My Struggle

Hi, I’m Evie. I’m really conflicted about being here. It helps that you don’t know me from Adam, because I really need someone to talk to about sex without feeling embarrassed. This community seems open and accepting, though.

I’ve been married to a wonderful, loving man for nearly ten years. Aidan is a great provider, an attentive husband, and an involved father. He makes me happy in every way. That may be a bit of an exaggeration because we are both fallible humans, but he satisfies me. The problem is, I’m not sure I do the same for him. I know he is dedicated to our marriage and would never have an affair or divorce me. And whenever we have a disagreement or conflict in any other area of our life, we work it out; even if one of us gets what we want and the other doesn’t, we come to a place of agreement. I guess that’s where we are in our sex life, too.

The thing is, I really don’t think much about sex. Through the years, Aidan’s told me occasionally that he’d like to have more—in frequency, novelty, openness—but I just don’t think like that. Life revolves around work, chores, bills, kids, etc., and sex becomes just another box to check. Not to say I don’t like it! Once I get started, I think we both enjoy the outcome. But even I have to admit that it’s probably pretty boring for him, especially when I read on here about some of the things you guys do in your marriages.

I know we need to discuss it more, but I always felt so weird talking openly about sex with him. The way I grew up, sex was understood to be a necessary, even enjoyable, part of marriage but nobody talked about it. Those who did, we considered crass and crude, not respectable. They were probably doing it before they got married, and they couldn’t possibly be Christians because Jesus never talked about sex! He didn’t even get married, so how could sex be very important?

But after reading some of your stories and articles on MH, I’m coming to believe that maybe things we modern Christians have called “dirty,” early Christians just understood as part of life. I mean, my life is probably no harder than the lives of women of Jesus’ time. They had work, chores, kids, and husbands with needs. They had illness, stress, hormones, and headaches—all the obstacles to getting “in the mood” that I do. But they still had lots of kids, so they had to be having sex. Maybe Jesus didn’t have to talk about it because it was just normal for married people to be getting it on!

So I resolved to talk to my husband about our sex life. Since reading about what happens with your lives inspired this change in me (small as it may be), I decided to share how it went. Maybe I’ll make a difference in someone else’s life, too.

I didn’t postpone the conversation until some special occasion or send the kids off; with the current health situation, I’d have been waiting forever.  Instead, I settled on a Friday night and asked my husband to stay up late and talk. I’m sure I made him a little nervous because a talk usually means I’m upset about something. Believe me, I don’t boss my husband around, but we all know that “if Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” He probably felt defensive before I began.

After reading a chapter of the Bible together and praying as a family a little earlier than usual, we sent the kids off to read in bed until their “lights out” time. Then I poured a glass of wine and settled next to him on the couch.

“Honey, can we talk about… sex?”

I could tell I’d taken him aback. “Uh, sure. Is something wrong?”

“Well, that’s what I want to ask you. I know you sometimes wish we, you know, did it more. What do you think would be enough?”

“I don’t know. I know you don’t think about it as much as I do. I guess most women don’t.  But I’d be happy doing it every day if you were into it.”

I hope I hid my shock. It really shouldn’t have surprised me, based on what I’ve read here. It seems that most men think that way, too.

“Well, I think that’s probably normal. But what would be a significant improvement? I mean, right now, Saturday mornings are about it, and not even every week.”

“True,” he agreed. “But I wouldn’t know when you’d be in the mood. I hate to make a move and be told no. It… kind of hurts my feelings.”

“I’m sorry, honey. I know I haven’t always been as responsive as you need me to be. But I’ve been researching it, and it seems women tend to be slow starters, at least a lot of us. And sometimes, when it’s not a good time for me and you touch or kiss me in a certain way, I’m afraid to get your hopes up by responding… romantically.”

“You know,” he replied thoughtfully, “it isn’t always sex I want when I kiss or touch you. Sometimes I just want to be assured that you find me sexually attractive—that I turn you on.”

“Really?” It had never occurred to me that my husband might need to feel desired more than to just satisfy the “urge.”

“Honest,” he replied. “Just returning my attention in, you know, a sensual way would satisfy me most of the time. Though I’d never say no if you wanted more.” We both had to chuckle at that. He’s definitely a man.

“Okay, let me start with that. This week, I’m going to try to just respond to kisses and touches with a little more ‘heat’. Will you help me practice by giving me lots of opportunities?” I tried to give him a confident smile, but I really wasn’t sure I’d remember to return his advances in kind. I always feel so distracted during family times, and all day, every day seems like family time lately.

