Friends, Sex, and Conversation

I have a question to pose to the Marriage Heat community.

I have often wondered if it would be beneficial to engage in more discussions about sex with our Christian friends. My wife and I are in our mid-20s. We have many newly-married friends our own age, as well as many older friends who have been married for many years. I have talked for hours with some of my friends about everything from eschatology to economics, but sex just never really comes up.

Have many of you found the opportunity to discuss sexual matters with your friends? How have these conversations played out?

I think if Christian couples felt more comfortable discussing their sex lives with each other, it might lead to learning new things. It could bring introspection into our own views of sex and maybe common ground to discuss sexual problems couples may be facing.

What do you think?

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29 replies
  1. PatientPassion says:

    I think it could definitely be helpful to talk about sex more. It's so often treated as taboo and dirty, so it's stuck in the shadows and relegated to the fringes of Christian life. It's a beautiful gift from God, and one of the defining acts of our most important human relationship, so it's foolish to ignore it like we do.

    I'm so glad MH exists as a place to have conversations about sex, but I think we do need to make it more normal in face-to-face conversations. It's tough because people have been taught (explicitly or implicitly) that it's taboo, so it might take more effort to have those conversations. But maybe some people are more willing to talk about it than we think, so bringing it up might help them see you're comfortable talking about it too and bring them out of their shell.

    We need to help our fellow Christians realize that it's not a subject to be shunned. It's deeply important to our lives, and part of God's good creation! Yes the world has perverted it deeply and in many ways, but that's all the more reason to speak our own minds and fight back against false views of sex with truthful and biblical ones! You don't fight lies with silence and ignorance, you fight lies with truth and knowledge! I think this starts with couples who have kids. When I have children, I plan to be extremely open with them about sex, and both its dangers and its beauties. If Christian children grow up understanding it's normal and pass that attitude on to their kids, then within a few generations, sex can be a taboo-free topic in the Christian community, as it should be!

    In the meantime, while we need to be tactful and not too blunt in the way we bring it up in conversation, we also shouldn't be afraid of the topic when it comes up, or when it's relevant to speak about.

    • Doc_Love says:

      Love what you have to say here about training the next generation to have a right view of sex. We absolutely should culture a healthy, Biblical understanding of human sexuality. The church as a whole has done such a poor job of this over time. Imagine what a powerful testimony it would be to the world if we didn’t equate nudity with sexuality, or if we encouraged and showed our excitement about sex within marriage—it would take the wind right out of our culture’s sails.

  2. AdamW says:

    I am well, well out of my twenties and I've barely ever had a conversation like this. I would like to and I'm sure it could be beneficial. But I think it may be particularly difficult for Christians because:we have strong moral views about sex as a private activity strictly within marriage. We treat it as the sacred thing it is…which makes it difficult to talk about, except maybe in very general, indirect ways. It's pretty impossible to discuss sex without discussing the inner sanctum of your marriage generally. That makes it particularly difficult to talk about problems and issues.

    And if you are close enough to a person to be able to talk about your sex life with them (I,e, a husband with another husband), you likely also know their spouse reasonably well, and it becomes an implicit discussion about that person (i.e, their wife) as well, which is, at the very least….complicated.

    I'd be interested in hearing from others who have had such conversations though.

  3. Tulsa says:

    We talk about all things sexual, with only one couple we know. Funny how we got there, but since that point, we do discuss sex quite often. Right down to 'blow by blow' too, if you will. 🙂
    Past them, not so much with any others. I think it's mostly 'cause it's not something most are willing, or eager, to bring up, much less get into any detail about.
    That said, it has been quite educational, as well as enlightening, for all of us!!

    • AlwaysReady says:

      Do you mind sharing how you got to that point? My wife and I have a young couple that we know and we both know they are struggling with the sexual aspect of their relationship. A candid conversation could do them well.

    • Tulsa says:

      The way we got to talking about sex with them, is not something you can repeat.
      We were staying at their place on our way back home, and our friend, the wife, walked in on us while I was doing oral on my wife. She just froze there and stared, but my wife was close to being there, and I was committed, so I kept on going at it! She did eventually back out the door, but then snuck around and watched through the window. (She told us about that later)
      Anyway, she had 900 questions for my wife about oral sex. That’s when it started. Seems after many years of marriage, it was not something they ever did, and after watching my wife and I, she wanted her husband to do her. It was all she could talk about. It was obvious my wife was really enjoying it!
      Her husband, who has been a friend for many years, finally asked me for some pointers. So conversation, started, and progressed, from there. He became even more interested when I described how oral is done on guys! 🙂

    • SecondMarge says:

      Did your wife know she was being watched? Did you ask your friend to watch you again? The husband didn’t know what oral sex was? Watching is very hot. Being watched is distracting to me.

