What Will Help My Wife Want Sex?
Hello. My wife and I have been married for two months now. We did not have sex until we were married. I had been with women sexually before my wife and I met. My wife, though, was a virgin until our wedding night.
I love my wife very much, and I know that she loves me. I wish I had time to tell you the story of how the Lord brought us together.
We have a healthy relationship in the sense that we joke around and tease each other. She is supportive of me, and I am supportive of her. All the things that a strong and biblical marriage should have, we have. However, for some reason, she has little to no interest in being intimate with me since our honeymoon ended.
When I ask her about it, she goes through a list of things such as “sex is messy,” “I’m tired,” “it’s painful.” I understand those because she was a virgin. But there were also times she said that sex was not painful in certain positions.
So she gives me these kinds of reasons for not wanting to be intimate with me. I understand the reasons. But at the same time, these problems are easily fixed with a little bit of planning and effort put in to make things better. (Keep in mind that, at this point in our two-month marriage, we are barely having sex once a week).
If I ask to be with her, she will humor me out of obligation, which entirely turns me off. So I just don’t ask her. What man wants his wife to be intimate with him because she has to? She will be intimate with me (not out of obligation) if she is “in the mood.” But she is in the mood less than once a week. And when she is “in the mood,” I can’t tell. Also, when she is “in the mood,” she will not come on to me.
So I’m wanting to be intimate with my wife, but not wanting to pressure her to be with me. At the same time, she will not be intimate with me unless I ask to the point of pressuring her. That then makes the whole idea of intimacy a turn-off for her and me.
I just can’t figure out why she has absolutely no desire to be intimate with me. I’m in shape and all that kind of stuff.
So I’m going day-to-day wanting to be with her. She knows that I want to be with her, and she knows we have not been together for a while. It seems to me that she is just not willing to put any effort into it unless she’s in the mood.
I really don’t know what to think.
Am I missing something?
Is there someone that has been through this that has some advice?
It probably won’t help to tell you that your wife is part of a large plurality of woman that avoid sex. Or at least only want on rare occasion. It is one of the strong secular arguments for premarital sex. But women often change rapidly after the first year, having children, or hormonal changes. It is one of those issues where compromise is needed. Often resulting in sex once or twice a month. It’s one of the negatives about reading about all these horny women that want sex 3 times a day and just love sucking cock. I always thought all those stories were written by men until I found MH. But know those women are the exception. Accept your wife will not likely ever match your desire level. That maybe you can bargain for sex once or twice a week which is about average.
I'd like to suggest that many of us here were like your wife in your stage of life, and changes in our hormones, health, life situation, relationship with the Lord and new understanding of his standards for sex, and loving, honest comunication mixed with prayerful patience as God worked on our hearts all came together to bring us to where we are today. In other words. I would like to offer hope that it may *not* always be the way it is now for you and your beloved. But let God use this time to grow *you*, too.
Been married with my wife for 21, and if we had sex once a month, I would be the happiest man on earth.
It's not a new thing; it has always been this way. She hates going down on me, but I love to go down on her.
Some women don't change after a year or so. Some women do not like sex. We men have to live with that. It sucks, but it is what it is.
Jacobdanielle, I want to say a few things first, because they have often been a concern to me, but I recognize they may have little value to your particular current situation, but because I believe it is of great importance to those pondering marriage and your situation may well emphasize why, here goes…
I believe all couples reaching the "Engagement" point of their relationship would do well to talk about the following things prior to finalizing the engagement (or followed up on after marriage in your case…):
1) Have either of you been sexually violated in your past?
2) Have you been raised in a family that taught you sex was either a "duty" only act in marriage, or is essentially an unclean act that spouses "must" engage in to avoid divorce through infidelity?
3) Do you both eagerly look forward to sex in marriage?
4) How important is sex to you?
5) Do you view sex as something of a "duty" or something you are hungry for and hope will happen often each week?
6) Did your pastor or youth pastor or some other significant religious figure have a profound impact on your developing concept of sex in marriage, and if so was it often laced with fear, condemnation, and anxiety?
7) Does either one have a sexually transmittable disease?
8) Does either one have some form of sexual dysfunction or physical discomfort in your genitals?
9) Do either of you have strongly negative feelings about oral sex, anal sex, masturbation, wife initiation, etc.?