“Sounds like a plan,” he said. Then he leaned in toward me to kiss my cheek near my ear before whispering, “Shall we start now?”

After opening up this way with him, I felt emotionally close to him. I had expected this conversation to end with sex anyway, though a typical Friday night was more likely to involve a Netflix movie than bedroom activity. I turned my head to meet his lips. As his mouth gently covered mine, I leaned into the arm that he wrapped around my back and let my fingertips play in the curls peeking out of his unbuttoned neckline.

I respond best to a slow buildup, and Aidan has learned this. Usually, he wakes me up by slowly stroking my arm with his fingertips until I’m aware enough to go brush my teeth. When I come back to bed, he kisses and strokes me all over until I urge him on top of me. But this time, I decided to try something different. I pulled away from him and trailed kisses down the side of his neck, then followed the edge of his collar down to the little divot at the base of his throat. Tentatively, I tickled him there with the tip of my tongue.

My husband groaned, which gave me a little thrill. I liked knowing that I could make him feel excited—me, not just the idea of having sex! As far as he knew, we weren’t even going to get naked. But that idea niggled at the back of my mind.

Aidan’s fingers threaded through my shoulder-length, dark brown curls and tilted my head back. He dropped little kisses along my jawline from ear to chin, the covered my mouth with his again.

I let my tongue slip forward to flick at his upper lip. Of course, we have French kissed before, but never had I started it. Aidan shuddered, and I felt his grin.

“You are doing a great job.” He spoke the words against my mouth, then leaned back against the arm of the sofa and pulled me with him. As I settled against his chest, he rested his chin against my forehead and stroked my bare upper arm.  I felt the bulge in his crotch, so I knew he wanted me, but he seemed content to savor our connection. While that warmed my heart, I wasn’t sure I would be content to let it end here for tonight.

After a while, I suggested we head to bed. We have a Jack-and-Jill bathroom, so we brushed our teeth and changed into our sleeping attire at the same time. Aidan pulled on soft pj bottoms, and I grabbed the top in lieu of my usual oversized sleep shirt. I’m not exactly slim, but a glance in the mirror assured me that it grazed instead of hugged my full figure. I appreciated the curve of my bottom peeking below the hem, knowing Aidan would too. When I raised my eyes to meet his in the mirror, I blushed.

“Nice view, isn’t it?” Aidan complimented me.

Rather than draw attention to my obvious flaws, I decided to respond graciously. “Thank you. I’m glad you think so.”

Aidan came and stood behind me. Watching my face in the mirror, he let his hands wander up and down my sides. I felt self-conscious and closed my eyes, leaning my head back and against his cheek, but I enjoyed the relaxing feeling of his loving touch. When his palms came around to the front and stroked upward to cup my breasts, my breath caught.

Though I usually don’t encourage him vocally, I had promised to try being more responsive. So I allowed myself a low moan, wondering if it would feel fake. Instead, it kind of felt like a release, as if I had held back from expressing my enjoyment of his touch until now.

Aidan’s head dipped and he kissed the side of my neck then nuzzled my ear. “You are so sexy right now,” he said.

“Am I?”

“Mm-hmm. I like it when you moan like that.”

“What else do you like?”

“I liked seeing you check out your butt with a smile on your face.”

“Oh.” I didn’t really know how to respond to that. I didn’t want to seem conceited, but Aidan has always liked to compliment how my backside looks in certain jeans or skirts. At least with him, I could admit that I enjoyed how it looks, too. So I met his eyes in our reflection from under my lashes and said, “It is a nice bottom, isn’t it?”

“Oh, yes,” he replied, his hands gliding down to caress my cheeks. “How about you come to bed and let me snuggle up against it for a while.”

“Okay,” I agreed with a smile. He really didn’t seem to be in any hurry to advance past this sexy touching and banter. Yet I, who could usually fall asleep pressed up against him, found his restraint mildly frustrating. I wasn’t going to ask for sex—that’s still outside my comfort zone—but I sort of wanted him to.

We climbed under the covers and cuddled. I felt his flannel-covered hardness against me and pushed back slightly, but he didn’t make any move to initiate sex. Eventually, Aidan softened, the arm he had draped across me relaxed, and his breathing deepened. Maybe I had just waited too late in the evening; he was dead to the world.

The next morning, I awoke to his fingers trailing up and down my arm. Where I normally would respond with a sleepy groan and a request for five more minutes, this morning I climbed promptly out of bed to freshen up and return to my freshly-showered-and-shaved husband. I have always appreciated that he shaves on Saturday mornings before “couple-time.”