    • Tulsa says:

      Neither of us knew that she stood by the window and kept on watching after she went back out the door.
      No, we didn’t ask them to watch us again when we found out they did, (they watched more than once actually) but they did ask us to let them watch.
      Of course they both knew what oral is, but it was not something they did, or ever even tried before. That’s surprising, to me anyway, in itself.

  4. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    I have conversations all the time with both males and females over at Songs of the Believers. They are very strict about not "mauling" newcomers with PMs, but handled cautiously, one can find friends who are happy to speak openly and supportively about all things sexual. Of course, it is on you to let people know if they are going outside your comfort zone and to block messages from and/or report people who don't honor your wishes in that area. But I have never had a problem with anyone there not respecting my boundaries. And the (optional) anonymity, like here, means not feeling so squeamish about discussing what can and should be a normal part of life. There are only a couple of women and one young man that have ever felt comfortable broaching sexual subjects with me in person, even though I will bring healthy, vibrant sexual relationships up in praying for my girlfriends in prayer groups at my Bible study. (They don't allow mixed-gender prayer groups, though we do all study and socialize together. I understand their caution.)

  5. christmakesithot says:

    Very well said, AdamW. I couldn't of explained it better myself. But I'll just share our personal experiences.

    I'm a very private person and it's taken many years to get to the place that I'm comfortable sharing. My husband has really encouraged me in that. We talk very openly when opportunity arises but we are very cautious and we keep it to him talking with men and me talking with women. If a women tries to speak to him, he directs her to me and vice-versa. Some times I share the conversations I've had with other women and he's admitted to me when it's actually made him struggle. Now, when we visit, I try to be sensitive to his struggles. I know for us, and I believe for many, it could be a open door to inappropriate thoughts and temptation. My husband does love it when I share our sex life with others and help other women be more kinky in the bedroom. I talk openly with my sisters and one of my sisters once said to me, "I get my best ideas from you" that made me feel really good.

    My husband shares his testimony of struggle and freedom from pornagrphy every time he gets an opportunity, so that opens the door for many men to be open and honest with him. He told me that he has open conversations with almost all the men he has friendships with.

    With one of my sisters, we're so open that we text each other for special ideas for anniversaries and birthday gifts to our husbands. We share playlists of sexy dance songs or romantic mood setting songs. We have even gifted used toys and lingerie when we didn't use something much any more.

    I don't struggle with these things at all, but I know it's a sensitive area for my husband. I don't tell him when my sister has given me something, I just say I found it in a "special place" lol.

    • LilaY69 says:

      My husband doesn't like to talk in much detail at all about our sex life and sexcapades.

      He's not a people person and there are not more than a handful of his friends that are close enough where that would even be appropriate.

      He does though like to show my body off to his friends or just out in public in general. We sometimes have dates where I'll dress less modestly than usual. I also will admit I like getting appreciative looks from people.

    • LilaY69 says:

      I also love to talk about all things sex with my girlfriends. There have been many times where we've gifted or exchanged toys.

      I am curious though, you mentioned that your husband "struggles" if you have these conversations with your girlfriends or gift toys. What do you exactly mean by that? Thanks!

  6. New Wife says:

    Other than sharing anonymously here on MH and another Christian site, TheMarriageBed.com, I have one very close friend and her husband with whom my DH and I talk pretty openly. The most detailed conversations about our marriage experiences, expectations and feelings are between my friend and me. There's little that we haven't shared. And these conversations have made me a better and more aware wife, I think. And I hope she's benefited too!

  7. AlwaysReady says:

    We have a few couples (like 2 or 3) that we can discuss pretty candidly. I'd say more me and the husbands than my wife and their wives (mostly because they're more "my friends"- the husbands and I were friends prior to any of our marriages). That being said, my wife and I would likely be more open given the right opportunity and situation. We too think it could be so beneficial. We have one set of friends where the wife is in grad school to become a therapist and wants to focus on married sexuality (think Christian sex therapist). She says its a small field but we can all agree it is VERY needed.

  8. ArtRutherford says:

    Good Question. Who wants to go first? (In sharing your sex life person-to-person) (CrazyHappyLoved mentioned a place to start may be Songs of the Believers) it's great.

  9. Mercury7 says:

    For several years I was blessed to have the ability to talk at a deep level with another Christian man. We had actually already been friends for many years, but on one occasion he opened up to share with me about some struggles that he and his wife were having sexually. (Perhaps he felt that freedom to share because I was a pastor – but not of the church he attended). His initial sharing opened a floodgate – and we quickly realized that we both had a huge hunger to be able to talk to someone honestly. For about the next 10-12 years we shared often about our sexual experiences, our struggles, our desires, etc. We both found it to be extremely valuable in helping us understand ourselves and enabling us to have a better sexual relationship with our wives. I wish that kind of relationship had been available to me earlier (for the first 25 years of my marriage), and especially at that time I could have learned so much from an older mentor.