10) Would either of you describe yourself as wondering if you might be asexual or seriously lacking in sex drive?
11) Who do you anticipate being the primary initiator of sex in your marriage, or do either of you intensely reject the idea of being an initiator?
Because if any of these issues, and I'm sure many others, lie submerged in your psyches they can be powerful inhibitors to a satisfying sexual relationship and marriage. I generally believe they are not insurmountable, but I do believe they need to be addressed between the couple prior to engagement and may well indicate a need for professional counsel and guidance.
Now, on the flip side of these issues, I'm sure you are well aware that some people are "initiators" and some are more "responders", and that of the husband and wife combination more often than not it will be the wife who is primarily the "responder," and finds initiating difficult, embarrassing, unspiritual, or outside her comfort zone. If this is the case with your wife I have found that gentle, non confrontational, and sensitive discussion is really valuable. If she tells you that initiating is just not easy for her but that she does have genuine sexual desires for you, then encouraging her to be the initiator whenever she desires to will be eagerly received but in the absence of it you are going to assume that she desires sex even if she can't say so.
Now, here is a controversial one, and I know some here will agree and others will not, so I'll share it but trust you in your walk with Christ and your spouse to process it in a way that doesn't violate your consciences, but I'd like to suggest you both discuss the potential value of your wife giving herself permission before the Lord to privately masturbate and use whatever form of mental stimulation necessary (inside your marriage only) to achieve regular satisfying orgasms. This might include erotic stories, erotic images, or erotic media, but whatever works for her should be considered. Often as a woman is given permission to explore her sexuality privately she will blossom sexually and find herself all the more longing for the "real" touch of her husband. Masturbation is enjoyable but pales in comparison to the real thing with you. She may need your gentle encouragement in these things and your permission to experiment alone.
In conjunction with the above, does she have any sex toys? (I.e. vibrator, dildo, etc.). These can be a great help to developing sexual passion.
I'm going to leave these comments as my contribution, with the confidence that others here will additionally offer some great advice too. So many here are full of such great wisdom and experience that I'd encourage you to buckle your seatbelt and get ready for some great advice.
Please know that my wife and I will be praying for the two of you. This can and likely will resolve wonderfully!
Very sorry, Jacobdanielle. I wish I had advice to give, but I haven’t been in your shoes. However, I did want to highlight something you shared:
“I had been with women sexually before my wife and I met. My wife, though, was a virgin until our wedding night.”
I’m only highlighting what you said here in the hopes that someone else with more experience can comment. Does a situation like you’ve described lead to issues during marriage, when it comes to the sexual relationship? When one spouse brings a sexual history to the relationship and the other does not, does it negatively impact the sexual relationship? And if so, how have other couples overcome the past or history, or whatever term is put to it?
No comment. Been married too long.
Great answers secondMarge and higherquest! Also great question lttlb! I won't answer that one but I'd love to here some advice from those who have walked that road.
How old is your wife? I've noticed that with some women who have learned to live in celibacy for many years struggle with this more. They have learned to become content with no sex and to jump right in to sex all the time is difficult.
Know that God is doing a work in both of you. If you'll remain patient and practice heathy communication God will do miracles.
This is an excerpt from my story coming out Nov. 8th, "Toy Story, part 3"…
"I want to give hope to those who feel like their wives are a wet blanket, my wife is very conservative, she is very content with the same routine every time we have sex. but over the years we've both grown and changed for the better.
We've been married now for sixteen years and I can proudly say, our sex life is better and more kinky than it's ever been. We are crazy in the bedroom! If it's not banned in the Bible, anything goes and everything goes!
First of all, there's no quick way to get your wife to be the exact way you want her to be (most of us men want a crazy sex addicted wife who can't get enough of our cocks…most women don't think like men, sorry).
It takes time/patience, trust, communication, and lots of LOVE!
"Also, God had to work in me before he could ever work on my wife (I hope to one day share my story of freedom from
addiction to pornagrphy).
This is a serious situation and I would suggest a lot of prayer and a lot of help. Talk about it. Get to counselors, whatever it takes. Left alone it probably won't improve. Assuming you are personally ok, being kind and loving and helpful and not stinky etc. Go after help and understanding and solutions with everything you have. Left alone it will fester and probably get worse.