When I came back to bed, Aidan thanked me for the previous evening. He said he had really enjoyed my responses to him, especially how I had pushed up against him and rubbed in the night.

“Uh-uh,” I denied, incredulous. “You were dreaming.”

“I’m pretty sure you were. I almost woke you to see if you wanted to do more than rub, but I was enjoying it too much.”

“It surprised me that you went to sleep so easily last night,” I told him. “I would have been open to taking things further.”

“I didn’t want to push you too far too fast,” Aidan said. “I wanted you to know that I appreciated the effort you were making for me. Besides, there is something I like about being in that excited state for a while, you know?”

“It doesn’t frustrate you?” I asked.

“Kind of, but in a good way. Besides, I was pretty sure you’d still be up for our Saturday morning.”

I let my fingers trail down his chest to the front of his pajama pants, which were already slightly tented. “Are you up for it?” That was probably the most forward thing I’d ever said to my husband.

Aidan smiled. “Let me show you,” he said.

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16 replies
  1. MarriedtoaHotBabe says:

    Awesome story. I noted you talked about sex as along the lines of "enjoy[ing] the outcome." There is no doubt the outcome is enjoyable, especially if that means orgasm. Orgasm is the most physically enjoyable thing I know of when you really get literal about sex. That said, my wife and I tend to believe the greatest enjoyment within the love we have for each other is the process of sexual intimacy, including the build-up, the act and, yes, yes, the orgasmic outcome.

    Yes, there are times when we are outcome-driven, like with a quickie, and, yes, for me it's awesome when the outcome involves a sticky mess of cum, but it's the process that we most enjoy.

    Great story!

  2. Catholiccouple says:

    Your Husband is a lucky man! I suspect he knows that!

    I’m the husband part of our marriage, our kids are grown, and my wife could have written this 100%. Up until the point you recognized the issue and did some research and had “the talk”.

    My wife understands that we have different “drives.” As we have gotten older (not old yet, lol) her built-in desire has wained. I think she feels that if she does not have the automatic heat, then that’s just the way it is. Once we get started, she is hot as a firecracker, and we still have some great sex.

    My hurt comes from the fact that she works so hard in all aspects of her and our lives except for this one. It does leave me feeling rejected, I mean she knows it’s important to me, but it’s apparently not worth the effort. She is a great woman, we have been married over 30 years, I have absolutely no other serious complaints.

    I just wish she would spend 10 minutes a day on here to get some ideas and desire started. I think she feels that, as long as she is “available,” she has fulfilled her requirements. I have tried to tell her that, yes, men are men, but a loving husband needs a wife that participates and is engaged just a little bit. Cheating is not an option for me. I don’t just need sex, I need my wife sexually. Not only when “doing it” but also getting in the frame of mind and making a choice to develop more romantic feelings that used to be automatic so I don’t feel like I am just using her when I need it.

    In the end, we make time for what is important to each other. Sadly, sex is buried on the bottom of her list unless we are in the act itself.

    I have brought it up many times, have shown her this site. If she reads this, she would know I wrote it, but sadly, she won’t see it.

    Sorry, I did not mean to go on a personal rant, but thanks for writing and being a blessing!

    Peace and God Bless you both!

  3. Lovinghusband says:

    Evie, I really appreciated all you wrote. Thank you for summoning up the courage to do so. I especially liked this paragraph from you:

    "But after reading some of your stories and articles on MH, I’m coming to believe that maybe things we modern Christians have called “dirty,” early Christians just understood as part of life. I mean, my life is probably no harder than the lives of women of Jesus’ time. They had work, chores, kids, and husbands with needs. They had illness, stress, hormones, and headaches—all the obstacles to getting “in the mood” that I do. But they still had lots of kids, so they had to be having sex. Maybe Jesus didn’t have to talk about it because it was just normal for married people to be getting it on!"

    I think your understanding there is profound. God bless you on this great and satisfying journey. LH

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Stag-on-a-hill: Thank you so much! Life, ministry, kids, and grandchildren have me writing less for sure. I still come to MH at least a few times a week. I hope you and your family are well. I'm so glad you are here, too. Blessings in Christ, LH.