  10. Flying Hubby says:

    I’ve found it fascinating to be in conversations like this. It’s not happened many times. It usually comes from asking a question and turns into a counseling session if that’s the right term. Normally the only feedback you get from sex is the response you get from your spouse and that’s a physical reaction from what you are trying to do right for them. That openness to talk about it can be intimidating with the spouse due to all the fears and insecurities that may arise. These amazing conversations haven’t come up many times in my life as they usually happen by accident from asking a question that blossoms into a conversation that has so many routes it can take, from techniques to feelings to ideas to experiences that you might not even know exist. It’s not like reading here either because a written story has a path it takes, whereas a conversation can twist and turn in so many directions. I can definitely see how a person might have to defend their thoughts as some things can get pretty descriptive and while you are talking about them and looking at someone who is not your spouse and connecting the feelings you get from the conversation with that other person, it can interject interesting feelings. Hopefully, they can be directed toward your spouse; not that it leads to cheating but maybe divided thoughts. The intensity of the conversation though can be amazing because this is not a normal conversation with an outsider and you know very well it’s happening and real. Not necessarily true but real.

  11. SecondMarge says:

    My church had a woman’s discussion group about marriage. We had married, divorced, widowed and single woman. Naturally the discussion often turned to sex. Eventually we invited members of the clergy, even lay experts. At first everyone was shy about sex questions. But after a few weeks women would be describing their activity that week or what they wish would have been included. When I would tell my husband the topics, never who said them, he said we were more open sexually then men. Reluctance to admit what some find to be wrong eventually became honesty and very enlightening. It’s sad sex has this stigma on it that God never intended. Sharing it should be no different than sharing recipes.

  12. Penny4URthoughts says:

    We play truth or dare with a group of friends. It typically always ends up being about sex. That or dare you to remove a piece of clothes. So truth happens more often. Sometimes it’s you really do that? All good fun and sometimes we go home very horny.

  13. songsofthebelievers says:

    I will post here what I posted in the other, since this thread sparked interest in our site. We do not accept all members, our admins review applications for depth and to see if the person would match our site. We also watch for the balance on our site between men and women. We aren't looking for anyone who would stretch boundaries or be looking to talk about unbiblical things. We are about great sex in marriage and promoting sex positive values within the Christian realm. we do have some memberships we've approved who haven't joined – so check your folders. If you haven't seen that, you're welcome to email us [at songsofthebelievers@gmail.com – MH doesn't allow *personal* emails to be published, but this makes sense here] and we can look into it. Thank you.

  14. Turninguptheheat says:

    I have encouraged Marriage Heat to allow real pics to be posted with stories as I feel it will make the site and stories more authentic. Does Songs of the Believers allow this?

    • songsofthebelievers says:

      We don't allow explicit pictures and would discourage against pictures which are identifying in nature. Tasteful pics could be shown with stories in our Storytellers section but that would be on a case by case basis. We're very protective of our members.

  15. Liverr says:

    Our advise … go to "The Marriage Bed". Log in and there are 100's of questions and discussions about any and all topics related to sex in a Christian world. By reading the questions, answers and how certain folks answer, you can get an idea of who you think might be good to chat with – then just PM them to see! We have met a few great cpls there and have not only enjoyed chatting, but also gotten new ideas or suggestions….good luck

  16. hornyGG says:

    I have a couple gf's that I feel comfortable talking about sex with. My friend Cynthia for one. She and I enjoy talking about sexual matters with each other. Let me say that often our conversations are really explicit. For instance she will tell me how she was f**ked good by her husband Mike the night before or we would go toy shopping together ( when the adult store was still open). I will share my sex experiences with Ben as well. Another is my longtime childhood friend Ashley. She is as outspoken about sex as I am. Having friends you can talk openly about such a subject is so special in my opinion. Stay horny!

  17. LilaY69 says:

    I love talking to other women about all things sex. For obvious reasons, I would certainly avoid having any kind of discussion in that area with a man.

    I have a few close girlfriends where we can and do have pretty graphic and personal discussions on sex, masturbation, erotica, and toys. We've even borrowed each other's toys or gifted them to each other to enjoy.

    My close girlfriends or even sister and I have even shared with each other nude or sexy photos of ourselves. There has been a number of times where one of us bought new sexy panties or bras and shared it with one another. It's just a girl thing. Us females and our friendships with each other are more intimate than that of men. As well as the very beautiful and erotic female form that we ourselves can and do very much appreciate.

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