Baptist or not, as newlywed wife, I am sexually normal and healthy, no more and no less. It has also been two months of marriage with a man who behaves like a virgin.
I'm going to throw a few hypothetical questions at you. Please don't feel offended.
Could there perhaps be something about the lovemaking that she doesn't have the heart to tell you?
Some things are hard to say especially when you don't want to ruin the marriage at the get-go.
She may not be as brave as many are to say this or that is putting her off.
There may be a way you could coax it out of her so that she need not feel she is hurting your feelings?
Personally, I would get someone else she trusts (a woman, like a sister), to try to get her to open up (hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do).
In therapy, you may be sitting in on the session and she may not be able to be candid in front of you.
Do you drink alcohol and then get intoxicated and try to make love to her? Some (most?) women won't like that.
Women don't like crude below the belt jokes. Not saying that you do.
Another thing many wives don't like is when her husband masturbates and tells her about it, or worse – does it in front of her. Or watches porn. Not sexy to some women, that. Unless you watch together?
Dig deep and ask yourself (or a male friend), if there isn't something about you that could be the issue? Your male friend might say: "Buddy, tone it down a bit, your jokes are all below the belt", or "Mate, sometimes you have spinach between your teeth".
Or there could be a more serious underlying issue, like maybe you were not fully honest about something, or many things, which could make her not trust you enough for her to want to give all of herself to you. (I'm sure I'm wrong here). I'm just throwing ideas out there, no answer necessary.
Did she ask you to shower and brush teeth daily and you just don't? That could be sexually unpleasant for her. (I'm just throwing them out there, don't answer that).
If it's nothing about you, then you simply HAVE to get her to open up to you or someone else and be honest about what's going on. How can you fix it if you don't even know what is causing her reticence?
[We edited out comments on sex before marriage because, honestly, moderating the responses is overwhelming and not really in keeping with our theme or helpful to the OPs request. We just don't want to get sidetracked again. -MH]
We love our spouses. Love is supposed to smooth things over. Make the bad better. Yet it's not that simple.
Poor sex and no sex can destroy the love fast.
Let's see if we can help one another, since our stories are almost the same.
First of all, be encouraged that you're not alone! This seems to be a common problem, which is not a good thing, but it means there are many people who can sympathize with you and understand your situation and feelings.
If you have an otherwise strong relationship as you said, that is a huge encouragement. It means there's less likely to be hard-to-identify underlying problems that will get in the way. You might be able to make real progress by simply having a series of gentle and intimate but serious conversations about how you want the sexual part of your relationship to be, and how it should be.
A great place to start is to simply ask for clarity on what her feelings are and why. Make sure she feels safe and that she can trust you so that you can get to the deeper reasons why she feels the way she does. Frame it in a way that won't be taken as an accusation, but as a loving inquiry into how you might be able to love her and support her better.
Another answer I've seen given to almost every question like this is to get a medical and hormonal checkup done. A hormonal imbalance or other issue could very well be playing into this. When she says she's tired, that may be legitimate or an excuse, or a legitimate feeling that she's simply using as an excuse. That should be easy to work around though. Change the time of day you have sex to a time she's not tired, or work on adjusting to a healthier lifestyle in terms of diet, sleep, exercise and work/life balance.
Also on the health/medical track, clarify with her if sex was just painful initially, or if it's still painful now. If sex is still painful 2 months in, there might be a medical issue in play that needs to be looked into. It could also be that you, she or both have not found the right way to get her turned on, warmed up, opened up and truly ready for sex. If you've only been married for two months, you can't expect to know how to do everything just right yet, so you should BOTH be taking steps to learn how to make things work better. How can we improve foreplay? What makes things work more smoothly? How can we make it most enjoyable for both of us? Look into questions like that. It might sound basic, but you'd be surprised at what can happen with good implementation of basic solutions! Remember to make efforts on relational, medical and sexual education fronts.
If you've found that "things are easily fixed with a little bit of planning and effort," do those things more! It seems like that makes sense to you. Does she realize that effort makes things better, but is just reluctant to put the extra effort in? Has sex been enjoyable for her when it does happen? If not, you can hardly expect her to look forward to it. And are there times, however rare, that she actually does put effort in? If so, ask her what's different. Ask her why she makes an effort some times and not others.