  4. LovingMan says:

    Thanks for sharing. We have a similar situation in our marriage. My sex drive is way higher, but my wife loves it once her motor gets running. We developed a schedule that means sex every other day but one day’s a quickie where my wife doesn’t usually try for an orgasm. The next sex day is a full lovemaking session with us both usually haven’t two orgasms each. On the off days, she helps me masturbate to an orgasm. Over the years, she has grown more bold, and she’ll surprise me by walking into the room with some of her very sexy lingerie on (open cup-open crotch). It is great how you appreciate your curvy buns. Maybe you should try out wearing some sexy lingerie. You could start with a nice teddy for instance. My wife, Melodie. (early on in our marriage …on Christmas Eve… looked down at her beautiful full breasts in the Christmas teddy I had bought for her and she said, “Tom, aren’t they beautiful?” This was a key moment where she could appreciate her own beauty and sexiness. I think you are taking important steps. Keep it up and we’d love to hear the end of this story you wrote and more about your sexual awakening. God bless you and your kind husband. A final note. I think most women fail to realize how beautiful and sexy they are to their husband.

  5. PatientPassion says:

    Hi Evie, and welcome to MarriageHeat! It's great that you're here, especially in the context of your story. It sounds like the MH mission of inspiring better sex in marriage is already at work for you, and that's awesome!

    I want to congratulate you on stepping forward and pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone in this area. That's a big deal, and if you keep on this path, I think you will see great things begin to happen to the intimacy you and your husband share. I'd compliment him on his attitude as well. It sounds like he's being very understanding and encouraging as you try to open up more about sex. You both seem like awesome people! This world needs more people with attitudes like yours: kind, understanding, and brave enough to take initiative and grow as a person and as a couple!

    I hope the community, stories and discussions of MH are a huge blessing to your life, and I hope your husband can benefit too, whether he reads and writes alongside you, or simply enjoys a wife who has become more free to embrace her God-given sexuality. And don't hesitate to ask about virtually anything sex related! I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a more engaged, open-minded and accepting Christian community than this one. 🙂

  6. O-surfer says:

    Bravo! Well done! May that be the first of many conversations and fun for the both of you! I’ve started listening to a “Sex Chat for Christian Wives” podcast produced by four Christian women bloggers. One of them highly recommends scheduling sex for couples who have different levels of needs (which is most of us). Scheduling it gives the lower libido person time to get into the right mindset and also takes the pressure of the higher libido person who may normally feel anxious about the possibility of being rejected.

  7. Flying Hubby says:

    Oh boy, I love this story. You recognizing the needs of each of you. You wanting to communicate about what was/is and could be. That is so sexy??? After each sentence I felt giddy because with your willingness to understand and his attitude of caring about you, you have so many options available to you. You said you wouldn’t ask for sex but just saying “I want you” would be enough. Just wiggling your butt when he’s close to you would tell worlds of info to him and boost his self esteem. When I walk up and hug my wife from behind while she’s doing something it doesn’t mean we’re going to have sex but it does mean she recognizes I’m there and that little tease is meant for me because nobody else in this whole wide world gets to experience that from her. There were so many opportunities to express that sexiness you have in your story without expecting sex. Heck, you just bringing up the topic was so very sexy. Keep it up. Life can wear on us, but it doesn’t have to bring us down. Keep moaning. If he touches your leg and you feel like moaning again do it. It says you recognize and crave him, his touch made you moan and it’s just between you two. Moan away, he will feel the love. God Bless you two on your journey of awareness and openness. I hope it has no bounds.

  8. Upcomingauthor says:

    Evie, this was beautiful and amazingly hot.
    Thank you for sharing and prayers you continue to flourish in your marriage.

    Coincidently, my Daughters name is also Evie and the same night this posted was the same night we just started the sex talk with my daughter. I'm looking to make her comfortable talking about sex in the future.

    Your story reminds me that we need to start young and there is always hope for the future.

    Also, your comment that Jesus didn't talk about sex because they were just doing it–i never thought of it that way. So thank you for that ?

  9. WeldersWife says:

    I can’t love this enough ❤️❤️! I find this story so incredibly sexy and relatable. I know I also have occasionally brushed my husbands advances away bc it wasn’t the right time and I didn’t want to get his hopes up. Now I think I will try your method!

  10. Grace911 says:

    Oh how I loved your story! Congrats first on your discernment that your husband needed more in the sex department, and HUGE kudos to your husband that he's always been not just understanding, but kind, encouraging and sensitive to your needs, too. Right now, you're taking small steps, and that's wonderful, but I encourage you to be brave and continually push your boundaries and comfort zone. In the end, I wager neither of you will regret it. In fact, I predict you'll love it! You are both awesome!

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