, "Your name is mud!" That is a reference to Dr. Mudd. He helped Abraham Lincoln's murderer. Whether innocently helping a patient or conspiracy will be debated. But his name has since been used as an impending derogatory reference. Language is weird and it evolves in ways not predicted. Go ahead. Google it if you don't believe me! (Hmmm…google it)
Short vowel sounds, redefining of a word, new or improper usage or other language anomalies affect what we view as "clean" and "dirty". America is a huge nation, geographically speaking. We have many societal norms and not all fit neatly into one sardine can. What is becoming accepted in today's American vernacular would be appalling to my extremely well-read mother if she was still alive. She knew and used words and phrases that spanned centuries. But let us be clear that even in the Ancient Scripture we find Paul saying that he counts it all as dung. Paul uses a common street word there. There is no indication that Paul ever uses profane or offensive language but he did use Koine Greek (commoner Greek). So, where do we draw the proverbial line in the sand when it comes to word usage? The words of truth is a great place to start to direct us in our speech. Luke 6:31, Philippians 4:8, Ephesians 4:29, Psalm 141:3 are just a few good references for us to consider. Certainly, whenever we find ourselves in a society that has determined certain standards as proper and amenable to all, we should obey those societal rules and expectations. Probably should not use the "f" word in a court of law where you are the defendant. You might find out something about improper and inappropriate word usage.
So, I have no hard-and-fast rule to guide your word choices. I do say that whatever your bedroom language is, it should be joyful and stimulating for both partners. Just like anal may be my thing but not hers. I should not expect her to engage in it. Nor should I expect others to embrace it on the basis of my approval. I believe the bedroom language mutually chosen is yours to enjoy. It may not be my cup-of-tea, but it does not have to be for you to be well within your boundaries before the Lord. My wife refrains from saying "fuck" but she has no problem with saying, "Get after it pool boy" (which is a running joke as we used to have a pool). I on the other hand, while I do not use some words in most of my circles-of-life, I am okay with "fuck" being used in the bedroom. I do not go around in public saying "vagina"; however, vagina is very much used in my profession as a Surgical Technologist. It seems appropriate at work but not at the children's Bible Bowl competition. So, Right place, Right time, Right circumstances, Mutual edification. If a word is not your word of choice, then avoid it. If it is not your spouses up-lifting phrase, then don't say it.
My last thought here is the phrase, "Oh my God". I think it appropriate to thank our Creator for His marvelous creation of sexual union and all that goes with it. I have given thanks in those most intimate of situations. Unfortunately, the above phrase has become an exclamation of WOW. In no circumstances should we ever reduce our Creator to an exclamatory phrase. He deserves the best reference we can conjure up and we should not reduce His majesty in any way or proportion. If your usage of "Oh my God" is your version of a thankful offering, then rock on with it! Let us be very careful with His reputation and position in our relationship with Him. Let us not be offensive to our spouses or to our Creator as we are overwhelmed with His marvelous monogamous sexual pleasures. In all things may we give thanks and glory to our God!
In the end, it has to do with how you and your partner experience or perceive these words.
On average it has to do what is acceptable, enjoyable and a turn on to you.