If she IS willing to put in effort in those infrequent times when she's in the mood, that helps to know that she does have desire, it's just tricky to bring out of her. In this case, there's a concept that might really help, which HigherQuest mentioned briefly. It sounds like it would be good for you both to read about "spontaneous vs. responsive desire." She should realize that she isn't required to be "in the mood" BEFORE a sexual encounter begins. Many women (and even some men) only get turned on AFTER things have already begun to get sexual. This is called "responsive desire," and many women who have more responsive than spontaneous desire don't realize that's how they work. They tend to think "I'm not in the mood, so I don't want sex," and shut down their husband's advances. When they do that, they never get to the point where their response is activated and they actually DO start wanting sex. If she allows herself to go with it when you initiate sex and doesn't shut herself down (and you), she may find she is actually very much "in the mood" within a couple of minutes.
Besides that, spend time in prayer (in general, and about this situation specifically) and spend time connecting in non-sexual ways with your wife! A better relationship with God and a better relationship with you wife can only help things!
Those are my main suggestions. I pray for God's encouragement, peace and strength to be with you both as you navigate this challenge!
I read a helpful article (and lots of helpful comments) about the Purity Culture. It was on a blog called To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. [Link from MH: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/01/purity-culture-10-things-that-scare-me/ We don't cross-post extensive quotes from other sites but feel free to recommend things you've found helpful. We will link it ourselves if we feel it is appropriate.] May help if she comes from such an upbringing? Perhaps copy and paste some of it into an email or something for her to read. (I sent it to my new husband on WhatsApp. He has made no comment yet. He may or may never).
What an eye-opener! I especially appriciated learning about vaginismus, which I never heard of before and could definitely be the problem if OP's wife is still experiencing pain during intercourse. Definitely read this article's comments!
I also read an article on the New York Times blog called When Sex Leaves the Marriage by Tara Parker-Pope. She interviewed a Sociology professor at Georgia State who studies sexless marriage. You might find that helpful as well.
At least you had a honeymoon period. Two months into my marriage it's still only talk.
Thanks for this, jacobdanielle. I can relate very much to your problem and went through much the same thing. Despite all our preparation before marriage, we immediately had colliding expectations. My wife struggled to get into sex and enjoy it as much and as frequently as me. I was so upset. We could finally experience the best thing in the world, free and unlimited! What's the problem? How can I fix this, ASAP??? A few thoughts based on many years' experience and reflection:
1. I realize this isn't what you most want to hear, but start by being grateful that you are having sex close to once a week, even if it isn't the frequency or responsiveness you desire. Yes, it sucks and is unfair. But it sounds like your wife is at least trying to make an effort, unsatisfying though it may be to you. Even if it's insufficient, be grateful, even though I know that's hard and this is so frustrating. This is something I always try to remember myself. It sounds like the rest of your marriage is pretty good, so keep focusing on that as well.
2. You are not alone. I suspect that, despite the impressions one gets even from most Christian sources, most married couples have significantly different levels of sexual desire and preferred frequency, sometimes right from the start. It's not talked about enough, especially in Christian circles and to unmarried couples, where the message is "just wait until marriage and then everything will be great." You only hear about the good experiences (I agree very much with Second Marge above that this site is NOT representative); you don't hear the rest, at least not in a balanced way. You guys are more normal than you might think.
3. I agree that seeking professional counseling could be helpful if you are both willing. But beware of framing this as a one-sided problem (i.e, hers). Start from the basis that both of you are "normal" (which statistically you are) but you both need help communicating and figuring out how to bring your desires closer together. If you make it HER problem to "fix", you'll go nowhere except further down.
4. I get the part about her needing to be "in the mood" but not communicating it or coming on to you, and basically expecting you to be a mind-reader. Man, do I ever remember that. We did work that part out over time through better communication and more scheduling of sex. She likely has a lot of trouble voicing her sexual desires, after so many years of having to discipline them. (See "not talked about enough" above).
I wish you the best, brother. You are not alone.
I was a virgin when we married and was very much looking forward to sex. My parents asked us to read a book, “Intended for Pleasure” by Dr. Ed Wheat. It has detailed instructions for me making sure the wife is extremely comfortable and the experience is a good one on the wedding night. You might want to be sure you are doing the things he describes there to take care of her. Please don’t assume because you had had sex that you know what you are doing. Also, remember to do things for her that will speak to her romantically. Is that bringing flowers? Doing dishes?? What is her love language?
And, for the record, that first time was so good for me, I woke him in the middle of the night for a second round!
Ok, I'm going to be blunt because I don't think anyone has said it here yet….but many women are never in the "mood" on their own, my wife included. These women just never have sex on the mind or a desire for it.If your wife is normal and healthy (in all ways), then she is likely like one of these women. In order for her to get in the mood she has to be brought or coaxed so to speak into it. She may simply be a responder. Listen to Corey Allen and his wife Pam on the podcast "Sexy Marriage Radio" as they talk about this a bunch.
I remember a quote from the podcast that goes something like this, "Husband: Hey babe, would you like to have sex?. Wife: No, but if we get started, I'm sure I will catch up". It has much to do with attitude and education and loving one another. Hope it helps.
A big difference is whether the wife sees this as a major problem too. If she does, then there is a lot of potential to work together, read up and seek advice, and generally keep trying.
If she doesn’t (“there’s nothing wrong; we’re having sex; I just need to be in the mood”) it becomes more challenging. Not hopeless, but pretty lonely.
I have to throw this out there as I see that a lot of people are saying that women are generally only responders and/or don’t have desires without being coaxed. I’ve only ever met one girl who said she doesn’t desire sex. For myself as a single woman, I struggle with the desire every day, some days harder then others. All my closest friends married or unmarried did or do struggle with the same thing. It boggles my mind how a woman could not want sex unless it is just bad. Please research how to get a women off, if you haven’t already. I’m assuming you have, then find out what makes her tick, ask her what she wants in bed and how she wants it. Tell her you’ll do what she wants and take as long as she wants so that she has such a good time she can’t wait to come back. It’s not just her problem; As others have said, it’s something for you each to work out together. Oh and make sure you smell really, really good.
Hotnorthern-
Trust me, all of us guys who aren’t having sex with our wives run through these thoughts daily. “Maybe I’m not good enough in bed, etc.”. What we come to realize is that if not given the opportunity, there’s no way to be good. If my wife never (as in never) lets me perform oral sex on her, I don’t get a reasonable chance to get her off. For the record, on the rare occasion we do have sex, my wife always comes, so it literally can’t be the explanation that I’m not able to satisfy her.
Lonely-guy,
I’m sorry, I figured with the question from the op, being only married two months, it could be that there are still things to learn about his wife and what makes her tick.
I can’t get into the heads of every women, so I don’t know why your wife responds how she does, I wish I could provide the magic solution but only God knows what that is.
If she was raised with a sex negative view point, there are a lot of books out there that address that that could be helpful.
I experienced abuse as a child myself, so I’ve read every book I could get my hands on and gone to therapy in order to heal because I have an ideal that I want to be. It’s been a long process but I’ve gotten to the place where I feel comfortable and happy dating and I’m very hopeful for the future.
I’ve heard so many stories and found that many older people my parents ages are against oral sex. In conversations with younger people I find it is generally accepted. But probably there are branches of conservatives that still teach that it’s bad. In grained teaching like that is hard to shake.
I know an older women who would never go down on her husband as she told me it was gross, but she was happy with her husband going down on her. I think it could have been also because they did not have a great relationship. My mom told me of a couple where he would never do anything to get her off and would only bang and roll over and go sleep and she would go to the bathroom and finish herself quietly. So I’ve heard so many angles. I just feel like it can’t always be all one person’s fault. Though I’m sure at times it is. Women (and men I’m sure) very much sense when they feel like they aren’t good enough or measuring up or feel as though their spouse is annoyed with them so I doubt that contributes to creating intimacy of the heart which is needed most of all in order to have sex.
1. Make every opportunity you find for sex first about her.
2. Tame your own desire for sex. Invest your energies into other venture. Try giving yourself up to being built up spiritually.
3. Talk to her about your need for sex without criticism or condemnation. Ask her if you don't do it right, and for what you can go to be better at it with her. After you are done, don't ask her for sex.
4. Be her man: the man she can respect. It's easier to get sex with a woman that looks up to you, even if she is already your wife.,
5. Be kind to others such that they admire you and have good things to say about you. Women often want what other people like.
6. Be a happy person and be motivated. Have firm footing in what defines you.
7. Love her selflessly as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for us.